I finally got around to viewing the "What the bleep?" movie, and it wasn't at all what I expected. I had first heard about the movie in an seminar given by a writing agent from New York last year. Someone in the seminar brought it up and said it was like some Ramtha movie. I am so not into the whole JZ Knight and the being she channels named Ramtha. I mean, who the heck wants to hear the rantings of some being who claims to be from Atlantis? I looked up the website for JZ Knight and Ramtha and so did not get a good feeling about the Ramtha being. But I am biased and do not get great feelings about anything having to do with Atlantis anyway. Those people destroyed their own world by their greed, and I do not think they are the idyllic paradise that everyone in the New Age movement makes the place out to be.
But the movie wasn't about Ramtha at all. It was all about quantum physics and how quantum physics is starting to explain spiritual experiences. I heard someone say in an interview a very long time ago that the science that once rejected God and spiritual experiences will in the future lead us back to God and spiritual experiences, or something like that.
Ramtha was talking in the movie yes, but so were all these other scientists and doctors with serious knowledge of the human body and quantum physics. I wished that person in the seminar hadn't said it was a Ramtha movie, because after researching Ramtha I did not want to see the movie. Now I wish I had because the movie really does make a ton of sense and explains to me so many things that I've been interested in and researching since I was 13 years old. The movie connected so many dots before me, and Ramtha was like this disembodied voice speaking and not really making much sense compared to the scientists and doctors.
Now I'm in Dr. Emoto and his messages with water. I want to read the book and check it out. My friend K and I saw the book at the japanese spa we went to two years ago for my birthday. The guy is totally cool and very interesting and I love the crystals that the water forms after you expose it to words like love and thank you.
Monday, March 20, 2006
I'm sitting in this device called a Vesica Pisces symbol which is supposed to be a doorway or portal between worlds, and which also symbolizes the intersection between the heaven and the material plane. You can make it yourself and sit in it to relieve stress, so this aritcle says, and to have strange visions.
Who knows if all of this is true, but yesterday I visited the Pleiades cluster in the constellation of Taurus and saw one of their planets. It was a strange desert planet with two suns and two moons. I also visited one of the planets in the Andromedan Galaxy, which was so lush and beautiful. The planet looked alot like earth, only lusher and greener.
I also have my pyramid on my head and took some of my Shamir. For the last couple of hours, I've been hearing my elfgirl character speaking in my head. This is the story she wants to tell.
*********************
If you want to know the real truth of how the world began and then was reborn, you cannot ask someone who can only take you back to Atlantis. Atlantis was the land of those fragile human hybrids and that Enlil and Enki made. Their magic was nothing compared to what was in Lemuria, but Atlantis is all current humankind knows and so they worship as if it was magical place. But perhaps they can be forgiven for Atlantis is all they know of as their memories do not go back that far. Those degenerate humans were not even one of the original root races. There were other humans before them, stronger and taller with all of their 12-strand DNA intact. The hybrid humans that Enlil and Enki made were given only 2-strand DNA, easier to control they said and not so rebellious.
Father and my uncle Shankul had first seen the visions which predicted the ending of our world. We did not know it at the time for they only revealed that far into the distant future one person would come first at the turning of the first millineum and then again later after the turning of the second millenium in the history of the hybrid humans who would restore the seven root races to their rightful place on earth. For in the future, my father and uncle had seen no elves, no fairies, no dwarvs, no merpeople, and if there were devas and angels there were hidden and only revealed themselves when needed by the new humans.
We had laughed back then. Imagining a world without the seven root races was unthinkable. We had lived on the planet for centuries, peacefully for the most part. But then the star visitors came from the Pleiadian cluster they said, and with them their brethren from the Andromedan galaxy. No one saw them as a threat. We had had other visitors from other planets before, though none of the root races had any wish to travel off our own planet. The visitors from the distant stars had always been peaceful, always bringing new plant species and animals and new devices for the root races to try. Some of their teachers even settled on our planet and taught in the many schools for the star visitors often had powers none of us had ever seen.
But the Pleiadians were different as were the Andromedans, although we did not know it at first. It was only later when the enslavements started did we come to know their true natures. Until their arrival, slavery was an unheard of concept. Who would want to own another creature and take away their free will? Such an idea was horrifying and would surely lead to war with the people that one was attempting to enslave. Why even attempt it? But we were not to know then that the star visitors that had come the Pleiades and the Andromedan galaxy were the dark lords, banished from their land for their greed and for their evil. There would be other Pleiadian and Andromedans who would come later to the planet, to try to undo much of their outcasts had bulit, lords of light and peace, a people much like the seven root races. But the evils that the star dark lords and their accomplices Enlil and Enki unfurled would be hard to check, hard to hold back, hard to root out.
The memories come back but they are in pieces, fractured and dreamlike. I was but a young girl back then, about to embark on my schooling. It was the visions that should have warned us. The visions that my uncle Shankul had, and then my father, and which eventually spread among the populace. Even I was not immune to them although I never took them seriously for there too fantastical.
In your world. the turning of the second millenium has come and cosmic stargates are opening. New children are coming into the world who have been sent to try to restore order to the planet. The frequences are shifting and shift daily, and as my father had seen in the visions and which my uncle would later prophesize, at the end of the third month in the sixth year after the turn of the second millenium, the frequencies will open and the veils between the worlds will thin. Those that have chosen to follow the One will be spared, and those that have aligned themselves with the darkness of their forefathers, the ancestors of Enlil and Enki and their Pleiadian and Andromedan dark lords and the triumverate of evil which is again trying to reassert its presence of the planet will be doomed.
My uncle always said that one must always choose between the light and darkness. There is no middle ground. The darkness will always choose to extinguish the light, and the light will always try to light the darkness. So one must choose and choose wisely at every moment.
************************************
Who knows if all of this is true, but yesterday I visited the Pleiades cluster in the constellation of Taurus and saw one of their planets. It was a strange desert planet with two suns and two moons. I also visited one of the planets in the Andromedan Galaxy, which was so lush and beautiful. The planet looked alot like earth, only lusher and greener.
I also have my pyramid on my head and took some of my Shamir. For the last couple of hours, I've been hearing my elfgirl character speaking in my head. This is the story she wants to tell.
*********************
If you want to know the real truth of how the world began and then was reborn, you cannot ask someone who can only take you back to Atlantis. Atlantis was the land of those fragile human hybrids and that Enlil and Enki made. Their magic was nothing compared to what was in Lemuria, but Atlantis is all current humankind knows and so they worship as if it was magical place. But perhaps they can be forgiven for Atlantis is all they know of as their memories do not go back that far. Those degenerate humans were not even one of the original root races. There were other humans before them, stronger and taller with all of their 12-strand DNA intact. The hybrid humans that Enlil and Enki made were given only 2-strand DNA, easier to control they said and not so rebellious.
Father and my uncle Shankul had first seen the visions which predicted the ending of our world. We did not know it at the time for they only revealed that far into the distant future one person would come first at the turning of the first millineum and then again later after the turning of the second millenium in the history of the hybrid humans who would restore the seven root races to their rightful place on earth. For in the future, my father and uncle had seen no elves, no fairies, no dwarvs, no merpeople, and if there were devas and angels there were hidden and only revealed themselves when needed by the new humans.
We had laughed back then. Imagining a world without the seven root races was unthinkable. We had lived on the planet for centuries, peacefully for the most part. But then the star visitors came from the Pleiadian cluster they said, and with them their brethren from the Andromedan galaxy. No one saw them as a threat. We had had other visitors from other planets before, though none of the root races had any wish to travel off our own planet. The visitors from the distant stars had always been peaceful, always bringing new plant species and animals and new devices for the root races to try. Some of their teachers even settled on our planet and taught in the many schools for the star visitors often had powers none of us had ever seen.
But the Pleiadians were different as were the Andromedans, although we did not know it at first. It was only later when the enslavements started did we come to know their true natures. Until their arrival, slavery was an unheard of concept. Who would want to own another creature and take away their free will? Such an idea was horrifying and would surely lead to war with the people that one was attempting to enslave. Why even attempt it? But we were not to know then that the star visitors that had come the Pleiades and the Andromedan galaxy were the dark lords, banished from their land for their greed and for their evil. There would be other Pleiadian and Andromedans who would come later to the planet, to try to undo much of their outcasts had bulit, lords of light and peace, a people much like the seven root races. But the evils that the star dark lords and their accomplices Enlil and Enki unfurled would be hard to check, hard to hold back, hard to root out.
The memories come back but they are in pieces, fractured and dreamlike. I was but a young girl back then, about to embark on my schooling. It was the visions that should have warned us. The visions that my uncle Shankul had, and then my father, and which eventually spread among the populace. Even I was not immune to them although I never took them seriously for there too fantastical.
In your world. the turning of the second millenium has come and cosmic stargates are opening. New children are coming into the world who have been sent to try to restore order to the planet. The frequences are shifting and shift daily, and as my father had seen in the visions and which my uncle would later prophesize, at the end of the third month in the sixth year after the turn of the second millenium, the frequencies will open and the veils between the worlds will thin. Those that have chosen to follow the One will be spared, and those that have aligned themselves with the darkness of their forefathers, the ancestors of Enlil and Enki and their Pleiadian and Andromedan dark lords and the triumverate of evil which is again trying to reassert its presence of the planet will be doomed.
My uncle always said that one must always choose between the light and darkness. There is no middle ground. The darkness will always choose to extinguish the light, and the light will always try to light the darkness. So one must choose and choose wisely at every moment.
************************************
I think I used to have ADD or ADHD when I was a kid, one of the two or both. But I had it back in the day when no one really knew what ADD/ADHD was and the only way to treat it was to banish kids out of class. I spent most of my first grade outside of class for bad behavior, not paying attention, telling my teacher I was bored, and then to add insult to injury I constantly argued with her that cats did not sound how we were reading them in books. What a freaky six-year I was arguing with my first grade teacher who was probably in her 40's or 50's. My mother told me I did the same thing in kindergarten teacher because I refused to take a nap and I constantly argued with my teacher when she said things that didn't make sense. Those poor ladies told my mother I had a learning disability and was very SLOW.
But I don't care because I had my revenge on both of them even though I know they meant well when they told my mother I was STUPID and SLOW! By fourth grade I was tested as a having a 9th grade reading level.
But having ADD/ADHD means that I have issues about time and clutter to this day. I found the following in an email about children with ADD which so explains certain things about myself. I get a ton of stuff done, heck I've run the NYC marathon three times and finished c0llege for god's sake, but I feel like ADD/ADHD child personality coming out when it comes to writing and sometimes to housework and cleaning up. My third grade teacher, I was age 8 then so I think it' third grade, made the class keep a journal that we had to turn in. That year we also wrote stories, printed them ourselves on nice paper, and then illustrated them. Afterwards, all of our mini books were donated to the school library so other kids could check them out and read them.
