I haven't thought about my Elf Girl Chronicles story in a long time, but I got this bit this morning as I waiting for the bus to go to my acupuncture appointment. I've been trying to figure out how the war started between non-human realms and the humans, and this is the reason.

*************
The reason the Elfin war with the humans started ...

I had a brother, a younger brother. I was seven when he was born. He was the son my parents always wanted, prayed for. He would be heir to my father's throne. He would be king, and I would be high priestess and share the duty of running our kingdom, just as my father and his brother my uncle had done.

I helped me to raise him, and I loved him as if he were my own. When I left for school I was heartbroken to leave him, as I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind.

Little did I know then what role he would play in the destruction of our world, our kingdom, our people, and our realm. It was his death that would start the war. My uncle had persuaded father to sacrifice my brother to appease triumverate of evil. in truth, my brother's death was to show the triumverate our loyalty to their cause, but I'm sure my father had known none of this. If he did, I'm sure he would not have agreed to sacrifice his only heir, his only son, his royal progeny.

No, my father thought he was doing the right thing, thought he would appease the triumverate and avert more killings, more bloodshed, avert the harm that he thought would come to our people.

Blood sacrifice was a human ritual, such barbarism did not exist in our realm or any other non-human realm until the humans came and tried to take over the kingdom.

But my father, and especially my uncle, had not calculated the ripple effect of their blood sacrifice. Instead of appeasement, the triumverate then demanded that the king of each realm sacrifice one of their children to them.

It was then we knew, that the systematic destruction of our people, our realm, our kingdom, our people would not stop.

The fragile alliance that my father had built between himself and other kings throughout the land dissolved. They other kings abandoned my father, and he and my uncle became prisoners. And age 15 I became the defacto ruler of my kingdom. I had no choice then, I had to to fight. I had to lead what was left of my father's army, I had to avenge my brother's death.

I left school then and took what little knowledge I had learned in the two years of school about my burgeoning powers and use them to fight, to fight for our family, our honour, our people and our kingdom.

And my poor brother, perhaps he was lucky to die before the war started. Perhaps he was lucky that he was not witness the destruction and degradation that would happen to our world. He did not live to see our people enslaved, he did not live to see our beloved mother and father tortured and hung high above the castle walls for everyone to see and to serve as a warning to all those who chose to disobey the triumverate.

He did not leave to see what I had to become, what I was forced to become, an avenging killing angel,who killed in his name, in his honour, until I was hunted down and finally captured, and tortured and then enslaved, and then changed never to become or be born again into an elfin incarnation, but to always be born an imperfect human.
************

I didn't know until today that my elf girl character had a younger brother, but of course as I was writing it it all made sense. There had to be legitimate reason why the war started, and why not a blood sacrific of a child, which echoes Abraham sacrificing Isaac to his god, and then god sending his only Jesus Christ as a sacrifice to die for our sins.

But in Abraham's time, the God of Israel halted Abraham from killing Isaace, and JC died to save us from sin and to give us eternal life. But my poor royal elf boy's death will cause the ultimate destruction of the kingdom and world that he was to inherit. And somehow there is something very fitting in echoing the sacrific of the male heir and child, but twisting the outcome a bit.

So the presidential debates are over, and this is where the "real election" starts. This is where the rubber hits the road, and both parties must rally the base and the troops. And what the average voter who doesn't understand very much about the voting process in this country doesn't realize is the person who wins the election, as in any war, is the person with the most troops on the ground is the one who wins.

And if the 2000 election is any indication of the strength of the GOP vs. DNC, and how the Gore had no troops on the ground in Florida to tell him what was going on, then well, expect the person in the White House to remain the same.

The DNC is so fractured, with the party splitting off with the Greens and other alternative parties, that their ground troops base in all states are weak and ineffectual at best. All elections are local. Case in point. The Democratic party had to fight the Greens off during the last mayoral election in San Francisco, where one would think the Demos have a hell of foothold. So much for the strength of the democrats. You don't hear about the republicans having to fight off splitoffs from their party in local elections, do you?

It was strange to read in the news this morning that baseball great Ken Caminiti died. I remember hearing him in an interview on the Jim Rome radio show "The Jungle" just a few months ago. The guy was too young to die at 41 years old, but he did have problems.

Christopher Reeve dying was not shocking but sad. It was difficult for me to look at him whenever he was on TV; he just looked so "immobile". Was it relief for him that he died and for his family? The man was barely functional, although he did many good things in his altered state.

All my astrology website are saying that there's a solar eclipse on the October 13, and it's about about karma. Mine has been unusually good until now. I like to believe that I've lived a charmed life so far, and that I haven't been exposed to very many bad people. But the problem with leading a charmed life is I'm so unaware how many completely jerky people there are in this world.

Most people I've met have been so honorable, so full of integrity, that when I run across world-class jerk it's so shocking to me. Plus I have no coping skills to deal with people who aren't honest and honorable. These kinds of people don't exist in my world. Or maybe they always did, but I've managed to avoid them like the plague. But every charmed girl's luck has to run out sometime doesn't it? And mine has definitely run out these last few months.

Friends have told it's just life, that there are all kinds of people in this world and I've just been lucky and fortunate in never having to deal with worst kinds of people. But this charmed girl hates the "real world" life, and wants to go back to the world where people are all nice, honorable and truthful.

Because I'm in that kind of mood, and I don't give a rat's wazoo that it's like so wussy to post song lyrics, I'm posting the lyrics to one of my recent favorite songs.

"Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd - I love the excruciating anger in this song ... it so matches my mood right, and besides I just heard it on Live 105.

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

What is it with me and guys? Every guy I've ever dated has like some kind of sixth sense or a break-up radar when it comes to me. They can tell when I'm about to break up with them, and they respond and pour on the lovey-dovey stuff, like just calling you to say hi and to tell you what a hottie you are. And I'm like, I hate you, I so hate you right now.

It's wimpy and cowardly as all heck, but sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to run away, cut off the communication, and just not deal with it. And hopefully it will go away on its own accord without any more outpouring of emotion or drama or energy.

So I'm not going to deal with my feelings about red-haired guy. It's taking way too much time and energy on my part, and I have little of both to spare right now. I know I'm going to wake up one day soon and I won't feel bummed any more. At least that's what I'm hoping.

I wrote on Sunday, so maybe writing is once again my only salvation.

I received my official City and County of San Francisco absentee ballot today, and I'm like should I vote now or wait to see where things are headed.

John Kerry and John Edwards are fourth on my ballot, and the Shrubmeister and "Richard (not Dick) Cheney" are last on the list. There are presidential candidates from the Libertarian, American Independent, Peace aand Freedom and Green Party also on the ballot. And I'm like who the heck are these people, because I've never even seen their names mentioned anywhere until I opened my ballot.

And because it's California, there's a host of state propositions and measures as well as SF city propoisitons and measures, and even a BART proposition. Plus, you get the vote for the school board, where I think voting is most crucial for anyone living in the City and County of San Francisco. If we're going to turn around this city, it starts at who gets on the School Board.

I've been very blue this week. My good mood finally soured and I was missing my red-haired boy very much. He called to say Hi, but our conversation was very short and not very satisfying. He wants to be friends, don't they all? And I'm like whatever. Let's see what he thinks friendship means.

Work has been very busy this week, and looks like it's going to ramp up again and we're now preparing for our next Board meeting in January. Oh boy!

I need to get back to my writing and working out schedule. I'm dying to try to write on my new Palm at a coffeeshop, and then hit the gym. That schedule was so good for me and I got off it for the political conventions, and then it was so easy to not get into it. But it's time for my little vacation to end.

I'm trying to decide if I wanted to attempt the National Novel Writing Month next month. I'm going to try and write on my Palm. I don't really want to start another novel, and I'd like to use the time to finish the ones I already started. That is however cheating since the NANOWRIMO folks want their people to start from scratch. I could work on my dwarf novel. That novel is barely started and I could start from the beginning again. If I'm going to participate in NANOWRIMO, I'm going to have to decide soon.

Other than I've been tired, probably from depression more than anything else. They say time heals all things, and when I think back to all the times I've broken up with guys, I honestly can't remember much except for a few incidents. Either I blocked those experiences out, or they weren't that bad. Maybe all I need is time and then there's my trip to LA to look forward to.

I've decided I can't be objective about John Edwards. He looks like my first love, and I am just in love with him. He is just so darn cute. I know my first love would have aged as well as Edwards seems to have. My first love was born in Virginia and he had that slight southern twang in his voice, and I'm just a sucker for a cute guy with a southern accent.

Plus, you know Dick Cheney is just scary. I heard a commentator says Cheney looks like the kind of guy who turns you down for loans, or the nasty corporate boss who hands you your pink slip.

Anyway, I'm not a swing voter. Like the debates really matter to someone like who's never voted republican for president in their entire voting life. And if Howard Dean was the nominee, I just wouldn't vote for president. I've skipped voting for people before because I didn't like the democratic candidate. Take Senator Diane Feinstein, I've never ever voted for her. I never once voted for former mayor of San Francisco Willie Brown either.

But I'll definitely vote for Kerry and Edwards.

I watched the presidential debate, and migrated the info from my Palm V to my new Palm Tungsten E. I love the wireless keyboard; it so cool! I'm definitely going to have to take it to a coffeeshop and write with it. I love new tech toys.

