It's funny how you think you've found a solution to your problem and then it turns out the solution doesn't work at all.

I bought my baby laptop thinking it would be great to be outside in a park on a sunny day and write. Or, write at a table outside of a cafe. Write outside anywhere. So today, since I had o go to my optometrist at the Embarcadero and pick an eyeglass case up, I decided to try and write while having lunch at those tables right in front of Justin Herman plaza.

I go, I buy some lunch at the japanese place that's right there and I grab myself a table and eat. Then I open up my laptop and low and behold, I can't see a damned thing because the sun is too bright. I tried to adjust my screen and I still couldn't see anything. I play around with the contrast for 10 minutes and finally I can see the screen, sort of. It's still very dark and I can barely see it.

I try to edit a story and but then I just completely gave up. What a joke! I buy the damned thing to write outside then when I finally write outside, I can't see the stupid screen. There's got to be a better way to do this! So much for my dream of writing outside in parks. I guess if I do this again, I will have have to sit in the shade, but the who the hell wants to sit in the shade when it's sunny outside. I am pissed and bummed! There's got to be solution to the glaring sun problem; I just don't know what it is yet.

In frustration I leave to do some research on how real men really talk. Someone in my screenwriting group suggested I go and check out the basketball games in the panhandle, so I can hear how "real jocks" talk and try to write it in my baseball screenplay. I'm like whatever, but I decide to give it a try anyway.

I get the court and sit down and watch these guys play basketball for an hour. I'm not sure what they all thought with me sitting there watching them. It was loud and I couldn't really hear what anyone was saying other than alot of fmbombs words and alot shot shit words said like it had two syllables. The basketball kept coming my way, which was kind of annoying, but other than that, I didn't hear anything really new about the way guys talk.

It's not like I don't know how guys talk, I do. I just didn't have the guys in my screenplay swear alot and some of my reviewers found that very unrealistic. My male reviewers anyway. I think I'll have to rent some videos to see how other screenwriters have handled it.

They didn't swear at all in the movie The Rookie. I mean I'm sure some guys swear but not all. In fact, I thought the guys at the basketball hardly swore at all. Maybe it was because I was there or maybe guys just don't swear that much, especially the young ones, because it was mostly young guys there, I don't know.

It was an interesting scene to watch. The guys reminded me of little kids at a playground and how you have to all get along. Then watching the guys, I also was reminded of physical a game basketball is, especially on defense. Some of the kids had great moves and they all do a good job of coaching each other and calling fouls. Actually, the funniest part was watching them argue over travelling, double dribbling, fouls and who was out and not out of bounds.

I think I might go again tomorrow and maybe sit in a different spot. I couldn't really hear well where I was sitting. If the guys were arguing and talking, it was on the side of where I was sitting.

Guys are funny though. As I was getting up to leave, one of them asked me if I played and I said no. I lied to him because actually I do play, but it's been years since I've played. And besides, I was wearing sandals anyway and couldn't play. I guess dummy guy didn't see that. I would only play basketball with someone I was dating anyway or wanting to date, because it really is such a physical game and I'd be rubbing up against the guy constantly, which would be fun if I really liked the guy I was playing with, but not so fun with a total stranger.

I guess it still must be a Mercury Retrograde because now I'm listening to Harvest by Neil Young. It all started on the way home when I heard Old Man by Neil Young on the radio. All of sudden I remembered that I had an ex-boyfriend named Phil, although I called him Drew, who used to sing me this song on his guitar.

Drew was a fellow student I met while interning in Washington, DC. He lived across the hall from me and my room-mate and so we became friends because of proximity. His room-mate also went to my school, but I didn't know him very well.

Drew had a car so we were always piling into his car to go out drinking in Georgetown or Dupont Circle. I don't even remember how Drew and I got together. I think we were all together at some bar in the old part of DC, in some club that was across from the Corcoran museum or was it the Portrait Gallery. Was it the Up and Down Club? Who knows. They had a tarot card reader upstairs who everybody said was the best in town.

Some old boyfriend of mine had shown up at the bar and he was coming onto me. I think I came on to Drew just to make this guy jealous. It was either at this bar or maybe that night we all watched fireworks and listened to the symphony on the mall for Labor Day. Or was that the time I met Rich, some other guy I think I bopped whiled in DC? It's all so hazy now.