I forgot I was self-published at age 8. How funny is that! I wanted to be a writer at age 8 because of I thought it was so cool to have other people read my stories. I mean, it makes sense doesn't it, that my writing self is an ADD/ADHD child since I got the writing bug at that age. My third grade teacher told me I was a great writer, and encouraged me to pursue it, but I think she said to that everyone in the class. I mean, what else would have been the whole point of the exercise if not to encourage the whole class to become writers. Reading these tips for ADD/ADHD kids makes me think I should apply them to my young ADD/ADHD writing self, because she is in serious rebellion right now and refuses to write.
Recommended many practical approaches that you can do at home to help your ADD/ADHD child
A Home Work Binder – ADD/ADHD children need all of their information in one central location, so they only have to keep trackof one item. Put several spiral notebooks in a binder, (one for each subject at school) and staple a large envelopeto the front of each spiral. All homework gets put in the envelopes,and only taken out to work on or turn in. All written info for the class, including homework assignments, is kept in the correct spiral, and is not removed unless turning in. Pencils and other supplies need to be kept filled in a pencil bag in the binder.
Home Calendar – ADD/ADHD children need one location at home to check for assignments, appointments, holidays, chores, etc. Place one large calendar in a central location in the house where your child can check their schedule. (this is why Palms and their knockoffs were invented and yes I have one).
Organized Bedroom – in Baby Steps!! It is overwhelming to an ADD/ADHD child to have to clean aroom all at once. It needs to be broken down in small steps, so a child can see the light at the end of the tunnel. (this really applies to novels)
Minimizing – Find out what your ADD/ADHD child palys with , and then get rid of everything else! ADD/ADHD children cannot function in chaos. Chaos breeds chaos, and their minds need peace to help themfocus. Go through all the toys, closets, etc, and get rid of as much as possible. This will also make it easier for your child to keep a clean room.
Daily Schedule – Writie down a schedule for your ADD/ADHD child, and having the child refer to it during the day. When to take medicine,when to do homework, etc. and post it near the calendar to help your child remember what comes next. (Routines work!!!!)
But I don't care because I had my revenge on both of them even though I know they meant well when they told my mother I was STUPID and SLOW! By fourth grade I was tested as a having a 9th grade reading level.
But having ADD/ADHD means that I have issues about time and clutter to this day. I found the following in an email about children with ADD which so explains certain things about myself. I get a ton of stuff done, heck I've run the NYC marathon three times and finished c0llege for god's sake, but I feel like ADD/ADHD child personality coming out when it comes to writing and sometimes to housework and cleaning up. My third grade teacher, I was age 8 then so I think it' third grade, made the class keep a journal that we had to turn in. That year we also wrote stories, printed them ourselves on nice paper, and then illustrated them. Afterwards, all of our mini books were donated to the school library so other kids could check them out and read them.
I forgot I was self-published at age 8. How funny is that! I wanted to be a writer at age 8 because of I thought it was so cool to have other people read my stories. I mean, it makes sense doesn't it, that my writing self is an ADD/ADHD child since I got the writing bug at that age. My third grade teacher told me I was a great writer, and encouraged me to pursue it, but I think she said to that everyone in the class. I mean, what else would have been the whole point of the exercise if not to encourage the whole class to become writers. Reading these tips for ADD/ADHD kids makes me think I should apply them to my young ADD/ADHD writing self, because she is in serious rebellion right now and refuses to write.
Recommended many practical approaches that you can do at home to help your ADD/ADHD child
A Home Work Binder – ADD/ADHD children need all of their information in one central location, so they only have to keep trackof one item. Put several spiral notebooks in a binder, (one for each subject at school) and staple a large envelopeto the front of each spiral. All homework gets put in the envelopes,and only taken out to work on or turn in. All written info for the class, including homework assignments, is kept in the correct spiral, and is not removed unless turning in. Pencils and other supplies need to be kept filled in a pencil bag in the binder.
Home Calendar – ADD/ADHD children need one location at home to check for assignments, appointments, holidays, chores, etc. Place one large calendar in a central location in the house where your child can check their schedule. (this is why Palms and their knockoffs were invented and yes I have one).
Organized Bedroom – in Baby Steps!! It is overwhelming to an ADD/ADHD child to have to clean aroom all at once. It needs to be broken down in small steps, so a child can see the light at the end of the tunnel. (this really applies to novels)
Minimizing – Find out what your ADD/ADHD child palys with , and then get rid of everything else! ADD/ADHD children cannot function in chaos. Chaos breeds chaos, and their minds need peace to help themfocus. Go through all the toys, closets, etc, and get rid of as much as possible. This will also make it easier for your child to keep a clean room.
Daily Schedule – Writie down a schedule for your ADD/ADHD child, and having the child refer to it during the day. When to take medicine,when to do homework, etc. and post it near the calendar to help your child remember what comes next. (Routines work!!!!)
I started reading Nicholas Sparks' "Message in a Bottle" this morning. Yes, I know, the man is a like such a sappy happy writer, but I love his books. They are easy to read on the train, very engaging, and reading it is like watching a soap opera. The guy is like a male Danielle Steel, and I used to have such a thing for her books.
I read "A Walk to Remember" and I was surprised how good the book was compared to the very boring movie. I never fall asleep during a movie, but I fell asleep several times to the movie version of the this book. I liked the book and how he wrote it in first person so much, that I bought it used at a bookstore so I could use it for reference as I write my novels in first person.
And no, I will not rent the movie but instead wait for it to come on TV. I don't want to be disappointed by another bad Nicholas Sparks movie adaptation.
I read "A Walk to Remember" and I was surprised how good the book was compared to the very boring movie. I never fall asleep during a movie, but I fell asleep several times to the movie version of the this book. I liked the book and how he wrote it in first person so much, that I bought it used at a bookstore so I could use it for reference as I write my novels in first person.
And no, I will not rent the movie but instead wait for it to come on TV. I don't want to be disappointed by another bad Nicholas Sparks movie adaptation.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
I have screenwriting seminar tomorrow and I haven't done a bit of writing. Breakups are bad for my writing muse. All she wants to do is moon about and long the lost of her love. Still it must have that been that bad of a breakup because my kineseologist whom I saw today, said that he noted that my immune system was working quite well which meant to him that I was not experiencing much stress or emotional trauma. So much for the trauma of a breakup with a man I was prepared to move to Lala land for.
So I am comforting myself by watching A&E's "Pride and Prejudice" on DVD which I just purchased today at Costco for $16.99. It was such a good deal that I had to purchase it. I videotaped it but the DVD unlike my videotapes have no commercials.
I am also being quite domestic and cooking some corned beef and cabbage in honour of St. Patrick's Day. I had the dish for lunch at Max's yesterday which I thoroughly enjoyed and since I love the dish, I decided to make it myself so I could eat it my fill. There is something very yummy about salty boiled meat and veggies. It's such a hardy dish.
But I supposed I should write something to take into my seminar, even though I am so over screenwriting and want to concentrate on writing novels instead. I think this is the last class and I will not be renewing. I really like this screenwriting group; they are such nice people. Two people in my group have their screenplays circulating around Hollywood right now.
One of the screenplays is a horror movie and the other one is I believe the female version of "Brokeback Mountain, which I understand Hollywood producers are hot on the trail of.
I did make notes to rewrite the beginning of my screenplay, and I suppose I could write a few pages to take to my seminar tomorrow.
I'm not a very good writer I dare say right now, even though I have been doing freewrites.
So I am comforting myself by watching A&E's "Pride and Prejudice" on DVD which I just purchased today at Costco for $16.99. It was such a good deal that I had to purchase it. I videotaped it but the DVD unlike my videotapes have no commercials.
I am also being quite domestic and cooking some corned beef and cabbage in honour of St. Patrick's Day. I had the dish for lunch at Max's yesterday which I thoroughly enjoyed and since I love the dish, I decided to make it myself so I could eat it my fill. There is something very yummy about salty boiled meat and veggies. It's such a hardy dish.
But I supposed I should write something to take into my seminar, even though I am so over screenwriting and want to concentrate on writing novels instead. I think this is the last class and I will not be renewing. I really like this screenwriting group; they are such nice people. Two people in my group have their screenplays circulating around Hollywood right now.
One of the screenplays is a horror movie and the other one is I believe the female version of "Brokeback Mountain, which I understand Hollywood producers are hot on the trail of.
I did make notes to rewrite the beginning of my screenplay, and I suppose I could write a few pages to take to my seminar tomorrow.
I'm not a very good writer I dare say right now, even though I have been doing freewrites.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
I love having money! I know that sound awful, but it's true! I just paid off my trip to Hawaii and a store credit card that I used to purchase my whole new wardrboe last year, and YES, it feels so good!
Of course, my fantasy is that one day I'll be able to pay cash for stuff like a vacation and that cash will come from the money I earn from publishing and selling my stories. That day will come soon, but until then I'll pay my bills over time like everyone else in America.
Of course, my fantasy is that one day I'll be able to pay cash for stuff like a vacation and that cash will come from the money I earn from publishing and selling my stories. That day will come soon, but until then I'll pay my bills over time like everyone else in America.
Monday, March 13, 2006
I am happy with myself. This is my third day of doing timed freewrites. I have not written three days in a row in a long time. I even have the goal of finishing the last chapter of my Texas novel this week so I can say "I completed a novel, yeah me!"
Tonight's freewrite started with "I remember" but this time a character came through. Some kind of science fiction character talking about meeting alien invaders for the first time as a young girl in her father's court. The alien invaders were all beautiful men, strong and dressed in white jumpsuits with silver capes. They had silver hair, and they had the power to read thoughts. Once an alien invader reads the thoughts of a human, they are then able to tune into the mind of that particular person and once they tune in they can control their body reactions and functions. It's not quite mind control, but the aliens are able to manipulate body reactions. It's kind of cool because the manipulation of body reactions can make a person think they are experiencing a certain emotion, when in fact they might not be. I like it because it's creepy and interesting at the same time.
Think about it. If you see a person and have an excited reaction, wouldn't you kind of think you were attracted and lusting after the person. What if that weren't true? What if the body reactions you were experiencing were being manipulated by an outside force? It's not exactly mind control because they're not taking over your mind They're just manipulating your body's response to stimulus to suit their own ends. And how would you catch them? How many people know their own mind and body well enough to know when the two are not feeling and thinking the same thing? Very few I think. Of course, someone will catch on eventually. But by then it will be too late.