I need to figure out if I want a purchase a dictionary for my Palm, and other fun software. I was even thinking of putting music on my Palm, but the few songs that I have on my computer take up 346 MB. I'd have to get a 512 mb expansion card. I'm still not sure about getting Ipod.

I love listening to the radio to hear new songs. Most of the people I know who have Ipods, listen to their Ipods in their car to the same songs over and over again. They never listen to the radio or new songs. I have to listen to new songs, and I'm kind of bummed that I don't drive as much as I used because I listened to the radio a lot in my car.

Now I want a laptop; I seriously want a laptop. Should I be seriously trendy and buy a Mac, the laptop I've fantasized about owning for a long time? It's supposedly really trendy to drive a Volkswagen and own a Mac laptop. I love my Golf because it's small and very fast, not because it's a trendy car. My Siegfried VW is such a great car!

Or should I buy a Dell 300M from the outlet because it only weighs 3.1 pounds. Does 1 or 2 pounds really make a difference? Stay tuned ...

Wouldn’t it be fun to write a novel where the female character accidentally runs into two different versions of herself because of some strange rip in time, like say brought about by the pentagram that formed in space over the weekend.

--An amazingly rare, deeply auspicious planetary pattern is being formed in the sky today (October 1) . It involves the Sun, The Moon, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus, dividing the sky into exactly equal sectors of 72 degrees. Because the Sun is also forming a quadruple conjunction with Mars, Mercury and Jupiter, their influence is drawn in too.

We do not know how important these angles of 72 degrees were to the ancients but we do know they were considered crucial by Johan Kepler who lived between 1571 and 1630. Kepler is often called the father of modern astronomy because he worked out that the orbits of the planets are not circular but egg-shaped. He was also a keen astrologer with a reputation for accurate predictions. Kepler insisted that such 'Quintiles' denoted great ease and opportunity.

John Addey, one of the 20th century's greatest astrologers, was also excited by these alignments. He said they represented the zodiac's 'fifth harmonic' and revealed hidden spiritual secrets about the cosmic order.

If he, or Kepler, were still alive today, they'd be gobsmacked to see not one, but five, such alignments, all happening at once, creating the pattern of a perfect pentagram. The powerful pattern has been building up all week. It's a time when magical things become possible. Weirdly and intriguingly, this historic alignment repeats on October 28, at the very moment of the next lunar eclipse! --

So the premise would be the pentagram forms a rip in the time continuum that lasts from October 1 through October 28, and the main character through a series of strange coincidences runs into two different versions of herself. The only thing that separates the three lives is a decision each made regarding the same man they were all seeing a year previously.

Self 1 – slept with the guy on the first date after meeting the guy
Self 2 – dumped the guy after the first date
Self 3 (the current self who discovers the other two) – dumped the guy at first, then reconnected a few months later.

The novel would be about Self 3 finding out the consequences of each decision of the other two selves, and of course each decision turned out very differently. I’m even thinking I could put a little domestic mayhem in one of the stories just for dramatic effect. Each story would have to radically different for the total story to have any juice, and probably some kind of moral conclusion although what that moral conclusion would be is unknown to me right now.

The story would have to take place in the 28 day time frame, and maybe each of the characters would trade lives because they’re all the same person. So the selves would each get to experience each other’s lives. That would mean creating some kind of device to get the characters into the three parallel worlds, and I’m thinking like maybe they’re all interested in astrology and on October 1, they were attending in their separate worlds an astrology meeting at a nearby observatory. At some point in the night, they got lost and ended up in a room together all the same time. The room in the observatory would then be the portal into the parallel worlds, but I think I’d have to put some conditions on the point of entry. Like in order for each to move into the other world, they all have to switch together. That would really be confusing.

A better alternative would be that since they call entered the room in the observatory at the same time, they all have to travel to each world together but only one could switch. This scenario might even be more confusing.

I don’t know. I just like the thought of being able to write about what a life would have been like, based on the consequence of one very small decision.

I hate this. How did I end up in a job where I have to write and edit website copy for my program? This was never part of my job description, and I now I do it constantly. Whatever writing that needs to be done, they give it to me. "Give it to Brenda, she'll do it." We'll just redline her to death. Aaaarrggghh!

Strange coincidence today.

I called my dental insurance to check up on the claim for my dental surgery, and the phone rep guy told me I was third person to call who had the birthday of January 24. Then he laughed and said his birthday was on January 25. How weird is that? I never hardly meet anyone who has a birthday around the same time as mine, and the phone rep guy told me the same thing, which is why he noted how many January 24 women were calling him.

After work I went to CompUSA to buy my new Palm Tungsten E. I bought a cover, some paper and a keyboard. I'm looking through my receipt at home, when I notice that the cashier never charged me for the $70 wireless Palm keyboard. I got a free keyboard. This is so strange because the guard at the exit out of CompUSA checked my receipt and bag, and let me through. Like he didn't notice it either.

So either they're giving away free $70 wireless Palm keyboards at CompUSA, or I just got a fun free gift from the universe. What does it all mean? I never knew breaking up with a guy I'm very still much in love with could be so much fun! The universe is like giving me free stuff, like maybe I did the right thing or I'm on the right path. Or maybe I'm just really really danged lucky today.

I'm tripping, I'm just totally tripping. I'm telling you, this feeling good about the world stuff is better than any drug I've ever taken because of the sheer length of the high. I'm just wondering about the crash. After every good high comes a pretty gnarly nasty crash. You know the old saying ... the higher you go the lower you fall. So I'm like waiting for the boom to fall any minute now, and wondering how bad it's going to be.

Darn! I am in such a good mood. I really have to figure out how to bottle this stuff and sell it. It's like being high but without artificial stimulants. People would kill to feel as good as I'm feeling now, I think. I would kill to feel this good 24/7. Well maybe not 24/7, but at least whenever I wanted to feel good.

The feeling is like this ... you just want throw your head back and laugh and go "wwwhhheeeee" like you're a little kid, and you're rubbing your hands together. Ahhhh, the innocence of childhood. Or like you're on top of the world, but it's so disconcerting because you've done nothing new to warrant feeling this good.

Considering that I broke up with the person I thought was the love of my life on Friday, I'm in a rockin' good mood today. The "isn't life great, whhheeee feeling" is continuing this week.

I spent all Sunday writing "Dear Soul" letters, a technique I learned in a writing class I took a long time ago. You write your soul, or some other person you consider your most trusted source, letters about things, events you're going through. Then you write yourself back as "your soul" or whomever you picked. It's an interesting way to get answers to questions you somehow can't answer yourself. I write "dear editor" letters to myself when I'm stuck on some piece of writing as well.

Well, my soul had a ton to say about Mr. Red-headed guy, most of which had to do with the future. Of course, I kept writing back and saying "what future?" but "my soul" was determined to have its way. I still don't know what to think about what "my soul" wrote back to me. I even scanned previous letters, and 80% of the time it's been correct.

But "my soul" knows I'm skeptical so it keeps saying "don't do anything, watch it all unfold" and I'm like I am so not doing anything because I don’t like the future you’re telling me I’m going to have. Then I got into this writing piece about two of unfinished novels, because they have to do with the nature of free will and choice and prophecy and destiny and how much one influences the other. I believe in both novels my characters have free will and choice, but certain events in their life are planned. What free will does is lessen or add the severity of the event. Then I got into the question of whether free will can geometrically exacerbate a good or bad event, kind of like a snowball effect on life. I never could answer my own question, and I will have to finish the novels to find out if the snowball effect is true.

And then after spending all day writing, I came to the conclusion that maybe I was asking all the wrong questions about my life, and that's why I wasn't getting good answers about what next step to take. Then I did a Q&A with myself about what certain events had to with my life, and what I wrote was mind boggling. It's so true that if you ask the write questions, you'll get the right answers to why you're life isn't working of why you're doing the things you do.

But it takes courage to ask the right questions, and I couldn't have asked these questions of myself two months ago before I met red-headed guy. I wasn't ready for the answers, and somehow red-headed guy helped me get ready somehow. But even if I am now supposedly ready to read the answers about my life, it doesn't mean I like the answers I'm getting. And even though I'm very happy about the way my life is going right now, I'm not happy about the future that supposedly "my soul" said is coming my way.

I'm like there's got to be another way, there's got be another way to go, this can't be the only future available to me. And I'm like, maybe I need to write a novel about escaping your future, your destiny. Kind of life "The Butterfly Effect", but again dealing more with choice going forward in the present. If every choice, no matter how small or large, begets a different world, then can't a different choice deliberately taken steer a person clear away from a chosen path, as long as the choice is made over and over again? I think there was a series of movies dealing with this subject called "Final Destination".

So I kind of ended it with red-headed guy on Friday. I told him he needs to take care of some things in his life before we can be together. I didn't slam the door, I left it open, and the next move is his. So whether we continue forward or not is up to him. And I'm okay about it all.

I loved being in love with red-headed guy, and in fact I'm still into him. I couldn't have picked a more perfect guy to fall for. He was so cute, the right size, so perfect in so many ways, and I believe he sincerely loved me. But he's not really ready for a relationship, he wants to be, he's looking for a way, but he has a ton of work and growing up to do before we can be together.