Oh my god, I feel really bad. I cannot remember how I met my old boyfriend Drew. I'm sure it's in an old journal of mine somewhere, but I'm like, does it really matter now? No, I'm sure it was at that club across from the Portrait Museum.

Drew was from New Jersey, Bergen County to be exact. I cannot remember the name of his town, all I remember is that it was in Bergen County. He went to some school I'd never heard of in South Jersey. He had that accent that was like a Bruce Springstein song. Maybe that was the attraction? He was also a fellow acquarian which was a trip for me.

He was a nice guy, definitely not quite my type, but he was very sweet and he had a car, and when you're a 21 year old girl in DC without a car, dating a guy with a car was a good thing.

We went to all the colleges and universities in the area to party. He chauffered me around everywhere, even to go shopping. I'm not quite sure why he went out with me. He told me I wasn't his type either, but he liked the fact that was I very intelligent. His parents loved me, which I found strange. When I first met his mom, she said I was too pretty for her son. I don't think Drew agreed with her. I mean, I think Drew thought I was cute and everything and the sex was fantastic for both of us, but I don't think he was quite enamored of my looks as his parents and especially his mother was.

Not that Drew was Mr. GQ either. He was kind of slob really and he was already losing his hair at 21, but he did have that car and a ready supply or marijuana and other drugs. Did I forget to mention that? Drew dealt drugs on the side. God, was I like a shallow drugged out 21 year old or what? Hey, dating a guy with drugs is much better than dating a guy who doesn't have any. Besides, he wasn't the first drug dealer I dated, but one of many before him and afterwards.

And it's weird because it's not like I did alot of drugs either. But I don't know. I just happened to always meet and then get subsequently asked out by drug dealers. I guess I should feel flattered because drug dealers can probably get any drugged out chick they want, but they chose me and I wasn't even a habitual drug user. Drew was very generous with his drugs too, sending me a monthly supply and even hash once, which was so divine.

God, I still remember that time Drew and I were shrooming back in house in South Jersey on spring break. I was so paranoid. I thought the cops were going to come and bust us. When someone did come by the house, it was to buy some drugs. Then other friends of his came by and we headed for Atlantic City and the next thing I know, I'm in the Playboy Casino at 1 am and staring at Playboy bunny girls. After a tour of the casinos, we decided to go to this bar for drinks and everybody got carded except me. The doorman just let me in. Nobody could figure it out.

One of the guys asked a bartender and he said they don't card any girl with a guy who looks like she's under 18 and he said I looked around 13. I told him I was 21 and legal and he said it didn't matter. It was an Atlantic City rule. Whatever. What a weird rule. I guess there must be a lot of guys bringing very young girls to the casinos, bars and clubs and doormen are trained to look the other way.

I had my first taste of chili cheese fries that night. What a weird night. Drew and I were still so high. We walked on the beach and on the boardwalk and then ended up at a donut shop so we could scarf donuts.

Poor Drew. I think the guy really like me, but I had to break up with him. Drew was working for Common Cause and he was Mr. Environmentalist. He started his school's recycling program. God, he even dragged me to a meeting to meet the founder of Common Cause. What a drag. We were all sitting around a table and we had to say why we were interested in saving the environment and I was so not at that age. I felt so stupid when it was my turn to speak, but I think I must have BSed my way out of it, because Drew said I gave a good answer.

Anyway, Drew kept asking me why I was breaking up with him and I said, and I think I actually believed this at the time, that I saw a future where I was a corporate lawyer and he was an enviromentalist big wig and that we would be on opposite sides of a case. I think about that now and I'm like, god, how pretentious or what? I think I said, I didn't want to be in the position of having to be married to some guy who was running an environmental group that was suing my company for its environmental practices, especially if I was going to the head lawyer to take the environmental group down.

God, what a laugh! I never did go to law school and I certainly never worked for a polluting corporation.

I can't wait till this Mercury Retrograde is over because I hate all these old boyfriend memories.

I think I am getting old. Why? Because I have a hard time hanging out with people I barely know and I don't think I ever had this problem when I was younger. I've been hanging out alot with my screenwriting group. I think I've seen them almost every week since May 16 and it's freaking me out.

It's difference when you're in class because it's a classroom atmosphere and you're doing work and not socializing. Now I'm seeing these people socially and I hardly even know them and it's just too much for me, to be with people I barely know that much. It's a total sign of age. Plus, I am so not one of those california types who easily makes friends and just as easily loses friends. I make friends for keeps, forever and it takes me awhile to get know people.