Tonight's freewrite started with "I remember" but this time a character came through. Some kind of science fiction character talking about meeting alien invaders for the first time as a young girl in her father's court. The alien invaders were all beautiful men, strong and dressed in white jumpsuits with silver capes. They had silver hair, and they had the power to read thoughts. Once an alien invader reads the thoughts of a human, they are then able to tune into the mind of that particular person and once they tune in they can control their body reactions and functions. It's not quite mind control, but the aliens are able to manipulate body reactions. It's kind of cool because the manipulation of body reactions can make a person think they are experiencing a certain emotion, when in fact they might not be. I like it because it's creepy and interesting at the same time.
Think about it. If you see a person and have an excited reaction, wouldn't you kind of think you were attracted and lusting after the person. What if that weren't true? What if the body reactions you were experiencing were being manipulated by an outside force? It's not exactly mind control because they're not taking over your mind They're just manipulating your body's response to stimulus to suit their own ends. And how would you catch them? How many people know their own mind and body well enough to know when the two are not feeling and thinking the same thing? Very few I think. Of course, someone will catch on eventually. But by then it will be too late.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Now I'm listening to "Sacred Chants of Shiva from the banks of the Ganges". Shiva the destroyer of the world, who is responsible in the Hindu god pantheon, for change both in the form of death and destruction and in the positive sense of the shedding of old habits. The music makes me want to read the Mahabarata again. I'ts been 15 years since I've read this epic, and I still have my authentic Indian book I bought in NYC.
The sun was out briefly this morning, but now it's raining again. I had a productive morning and already completed a timed freewrite. I am going back to basics with my writing, and doing timed freewrites. I think my writing has become too introspective, too inner directed. When I did first timed freewrite late last night and read it over, I was shocked how seriously lacking in detail my piece was.
Natalie Goldberg is right. Journal writing is not great writing practice. It's good for getting your thoughts out and reflecting on the events of your life, but it's too focused on the self and your own thoughts. Journal writing has been good for me and I have but one regret; that I did not keep my journals from age 8 to 18 years. It would have been fascinating to see what I was writing about during that time period. At least I have my journals from college on, and a file full of all the poetry I wrote in college.
But timed writing is different. When I wrote this morning and trying to get more detailed in my writing, I felt fear coming up. It's the same fear I felt in acting class that I could never get over, and that was being "naked" on stage". When you're on stage, you have to open up, you have to let the world see all of you, see your character in all their gloried humanity and flaws. It was too frightening for me to open up like that, even though I was always playing characters that were never like me. When I took my first acting class in college, I remember thinking that acting was great because I could hide behind a character and let my emotions out. It really wasn't me on stage being watched, it was me being someone else, and I could let my feelings out through my characters. Acting was therapeutic back then.
I should have remembered a friend of mine telling me back then how freaked out how became when he was playing a murderer on stage, because he had to reach inside of himself to find the cruelty necessary to play the character. Once he found it, he realized it had always been there and that bothered him because he had always thought of himself as a kind person.
My first monologue in college was a speech from a Eugene O'Neill play that I fell in love with in junior high. The woman was a morphine addict, and I so related to how she talked and felt. II know I was thinking to myself, I can do this. I know what this feel likes, I've experienced youthful drug addiction; this speech is going to be a piece of cake.
But when I was rehearsing the monologue my acting teacher Sandy kept telling me I wasn't reaching far enough inside, i wasn't relating enough to how my character felt. My speech was when she was high on morphine and talking to one of her sons. Sandy kept saying I wasn't achieving the distance from reality that a drug takes a person, and I kept thinking to myself but I know how that feels, I experienced it myself, I know how drugs take you away, so far away to a place where you feel safe, where it's only you and the drug and everyone else in your world is at a safe distance where they can't hurt you, they can't touch you, where the hurt and rage you feel inside subsides, is quiet, you know it's still there but the drugs have quieted the demons.
But looking back, Sandy was probably right about me. I couldn't really get that character right because I would have had to go back and experience that distance, which have meant experiencing that hurt and rage all over again and I know I couldn't have done it back then. I was too young, I was still too close to the experience and it had only been a few years since it all happened. Besides, I was still walking around with 4o hits of pharmaceutical speed in my backpack just in case I needed it. I loved that distance, I loved my safe place, but not without the help of my drug to get there and I knew that despite my need to carry my drug, I could never visit that place again because the price of my health I paid for the fare to get there had been far too high and I was unwilling to pay that price again.
When I did a timed writing this morning, it made me cry to remember the details. Remembering the details brought back all the pain, all the hurt, all the rage. They god is the details, but the hurt and pain are also there and writing about them makes it all come back in real time. And in my writing I couldn't slow down. I kept trying to, to remember details but with details come pain and memories. Screw "show don't tell"! Showing means reliving again and again. Telling is better, telling achieves distance without the necessary drugs.
But I have to able to show, I have to be able to write details, and so somehow I must get through this wall that I could never get through in my acting, and that I only very rarely get through in my writing. Maybe mining my own memories doesn't work for me. Maybe I need to get through to the memories with a character like in acting. Characters are not me, they are a fictional me. I can make them stronger, I can give give them strength I know I don't have. They can mine my life for details that they can transform as details in their own world. I know my writing works best for me when I write as a completely different character and my character is telling their story, which is sort of my story only transformed into their fictional world.
There's a line from the USA series "Witchblade" that I like, "in your world, parallel lines always meet".
From Natalie Goldberg's book, "Wild Mind" when she was talking to a friend about how writing is an addiciton and the friend told her, "No, Natalie, an addiction diminishes you. You have not been diminished by writing. It is your passion."
And then she writes later on in the book about Linda Leonard, who was writing a new book about creativity and addiction.
"....both the artist and the alcoholic have parrallet paths. They both go into the darkness, but the alcoholic gets stuck there. The artists (if he/she is alos not addicted) goes into the darkness and is transformed by the experience and comes out more alive. I picture the artist as someone deep-sea diving, holding her breath and bursting out of the water into the air six minutes later, one hundred feet from where she begain, with sun catching the water spray. The alcoholic dives down and gets caught in the sludge or is mesmerized by the underwater world and drowns. The good thing is the artist can move through the experience, learn from the experience, and not be caught by it. Writing and reading can give us."
In my world, I hope parallel lines do meet to create heart-breaking stories.
The sun was out briefly this morning, but now it's raining again. I had a productive morning and already completed a timed freewrite. I am going back to basics with my writing, and doing timed freewrites. I think my writing has become too introspective, too inner directed. When I did first timed freewrite late last night and read it over, I was shocked how seriously lacking in detail my piece was.
Natalie Goldberg is right. Journal writing is not great writing practice. It's good for getting your thoughts out and reflecting on the events of your life, but it's too focused on the self and your own thoughts. Journal writing has been good for me and I have but one regret; that I did not keep my journals from age 8 to 18 years. It would have been fascinating to see what I was writing about during that time period. At least I have my journals from college on, and a file full of all the poetry I wrote in college.
But timed writing is different. When I wrote this morning and trying to get more detailed in my writing, I felt fear coming up. It's the same fear I felt in acting class that I could never get over, and that was being "naked" on stage". When you're on stage, you have to open up, you have to let the world see all of you, see your character in all their gloried humanity and flaws. It was too frightening for me to open up like that, even though I was always playing characters that were never like me. When I took my first acting class in college, I remember thinking that acting was great because I could hide behind a character and let my emotions out. It really wasn't me on stage being watched, it was me being someone else, and I could let my feelings out through my characters. Acting was therapeutic back then.
I should have remembered a friend of mine telling me back then how freaked out how became when he was playing a murderer on stage, because he had to reach inside of himself to find the cruelty necessary to play the character. Once he found it, he realized it had always been there and that bothered him because he had always thought of himself as a kind person.
My first monologue in college was a speech from a Eugene O'Neill play that I fell in love with in junior high. The woman was a morphine addict, and I so related to how she talked and felt. II know I was thinking to myself, I can do this. I know what this feel likes, I've experienced youthful drug addiction; this speech is going to be a piece of cake.
But when I was rehearsing the monologue my acting teacher Sandy kept telling me I wasn't reaching far enough inside, i wasn't relating enough to how my character felt. My speech was when she was high on morphine and talking to one of her sons. Sandy kept saying I wasn't achieving the distance from reality that a drug takes a person, and I kept thinking to myself but I know how that feels, I experienced it myself, I know how drugs take you away, so far away to a place where you feel safe, where it's only you and the drug and everyone else in your world is at a safe distance where they can't hurt you, they can't touch you, where the hurt and rage you feel inside subsides, is quiet, you know it's still there but the drugs have quieted the demons.
But looking back, Sandy was probably right about me. I couldn't really get that character right because I would have had to go back and experience that distance, which have meant experiencing that hurt and rage all over again and I know I couldn't have done it back then. I was too young, I was still too close to the experience and it had only been a few years since it all happened. Besides, I was still walking around with 4o hits of pharmaceutical speed in my backpack just in case I needed it. I loved that distance, I loved my safe place, but not without the help of my drug to get there and I knew that despite my need to carry my drug, I could never visit that place again because the price of my health I paid for the fare to get there had been far too high and I was unwilling to pay that price again.
When I did a timed writing this morning, it made me cry to remember the details. Remembering the details brought back all the pain, all the hurt, all the rage. They god is the details, but the hurt and pain are also there and writing about them makes it all come back in real time. And in my writing I couldn't slow down. I kept trying to, to remember details but with details come pain and memories. Screw "show don't tell"! Showing means reliving again and again. Telling is better, telling achieves distance without the necessary drugs.
But I have to able to show, I have to be able to write details, and so somehow I must get through this wall that I could never get through in my acting, and that I only very rarely get through in my writing. Maybe mining my own memories doesn't work for me. Maybe I need to get through to the memories with a character like in acting. Characters are not me, they are a fictional me. I can make them stronger, I can give give them strength I know I don't have. They can mine my life for details that they can transform as details in their own world. I know my writing works best for me when I write as a completely different character and my character is telling their story, which is sort of my story only transformed into their fictional world.
There's a line from the USA series "Witchblade" that I like, "in your world, parallel lines always meet".
From Natalie Goldberg's book, "Wild Mind" when she was talking to a friend about how writing is an addiciton and the friend told her, "No, Natalie, an addiction diminishes you. You have not been diminished by writing. It is your passion."
And then she writes later on in the book about Linda Leonard, who was writing a new book about creativity and addiction.
"....both the artist and the alcoholic have parrallet paths. They both go into the darkness, but the alcoholic gets stuck there. The artists (if he/she is alos not addicted) goes into the darkness and is transformed by the experience and comes out more alive. I picture the artist as someone deep-sea diving, holding her breath and bursting out of the water into the air six minutes later, one hundred feet from where she begain, with sun catching the water spray. The alcoholic dives down and gets caught in the sludge or is mesmerized by the underwater world and drowns. The good thing is the artist can move through the experience, learn from the experience, and not be caught by it. Writing and reading can give us."