Maybe the role I needed to play in his life was to move him onto his next step. And if that was all, then I'm happy because I helped him to grow. And he did help me to grow and realize many things about myself. Which is really what having a relationship is about isn't it? Helping you to move on to your next step in life, helping you to grow, and doing it with as much love as is humanly possible. And we both did that I think.

If red-headed guy comes back, then he really is my true love and true love is what I really want for my next relationship. And if he doesn't come back, then he was John the Baptist preparing the way for the true one who is to come. And I'm not going to settle for anything less than true love.

But life does go on for me, so I emailed some guy I had a dream about this morning about getting together. I'm hoping he emails me back. And then there's my weekend in LA in November, which I'm so looking forward to and hoping that red-headed guy doesn't come back before then so I can enjoy my weekend in LA.

It occurred to me this morning that I have been seriously neglecting all the things that I try to do improve my screenplay and novel writing.

I’ve been very good about keeping up with my reading although I can’t seem to read more than four books a month. Thank god I can read on my commutes to and from work. I also always carry a book with me now, so I can read whenever I’m on the train and not just on the way to work. I took one screenwriting seminar, and I’m in my Film History class this semester, so training wise for screenwriting I feel good that I’ve been keeping up. I’m also going to the screenwriting convention in LA in November, and I’m very much looking forward to that weekend.

But I’ve been bad about keeping up with my movie watching, reading books about writing, and taking novel writing classes.

I try to watch at least 100 movies a year, either at home or in the theatre, which means I have to watch two or more movies per week. I’ve been sadly neglecting my movie watching, and I can feel it. I did read three screenplays last months, but it’s not the same as watching a movie for what works and to study audience reaction. And there haven’t been any classes in writing that I’ve wanted to take or that I have time for right now. I need to go back to attending one-day seminars just to keep writing always at the forefront of my consciousness.

I’m starting to realize why there were people in my screenwriting classes who were amazed I could even finish a screenplay in six weeks. Writing is like having a job, and depending on how much work you want to put into it, it could be a full or part time job.

Not only is there writing to do every day, there’s books to read, movies to watch, and seminars to take. And the time involved all adds up. And then if you have a full time job, want to work out, want to go out, have friendships, and want to have a relationship, it’s all got to fit in somehow. And it’s hard and one area has to always suffer, and for me it’s always been my relationship life.

But my life has always been this crazy. When I was younger, I was married, working full time, and I was doing a public relations gig on the side. Things were crazy back then and the ex-hubby used to complain from time to time that I spent more time on my PR gig than on him. After I got divorced, I was still working full time, working on my part time PR gig and trying to run marathons. After my marathon phase, I decided I should try climbing the corporate ladder and worked 80 hours and week and lived at the gym the rest of the time. I dated now and then, but nothing seemed to last and I was too busy working and getting promoted every year to care.

Then I got into my growth and development phase, and was in seminars endlessly, and travelling around the country attending and/or working as a volunteer at the seminars, and still working a full time job and working out. After that phase petered out, the urge to be creative struck me and I tried my hand at acting and took acting classes and was in a couple of plays. And all during that time I was dating and still nothing really lasted because I was too busy either doing my growth and development work or acting to care.

After acting my writing phase started in 1999, and then came Steve who accused me of having too busy of a life to care about him. Then Charlie who said I was too self-absorbed to ever be in a relationship and then Chris, who said I put my screenwriting ahead of my personal life which was a bad thing. And then after awhile I didn’t care about dating because I got tired of men telling me I was too busy for them and I wanted to stop feeling guilty that maybe they were right about me. And in between life happened with five job changes, 9/11, friends and family dying, and everything else that happens in one’s life over the years.

But somehow writing did happen, and I started three novels, wrote one screenplay, a bunch of short stories, got something published in SFGATE.com about 9/11, and am writing a second screenplay. And I don’t know how things get done in my life, but they do get done.

I just wish I could solve my relationship issue once and for all. I know it will be hard work to have a full time relationship with the kind of life I’ve always lead, but I know in the long run that I’ll be much happier being in a couple. And it’s not like I’m all that lonely, but it would nice to have someone to share my life with sometimes.

I did not watch the presidential debate last night because of my film history class, but I watched some of the spinmeisters last night. I love the spin because it always makes me wonder if these people all watched the same thing.

I'm sure the debate will replay over the weekend, and I'll watch it then, but from what I've been able to gather Kerry did well but did not hit a homerun out of the ballpark. Over the weekend, the predictions were that Bush pretty much had the election locked up electorally. I don't think the debate will change the numbers on the electoral college picture at this point.

One of my favorite political commentators said on Saturday that Kerry was running the "lamest" campaign he'd ever seen. Another said that Kerry was gaining steam these last weeks, but it was a day late and dollar short.

The spinmeister that made me laugh out loud last night, Joe Trippi, when he said that this debate will change the course of the election. Wasn't this the guy who ran Howard Dean's campaign and said that would win the democratic nomination? Who is this guy and why does anyone care what he says because he's obviously not very smart about politics.

I was on the train this morning sitting and reading, when a guy got on and stood in front of me and almost shoved his book in my face. When I looked up, I saw a guy who could have been my red-headed boy’s younger cuter brother staring back at me and smiling. And l’m like "OH MY GOD!" I jokingly said to red-headed guy that if things don’t work out with us, I’d love to run into his twin. And like I so did this morning, and he was just as cute, if not cuter than red-headed guy. And I’m like so tripping right now, and I was like totally freaking out as I left the train. Red-headed guy’s twin didn’t get off at my stop, and I had to stop myself from asking for his phone number. I was freaking walking to work, telling myself I couldn’t believe it, and I still can’t get the freaky feeling out of my head.

Am I bad when I say I hope I run into red-headed guy’s twin again on the train?

So my good mood is still continuing, although it's kind of fading. I'm so neurotic that I'm waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, and wondering when it was going to get bad again. I just wish I knew why I was in such a good mood. I've been going to bed early from exhaustion, and I'm starting to wonder if the reason I'm feeling good is because I've actually been sleeping well these last two days.

But would sleep making me rub my hands together and say "wwwwweeeeee!" in a childlike squeaky voice?

So my good mood continued this morning, and it's driving me nuts on some level because I can't figure out why I'm so happy. I want to figure it out so I can reproduce the feeling again. It's like I'm a little kid and I clap my hands and say "whhheeeee!" like I'm having so much fun, and it's so darn disconcerting because I don't think I've changed anything in my life. My life is the same traumarama it was yesterday morning, except now I'm happy about it.

What the heck is going on? I want to bottle this stuff because it's an amazingly incredible feeling, like things are all going to work out and work out very well.

So I've been journaling all night long and just writing and writing about what's going on with my life, and all the things that are going on. I haven't done that in so long. And OH MY GOD, I'm like so happy again. It's wild, like so dang wild! I don't know. It feels like whatever thoughts were swirling and whirling around in my head are now out on paper, and my mind is free. And when my mind is free of chaotic thoughts, guess what? I feel happy!

I'm sitting here laughing and giggling and thinking wouldn't it be fun to wake up tomorrow and realize that every truth you ever thought about yourself was totally false, and what that would mean for your life. You could throw your whole life up in the air and see where it lands. I mean, how cool would that be, to create a totally different life from the one you already have.

I haven't done that in years. Take my life, and throw it up in the air and start over. It's a trip to start over, to start from scratch, start from zero, and recreate something way much better than what you already have. Sure it's scary as heck, but boy is it a ton of fun!

The urge to do this again is so strong. All it would take I think is to think a different way, make different choices, and once you do that, you instantly start leading a different life. I don't ever want this amazingly happy feeling to end.

It's so hard to describe. It feels like everything is going to work out. I mean, it always does for me, always, but I rarely do I ever feel this ecstatic about it. How do I make this feeling last? I want to feel like this for the rest of my life. That whatever is going to happen in my life is going to work out, and work out for the best, and that I'm being held so tightly in the palm of God's hand that I feel safe and loved and protected and happy. It's so cool!

It's really been years where I've felt like this. Where I'm just giggling for no reason, like I've won some lottery in life, when in reality nothing is my life has actually changed except maybe my attitude about it. And the only thing that I've done is write and write for hours on end, and live in the world of my own mind, my own head for a few hours.

What a great feeling, to live in your own thoughts for a few hours, and then to come out of it thinking, gosh I lead a great life. Maybe not the best life in anyone else's eyes but my own, but I wouldn't trade the happiness that I'm feeling now for anything in the world.

The whole experience is just tripping me out, and I know it's not going to last. I know I'm going to wake up tomorrow, feeling my usual sort of miserable self. But at least I'll have the memory of tonight to remember and savour and wonder about for years.

I talked for a long time to a friend of mine about my traumarama life, and she said that it's obvious I'm not ready for a serious relationship yet because if I was I wouldn't be having the problems I'm having with red-haired guy.

I think she might be right. With my job and my feeble attempts to write, I just don't have that much time and energy for a full-blown long term relationship. It wouldn't be fair to any guy, and it hasn't been in the past, to be in a relationship with me. Believe me, enough men have told me this for me to know it's the truth.

Steve said it, Charlie said, and Chris said it. So maybe it's true.

Maybe it's the full moon, but my life is one big traumarama.