Usually, I only get to know people I click with right away, so when you start hanging out socially, it's so cool because you both get a long like a house on fire.

Now I'm with these people, some of whom I don't really click with and we've been hanging almost every week and I am being driven insane.

I think sometimes I am just complaining and whining because it is nice to have people to hang with, but I don't even know if I even like these people yet. I take a long time to decide whether I even like a person or not, even longer to decide whether I want to spend alot of time with them.

Time is like this special thing and you just can't spread it around and waste it on people you don't know. It's too exhausting! I feel like I don't have a life and that's such a big lie, because I do have a life, did have a life before I met these new people.

I'll have to think about what to do. Part of me wants to just drop out and not be in the group anymore. I feel like I have no boundaries and I don't like that. I never got into the fluid boundary thing. But this is a good sign because I'm usually so boundaryless, so maybe I've learned to take care of myself finally.

I feel bad because I am turning into such an antisocial freak! But I'm tired and I miss my personal time.

I have a feeling that if I ever become successful as a writer, that this is how my life is going to be. Hanging with people I barely know. There has to be a better way for me to socialize with people I barely know.

I wonder if this kind of stuff goes on back east, where everyone is much more formal about friendship. Do they have this instant friends problem?

So I'm still fuming because this guy that I barely know one-upped me last night and it totally made me mad. Here's what happened. I mentioned that my favorite movie was The Matrix and he starts telling me that the movie is an allegory for the new testatment. And I'm like what? What the hell is this guy talking about? I think I was mad because I hadn't thought of this connection before and it pissed me off that this guy, who I didn't think was all that bright, thought of it before me. Then what's worse, I had to admit to him that I was only arguing with him because I had to admit that he might be right.

GOD!!! I felt like I was back in a corporate board room where I was the only woman in the room and some jerk off in a tie was one-upping me in a meeting and embarrassing me in front my boss. And it's such a guy thing to do, to totally one up each other all the time, whatever the time and place. And I had to get used to it if I was going to climb the corporate ladder where I was most of the time I was the only woman. I hated having to learn to do the one-up thing. But what I hated most of all was being one-upped by some corporate goof off.

I know women are supposed to want to climb the corporate ladder and break the glass ceiling, but what it does, what all that climbing really does, is make you think of every man you meet either at work or socially, as a potential competitor, as a potential jerk who's going to embarrass you and one-up you in front of people you know, as someone who stands in the way of your next promotion, the enemy really, the guy who's standing between you and the corner office. And it really doesn't matter if you meet a man socially either. You get the same feeling.

My best friend says this isn't a way to meet a man and find my soul partner, not if every man is at some point going to piss me off because he one-upped me or make me respect him less because I one-upped him. It's twisted, totally twisted.

I don't know how to get rid of this feeling either, because I was in one-up mode for so long. What's worse, I got good at it too, the one-upping thing, but I hated myself the whole time I was doing it because I felt bad about having to be so competitive with a guy. A male friend of mine says guys don't take the one-upping thing personally, that it's just a thing that guys do with each other and they don't think anything of it.

But god, that guy I barely know just pisses me the hell off. I feel blindsided, only because I think I totally underestimated this guy and I got caught unawares which makes me so mad.

My best friend also said that if I get into a one-up game with this guy I barely knew, then he'll start treating me like a guy and not a girl, and I'll get caught up in the one-upmanship game, which I totally hate.

I don't know though because now all if I feel like is I just want to one-up the shit out of him and wipe that stupid smirking smile off his stupid face. I'm like way too emotional about all of this. I think the best reaction for me right now, is to not have a reaction and to wait for my anger to go away and for god's sake, not try to one-up this guy, not when I'm in this emotional state, because right now I'm too mad and not thinking straight.

What a situation I've gotten myself in. I thought once I stopped climbing the corporate ladder, I'd never have to play one-upmanship game every again. Boy, was I wrong!

I feel like I've been running around like a chicken without a head since I didn't make any concrete writing goals after I finished my screenplay. I finished my screenplay on May 6 and I've been on vacation for a month, which has been fun but definitely directionless and a little depressing. Depressing only because when I'm not writing, I start focusing on the petty things going on in my life. Writing grounds me to what is real and important in my life. Thank god for my bloggie though, because without it I wouldn't be writing at all, well except for my daily journal.

These are my summer 2002 goals.