In my world, I hope parallel lines do meet to create heart-breaking stories.
The crows are cawing outside my window, and are making quite a fuss. They only caw like that when something is going to happen in my world.
I am sitting here listening to cd of ancient hawaiian huna chants that I bought at the Monterey Psychic Festival and I dragged my friend K to last April. We went specifically to see a woman I'd heard about from friends. We went to her lecture and afterwards when I told her I had heard about her through friends, she gave me a hug. Sweet huh? My friend K and I have since driven down to Monterey, a good two hour drive, five or six times to take seminars from her in Pacific Grove.
I used to think it was such a big deal to drive two hours to see someone, but having done it now a few timess, it's not such a big deal. It's a long drive but at least you're driving and not just stuck in traffic for an hour or two and not going more than 10 miles.
There was a woman at the Monterey Pyschic Festival wearing a lei on her head. There is a specific name for that kind of lei, but I cannot remember it right now. I stopped at her booth and told her I was born in Hawaii and she started chanting hawaiian huna chants to me. I felt tinglies run up and down my spine during her chanting, and I don't know it was because the chanting was really powerful or it was because hearing hawaiian chants opens the floodgates to my childhood memories.
My hula teacher in 6th grade taught us ancient Hawaiian hula, and not the tourist kind that you see at hotels. This is the kind of hula done mostly sitting on your haunches on the ground and is more ritualistic and tribal. My hula teacher, who grew up on the Big Island, learned it from her mother, who learned it from her mother, and so on. She taught that hula was a sacred rite performed for the ancient hawaiian gods and goddessses at heiaus, and that we were to act like priesteses, devotees, and not shake-your-butt for the tourists hula girls.
It's kind of amazing that I still remember some of her teachings, but I'm sure like any typical 12-year I was thinking what the heck was she talking about. And I was a bad little priestess too, never quite getting anything right. I could never duck walk properly. She always made us duck walk around the room a couple of time, and I could never master the art of duck walking. I still remember her screaming at me because when I moved my hips, my upper body shook. She would clamp her big hands on my shoulders, tell me to bend my knees really low and start moving my hips in a circle. I could feel my scrawny shoulders trying to move under the presssure of her hands, and the eyes of everyone in class watching me. Beads of sweat started forming at the base of my spine and travelled upwards towards my neck as she kept saying over and over again like a chant, "stop moving your shoulders, only your hips should move not your whole upper body." Geez, I was only 12 years old, give me a break.
I'm trying to remember if I was the youngest person in that class. There were other kids there but they were older, and older women that didn't live in our neighborhood. How I got stuck taking an ancient hawaiian hula class instead of the tourist hula that I started learning at age six is a mystery to me. Her daughter and I were in the same grade, so I don't know if I asked to go to the class or if my grandma knew about the class and wanted me to go. My grandparents were strict catholics, not followers of ancient hawaiian ritualistic hula.
The hula I was taught that year is hardly ever performed except at hula festivals in Hawaii. My hula teacher told us that this kind of hula is passed down from female to female only, and you have to be invited to learn it. No wonder it's never seen if the hula is that exclusive. Tourists wouldn't like this kind of hula anyway. It's all this gutteral chanting, and the costumes are not that pretty and the girls never really smile since they're supposed to priestesses. You have to be serious, religious and devoted because "you are offering a prayer to the gods and goddesses".
I am sitting here listening to cd of ancient hawaiian huna chants that I bought at the Monterey Psychic Festival and I dragged my friend K to last April. We went specifically to see a woman I'd heard about from friends. We went to her lecture and afterwards when I told her I had heard about her through friends, she gave me a hug. Sweet huh? My friend K and I have since driven down to Monterey, a good two hour drive, five or six times to take seminars from her in Pacific Grove.
I used to think it was such a big deal to drive two hours to see someone, but having done it now a few timess, it's not such a big deal. It's a long drive but at least you're driving and not just stuck in traffic for an hour or two and not going more than 10 miles.
There was a woman at the Monterey Pyschic Festival wearing a lei on her head. There is a specific name for that kind of lei, but I cannot remember it right now. I stopped at her booth and told her I was born in Hawaii and she started chanting hawaiian huna chants to me. I felt tinglies run up and down my spine during her chanting, and I don't know it was because the chanting was really powerful or it was because hearing hawaiian chants opens the floodgates to my childhood memories.
My hula teacher in 6th grade taught us ancient Hawaiian hula, and not the tourist kind that you see at hotels. This is the kind of hula done mostly sitting on your haunches on the ground and is more ritualistic and tribal. My hula teacher, who grew up on the Big Island, learned it from her mother, who learned it from her mother, and so on. She taught that hula was a sacred rite performed for the ancient hawaiian gods and goddessses at heiaus, and that we were to act like priesteses, devotees, and not shake-your-butt for the tourists hula girls.
It's kind of amazing that I still remember some of her teachings, but I'm sure like any typical 12-year I was thinking what the heck was she talking about. And I was a bad little priestess too, never quite getting anything right. I could never duck walk properly. She always made us duck walk around the room a couple of time, and I could never master the art of duck walking. I still remember her screaming at me because when I moved my hips, my upper body shook. She would clamp her big hands on my shoulders, tell me to bend my knees really low and start moving my hips in a circle. I could feel my scrawny shoulders trying to move under the presssure of her hands, and the eyes of everyone in class watching me. Beads of sweat started forming at the base of my spine and travelled upwards towards my neck as she kept saying over and over again like a chant, "stop moving your shoulders, only your hips should move not your whole upper body." Geez, I was only 12 years old, give me a break.
I'm trying to remember if I was the youngest person in that class. There were other kids there but they were older, and older women that didn't live in our neighborhood. How I got stuck taking an ancient hawaiian hula class instead of the tourist hula that I started learning at age six is a mystery to me. Her daughter and I were in the same grade, so I don't know if I asked to go to the class or if my grandma knew about the class and wanted me to go. My grandparents were strict catholics, not followers of ancient hawaiian ritualistic hula.
The hula I was taught that year is hardly ever performed except at hula festivals in Hawaii. My hula teacher told us that this kind of hula is passed down from female to female only, and you have to be invited to learn it. No wonder it's never seen if the hula is that exclusive. Tourists wouldn't like this kind of hula anyway. It's all this gutteral chanting, and the costumes are not that pretty and the girls never really smile since they're supposed to priestesses. You have to be serious, religious and devoted because "you are offering a prayer to the gods and goddesses".
Friday, March 10, 2006
I've been meditating every day for an hour this week, and have had the most incredible experiences which have been enhanced by these new supplements I've been taking. David Hudson discovered something called monotomic gold, and my new writing friend S from work loves it and recommended I take some.
The company is called Harmonic Innerprize and they make these amazing products. Their orignal product, Chamae Rose, is made from a plant that grows in this white soil which was created by a meteor that landed on earth 11,000 years ago. From the white soil, they came up with Etherium Gold, Etherium Black, Etherium Red, Etherium Pink, and Shamir. They also have another product called Aulterra.
I had the most powerful experience with Alterra. Lab studies have shown:
1. Aulterra increases the utilization and effectiveness to the body of any substance; including pharmaceuticals, nutriceuticals and herbs, and foodstuff by 30% to 60%.
2. Aulterra activates DNA. When DNA is oscillating at optimal efficiency it opens the potential for a constant state of health.
3. Aulterra neutralizes the harmful effects of toxic substances, including toxins in the body. This is accomplished through electromagnetic dynamics that reverses the negative spin of any toxic substance to positive.
The first night I took Aulterra I felt all these negative vibrations leave my body. The formulation seemed to draw all my sadness away from me, sadness I didn't know I had. Etherium black if taken during a meditation makes you go really, really deep. I'm not sure what the effects of the other formulations are yet.
Etherium gold makes me feel balanced. Here's what the website says:
Etherium Gold has an electromagnetic pattern similar, if not identical to the same pattern that energy flows when it is transmuted into matter.
Physicists believe when energy forms matter, it begins by moving in a clockwise motion. As its speed increases, a vortex begins to form. Centrifugal force causes the energy to rise and the circumference of the spin becomes tighter and tighter. The energy in the vortex eventually reaches an apex where it cannot go any further and it implodes within itself. From the implosion, another vortex is formed and it moves counterclockwise and as it descends it slows. Eventually it slows to a point where matter forms. At first single atomic (monatomic) states appear, and eventually more complex atomic states.
Biofeedback research indicates that individuals become more balanced and calm after administration of Etherium Gold. Test shows a clear decrease in emotional reactivity and greater relaxation.
The most obvious and consistent results occurred in the EEG measurements after taking Etherium Gold. In 90% of the volunteers brainwave frequencies tended to balance out and all frequency bands showed greater activation.
We could casually say that people with high theta activity (as compared to beta) are considered to be "right brained," (creative, meditative, artistic, spatially oriented). People with high beta activity (as compared to theta) are considered to be "left brained," (logical, mathematically inclined, linearly oriented). Etherium Gold balances the differences in the strength of these frequency ranges between the right and left hemispheres of the brain. It is therefore a very accurate statement to say that Etherium Gold tends toward helping people become more "whole brained."
In conclusion, this preliminary study shows clear evidence that there is a positive neurological impact, at least temporarily, through the administration of Etherium Gold. The indication is that it somehow provides an environment whereby the brain moves toward a state of homeostasis.
I did my usual Brenda thing and started taking all the supplements at once and got so spacey. S from work said I looked so out of it. She said she saw that my etheric body wasn't attached to my physical body. I was irritated and my synapses weren't firing right, and I was waking up every two hours and having the wildest dreams.
S said it was too dangerous for me and made me promise to take a break. So I stopped taking the stuff, and ate a ton of protein to ground me to the earth and back into my body. I was better within a couple of days and now try to take only a couple of formulations a day.
I miss my wild dreams though. The supplements were stirring up stuff in my subconscious and I really missed my mom and grandma during this time. It made me feel like Iwas holding all this sadness inside of me that now needed to be released.
I had the weirdest dream about ex-husband. I dreamt he was in my apartment and had unloaded all these bags and boxes into my living room. I think the dream was about how much emotional baggage I was still carrying from that relationship. In the dream, my ex-hubbie asked me if I wanted my baggage back and I said NO WAY. In the next part of the dream, the bags and boxes were gone from my place. Weird huh?