Red-headed guy and I had huge fight at Gordon Biersch when he came to pick me up for lunch yesterday. What can I say about him? He's a bit of a slime, and it's a long stupid story that I'm not about to get into on this blog. He asked the waiter at Gordon Biersch for a knife to slit his wrist, and I told the waitress I lost my appetite. And I alternate between hating him and loving him, and thinking I really need to get myself back into therapy right now and break up with him.

So I pray, like I haven't been praying big time since we met, for JC to give me a sign of what to do. It's that catholic girl coming out in me; I need signs! So either the signs have been coming and I'm too blind to see them or they're not coming at all. Not quite sure which is happening. In my prayer and meditation, JC says "this is a holy relationship, a teaching relationship, and this is about surrendering to God's plan for my life." I don't know what the plan is, and from what I can tell it so doesn't make sense, and I all I can do is follow along. And JC reminds me constantly that "I've never been good ever at surrender and following his plans for my life". So maybe this is the only way he could get through to me ... I don't know.

All I know is my gut instinct tells me, screams at me, that this thing between us has to play out. Like Paul in the sci-fi series "Dune", my intuition keeps telling me "things must play out to their logical conclusion". To what conclusion I have no idea, but events have to unfold and I have to let them.

My brain however says a different thing, and my logical mind is fuming right now. My heart and body are way too involved, so they're no good.

But in the midst of the traumarama, I wrote six pages of my Texas novel last night. So maybe this has something to do with my writing, and if I can just focus on that everything else will work out.

Because my job is not the answer to making me happy; I've already been shown that. And I guess being in a relationship that heads towards marriage is not going to make me happy either, at least until I become serious about my writing.

Writing is the only thing that seems to make me happy these days, and it feels like the universe has backed me into a corner on this one. And I'm not happy about it. I'm sure JC is up there chuckling about it all, that he's got my number, that he's going to teach me a lesson in obedience, that he's the supreme ruler of my life, and that there's very little I can do about it, that he's had enough of my stubborn indepedent ways and my cunning ways of backing out of the plans he's had for me in the past.

Okay, so I'm putting an ultra spiritual spin on the messed up events of current life but there's nothing else that explains what the heck is happening right now. I get thrown for a humungous loop when events in my life unfold without making sense, and there isn't an instruction book out there for me to read from so I get it right. And I have to get it right, don't I?

So I'm back to typing up my notes for my Texas novel. I still can't get myself in the mood to write my screenplay, which is kind of annoying me. Oh well. I'm making myself work on it this week.

How sexy is this? The horse my male character is riding matches his hair colour. Oh my god, I just think that a guy riding a horse the same colour of his hair is just so darn hot! I don't know why I think it's hot, it just is. The image just seems to yummy looking! Talk about the perfect studmuffin image doubled!

Memo to guys: Take a play out of red-haired guy's play book and leave the following message on your girl's voicemail. It will melt her heart.

"You know how much I miss you? I miss you with all my heart."

Oh my god, it's soooo goofy and hokey, but so darn sweet! I just love this man!

I've in such a weird mood these last two days. Yesterday, I had low level anxiety all day. I was kind of freaked out abou the whole thing. It's like having the heebie jeebies all day, and not knowing why. I did wake up at 3 am yesterday morning, and maybe I missed my REM sleep. Who knows.

Then this morning I was a 3.5 hour conference call. That was way too long and by the end I was grinding my teeth and ready to jump out of my skin. That is just way too long to be on a conference call. And my heebie jeebies are still there. Damn!

Supposedly U2 is debuting their newest song the radio at 3 pm today, because some radio station in Croatio leaked the song internationally. The record company wanted to move the U2 play up because of the leak. Strange huh?

Just heard this in a song ...

"If Bill Gates got laid in highschool would he have started Microsoft?"

Hmmmmm .....

From LazyBoy, song title "Underwear goes on the outside of your Pants".

My LA Screenwriting Weekend Schedule:

Friday @ 1 pm
Passion into Product
Part#: EV1222
Following the model of his UCLA screenwriting seminars that have produced such writers as Pamela Gray, (A Walk On The Moon), Nicholas Griffin, (Matchstick Men) Sacha Gervasi (Terminal, starring Tom Hanks), Hal Ackerman, author of Write Screenplays That Sell...The Ackerman Way will talk about writing what you love and making it saleable.

HAL ACKERMAN has been on the UCLA Screenwriting faculty for 18 years. As a writer he has sold material to major studios, to Academy Award winning independent producers and to the major television networks. His fiction and non-fiction writing has appeared in numerous literary journals. An award-winning playwright, his work has been performed at the National Shakespeare Company. His one-man play, Blue Sundays: How Prostate Cancer Made a Man of Me, was recently introduced in Los Angeles.

Friday @ 3 pm
Character and the Nature of Conflict
Part#: EV1224
All drama is conflict. Without conflict you have no action. Without action you have no character. Without character you have no story. And without story, you have no screenplay. How can we integrate conflict into our character's lives to create maximum dramatic value? Using examples from The Pianist, Lord of the Rings, American Beauty, The Hours, and others, we'll explore various ways to integrate conflict into your characters throughline that will enhance your character's life within the parameters of your screenplay.

SYD FIELD has been acclaimed as "The guru of all screen writers" (CNN). He is regarded by many Hollywood professionals to be the leading authority in the art and craft of screenwriting in the world today. His internationally acclaimed best-selling books have established themselves as the "bibles" of the film industry, are used in more than 400 colleges and universities and have been translated into 20 languages. He is currently on faculty at the USC Master's of Professional Writing Program, and was the first inductee into the prestigious Screenwriting Hall of Fame in 2001.

Friday @ 5 pm
Evoking Emotion through Character: Crafting Complex Characters
Part#: EV1110
It isn't what happens to people on a page; it's what happens to a reader in his heart and mind. Expanding on the key element of all successful scripts, the reader's emotional experience, author Karl Iglesias will showcase techniques and tricks of the trade from highly successful screenwriters to instantly humanize a character, and achieve that elusive emotional connection. Topics will include character arcs and emotional courage, the emotional elements that create character, and the distinction between character emotion vs. reader emotion.

KARL IGLESIAS teaches at UCLA Extension Writers' Program, and is the best-selling author of The 101 Habits of Highly Successful Screenwriters. A graduate of Cornell University, he has worked as a script analyst and development executive for various production companies. As a script consultant passionate about great storytelling, he specializes in reader emotional response. He can be reached through his website at www.writinghabits.com. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Friday @ 7 pm
Welcome to the Dark Side
Part#: EV1288
There's an old adage that says you become what you fear. One of the great functions of story is to take us to places metaphorically where we're afraid to go in real life so that we can confront our deepest fears and expose them to the healing light of day. This course is designed to help writers gain greater insight into the symbolic value of the dark, Underworld side of nature in order to expose the life-affirming values of survival, liberation and redemption. We'll also look at the use of the dreaded duo in film: violence and sexuality. What value do they really hold, and why is our culture so afraid of them?

DARA MARKS has been consistently rated by Creative Screenwriting magazine as one of the best script consultants in the film industry. She has specialized in the analysis of the modern screenplay for the past two decades, and her clients range from top studio writers and executives to beginning screenwriters. Dara has worked for major Hollywood studios and is the author of a groundbreaking new book on her innovative, new approach to story structure and character development through a technique she calls The Inner Script. She was a STAR Speaker of the 2002 Screenwriting Expo.

Saturday @ 8 am
Stories that Touch Your Soul
Part#: EV1061
Why do some stories touch you and others don't? In this seminar, we will explore the spiritual, physiological, and psychological basis for good storytelling that transcends time, place, and cultures. And then, we will cover how you can apply these rules to make your stories resonate deeply with all audiences.

RICHARD KREVOLIN has taught at UCLA and USC Film Schools and is the author of the books, Screenwriting From The Soul, Pilot Your Life, and How To Adapt Anything Into A Screenplay. Richard has several screenplays under option and in development. He was a finalist for the $500,000 Kingman Screenwriting Award, the Chesterfield Screenwriting Contest, the Klasky-Csupo Screenwriting Contest, and the Nicholl Fellowship Screenwriting Award. In addition, he has consulted and conducts writers' workshops and seminars throughout the world. His website is www.profK.com and he can be reached at rich@profK.com. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Saturday @ 10 am
Robert McKee Lecture
Part#: EV1271
Robert McKee will be presenting a new and original lecture at Screenwriting Expo 3. Details are available at www.mckeestory.com.

Saturday @ 1 pm
Writing the Dramatic Truth
Part#: EV1004
Characters come alive in stories because they seek to resolve and fulfill issues of human need as simple as good versus evil to gaining understanding and acceptance. Understanding a character's dramatic truth and creating situations that compel characters to resolve their truths offers a key to creating dynamic, passionate characters. Populating a story with characters who embody opposing dramatic truths is a natural way to create compelling conflict. This workshop is designed to help writers see into the hearts of their major characters.

BILL JOHNSON is author of A Story is a Promise, a workbook that explores how to create dramatic, engaging stories. He's web master of Essays on the Craft of Dramatic Writing (www.storyispromise.com). Bill leads workshops on writing around the United States. He is a produced playwright, optioned screenwriter, and has provided coverage for manuscript submissions for literary agents. He's the author of a science fiction novel, The Combat Poets of Maya. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Saturday @ 3 pm
Claiming Your Creative Life
Part#: EV1098
All the seminars, books, and techniques in the world are of no use unless you can connect to your own creative energy. This seminar will help you awaken and develop that connection.