1. Rewrite # 1 of Playing Catch with Dad Screenplay - rewrite to be complete and ready to be handed out for review in group by August 5.

2. If Rewriting class firms out for an August start date, then finish second rewrite of screenplay by 5th session of class.

3. Finish Rewrite #1 of Crazy Eddie by June 15. Don't forget the Beat Sheet

4. Finish first draft of Shopping Center Carnival by June 30

5. Over vacation in July - finish first draft of scifi comedy short story working title - The Girl from Planet Orr. Story to be based on the function of the conjunctions - and, but and or, not quite conjunction function, but close. More like a love story between the girl from planet Orr and the man from Planet Annd, plus I'm throwing in the people from planet But. Not sure if this will work as a scifi story, but what the hell I've had worse ideas. First draft to be completed July 15.

This is sad. I'm like one of those people who need goals to get anything accomplished in my life. Talent in writing is such a subjective thing. Who knows if I have talent as a writer? What I do know is that I can set goals for myself and then complete them and discipline and work seem to be integral to the writing life. Everything else that comes along in my life, seems to trivial and minor compared to my writing. I was a workaholic in previous jobs so maybe I'm just tranferring all my workaholic energy to my writing. Who knows? Writing is becoming essential to me, like breathing and eating. I have to write at this point in my life, whether I want to do it or not. Kind of drag in a way, to be tied to some thing outself of yourself, like your writing, but fun too because writing is a creative act which enriches your life in every way.

I think I must be more of a romantic than I thought, because I just rented and watched the movie Serendipity and totally loved it. It's so sappy but so damned romantic. I love the concept of the universe giving you signs to show you who you're supposed to spend the rest of the life your with. Not sure if I believe in the concept that there's only one true love for you, because then the theory begs the question, well, what happens if you don't find that one special person. Does this means you're screwed forever and will live a life of patheic loneliness?

John Cusak looked very thin and very young. I think he's older than 35, the age he's supposed to be in the movie, so maybe the film makers made him lose weight. Cusak is usually very appealing and he was, but I couldn't take my eyes off the veins bulging in his neck. He was definitely way too thin. He looked much better in that movie Grosse Point High with Minnie Driver. He looked more muscular and more like a normal guy.

Kate Beckinsale was her usual cute self, although she looked very thin. Maybe she always was really thin and I just never noticed it before. God, who was the freak that played her new age boyfriend. He was so scary with his bushy long hair and asian outfits. Total pig of a guy masquerading as a SNAG - the sensitive new age guy. His character should serve as a warning to all women. Just because they're SNAGs, doesn't mean they won't treat you like shit and be a total chauvanistic pig to boot.

Somehow John Cusak's character doesn't come across as a SNAG. He's more like a overgrown confused college boy, which has its own appeal. But Cusak has never been a SNAG in any of his movies, although his body proportions in his movie was screaming SNAG.

I also rented K-PAX which I actually enjoyed. The funniest bit was when they were driving to the space observatory and Kevin Spacey saw a balloon with an alien on it. How funny is that. Then Spacey watched the alien balloon flying up to the sky. I was laughing out loud.

Spacey is such a technically brilliant actor and god, there's just something very charismatic about him, even if you couldn't see his eyes for most of the movie. It was all in his voice. He's like a voice out of the Jetsons. Cosmic.

Jeff Bridges was his usual confused self. Typical for him. I think his best portrayal was in The Fabulous Baker Boys.

Even the ending of K-PAX was interesting. It really made you think. Did Spacey take over the body of the killer and use it for his own. And if he did, then that explains the theory of alien possession. But if he didn't, then the crazy killer guy has one hell of an imagination. But then how do you explain Spacey's ability to see ultraviolet light and him stumping the astrophysicists. And what happened to the woman in the who couldn't speak?

I loved all the crazies in the movies. There were so appealing and funny. I felt there characters were written with such compassion and humor. I loved when the crazies saw the blue bird of happiness and how excited they were. I love it when I see blue birds, which I also call blue birds of happiness. Does this mean I'm like one of the crazies in the movie? Isn't it scary when you see behaviour that you do done by crazy people in movies? Does this mean if a movie was ever going to be produced about your life, that you'd be portrayed as a crazy person in an asylum or if not, your behaviour would remind people of how crazy people are portratyed? I really liked the crazy people and totally empathized with them. What this empathy means I don't know.

