So like a bad penny that keeps showing up red-haired guy called me at my work number on Thursday. He hasn't called at that number since we first met. He is such a piece of work. I knew he was going to call back, it was jus a matter of when and sure enough he did; 29 days after we broke up.

He said he missed me and wanted to get together for some christmas cheer. God, the man is just hard to shake. I read him the riot act and told him to never call me again, and then I felt bad for doing that, so I sent him an email and said he could call but not too often. But then a friend said that was worst.

The man is just so confusing. Everything I've tried to get rid of him that would have worked on any guy has not worked. I called my boss on Friday from home because I was at an offsite meeting all day Friday and she thought I was coming back into the office. I told her what was going on and she gave me a new way to try. So I took her advice called red-haired guy's blackberry and told him.

15 minutes after I called I felt like everything was over between us, but then something in my mind shimmered and then I received the feeling that he hasn't given up yet, that he's never going to ever give up, and I think I made the situation worse somehow. It's kind of been freaking me out because I've been in such a better mood since December 9.

But this morning I decided that it doesn't matter if he calls back, I'll just figure out another way to shine him on and one day one of those ways will work and he'll be gone forever. Either he'll be gone or we're going to end up married. I don't care either way actually. If he could fix his issues, I think he'd be a good match. And if we don't end up together, I'm fine with that too because I got the feeling again this morning that I'm going to have a new love soon.

Talk about a voice from the past. I just received a call at work from a woman who attended a year-long seminar with me seven years ago. She works for a company who sponsored a webconference I attended last month. Then the woman tells me she interviewed for a couple of positions at my company. What a small, small world.

This woman gave me the best advice when we had lunch at Farralon which moved to cocktails at Postrio later. I had just taken a job at my first healthcare company and I was freaking out because I had taken a pay cut for the job, although my boss gave me a signing bonus to make up for it. I felt like I was really taking a step back in my career development paywise, industry wise, blah, blah, blah.

Terry told me sometimes a step back isn't that bad and that good things will come of it. And you know what, seven years late she was right. That move to the healthcare company turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I made up for the financial set back in pay in my next job. I learned so much from that job down the Peninsula, knowledge I probably wouldn't have gained any other way.

I've actually been thinking about the lunch I had with Terry and wondering if I really took a humongous step back in my emotional development with my silly flingie with the red-haired guy. But now hearing from Terry after all these years, I'm thinking maybe not. Hopefully I did learn something which will help propel me forward into my next and hopefully better relationship. It's a sign, I think, a good sign.

My second somewhat blissful day. No anxiety and I went to bed last night thinking I'm going to have a new love. Not sure what this means because the feeling was "new love" not "new boyfriend", so the "new love" could be anything.

I threw out all my old magazines from 1998-2000. I love keeping my old magazines, but they take up so much room. It was an emotional experience, like throwing out a part of myself and all my memories from those years.

Red-haired guy showed during up in my tibetan buddhist meditation session. I used to hate when he did that and stopped meditating because of it, but I was okay with it last night. He was standing next to JC, and I'm not sure what that means. I kind of muttered a complaint, but JC said it was okay that he was there. Whatever. There's a part of the meditation where you visualize leaving a temple and red-haired guy tried to hold my hand. That's never happened before and it was really sweet. I hope it's a good sign of something.

Okay, this insight is now freaking me and bringing tears to my eyes. Anxiety is all about doubt, doubt that God is there in your life and taking care of everything, doubt that you have the ability to handle whatever situation you're presently facing.

I didn't get this one, and it's so simple it's like DUH! I thought my anxiety was maybe everything else that was going on in my life but not doubt. I thought I had pretty strong faith, but I guess not.

Maybe faith is like listening. The extent to which you listen is about the extent to which you know you don't listen. I always thought I was a good listener, until I watched how much my wondered when I was listening to someone.

So having a strong faith would be the extent to which you have faith is about the extent to which you know you don't have faith, which would mean paying attention to the times you doubt. But doubt is so subtle and it sneaks up on you, and all the great spiritual teachers say that doubt is the last to go, always the last and the hardest to give up.

Not having doubt would mean complete surrender and I've never been able to achieve that ever, because I'm too smart and I think I always know better. And I love being smart and thinking of myself as smart and just thinking in general, and yet it always stands in the way, always shows up as a huge weakness in my life. But how you can stop doing something that comes so naturally? It's like so painful and so hard.