ALLEN D. KOEHN is a Jungian analyst with over 30 years experience working with successful writers, actors, directors, and others who seek to fulfill their creative potential. He leads several popular creative workshop/support groups. He is also available for individual creative coaching sessions.

Saturday @ 5 pm
Under the Covers and Up on the Screen: How to Write Intimate Scenes for the Movies
Part#: EV1071
Romance novels account for over 54% of paperback fiction. So how come so few of them get adapted to film? Maybe because no one knows how to craft intimacy and write credible screenplay sex. Less is more" is the focus of this workshop on bringing sizzle and sensuality to the cinema.

CHRISTINA HAMLETT is a former actress/director. She's an award-winning author and script coverage consultant whose credits include 17 books, 110 plays/musicals, 3 optioned films, multiple shorts, and columns that appear throughout the world. Her second screenwriting book, Could It Be a Movie, will be released in winter 2004 by Michael Wiese Productions.

Saturday @ 7 pm
Psychology of Subtext: How Characters Say What They Don't Mean
Part#: EV1118
My dialogue is flat. Every character sounds the same. The tone should change, but I don't know why. There's no conflict in the conversation. The exposition is obvious. The actors will take care of it, right?-These statements reveal that subtext and hidden needs might be lacking in your script, your characters' dialogue and action. Learn to write what isn't written-subtext, inner monologue, psychological action and response-from an actor and screenwriter, and how to make your characters' words and actions come to life and jump off the page.

SPENCER BEGLARIAN is a graduate of USC and Yale Drama School, and an award-winning screenwriter, actor, and educator who has been profiled in The New Yorker's "The Talk of the Town," Backstage West, and the LA Times. He recently wrote, produced, and directed a series of short comedic films for cable distribution, is in pre-production with one of his feature scripts, and is completing his documentary feature debut.

Sunday @ 10 am
Secrets of Hollywood Genres
Part#: EV1033
The first rule of the entertainment business is this: it buys and sells genres. Today's most popular movies are always at least one story form, and usually a combination of two or three. Problem: almost no one is an expert at the intricate array of beats, tricks and techniques required by the eleven most popular movie genres. Hollywood's top genre expert, John Truby, will show you some of the secrets of the most popular story forms in the entertainment business.

JOHN TRUBY is a screenwriter and author of the story software, Truby's Blockbuster. He has taught his story structure and genre courses, worldwide and online at www.truby.com, to over 20,000 students, including the writers of Shrek, The Mask Of Zorro, Sleepless In Seattle, Outbreak, Beetlejuice, and Nightmare On Elm Street. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Sunday @ 1 pm
Top Ten Reasons to Write With a Partner (and Finding the Right One)
Part#: EV1059
(Qty: 1 x $4.00)
Write with a partner and double your chance for success. How? Claudia Johnson and Matt Stevens, authors of Script Partners, explore the compelling advantages of co-writing scripts. Yes, you must find the right writing partner, so Johnson and Stevens will show you how. For solo writers considering collaboration-or the merely co-curious.

It's taken me a week, but I think I finally have my schedule of classes for the Screenwriting Expo 3 in LA the weekend of November 5-7. I'm such a sucker for famous people that I've signed up for classes with all the screenwriting big honchos like Syd Field, John Truby, and of course Robert McKee. After watching McKee portrayed in "Adaptation", I just have to find out if he's as intense as the movie portrayed him. If I like McKee well enough, I'm even thinking of heading out to Vegas in December to take a three day class from him.

Some of the classes I really wanted to take are advertised as "Professional Level Seminars: appropropriate for writers who hav eat least optioned one script". And I'm like darn, I guess that's not me. Those "Pro" classes are the most intersting ones though. When I looked at my final class schedule, all of my classes are in the "Advanced Level Seminar" category, appropriate for writers who have finished at least one script.

Besides famous people, most of my classes are being taught by either people who teach screenwriting courses at UCLA or have written screenwriting books that I've heard about.

The one fun thing that I'll probably be attending instead of a class is watching Jerry Lewis receive a lifetime achievement award. I'll probably do the same thing as my roommate for the weekend, sign up for a class and then blow it off to check out Jerry Lewis. Gotta see the guy before he keels over, and besides I've always loved his movies.

My roommate warned me not to sign up for any 8 am classes, because she said last year she was up partying all night. There are some really good seminars at 8 am however, and I might just sign up for them just to see if I can make get to them. I'm sure if I don't make it, I won't be the only person missing classes that weekend.

I'm excited because it's so fun to take classes, learn new things and meet other writers who are working on their craft. I'm hoping the experience will give me perspective that the writing life isn't so lonely after all, if there's all these other people spending their nights staring at their computer screens hoping, praying, desperately pleading that the writing muse will visit them tonight.

I think I read somewhere that the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy gang is going to start a new show called “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl”, and I can’t wait. I want Carson to just go off on women who wear those ped socks with shoes for the sockless look, which has reached pandemic levels in San Francisco.

Okay the thing about those ped socks, is I don’t think the rest of the world is supposed to see them. They’re supposed to be hidden, out of sight, otherwise you don’t quite achieve the “sockless, I don’t wear socks look”. But not in San Francisco. Like oh my god, those ped socks are visible on every woman wearing them. And you know what, they look pretty dang awful. Not only do they so not look like you’re not wearing socks, it looks you’re trying too hard to not look like you’re wearing socks and badly, badly, seriously failing.

And women in San Francisco wear that I’m failing to achieve the sockless look proudly. Like they think it’s so darn stylish to appear as a one huge fashion disaster.

I must admit I myself bought some of those ped socks, and tried it with my shoes. After two hours, I decided I had wasted my money because there was no way I was every going to look I was going sockless with the current shoes I owned. So my peds sit in my sock drawer until I can buy shoes that will achieve the perfect sockless look. And the manufacturers have the worst colors too. It's either black, white or some odd shade of tan than I've never seen on any living human being.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not into walking around looking like I’m failing at wanting to look like I don’t wear socks with my shoes.

I am in love, and it’s so unbelievably glorious. I never thought I could ever fall in love like this, where it’s exactly like what has been described in verse, song and books since time immemorial. But it’s more than that, it’s just fun, fun stuff. And this is only the beginning too. I’m like what if this continues and keeps getting stronger as the months go by. I’m so in love I’m starting to think that not having prenup might be okay, only because I know the red-haired guy isn’t going to ream me over money. But I’ll make that decision when the time comes, if we ever end up going down that road.

Yes, red-haired guy and I are still together. We had a bad moment where I saw his worst side and he saw mine, and then we both apologized and then we made up and it’s all better now, much better. Poor guy. His brother had some major, major unexpected surgery, so he was totally freaking out and not calling me. And then I got so freaked out because I hadn’t heard from him in awhile, and I jumped to the conclusion that he was trying to ditch me but couldn’t bring himself to do it and had decided to just stop calling.

But then he called and said he was a “bad, bad, bad boy”, and I said to him “I was a bad girl too” because I did feel guilty for throwing a major insecurity fit on him. Then when he told me his family trauma story, I felt so guilty. Then we saw each other the next day and we had a fantastically fun make up date, and I’m back in love and very, very happy. And now he’s planning all these romantic mushy dates, because he’s the romantic one in the relationship and I’m like so grateful because I’m not romantic at all. And of course like any silly girl, I'm thinking I think I really want to marry my red-haired boy some day and we're going to be together till we're old and gray. And red-haired guy keeps telling me we're going to be together till we're 80 years old. And life is good for now.

Saturday I went to a mall in the East Bay specifically to compare the Dell laptop I wanted, and then go next door to the new Apple store to compare it to the Apple ibook G4. Of course, the best laid plans never pan out.

The Dell people didn't have the laptop I wanted because as the salesperson said, it's not a popular model and Dell doesn't know how the sales are doing. She said they might be getting it in a few months. She told me I could just order it online, and then if I didn't like it I could get a full refund in 30 days. Whatever!

Then I went to the Apple store where there was a line because the store was just opening that morning. I got a free t-shirt, and checked out the iBook G4 again.

I hate when I can't do comparison shopping. I want to be able to pick up the Dell laptop, and feel it in my hands and think about whether it's something I wouldn't mind carrying around in my bag every day. I pick up the ibook G4 and it's bulletproof casing built to take abuse by students, and I see myself carrying it around. I'm not in love with the touchpad, never did like those things but I suppose I would get used to it.

So still no laptop. I read reviews of both on C/net and the Dell laptop kind of got a bad review for it's bad battery, easy to dirty screen and its three-prong cord. The Apple iBook didn't fare that well either.

I hate when I can't buy something that I want. There's something seriously wrong with that. I have this vision of a laptop I think I need, the world is getting in my way.

These Springstein songs remind me of my college boyfriend Drew from Bergen County, New Jersey. I have memories of us in Paramus Park Mall on Christmas eve shopping for presents of each other, and then how it was snowing when we left and how we were sliding backwards down this hill. Then driving across Jersey to visit some friend of his who lived next to a Hershey chocolate factory I think, and having to throw coins into all those darn toll booths. And hanging with him and his friends on some corner of some North Jersey town, me wearing his leather jacket and me thinking I was reliving part of some Bruce Springstein song. And that weird friend of his that I only met once and who we ran into at some classic american diner. As soon as we entered the diner, the guy comes up to us and says to me “I never forget a pretty face”. Like whatever.