I really liked the soundtrack for the movie. I loved all those Nick Drake songs. Maybe I need to buy that retrospective of Nick Drake, the singer from the VW commercials. I don't really like his kind of music, but they were very appealing in this movie.

I wonder if the universe will lead me and show me the signs to my soul partner for life. I hope so. That would be so cool. I think I need signs because I'm catholic and well catholicism is all about signs, or at least that's they teach you or what I got anyway. I believe so totally in signs and if I don't get signs, I so don't believe what's going on or at least I don't believe they're not really ordained by god. So I totally need my signs, especially when it comes to love.

Dogtown and Z-Boys is one of the best movies I've ever seen of its genre. It ranks up there with my two personal favorites,Endless Summer 1 and Endless Summer 2. I remember seeing my first skateboarding championship in 1975. It was so radical and so hot. I was too young to know who it was, but my little girl memory tells me the dude was cute as heck with his surfer dude long hair.

A fascination with surfing, skateboarding, canoeing, windsurfing and ocean kayaking is one of the few things I've held onto from my island girl days, when I was flitting around in a bikini, body surfing and dying to date a surfer type guy. I love the whole surf/skateboard and the whole water sports sub culture, only because I grew up with it and hell, I even had my own skateboard and was pretty darn good rider for a girl.

Oh yeah, I forgot. I love BMX bike riding too, only because I used to dirt ride down hill with my bike and pop wheelies and try to do all kinds of tricks. I was quite the tomboy. I was thin and I had short hair and no rack whatsoever and guys wouild come up to me and ask me if I was a boy. Then puberty hit and the rack got way too big and then the hips, weigt and everything else came and well, welcome to womanhood. What a drag, at least at first, until boys noticed and then it was Hello Bikinis, long hair and trying to figure out the best way to shave your legs and underarms so they were ultrasmooth and sexy.

I read the review for Dogtown in the Chron and the little man was sleeping, but the NY Times gave it a great review and now I know why. If the movie ever comes out on DVD or video, I'm definitely going to buy it. I wish they'd put out a soundtrack to it too. I should see if they have a website so I can send them an email and let know them how much I loved the movie. I think I could watch that movie over and over again and never get tired of it.

That movie brought back one of my goals, which is to collect all the surfing and skateboarding movies and DVDs out there. You know, start my own beach bunny girl surf and skateboard movie collection. I used to love to skateboard too. I never tried surfing, but sandsurfed, bodysurfed and boogie boarded instead. Also tried windsurfing in Bali once and ocean kayaking in Mexico, right where they filmed the beach scene in that movie Y Tu Mama Tambien. I haven't seen the movie but from the promos, I recognized the beach and rock, only because I kayaked everyday around that rock. I guess I'll have to see the movie just to see if the area is Huatulco, a resort area I vacationed at one December.

What else? I bought some running shoes and didn't play cheap for once and spent $85 on a pair of running shoes. I tried on about 8 pairs before deciding that I should stick to my favorite brand ASICS. I was dying to buy a pair of New Balance shoes, because everyone says they're much more comfortable, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've always worn ASICS running shoes. I ran three New York City marathons in ASICS running shoes. Why jinx myself now?

I mean, not that I'm in the shape I was when I ran marathons, but it's hard to give up a shoe brand you've always had good luck with. Do guys feel the same way about their equipment?

I've been wondering, since the Ken Caminiti interview, what it would be like to be a guy. If your testorone levels drop, do you become more like a woman? If so, how? The olympic athlete guy who called up said he couldn't make love to his wife for years, why? Because of loss of testerone? I've read that loss of testosterone in men leads to decreased sexual desire. But women don't have alot of testosterone and they still have sexual desires.

I do have some friends who have gone through menopause and they said that the loss of estrogen decreased their sexual desire, so maybe it's the same for women too.

I wrote a screenplay with a male character and I don't think I did my baseball player dude any justice. I just don't know what it's like to be a boy and feel like such a fraud writing about the male experience. I've always tried to believe that everyone, men and women, are the same, but I'm not so sure anymore. I think men and women feel all the same things, but they just process it differently. It's the difference I think that I underestimated.

But I like men, adore men, worship them sometimes even, because they are so different, or at least they appear to be. Their bodies are harder, hairier, they think differently too, although I think it's rare that a man would admit it, SNAGS, Sensitive New Age Guys would deny it to their dying day, which is why I try to never date SNAGs. But I live in Northern California and SNAGs are everywhere, so one can't but help dating one now and again, although each experience has never been very good.