The company is called Harmonic Innerprize and they make these amazing products. Their orignal product, Chamae Rose, is made from a plant that grows in this white soil which was created by a meteor that landed on earth 11,000 years ago. From the white soil, they came up with Etherium Gold, Etherium Black, Etherium Red, Etherium Pink, and Shamir. They also have another product called Aulterra.
I had the most powerful experience with Alterra. Lab studies have shown:
1. Aulterra increases the utilization and effectiveness to the body of any substance; including pharmaceuticals, nutriceuticals and herbs, and foodstuff by 30% to 60%.
2. Aulterra activates DNA. When DNA is oscillating at optimal efficiency it opens the potential for a constant state of health.
3. Aulterra neutralizes the harmful effects of toxic substances, including toxins in the body. This is accomplished through electromagnetic dynamics that reverses the negative spin of any toxic substance to positive.
The first night I took Aulterra I felt all these negative vibrations leave my body. The formulation seemed to draw all my sadness away from me, sadness I didn't know I had. Etherium black if taken during a meditation makes you go really, really deep. I'm not sure what the effects of the other formulations are yet.
Etherium gold makes me feel balanced. Here's what the website says:
Etherium Gold has an electromagnetic pattern similar, if not identical to the same pattern that energy flows when it is transmuted into matter.
Physicists believe when energy forms matter, it begins by moving in a clockwise motion. As its speed increases, a vortex begins to form. Centrifugal force causes the energy to rise and the circumference of the spin becomes tighter and tighter. The energy in the vortex eventually reaches an apex where it cannot go any further and it implodes within itself. From the implosion, another vortex is formed and it moves counterclockwise and as it descends it slows. Eventually it slows to a point where matter forms. At first single atomic (monatomic) states appear, and eventually more complex atomic states.
Biofeedback research indicates that individuals become more balanced and calm after administration of Etherium Gold. Test shows a clear decrease in emotional reactivity and greater relaxation.
The most obvious and consistent results occurred in the EEG measurements after taking Etherium Gold. In 90% of the volunteers brainwave frequencies tended to balance out and all frequency bands showed greater activation.
We could casually say that people with high theta activity (as compared to beta) are considered to be "right brained," (creative, meditative, artistic, spatially oriented). People with high beta activity (as compared to theta) are considered to be "left brained," (logical, mathematically inclined, linearly oriented). Etherium Gold balances the differences in the strength of these frequency ranges between the right and left hemispheres of the brain. It is therefore a very accurate statement to say that Etherium Gold tends toward helping people become more "whole brained."
In conclusion, this preliminary study shows clear evidence that there is a positive neurological impact, at least temporarily, through the administration of Etherium Gold. The indication is that it somehow provides an environment whereby the brain moves toward a state of homeostasis.
I did my usual Brenda thing and started taking all the supplements at once and got so spacey. S from work said I looked so out of it. She said she saw that my etheric body wasn't attached to my physical body. I was irritated and my synapses weren't firing right, and I was waking up every two hours and having the wildest dreams.
S said it was too dangerous for me and made me promise to take a break. So I stopped taking the stuff, and ate a ton of protein to ground me to the earth and back into my body. I was better within a couple of days and now try to take only a couple of formulations a day.
I miss my wild dreams though. The supplements were stirring up stuff in my subconscious and I really missed my mom and grandma during this time. It made me feel like Iwas holding all this sadness inside of me that now needed to be released.
I had the weirdest dream about ex-husband. I dreamt he was in my apartment and had unloaded all these bags and boxes into my living room. I think the dream was about how much emotional baggage I was still carrying from that relationship. In the dream, my ex-hubbie asked me if I wanted my baggage back and I said NO WAY. In the next part of the dream, the bags and boxes were gone from my place. Weird huh?
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
My first bible reading wasn’t too bad. In this other new thing I’m doing to put more structure in my life, part of the daily-to-do is to reflect upon the word of God. This is the passage that really spoke to me.
The Fiery Cloud
Numbers 8 (NLT) :
15The Tabernacle was set up, and on that day the cloud covered it.[f] Then from evening until morning the cloud over the Tabernacle appeared to be a pillar of fire. 16This was the regular pattern--at night the cloud changed to the appearance of fire. 17When the cloud lifted from over the sacred tent, the people of Israel followed it. And wherever the cloud settled, the people of Israel camped. 18In this way, they traveled at the LORD's command and stopped wherever he told them to. Then they remained where they were as long as the cloud stayed over the Tabernacle. 19If the cloud remained over the Tabernacle for a long time, the Israelites stayed for a long time, just as the LORD commanded. 20Sometimes the cloud would stay over the Tabernacle for only a few days, so the people would stay for only a few days. Then at the LORD's command they would break camp. 21Sometimes the cloud stayed only overnight and moved on the next morning. But day or night, when the cloud lifted, the people broke camp and followed. 22Whether the cloud stayed above the Tabernacle for two days, a month, or a year, the people of Israel stayed in camp and did not move on. But as soon as it lifted, they broke camp and moved on. 23So they camped or traveled at the LORD's command, and they did whatever the LORD told them through Moses.
I feel like I’m other some kind of cloud, waiting for the signs to know what to do. I think this is part of the grieving process when you lose a relationship. I have to grieve, I have to be sad, I have to learn the lessons so I can move one.
One big lesson I learned it is I neglected my writing. I never ever want to do this in a love relationship again. Writing is good for me; it takes the stress out of my mind and body. I already have an overly active imagination, and when I’m not writing my imagination tends to spill over into my real life. I need to keep my imaginative mind active by making up stories about my fictional characters, instead of making up stories about my relationship. My imagination does not know the difference, honestly. My imagination will make up a story about anything and everything, and it doesn’t take much to get it going. Making up stories comes fairly easy for me because of my imagination, which is great for writing but not great for having a love relationship. When I don’t write I also get depressed, which makes me focus on what’s wrong with my life instead of what’s good and great about it.
So I must learn to make myself write every day, even if I don’t want to, even if I don’t feel like it, which is how I feel most of the time. Even if I only do 15 minute timed freewrites, at least I will still be writing. I am reading my Natalie Goldberg books; she wrote “Writing down to the bones”. Natalie talks about writing like a spiritual practice that you must do every day, so that one day you will be able to write short stories and novels. And not journal writing either, which is what I do, but timed freewrites.
This is my plan and on Monday I restructured my current screenplay in a freewrite. I’m not sure if this is a good thing, but I think it will be fun to see if could restructure my screenplay to fit my new plot. I like problem-solving. I do it naturally, and I get paid to do it in real life. Maybe if I can transfer my natural problem solving skills to my writing, I will be able to put out a story that I really like instead of something that I sort of like.
The Fiery Cloud
Numbers 8 (NLT) :
15The Tabernacle was set up, and on that day the cloud covered it.[f] Then from evening until morning the cloud over the Tabernacle appeared to be a pillar of fire. 16This was the regular pattern--at night the cloud changed to the appearance of fire. 17When the cloud lifted from over the sacred tent, the people of Israel followed it. And wherever the cloud settled, the people of Israel camped. 18In this way, they traveled at the LORD's command and stopped wherever he told them to. Then they remained where they were as long as the cloud stayed over the Tabernacle. 19If the cloud remained over the Tabernacle for a long time, the Israelites stayed for a long time, just as the LORD commanded. 20Sometimes the cloud would stay over the Tabernacle for only a few days, so the people would stay for only a few days. Then at the LORD's command they would break camp. 21Sometimes the cloud stayed only overnight and moved on the next morning. But day or night, when the cloud lifted, the people broke camp and followed. 22Whether the cloud stayed above the Tabernacle for two days, a month, or a year, the people of Israel stayed in camp and did not move on. But as soon as it lifted, they broke camp and moved on. 23So they camped or traveled at the LORD's command, and they did whatever the LORD told them through Moses.
I feel like I’m other some kind of cloud, waiting for the signs to know what to do. I think this is part of the grieving process when you lose a relationship. I have to grieve, I have to be sad, I have to learn the lessons so I can move one.
One big lesson I learned it is I neglected my writing. I never ever want to do this in a love relationship again. Writing is good for me; it takes the stress out of my mind and body. I already have an overly active imagination, and when I’m not writing my imagination tends to spill over into my real life. I need to keep my imaginative mind active by making up stories about my fictional characters, instead of making up stories about my relationship. My imagination does not know the difference, honestly. My imagination will make up a story about anything and everything, and it doesn’t take much to get it going. Making up stories comes fairly easy for me because of my imagination, which is great for writing but not great for having a love relationship. When I don’t write I also get depressed, which makes me focus on what’s wrong with my life instead of what’s good and great about it.
So I must learn to make myself write every day, even if I don’t want to, even if I don’t feel like it, which is how I feel most of the time. Even if I only do 15 minute timed freewrites, at least I will still be writing. I am reading my Natalie Goldberg books; she wrote “Writing down to the bones”. Natalie talks about writing like a spiritual practice that you must do every day, so that one day you will be able to write short stories and novels. And not journal writing either, which is what I do, but timed freewrites.
This is my plan and on Monday I restructured my current screenplay in a freewrite. I’m not sure if this is a good thing, but I think it will be fun to see if could restructure my screenplay to fit my new plot. I like problem-solving. I do it naturally, and I get paid to do it in real life. Maybe if I can transfer my natural problem solving skills to my writing, I will be able to put out a story that I really like instead of something that I sort of like.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
So I finally gave in and bought a one-year bible. It’s been a dream of mine since college to read the bible in its entirety, and not just the passages they dole out ritualistically in church readings or the ones that get attention on the History channel with those fanatical doom and gloom evangelical and conspiracy theory pundits. The theatre lit professor who was teaching my class on Samuel Beckett, the playwright, lambasted the whole class for our humongous bible illiteracy. Beckett, like most scholars of his time, knew the bible inside and out and used biblical references throughout his work. I can still hear Ellen Mease screaming “And you all missed 90% of them,” and then going into a tirade of the inadequacy of the American educational system. “How are you supposed to read great literature and understand what the authors were trying to say if you don’t get the biblical references?” We all rolled our eyes secretly, eyes that said “yeah, yeah Ellen, whatever.”
But I never forgot her remark. I hate when I don’t get the references; it like so bugs me. I feel stupid and out-of-it when I don’t get things because I’m a smart girl and should get these seemingly simple things. But I never got around to actually wanting to fulfill this dream until a few years ago.
I started on my one-year bible plan three years ago, and that unfortunately only lasted through the middle of February before I gave up. It was too hard. The bible study plan I was using started off in The Old Testament and I don’t know about you but there are parts of the five books of the Torah that are just, I don’t know, unreadable. The people who put together the one-year bible must have first hand knowledge of the bible’s put you sleep state because each day has a reading from the Old Testament, the New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs. Leviticus and its endless dietary restrictions should only be taken in small doses.