Drew was going to school in South Jersey, and I stayed at his house at spring break. We tripped on shrooms and drove into Atlantic City at midnight with some friends of his, and wondered around the casinos. We watched some mafia types, all in dark suits and looking pretty dangerous playing Baccarat. Then I freaked out about the crippled woman manically playing on some giant slot machine in the front of one of the casinos.

Then we went to get something to eat, and everyone got carded except for me and Drew. The doorman took one look at us and waved us through. Drew and his friends spent an hour speculating why we didn’t get carded when everyone else did. They came to the conclusion that there must be unspoken rule in Atlantic City than when a guy is out with a jailbait looking girl, no one asks any questions. Drew’s friends thought I looked like I was in junior high.

What a fun night. That was the first time I had french fries with melted cheese on top. Then we went walking along the jersey shore and on the boardwalk, and then to a donut shop to eat donuts because we were all still starving.

I'm listening to the Bruce Springstein cd "Born to Run", and it makes me feel like I'm a college kid because that's when I think started listening to his music. My first roommate in college had picture of "The Boss" all over our dorm room. Paula was such a Chi-town North Shore girl, wishing she was a leather clad chain-smoking jersey girl. I only started liking Springstein because I was forced to listened to him for two semesters. I was a mod/goth girl wearing fishnets, clunky 60's shoes, hats with veils, and listening to The Cure, The Clash, Pere Ubu and Joy Division.

I've never understood the appeal of listening to only music from your past. It's kind of fun once in a while to listen to the music of my youth, but then I get depressed. I feel like another Springstein song "looking back on my glory days". And I'm like my "glory days" keep on happening, so what is there to look back at. And my best "glory days" are yet to come, and will keep on happening until that day I drop dead.

Whatever.

My all time favourite Bruce Springstein song "Meeting Across the River" is on this cd. I love this song. It still chokes me up whenever I hear it; the desperation in this song is so palpable. I think we've all been in this guy's position at some point in our lives, maybe more time than we would ever care to admit.

Just when I was all excited and set to buy a Mac laptop, a friend of mine told me that Dell just cut the price on their four pound laptop. It doesn't have a cd-rw like the Mac I-Book G4, but the price is pretty darn comparable because I wouldn't have to buy extra software.

I could buy a Dell laptop Inspiron 700m with Windows XP for Home for about $1,200. I have a Windows XP Pro installation disk at home, so I could upgrade it myself and I could load all my old MS Office 2000 software on it, as well Final Draft 6 which I can install on two computers. This laptop has a 12.1 inch screen like the Mac.

But not having a cd-rw is kind of a drag I think. Plus, I was thinking I could load mp3s on my mac laptop and use it like an I-Pod since I plan to carry the laptop around with me most of the time.

Decisions, decisions. There are two Dell stores in the area, which makes me think I need to check one of them out to see the Dell laptop in person this weekend. The stores are each an hour outside of San Francisco, but I need to see a Dell laptop in person so I can compare it to the Mac I saw in the Apple store on Union square.

My friend was telling I'm just inviting file transfer problems if I have a Mac laptop and a pc desktop. But the guy at the Apple customer service told me that the transfer issues have been taken care of.

I don't why people make such a big deal out whether you're a mac user or a pc user. I started out using a mac, and then I had to switch to a pc, but with the advent of windows, there really isn't that much of a difference I think.

I'm also defintely getting a new palm with a fold up keyboard. I need a new palm anyway, and I might as well get the fold up keyboard for those days when I don't feel like lugging around a laptop.

Something about my apartment is just not conducive to me writing. I can type out my handwritten notes at home, but writing on the computer is just next to impossible I’ve decided. Not sure why this is happening either, but it’s definitely happening. I kind of think it’s because I spent a year working at home, and I’m still suffering from the effects of that whole experience. Not being able to write at home is such a drag, because sometimes it just works better if I can type on a computer and hand write everything by hand.

So I’m looking at two options to my writing dilemma. The first option is two buy a new palm pilot with a fold up keyboard. I met a woman in my science fiction writing class who wrote all her short stories this way, and wrote a 200-page novel on her Handspring Visor. She carried her visor and fold up keyboard in her purse and since it’s so compact and small, she carried it everywhere.

I’ve been looking at the new palm pilots, and my current favourite is the Tungsten E. It’s not prohibitively expensive, and features a colour screen. I’ve been thinking it would be fun to have a palm pilot to check email or surf the net, but I don’t need all those bells and whistles if I all I want to do is use my palm pilot to type out my stories.

My second option, and one that I’m seriously considering, is getting a Mac laptop. It’s been a fantasy of mine to own a Mac laptop. I have a pc at home, but I’ve always wanted a Mac laptop. I looked at the I-book at the Apple store, and it’s so small and light and not expensive at all compared to comparable pc laptops.

I have to buy Office for Mac to make sure I can trade files back and forth, and I probably have to upgrade my Final Draft screenwriting software so I can use it on both a Mac and a PC. Final Draft 7 is cross platform, and with one license you can install it on both a Mac and a PC. This must mean I’m not the only one who has a pc and a Mac.

I’m definitely getting a new palm. But I’m still up in the air on the Mac laptop. I just wish PC laptops weren’t so expensive compared to a Mac laptop, because then I’d probably get a PC laptop. But that Mac price is just so attractive!

I'm really getting exciting about that screenwriting expo I'll be attending in November. I think Andrew Sorkin Aaron Sorkin, creator and writer for "The West Wing" is going to be there, but lots of other famous Hollywood celebs and writers.

I'm turning into my younger sisters, who are rail thin (one is a size 2) and who have major anxiety stress problems. I thought my anxiety would go away today, but it's like not. It's so weird to feel like you want to constantly jump out of your skin. My youngest sister has heart palpitations, when she get nervous and says it's the worse feeling.

I think I'm going through the same thing. All day long my heart's been like jumping and racing around. It's the weirdest feeling, and so unnerving. I hate it, and I'm like I think I really need to see a doctor and/or a shrink.

I started keeping a journal just for writing, where I write to myself about what I'm working on. John Steinbeck kept one, as well as other famous writers.

So I was writing an entry this morning on my commute to work, when I figured something I didn't know about my own writing process. I need to keep writing, even if it's not on the project I want to write about. I think I got kind of stuck on wanting to only work on one project at at time, which is so not the way I normally work on projects at work. At work I have to work on several projects at a time, doing a little bit here and there to keep up with my deadlines.

I have to adapt my job working style to my writing style, so I don't have to invent a new way of working for myself. Sounds so simple doesn't it, but I so did not get this before. And I need to take into account that I have a short attention span with everything, and only do well with short term projects or long term projects broken into short term projects.

If I'm always writing, I'll have a backlog of projects that need typing up or editing. So when I'm in a phase like I am where I can't write anything new down, I can keep up with my writing because I'll always have work that needs typing up or editing. So I won't feel guilty for not writing because I'll always be working on a project related to my writing.

I think this is a brilliant insight, and something I wish I'd gotten five years ago. But oh well. Better late than never, I suppose.

I took the enneagram test four years ago, and I tested as an enneagram personality type four - The Artist, creative, intuitive, introverted depressive, with a Five wing, The Thinker, perceptive, analytic, eccentric, paranoid.

I felt so depressed this weekend. I had anxiety coursing through my body since Friday. I haven't had an anxiety attack in years. Breaking up with someone is so hard. It brings out every abandonment experience in my past. It doesn't matter if I was breaking up with someone because it was the best and right thing for me to do, I still feel abandoned.

In my depressive state, I read my enneagram book and here's one of the recommendations for personality type four that I should follow for my writing.

Avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood." Commit yourself to productive, meaningful work that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small the contribution may be. Working consistently in the real world will create a context in which you can discover yourself and your talents. (Actually, you are happiest when you are working - that is, activating your potentials and realizing yourself.) You will not "find yourself" in a vacuum or while waiting for inspiration to strike, so connect, - and stay connected - with the real world.

I've been trying to work on my screenplay, but it's been slow going. I edited it a ton, but I still can't get into the mood to starting writing it again.

So now I'm back to my Texas novel, and typing up the pages I wrote back in the beginning of the year. When I write things out by hand, when I retype it it's like I'm doing another edit. It's weird to read chapters I wrote back in January and February, and then type it and edit now in September. 1,144 words typed and edited so far.

Sometimes even good things must come to an end, especially when they stop becoming fun. So red-haired guy and I are over ... big surprise. He was such a rush, but with every good rush comes a downer.

After that first boredom level, combined with his lack of communication and busy schedule, I decided that bowing out was better. Perhaps he decided this as well, and took the easy way out. Last weekend, all my girlfriends told me stories about guys who they dumped after all the attention stopped. It was like a national epidemic, and I guess I was a statistic.

But we did have fun, and it was a rush and we got some loving in, but now it's time to come back to the real world. I'm having a ton of anxiety about it all. Breaking off a relationship no matter how short is so anxiety producing. It's been such a weird weekend.

But maybe it was all worth it, because now I'm in such a mood to write. Gotta love a guy who puts me in the mood to write. I still really like the red-haired guy, but our dating styles just don't match. As someone once wrote, "you should be in a love relationship with someone whose addictive programming, whose issues you can live with". I think this statement is true, and I just couldn't live with red-haired guy's issues. I still love him, but he's just not dating material.