I also found the one-year bible online after I bought the book, so dummy me didn’t even have to spend the money. Oh well. My only issue with these bibles is the translations. Although I’m used to reading the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) translation, personally I like the New Standard Version (NSV). The NRSV takes the wonderful and violent language of the NSV and waters it down, makes it politically correct and I think infinitely more boring. But the one-year bibles that I saw at the bookstore in the Embarcadero only came in the New Living Translation (NLT) and the New International Version (NIV). The NIV is the most popular translation but it only came in the compact version, so I ended up buying the NLT not only because the book was bigger but I wasn’t sure what to make up the NIV introduction when I read that evangelicals endorsed it. That statement, I am embarrassed to say, was enough to scare me off that translation.
The online one-year bible gives you more options to translations, which I wish they would do for the book version. I guess it makes sense for the publisher to print translations of bible that they know will be bought.
So okay, I know it’s March 7 and I have January and February to get caught up with in my reading plan, but I’m hoping that I will be able to fulfill my dream to read the whole bible.
But I never forgot her remark. I hate when I don’t get the references; it like so bugs me. I feel stupid and out-of-it when I don’t get things because I’m a smart girl and should get these seemingly simple things. But I never got around to actually wanting to fulfill this dream until a few years ago.
I started on my one-year bible plan three years ago, and that unfortunately only lasted through the middle of February before I gave up. It was too hard. The bible study plan I was using started off in The Old Testament and I don’t know about you but there are parts of the five books of the Torah that are just, I don’t know, unreadable. The people who put together the one-year bible must have first hand knowledge of the bible’s put you sleep state because each day has a reading from the Old Testament, the New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs. Leviticus and its endless dietary restrictions should only be taken in small doses.
I also found the one-year bible online after I bought the book, so dummy me didn’t even have to spend the money. Oh well. My only issue with these bibles is the translations. Although I’m used to reading the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) translation, personally I like the New Standard Version (NSV). The NRSV takes the wonderful and violent language of the NSV and waters it down, makes it politically correct and I think infinitely more boring. But the one-year bibles that I saw at the bookstore in the Embarcadero only came in the New Living Translation (NLT) and the New International Version (NIV). The NIV is the most popular translation but it only came in the compact version, so I ended up buying the NLT not only because the book was bigger but I wasn’t sure what to make up the NIV introduction when I read that evangelicals endorsed it. That statement, I am embarrassed to say, was enough to scare me off that translation.
The online one-year bible gives you more options to translations, which I wish they would do for the book version. I guess it makes sense for the publisher to print translations of bible that they know will be bought.
So okay, I know it’s March 7 and I have January and February to get caught up with in my reading plan, but I’m hoping that I will be able to fulfill my dream to read the whole bible.
Monday, March 06, 2006
So I talked to my boss this morning and she told what my raise would be. I got the highest amount you could get for the review I received, which wasn't much, really, but considering last year was not a financially stellar year for the company I'm happy I received a raise at all. I've been at companies where they've held back raises because the finances were so bad or haven't given them at all.
I don't think I've done that badly at this company. Since I left my other job in 2004, my salary has gone up 12%. The yearly bonus will be small as well, but I'm just happy becauseI haven't worked for a company that gave out yearly bonuses in a long time. My thinking is, whatever money the company can give you is a good thing.
I don't think I've done that badly at this company. Since I left my other job in 2004, my salary has gone up 12%. The yearly bonus will be small as well, but I'm just happy becauseI haven't worked for a company that gave out yearly bonuses in a long time. My thinking is, whatever money the company can give you is a good thing.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
I'm not going to lie and say I'm not pleased that "Crash" won the oscar for best film. "Crash" was an excellent ensemble film dealing with so many relevant issues from racism to caring for an elderly parent to the seeming inhumanity of the health care system to children getting more love from their nannies than from their parents to human slavery to arab race relations.
It was an intense movie with some of the best realistic dialogue I've seen in a film in a long time, outside of anything David Mamet or Quentin Tarantino have done. I also liked that it was a relatively low budget film of $6.5 million that made $55 million at the box office. Now that's one heck of a return on investment.
"Crash" dealt with perhaps what some people say are mundane issues, but they are issues nonetheless that so universal to anyone living in America right now.
When I went to a Robert McKee seminar last year, the man himself even raved about how great the movie "Crash" was and one that we all needed to see. This praise was coming from the same man who totally dissed "The English Patient" a year previously. Guess the guy really knows his movies. I wasn't even going to see "Crash" until Robert McKee recommended it. I don't think the movie was even marketed that well when it came out, and made the amount of money it did from people seeing the movie and telling their friends.
Not that "Brokeback Mountain" didn't cover a relevant subject, but "Crash" I think just covered more issues and did it in current day. And with the disgusting political correctness that is taking over everything from the coverage of the news to what people say, "Crash" was a like a big "F-U" to all of that, and said "you know what, this is how life really is and no change in vocabulary is going to change it unless we confront it and transform it through the medium of film."
It was an intense movie with some of the best realistic dialogue I've seen in a film in a long time, outside of anything David Mamet or Quentin Tarantino have done. I also liked that it was a relatively low budget film of $6.5 million that made $55 million at the box office. Now that's one heck of a return on investment.
"Crash" dealt with perhaps what some people say are mundane issues, but they are issues nonetheless that so universal to anyone living in America right now.
When I went to a Robert McKee seminar last year, the man himself even raved about how great the movie "Crash" was and one that we all needed to see. This praise was coming from the same man who totally dissed "The English Patient" a year previously. Guess the guy really knows his movies. I wasn't even going to see "Crash" until Robert McKee recommended it. I don't think the movie was even marketed that well when it came out, and made the amount of money it did from people seeing the movie and telling their friends.
Not that "Brokeback Mountain" didn't cover a relevant subject, but "Crash" I think just covered more issues and did it in current day. And with the disgusting political correctness that is taking over everything from the coverage of the news to what people say, "Crash" was a like a big "F-U" to all of that, and said "you know what, this is how life really is and no change in vocabulary is going to change it unless we confront it and transform it through the medium of film."
So back in the early 90's when I was dating stockbroker boyfriend who used to wake me up in his luxury high rise apartment so he could watch the opening of the stock exchange, we often talked about what else, stocks. I told stockbroker guy, who was managing millions of dollars of retirement portfolio funds at the time, to hang onto his AT&T stock. I told him AT&T stock was a good investment, even though at the time AT&T was in divestiture at the time and was selling off parts of the company. The jewel of the company, the AT&T labs, would be left intact with the company.
Well it's like so many years later, and AT&T is once again making the news first with the purchase of SBC and now with the announcement today of the purchase of BellSouth.
Even though stockbroker boyfriend wasn't a very good match, way too much alcohol and partying for my taste, I know he kept his AT&T stock even though he really, really wanted to unload it. I hope he's happy now that he followed my advice.
Well it's like so many years later, and AT&T is once again making the news first with the purchase of SBC and now with the announcement today of the purchase of BellSouth.
Even though stockbroker boyfriend wasn't a very good match, way too much alcohol and partying for my taste, I know he kept his AT&T stock even though he really, really wanted to unload it. I hope he's happy now that he followed my advice.
The Recognition ...
It starts with a look, a face, a smile, a curve of a check, maybe even something heard in a voice, and then all of a sudden the cloud of unknowing parts and you see. You see a ray of sunshine among the stormy and dark clouds, you see into the unseen, the veils between the higher and lower worlds, between the dimensions, between the frequencies.
You are a like a generator cell, pure energy, buzzing day and night, maintaning and building the life of the whole organism. You have a purpose but it is unknown, until you glimpse a projector cell. A projector cell who has no propulsion of its own, so it drifts around on the body's, the world's endless energy currents created by the generator cells. The projector cell lets you dock within them, within their own timing. And the recognition process takes place. The recognition process takes place through a coded lock and a key program built into these two types at birth.
And you glimpse the light, the light of your own soul, you see into the darkness, you hear the words of Christ as he cried out in agony on the cross in Golgatha "Father into you hands I come", and you surrender believing with a faith that does not believe to see, you give into the madness, the recognition, where each choice becomes a death, where you will confront the parts of yourself that you do not want to know is there, that you didn't know even existed, the bits of darkness the floats freely among the quiet stillness of your soul, the loneliness, the self-pitying, insecure, addictive, compulsive, utter selfishness and evil parts of your self, that coexists side by side within the good, within the light, because without the darkness the light cannot shine, the light cannot be seen and the light must illuminate the darkness, so the darkness can be transmorgified and transmuted into the light.
And so you journey, make that first step, make that first choice, and you hope the moment lasts a lifetime until you take your last breath. But sometimes a moment is just a moment that does not last and is as fleeting as the bink of an eye. But the journey must be made and the choice is accepted and then the step is taken because there are always lessons to be learned, and a life that must be transformed and demands change.
Biology references taken from and inspired by Gene Keys of the UK.
It starts with a look, a face, a smile, a curve of a check, maybe even something heard in a voice, and then all of a sudden the cloud of unknowing parts and you see. You see a ray of sunshine among the stormy and dark clouds, you see into the unseen, the veils between the higher and lower worlds, between the dimensions, between the frequencies.
You are a like a generator cell, pure energy, buzzing day and night, maintaning and building the life of the whole organism. You have a purpose but it is unknown, until you glimpse a projector cell. A projector cell who has no propulsion of its own, so it drifts around on the body's, the world's endless energy currents created by the generator cells. The projector cell lets you dock within them, within their own timing. And the recognition process takes place. The recognition process takes place through a coded lock and a key program built into these two types at birth.
And you glimpse the light, the light of your own soul, you see into the darkness, you hear the words of Christ as he cried out in agony on the cross in Golgatha "Father into you hands I come", and you surrender believing with a faith that does not believe to see, you give into the madness, the recognition, where each choice becomes a death, where you will confront the parts of yourself that you do not want to know is there, that you didn't know even existed, the bits of darkness the floats freely among the quiet stillness of your soul, the loneliness, the self-pitying, insecure, addictive, compulsive, utter selfishness and evil parts of your self, that coexists side by side within the good, within the light, because without the darkness the light cannot shine, the light cannot be seen and the light must illuminate the darkness, so the darkness can be transmorgified and transmuted into the light.
And so you journey, make that first step, make that first choice, and you hope the moment lasts a lifetime until you take your last breath. But sometimes a moment is just a moment that does not last and is as fleeting as the bink of an eye. But the journey must be made and the choice is accepted and then the step is taken because there are always lessons to be learned, and a life that must be transformed and demands change.
Biology references taken from and inspired by Gene Keys of the UK.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Speaking about confidence in my writing skills. I forgot to mention last month that the head writer in our Brand department complimented me on one of my business letters. Every external letter I write has to go through the Brand department to make sure that whatever is sent out adheres to what the company's brand image. The head writer in Brand said she was using going to use one of my letters as an example of how to do something. That's pretty cool huh?
The sales/marketing manager in my division told me I was one of better writers in the division, and in the whole company outside of the Brand department. The woman has a PhD in English and is a terrific writer, so when she told me this I was in awe. She does not give out compliments very easily. She knows I want to be a writer, and I asked her if she would edit my stories for me. I told her I would of course pay her, and she agreed. I think she would make not only a good grammar editor, but a good content editor as well.
I never think of myself as a good business writer, so to be complimented like this at work is such an ego boost for me. I am starting to believe that despite my bad opinion of myself as a writer, I'm not that bad. I know I need to brush up on my grammar and to think about wordsmithing more for my fiction stories, but at least I seem to have the basic skills of writing, which is really all you need to be a good business writer.
The sales/marketing manager in my division told me I was one of better writers in the division, and in the whole company outside of the Brand department. The woman has a PhD in English and is a terrific writer, so when she told me this I was in awe. She does not give out compliments very easily. She knows I want to be a writer, and I asked her if she would edit my stories for me. I told her I would of course pay her, and she agreed. I think she would make not only a good grammar editor, but a good content editor as well.
I never think of myself as a good business writer, so to be complimented like this at work is such an ego boost for me. I am starting to believe that despite my bad opinion of myself as a writer, I'm not that bad. I know I need to brush up on my grammar and to think about wordsmithing more for my fiction stories, but at least I seem to have the basic skills of writing, which is really all you need to be a good business writer.
I went to a Learning Annex class last Thursday given by a New York publishing agent. I went with my new friend from work, who I found out is also a writer. The seminar was so informative. The agent said that at publishing house grades a writer on how well they execute the idea of what they wanted to write about. I never thought about writing this way before, but it makes so much sense.
You have an idea for a story, and the story is the written form of making the idea come to life with characters and a plot. It's like problem solving. How do you get from point to A to point B in the most entertaining and logical way possible. Problem solving is what I do for a living because it comes easily and naturally to me. If I think about writing my stories this way, I think the process will become easier. I was thinking I could ask myself at the end of each chapter, did I execute well the idea I wanted to get across in the chapter or at this point in the story. If the answer is yes, then the chapter is finished. If the answer is no, then I know the chapter needs work. Each chapter and even the plot can be run through the same process. Does the plot and each chapter execute the story I want to tell. I think I could even think about my characters using this process as well. Does my description and the actions I have the character take execute the idea I have for the character and type of person the character is.
I am excited by this new idea of story writing. It makes sense to me and it gives me confidence in my story writing, because I know I'm a good problem solver. I've been told I'm very good at problem solving at all my jobs, and if I can just transfer this business/job skill into my writing, I think I will be in good shape.
You have an idea for a story, and the story is the written form of making the idea come to life with characters and a plot. It's like problem solving. How do you get from point to A to point B in the most entertaining and logical way possible. Problem solving is what I do for a living because it comes easily and naturally to me. If I think about writing my stories this way, I think the process will become easier. I was thinking I could ask myself at the end of each chapter, did I execute well the idea I wanted to get across in the chapter or at this point in the story. If the answer is yes, then the chapter is finished. If the answer is no, then I know the chapter needs work. Each chapter and even the plot can be run through the same process. Does the plot and each chapter execute the story I want to tell. I think I could even think about my characters using this process as well. Does my description and the actions I have the character take execute the idea I have for the character and type of person the character is.
I am excited by this new idea of story writing. It makes sense to me and it gives me confidence in my story writing, because I know I'm a good problem solver. I've been told I'm very good at problem solving at all my jobs, and if I can just transfer this business/job skill into my writing, I think I will be in good shape.
Alright, I know it's been a long, long time since I've posted but I'm still around. It's been an exhaustive February.
Work was crazy! I had 100 emails to deal with when I got back to work on that first Monday. This last week was the first week at work that I think I finally got all caught up.
M-Square and I are on the rocks. I think we will always be friends but our future is pretty non-existent at this point. He has so many problems, most of them having to do with work I think. It's hard to have a relationship when your work life is so precarious. I've been there and know what he's going through. You can't really think about being in a relationship when you're not sure if you're going to get paid from week to week. Financial issues are the death of most relationships I think. Ah well!
The best part of February is I have been doing a ton of reading, and even wrote a little bit.
House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende - what an amazing book! I loved Clara and the magical realism of the whole book. What an amazing story! She is definitely one of my new writing muses. I will have to read all of her books.
Mysteries of Pittsburgh by Michael Chabon - this was his first novel and I hated it, really hated it! It was so darn boring. I had to force myself to finish it. My guy, from screenwriting class whom I had a serious crush on, recommended the book. Maybe it's a guy book, meaning it's something a guy would enjoy, but I sure did not. I hate when people recommend books that I end up reading and then conclude at the end that the book majorily sucked! A really good friend of mine recommended I read "The English Patient", and was even quoting passages out of the book with her sister. What a sleeper! There's another book I had to force myself to finish. The movie was definitely way better than the book, although I heard in a lecture that Robert McKee thought the movie totally sucked and didn't but the story at all.
Blue Lattitudes by Tony Horowitz - I bought this book to read in Hawaii, but never finished it on my trip. Tony Horowitz is an amazing writer. I loved "Confederates in the Attic" and just knew I would love this book on Captain Cook. There is a Captain Cook monument in the town where my highschool is located on Kauai. Back when I was in highschool at Waimea, there was even some huge celebration on some anniversary of his landing and there were representatives from his birthplace in England there. It was such a big deal on my island that year.
2nd Chances by James Patterson - the man is an amazing storyteller. I couldn't put the book down and thoroughly enjoyed it. I love books that I can't put down. I don't normally like crime fiction, but I can see why his books sell very well.
The House of the Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne - this was an amazing book. I loved the way it was written and I loved the characters. The storyteller in the book had such a sense of humor. And much to my surprise, it was quite the romance! I was expecting more of a gothic horror novel, and I suppose it was, but it was also such a cute love story.
The Alchemist by Paul Coelho - J and M from my writing group recommended this book and they were so right - this is an amazing book. It is so spiritual and I am so relating to Santiago right now especially with regard to my writing, since I sincerely believe being a paid writer is my "personal legend". In the beginning of my writing journey, writing every day came so easily. It's called "beginner's luck" in the book. But these last two years have been pretty hard and I've had to struggle daily to have any enthusiasm to write. I know I lost my focus on my personal legend, having been consumed with my new job in 2003 and then trying to have a relationship. But I have been at my new job for two years now, and although I still do not have the relationships of my dreams, I found out in these last two years that my heart is still open and that if I balance my life I can still pursue my writing and still have a relationship.
Work was crazy! I had 100 emails to deal with when I got back to work on that first Monday. This last week was the first week at work that I think I finally got all caught up.
M-Square and I are on the rocks. I think we will always be friends but our future is pretty non-existent at this point. He has so many problems, most of them having to do with work I think. It's hard to have a relationship when your work life is so precarious. I've been there and know what he's going through. You can't really think about being in a relationship when you're not sure if you're going to get paid from week to week. Financial issues are the death of most relationships I think. Ah well!
The best part of February is I have been doing a ton of reading, and even wrote a little bit.
House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende - what an amazing book! I loved Clara and the magical realism of the whole book. What an amazing story! She is definitely one of my new writing muses. I will have to read all of her books.
Mysteries of Pittsburgh by Michael Chabon - this was his first novel and I hated it, really hated it! It was so darn boring. I had to force myself to finish it. My guy, from screenwriting class whom I had a serious crush on, recommended the book. Maybe it's a guy book, meaning it's something a guy would enjoy, but I sure did not. I hate when people recommend books that I end up reading and then conclude at the end that the book majorily sucked! A really good friend of mine recommended I read "The English Patient", and was even quoting passages out of the book with her sister. What a sleeper! There's another book I had to force myself to finish. The movie was definitely way better than the book, although I heard in a lecture that Robert McKee thought the movie totally sucked and didn't but the story at all.
Blue Lattitudes by Tony Horowitz - I bought this book to read in Hawaii, but never finished it on my trip. Tony Horowitz is an amazing writer. I loved "Confederates in the Attic" and just knew I would love this book on Captain Cook. There is a Captain Cook monument in the town where my highschool is located on Kauai. Back when I was in highschool at Waimea, there was even some huge celebration on some anniversary of his landing and there were representatives from his birthplace in England there. It was such a big deal on my island that year.
2nd Chances by James Patterson - the man is an amazing storyteller. I couldn't put the book down and thoroughly enjoyed it. I love books that I can't put down. I don't normally like crime fiction, but I can see why his books sell very well.
The House of the Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne - this was an amazing book. I loved the way it was written and I loved the characters. The storyteller in the book had such a sense of humor. And much to my surprise, it was quite the romance! I was expecting more of a gothic horror novel, and I suppose it was, but it was also such a cute love story.
The Alchemist by Paul Coelho - J and M from my writing group recommended this book and they were so right - this is an amazing book. It is so spiritual and I am so relating to Santiago right now especially with regard to my writing, since I sincerely believe being a paid writer is my "personal legend". In the beginning of my writing journey, writing every day came so easily. It's called "beginner's luck" in the book. But these last two years have been pretty hard and I've had to struggle daily to have any enthusiasm to write. I know I lost my focus on my personal legend, having been consumed with my new job in 2003 and then trying to have a relationship. But I have been at my new job for two years now, and although I still do not have the relationships of my dreams, I found out in these last two years that my heart is still open and that if I balance my life I can still pursue my writing and still have a relationship.
Monday, January 30, 2006
I watched "The Corpse Bride" on my flight back. Talk about a weak story! I started getting so annoyed with Johnny Depp's character, which is a not a good thing for a movie audience. You couldn't root for this character at all. I kept thinking if they only flushed out his character better, then the movie might have been decent. I was very disappointed with this Tim Burton movie, very disappointed.
It's becoming increasingly hard to read the business news. GM and Ford are laying off tens of thousands of people. Kraft is laying off people as well. How many more layoffs can the country take? People keep saying that how well General Motors is doing is an indicator of the rest of the economy. Well, GM is not doing so well are they?
The scuttlebutt is that Ford or GM will merge with a japanese automaker. Boy, that will interesting won't it?
The scuttlebutt is that Ford or GM will merge with a japanese automaker. Boy, that will interesting won't it?
Saturday, January 28, 2006
I'm back at Honolulu Airport waiting for my flight to take me back home to San Francisco, and I'm blogging at the airport internet access kiosk where I remembered I had some extra minutes.