Not really sure if he's even story material yet except for our first meeting, but maybe that needs time to percolate. What a rush that boy was! A fun rush, but rushes just can't last, can they?

This is just me, but I know part of me is already kind of bored with the red-headed guy. 50 days and I've reached my first boredom level. This always happens with me, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the guy. It's just my thing. I think it's my way of claiming back my sense of self, and stepping back from a relationship because I'm like ready to kind of move on to the next thing. Maybe not necessarily a new relationship, but definitely something new to think about other than my red-headed guy.

I've been in such an insecure dour mood lately. I hate when that happens. Poor red-haired guy, I'm sure he's like not happy with me. But today I feel much happier.

A friend and I are jetting down to LA the first weekend in November to attend the Creative Screenwriting 3-day expo. I'm excited. Three days of screenwriting classes with everything from character development, dialogue to marketing. And my friend says there are parties afterwards, and we're going to stay in the hotel where all the parties are at so we can stumble back up to our room at 1 am. My friend says she partied every night and blew off her 8 am classes, so she warned me about taking early classes.

I'm bad because the thought that keeps running through my head is "I'll meet guys, writing guys, maybe an editor/writing guy which is like my total fantasy life partner." I'm pretty darn sure red-headed guy will probably still be in life come November, but can't a girl still dream? Red-headed guy is great, but he's not a writer. I've been meaning to ask him if he wouldn't mind reading some of my stuff so I could get his feedback, but I don't know if I want to go down that road yet.

As much as I bitch and moan about my red-haired guy, I am so glad he's in my life. He's been one learning lesson after another for me. I've learned so many things about myself in my dealings with him. And he really lets me by myself without judgement, and I'm learning to appreciate things about myself that I didn't know were good qualities.

Like how I chased him down. What a great balm I must be to this guy's ego, because I so chased him down and made him think he was the best thing since sliced bread. What guy wouldn't want some girl that he thinks is attractive calling him constantly and telling him how much she wants him? And telling him how funny he is, how attractive, how he's just perfection on earth. Any person would want that I think.

And I forgot how much I actually enjoy pursuing a guy and being the hunter, rather than being the one hunted. In college, I did most of my hunting and I was much happier that way. And my aggressive hunter skills have only been honed working in corporate America, so it's a role I kind of enjoy playing anyway.

My friends will tell you that when I get an idea into my head, I usually just go for it. When I see what I want, I go out and get it. Why wait around if you know that's what you want. And red-haired guy is definitely somebody I want right now, big time. For how long, I don't know. But in the meantime, I am reliving my college days and am having a blast being the aggressive girl who my best friend and first love dubbed "his little royal canadian mounty" because he said "I always got my man."

Reader Beware! Delusional writing ahead ...

So like this is my blog, and I’m about to write about something that probably no one would ever understand unless you have these abilities. But this is only place I can vent about this kind of stuff. I used to have a friend who I could talk to about these things, because she had the same abilities only more developed than mine, but she died and now I have no one to talk to.

So I have some psychic abilities, and I’m very empathic. Remember that empath chick from a very early episode of Star Trek. She could pick up wounds from other people and heal them. Well, I kind of do the same thing only psychically. My abilities are not as developed as others, thank God, because that means I can function in the world.

I had a friend in college whose abilities were so developed she could just look at someone and see a vision of when they were going to die. When she was younger, she used to try to warn people not to do stuff that might get them killed. Sometimes they listened and sometimes they didn’t, and it got her in a ton of trouble. Most people completely fear someone who can see the future that clearly. She told me that she had to learn to turn it off, to stop absorbing vibrations from other people because it was just an awful experience which made her physically ill.

I have to be very careful of whom I associate with, because I cannot be around people who have a lot of anger in them or a lot of emotional stuff going on. It’s just too much for me to take, and I can easily get caught up in people’s traumas and dramas. My abilities aren’t developed enough to where I’m incapacitated by what I pick up, but I still pick stuff up constantly.

I couldn’t go near the Vietnam Memorial in DC when I first went to visit. There’s like a wall of pain surrounding whole place, and when I got within a 100 feet of it I started crying and feeling miserable. I probably couldn’t even get near the World Trade Center disaster without freaking out. There usually has to be a lot of pain around something for me to have a reaction, but sometimes when I leave myself too open, it doesn’t take very much to get me going.

I think love relationships are especially hard for me, because I’ll start psychically bonding with a guy right away. I’ll be able to pick up when they’re thinking about me, and I’ll start getting caught in their dramas. It’s so hard too in the beginning of any love relationship because it’s so natural to want to bond, to merge your being with the other person totally. But with me, the merging is more than bodies and emotions; it’s like the person is inside my head.

It’s so hard to explain. I can’t put into words what I feel because it happens at such a subtle level, and because my abilities aren’t developed enough to where I see visions it’s hard to describe. Most of the time, I can ignore it and not pay attention. But as I get older, I can’t ignore the abilities any longer. I don’t know if it’s because my defenses are more vulnerable or if it’s because my abilities are just increasing, but I am forced to pay attention when someone is literally in my space.

So like it’s happening with the red-haired guy, and he’s like showing up in my meditations and I feel so enmeshed with him. At first, I didn’t like it because it’s just no fun feeling other people’s feelings. I feel things that I know are not coming from me, but from someone else, and that’s the best way I can describe it because when I clear myself, I don’t have the same feelings anymore.

So I had to cut the psychic cording and ties with the red-haired guy last night. I just couldn’t take that he’s in my head. It’s not that I don’t like him there, but having him there just so drains my energy. Plus, we were getting into some weird kind of control drama with him and I needed to withdraw for my own sanity. I like him a ton, but I don’t want to get caught up in his stuff, his way of being.

I kind of feel bad that I did it, and I have to keep doing it because I can feel red-haired guy trying to rechord, reattach to me. It feels on some level that I’m betraying him, but I just can’t have my energy, my emotions so caught up with him. I need my space; I need my psychic and mental space back. I like this guy so much, and I don’t want to get to the point where I start to resent and hate him because he’s too much into my space. I’m starting to feel suffocated, resentful, and controlled. And besides that, he’s zapping whatever energy I have left at the end of my work day that I need for my writing. I need a lot of mental and psychic energy to write, and I don’t need someone draining it all away.

I feel like Virginia Woolf’s character, Mrs. Dalloway. I don’t want to be with someone who smothers me emotionally, and most of all psychically. Red-haired guy is so emotional, and he has a very strong dominating mind. It would be so easy for me to lose my self, my personality in him, and I just don’t want to do that. Because once I get lost, I have to get out and I really like this guy and right now I’d like him to be in my life for a long time.

Even as I write this, it all sounds so new-agey woowoo and weird. I just don’t know how to explain it any other way. I would never tell red-haired guy any of this because he’d probably freak out. But he did tell me himself that when he travels for business, he doesn’t like to stay in his hotel room because he doesn’t like the vibes in the room that are left by the other people who’ve stayed there. Still, it all sounds so delusional somehow.

My friend Amy would get exactly what I’m talking about, and it’s times like these I wish she was still alive so I could have someone to commiserate with me.

So I'm thinking it would be fun to get a business license and set up a sole proprietorship business for my writing, so I have the feeling that my writing is a real business. So I'm there researching setting up my own business and it all feels so cool and groovy, until I get to the part that talks about marriage.

Because of many states' community property law, California included, my writing business would be considered community property by my husband and he would be considered a joint owner of my business. I don't like this.

We're talking intellectual property rights here, meaning mine. Why should my husband be entitled to half my intellectual property, which is like half my brain, half my imagination, half my creative process. It just doesn't sound fair! There's got to be some new laws about intellectual property and community joint property.

I've signed a ton of intellectual property rights contracts in my working career, so intellectual property rights law you would think should be pretty extensive. What is the business sense in having a spouse co-owner of the other's spouse's intellectual property? It's not like he's there when you make the stuff up in your head, and he might not even help edit your writing anyway.

There's got to be a way to set up a business as a sole owner, without the business being subject to community property laws. Money and love so do not mix well.

So I broke down and bought some Bruce Springstein cds. The music club I belong to was offering "Essential Bruce Springstein" on sale, so I got that. But it didn't have one of my favourite Springstein song "Meeting Across the River" on the "Born to Run" cd so I bought that. Then I thought, I should also pick up "Tunnel of Love" because it's my favourite Springstein cd.

I kind of like the song "Jersey Girl" too. I love the line "leave the kid with your mother tonight". Oh well, maybe next time.

I went with some friends to a picnic in Golden Gate Park, and we drove around in my friend's Audi A4 Cabriolet convertible. Wow, what a cool car to tool around the city in. I don't normally like convertibles, but her Audi A4 was so hot. It was sporty, and she had red leather seats installed and I was so in love with her car.

What a dreamy car! It's totally impractical for San Francisco city living, but she lives down the peninsula so for her it's a great car. She's always owned a convertible, and this is her third one.

I went to visit a friend in Oakland, and all day long all I wanted to hear was REM's "Losing my Religion". So now I have "Out of Time" on, which has my favourite REM song "Shiny Happy People". Not sure why I wanted to hear an REM song all day though.

My brother called me tonight, and he is just the greatest and sweetest brother a girl could have. His birthday is on Tuesday, and he's sending me some Hawaiiana stuff for my kitchen because he knows I'm collecting that kind of stuff. He was the sweetest kid as a child, and he hasn't lost any of his sweetness.

He started his own appraissal business, and thank god he is making money. I was worried that he wasn't going to be able to make the business work. Him and his antiques though. He said he just bought a $1,200 antique bed that reaches to the ceiling, like a king's bed or something. What a riot!

My friend and I went to the Alameda Point Antiques fair this morning. It was do dang hot in Alameda. I'm not much into antiques, but my brother would have loved it. The first car we saw while pulling into the lot, was a truck loaded with a pile of furniture. You can buy a ton of old stuff at this place. One guy was just selling old telephones.

I don't know. I really still like very new functional furniture, although some of the better and more expensive pieces of antique furniture has the kind of work you just can't find anymore. I think the best thing to get there was old painting, and maybe old jewelry from the flapper era. It was hard to tell though, because after an hour I was on sensory overload, and just was barely taking everything in. Plus it was so darn hot, that it was hard to concentrate.

The antiques fair is only once a month, and I think I want to go again. My friend had never been and neither had I, so we just wanted to look at everything and get a feel for prices and to see what people were selling. It was much for fun that Ebay because you could actually see the stuff you were purchasing. I did see a nice print from the Meiji era, but I saw better prints at the Asian Art Antiques dealers show last year.

I think if you know what you want and what to look for, you can find good deals. The whole thing reminded me of "Th Antiques Road Show". I used to be so addicted to watching that show, I had wean myself off. I just was so fascinated by the stories the dealers had about all the pieces. The history was more interesting than the pieces themselves.

So I did it, and my stupid cell phone kept cutting out on me so I had to call him twice. And didn't want to call from my building, so I went outside between the buildings and it was noisy and people were walking by listening to me.

Whatever. I'm glad it's over. It wasn't too bad. I told him I wrote it out all out and I was going to be reading off what I'd written, although I did ad lib here and there. And hopefully the blackberry voicemail picked it all up. And just in case he wants to read it, I can email or print it out for him.

Telling someone you love them is hard. Writing it out so it sounds half way decent but still sounds like the way you would normally talk is much more difficult. I don't know if there's a way to make love not sound mushy and romantic.

I have no idea how red-haired guy is going to react to my birthday/love message. It might be freak him out enough to end it with me forever, and that's a scenario that I can't stop from playing in my head. But you know, he said he loved me first. So he started this whole love thing, not me. I'm just following his lead.

Wow, I am so nervous about telling the red-haired guy I love him. Talk about going out and jumping off a bridge without a safety net or harness. I have no idea how my little revelation will land. I want to chicken out and not do it, but I know I would so regret it if I didn't tell him.

I asked a guy to marry me once in college, just to do it, and of course I got turned down but I was kind of expecting that. I have no idea now why I even wanted to marry the guy now, but I'm sure it was part I really like this guy and part wouldn't it be cool to ask a guy to marry me just to do it once with no consequences.

So it's not like I'm asking red-haired guy to marry me. I'm just going to tell him I totally love and adore him. I mean, I'm not asking for asking for commitment here. I'm just stating to him a plain and simple fact. So why am I so freaked out?

So I've been excited all week and looking forward to telling my red-haired guy that I love him on his birthday. And I'm like so nervous, that I actually I typed up what I wanted to say so I don't forget. I'm hoping to get his voicemail on his blackberry, so I can just leave it as a voicemail and not have to say it in person. What I wrote is like so gushy and romantic, and so not like me.

Whatever happens with this guy, and I honestly don't know where my relationship with him is going right now, is going to be great. He is definitely god's gift me to me and even if we were to break up tomorrow, it will have been totally worth it. He's just taught me so much about myself, about love and about life, it's all been pretty darn amazing so far. And it just makes me so happy having him in life right now.

Sadly, what I feel for my red-haired guy puts into perspective all the other times I thought I was in love. And nothing, I mean nothing compares to this. It's just so wild, and so great and so fun.

I think I am so over my job and kind of really dislike it here, because I had to make a comment about the Zel Miller speech in a department meeting especially when one of my cube mates said it was an awful speech. I’m sure I made some enemies with that statement. And I don't really care either. Then the person who made the comment about the awful Zel speech wanted the whole group to go to the lunch, and I decided not to go. I was sure I was going to get cornered on that statement and I didn't want to deal with it. I've been such a bad corporate citizen today.

Some people just take politics so personally. You can’t have a discussion about which political tactics work or not. I don't really like this person anyway, and she's so arrogant about her politics that I just wanted to take her down a bit. Mean, huh? What's ironic is that she was right about the Zel Miller speech.

Of course, the Zel Miller speech was awful. Of course the guy totally twisted the truth about John Kerry’s voting record to make a dramatic point. But that’s not the point. The point is the democrats didn’t have a “Zel Miller” type at their convention, and that was a huge mistake. I don’t know why either, because the media keeps saying that moderate republicans aren’t going to vote for the Shrubmeister. If this is true, why couldn’t the DNC have trotted one out at their convention? Talk about a tactical error on the DNC’s part.

Which brings me to the second point. There wasn’t a rallying the base/red meat speaker at the democratic convention, who has street cred. And no, the Al Sharpton speech doesn’t count because that guy is totally scary.

The saddest thing about the whole Zel Miller incident is that Georgia was the last democratic stronghold in the south, and we now have confirmation that the south has gone totally red and republican. What the heck happened to the south? At one time the south was totally democrat region, and now well, it’s just not.

Of course the funniest thing about the Zel Miller incident was watching him and Chris Matthews get into a nasty verbal fight afterwards, and Matthews like totally freaking out because Miller totally let him have it. Poor Chris … I think the guy was in total shock because he finally met his match, someone who could argue with him toe for toe and then some. Chris usually manages to shout his interviewees down or browbeat them to death. Not Zel Miller though. The old guy was still on fire with that fire and brimstone speech he gave. Go Zel!

You know what the worst thing about not having an office anymore and going back to the cube farm life? You’re forced to listen to your cube mates’ stupid political opinions. It makes me wonder if people use their brain for something other than stuffing food into their faces and going to the bathroom.

Despite what anyone thinks about the content of Zel Miller’s speech at the Republican National Convention, as a peace of political gamemanship the speech was tactically brilliant. Miller’s speech was designed for one purpose and one purpose only, to energize the GOP base. If it scared some people sitting on the fence about the election, then fine. There are very few people sitting in the middle at this point anyway. With less than 70 days before the election, it’s all about getting the troops on the ground excited for the battle ahead. And as someone on Chris Matthew’s Hardball coverage said last night, the GOP are street fighters and have the best troops on the ground willing to fight for their four more years.

They showed their strength with the Florida election debacle in 2000, with Gore’s people not knowing what the heck was really going on with Florida. I have friends that went down from DC to Florida to help count the vote, and they told me horror stories about disorganized the democratic party was down there.

Chris Matthew’s favourite quote is “elections are always local”. And you know what he’s right. It’s about which party has the muscle to get people out there on knock on every door, in every single precinct across the country to get out the vote. With the demos fighting with the greens and independents for their base in every local election across the country, they just don’t have the troops to do it. The democratic party is fractured at the local level. And it’s at the local level that elections are won and lost, because elections are won and lost one vote/one person at a time.

I just have to take at my own city’s politics to see the weakness of the democratic party. I look at New York City where one of out of every five people are democratics, with their republican mayor. And you know what, I hate that I’m a political realist because I can see the future and I don’t really like what I see.

My acting past is coming back to haunt me. I found the following advice about screenwriting on a new website.

Hal Ackerman:
Bob, the most important thing to think about in scene writing (and incidentally my book, Write Screenplays That Sell: The Ackerman Way, is broken down into 2 sections, The Big Picture, which is about the telling of the story and The Small Picture, which is about scene writing) is that there is one purpose for every scene that we write, and that purpose is not what you think it is -
it's not for the characters to say stuff that you want them to say.
It is to create an arena for the character or character to do everything
that they can to get what they want in that moment.
I call it the WADOOGEE:
And it means:
- WHAT do the characters want?
- What do they DO?
- To GET it?

I call this the character objective, and when the 2 characters in the scene have opposing objectives, then what is created is the life blood of every scene, which is conflict. Think about 2 coyotes and one bone.

This is right out of my actor training, when I could I hear my director who used to teach at ACT screaming at me "what does your character want and what are they prepared to do to get it?" It's like neo-marxism all over again, thinking every damn scene in a play is about the conflict between one person wanting one thing and the other person wanting the exact opposite thing.

And I don't I ever got this concept in acting because the whole time I kept thinking, why does life always have to be about conflict? Why can't two characters want the same thing? And why can't they agree to disagree if they don't?

So I’m kind of mad at my boss right now. We sent a big mailing out to our clients verifying some data and telling them they had until September 2 to notify us if our records were incorrect. My boss’ name was on the letter as the contact, but then she decides on Monday that she’s going take vacation starting today September 1.

I mean, did she not even think our clients wouldn’t find it a little weird that the main contact person on the letter is out of the office two days before the deadline? But I guess my boss had it all figured out because she called me this morning and said I’m not calling all these people on my vacation, and I want you to respond to them.

Who looks kind of unprofessional here, me or her?