The last 2.5 days have been a whirlwind. It's always been that way when I'm in Honolulu. My brother took my sister and I up to Punchbowl Cemetery to put flowers on my mom's grave. My mom is lucky to be buried there. The cemetery is full and they aren't burying people there anymore. There was some kind of official visiting because there was a military colourguard there, along with what looked like navy and marine personnel. But we didn't stay because the rain was pouring.
As much as I've visited Punchbowl, I've never looked at the statue of the woman, which is famous for having been in the opening shots for the old tv show Hawaii Five-O. We went to take a look at it this time, and the statue is huge. There's also mosiacs of the battles in the Pacific during world war II.
Being in Honolulu always reminds me that Pearl Harbor is a huge military outpost, and that sailor boys are roaming the island. You always see them running around in threes in downtown Waikiki. We never quite get the military presence shoved in our face in San Francisco. I think their absence makes you forget that the US' power has always been based in its military power. The televised church ceremonies that happened 9/11 really brought home that fact to me. News about the military make the nightly news here. It did when I was growing up and it still does today.
For Veteran's Day in Hawaii, all elementary school children in Hawaii (at least this what they said to us), make floral leis to put on every military gravestone throughout the islands. My island has a military gravesite. My uncle, whom I was visiting this trip because he was ill, was a major in the Vietnam War serving as s doctor somewhere in Vietnam. You know, he never talked about his time there. God knows what kind of medical horrors he saw, but to this day he still wears his dogtags.
My brother took me out to a really great thai restaurant for lunch. I was surprised because the the thai was as good as what you would get in San Francisco. Then he took me to some famous cafe called Onjin Cafe. The chef who runs the place is considered on of the finest chefs in the islands. I thought the food was good, but my brother said it was an off night. We had some kind of fish, that I think I remember eating growing up. It's called olua, but my brother doesn't know the american name for the fish so who knows what I was eating.
My time is running out. It was a good trip, but packed full of stuff to do. I never spend enough time here in Honolulu. It's always been a trip to run around and do things and shop and not relax. I really wanted to visit the Arizona Memorial. I haven't visited since I was a kid, and one of the guys in my screenwriting gorup is writing a screenplay that takes place at the Arizona Memorial. I think I just need to spend a week in Honolulu and be a tourist again one day as an adult, and see all the sites I visited as a kid.
The last 2.5 days have been a whirlwind. It's always been that way when I'm in Honolulu. My brother took my sister and I up to Punchbowl Cemetery to put flowers on my mom's grave. My mom is lucky to be buried there. The cemetery is full and they aren't burying people there anymore. There was some kind of official visiting because there was a military colourguard there, along with what looked like navy and marine personnel. But we didn't stay because the rain was pouring.
As much as I've visited Punchbowl, I've never looked at the statue of the woman, which is famous for having been in the opening shots for the old tv show Hawaii Five-O. We went to take a look at it this time, and the statue is huge. There's also mosiacs of the battles in the Pacific during world war II.
Being in Honolulu always reminds me that Pearl Harbor is a huge military outpost, and that sailor boys are roaming the island. You always see them running around in threes in downtown Waikiki. We never quite get the military presence shoved in our face in San Francisco. I think their absence makes you forget that the US' power has always been based in its military power. The televised church ceremonies that happened 9/11 really brought home that fact to me. News about the military make the nightly news here. It did when I was growing up and it still does today.
For Veteran's Day in Hawaii, all elementary school children in Hawaii (at least this what they said to us), make floral leis to put on every military gravestone throughout the islands. My island has a military gravesite. My uncle, whom I was visiting this trip because he was ill, was a major in the Vietnam War serving as s doctor somewhere in Vietnam. You know, he never talked about his time there. God knows what kind of medical horrors he saw, but to this day he still wears his dogtags.
My brother took me out to a really great thai restaurant for lunch. I was surprised because the the thai was as good as what you would get in San Francisco. Then he took me to some famous cafe called Onjin Cafe. The chef who runs the place is considered on of the finest chefs in the islands. I thought the food was good, but my brother said it was an off night. We had some kind of fish, that I think I remember eating growing up. It's called olua, but my brother doesn't know the american name for the fish so who knows what I was eating.
My time is running out. It was a good trip, but packed full of stuff to do. I never spend enough time here in Honolulu. It's always been a trip to run around and do things and shop and not relax. I really wanted to visit the Arizona Memorial. I haven't visited since I was a kid, and one of the guys in my screenwriting gorup is writing a screenplay that takes place at the Arizona Memorial. I think I just need to spend a week in Honolulu and be a tourist again one day as an adult, and see all the sites I visited as a kid.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Today is my last day on Kauai. I put flower leis on my grandparents' grave, saw my uncle who has since March been eating through an iv tube, checked out all my old stomping grounds, and even took a swim in the ocean.
It's been raining since yesterday, which is good for the island because the guy at the car rental place told me it's been very dry here these past few months.
I wish I was staying longer, but it's time to leave. I hope my next time here will be when M-Square and I are together and I can introduce him to the family.
My birthday was yesterday ... yeah me! My aunt gave me about $3,000 worth of her old jewerly including a $1,000 silver bracelet with garnets, which is my birthstone. For my birthday treat to myself, I had a shiatsu massage at the hotel. The girl who gave me the massage was terrific! Then I went to Lappert's, which is the local iceacream palce here, and had a Lava Tube. A lava tube contains a scoop each of vanilla, macadamia, and caramel ice cream. The scoops are then covered with hot and caramel fudge, and topped with more macadamia nuts, whip cream and a cherry. Perfect vacation food yes?
My aunt and cousins took me to eat sushi at the best sushi place on the island called Kintaro. The sushi was ordinary except for the handrolled sushi crabcakes, which was divine. The crab was fresh and it was a type of sushi I'd never seen before.
I leave for the airport in about three hours, and now I'm off to take my last swim in my hometown waters. It's been a fun trip, short and sweet, and definitely worth it.
It's been raining since yesterday, which is good for the island because the guy at the car rental place told me it's been very dry here these past few months.
I wish I was staying longer, but it's time to leave. I hope my next time here will be when M-Square and I are together and I can introduce him to the family.
My birthday was yesterday ... yeah me! My aunt gave me about $3,000 worth of her old jewerly including a $1,000 silver bracelet with garnets, which is my birthstone. For my birthday treat to myself, I had a shiatsu massage at the hotel. The girl who gave me the massage was terrific! Then I went to Lappert's, which is the local iceacream palce here, and had a Lava Tube. A lava tube contains a scoop each of vanilla, macadamia, and caramel ice cream. The scoops are then covered with hot and caramel fudge, and topped with more macadamia nuts, whip cream and a cherry. Perfect vacation food yes?
My aunt and cousins took me to eat sushi at the best sushi place on the island called Kintaro. The sushi was ordinary except for the handrolled sushi crabcakes, which was divine. The crab was fresh and it was a type of sushi I'd never seen before.
I leave for the airport in about three hours, and now I'm off to take my last swim in my hometown waters. It's been a fun trip, short and sweet, and definitely worth it.
Monday, January 23, 2006
My cousin who used to be a public prosecutor here has since October become a public defender. Apparently, the benefits were better and she was not getting along with her boss, so it was a good move for her.
Her claim to fame which made the island paper, "The Garden Island", was she prosecuted a mentally retarded beekeeper for cruelty to animals and the judge threw the guy in jail for 8 months. My cousin wanted a year.
Here's the story. A nine-year old girl was walking her two dogs with her friends. The dogs got out of their leashes and entered into the beekeeper's property, which by the way was fenced off. The beekeeper had chickens and the dogs were chasing the birds around, so the guy got upset and got some kind of stick and started chasing the dogs around. One of the dogs escaped, but the other dog wasn't as lucky.
The beekeeper hit the dog in the head and rendered him unconscious, and then just kept hitting the dog. All in front of the nine-year old girl who was screaming the whole time. The girl got cited for a leash violation, and mentally slow beekeeper appealed his conviction but was thrown in jail anyway.
My cousin had all kinds of story about the kind of people she's seen come through the Kauai courts. Two women in their 60's bought some hippie lettuce from some guy at the beach. They smoked a little of it, and then put it in their suitcase to take back home. They were busted at Lihue airport for possession of hippie lettuce.
Kauai has zero tolerance for marijuana possession. My cousin has prosecuted people on possesson because they had left over resin in their pipe. Memo to hippie lettuce smokers coming to Kauai. If you want to enjoy hippie lettuce, buy it here and smoke it here. Don't be stupid and get caught with it on the plane. Airport security goes through and opens up everything. My cousin told me people still transport their hippie lettuce in film containers. DUH! That is such an old trick. Everyone stores their hippie lettuce in film containers. Find a new place! They used to be dogs at Honolulu sniffing through the luggage for hippie lettuce. Well, now they have dogs here sniffing out hippie lettuce carriers.
Hippie lettuce is apparently very easy to buy here. You can just walk on the beach at night and people will ask you if you want some. It's just like in New York, when you used to be able to buy joints in front of the public library.
But hippie lettuce for the locals is a drug only the kids do. Crystal meth is in, so in, that on Kauai they regulate the amount of cold medicine you can buy in the drugstores here. Cold medicine is a main ingredient of crystal meth. My cousin said it is very cheap to make and incredibly addictive. There was a crystal meth lab in some old bakery I remember in childhood here, which eventually exploded. Some motel in Lihue call the Tip Top Motel is as rumor at the courts would have it, is the place to buy drugs galore on Kauai.
Kauai also apparently has zero tolerance for drunks and speeders. Too many people, tourists mostl, getting killed in car crashes here and suing the heck out of the county and the state. If you go over 30 miles above the speed limit, you can be cited for reckless driving. Get a DUI on Kauai, and it's $1,000 fine and five days in jail. Worse yet, if you get convicted for a DUI the court has the right to look at whatever arrests you've had in all 50 states. If you had DUIs in other states, they will sentence accordingly and may suspend your license. The limit of alcohol on Kauai you can have in your blood is 0.08. I have no idea what that means, but apparently in California our alcohol tolerance is higher.
All these DUI laws make me laugh because at the interisland terminal in Honolulu while I was waiting for my flight to Kauai, I saw people tanking the cocktails away before their flight. My cousins says there are a ton of tourists who get DUI convictions on Kauai. Some vacation huh?
Her claim to fame which made the island paper, "The Garden Island", was she prosecuted a mentally retarded beekeeper for cruelty to animals and the judge threw the guy in jail for 8 months. My cousin wanted a year.
Here's the story. A nine-year old girl was walking her two dogs with her friends. The dogs got out of their leashes and entered into the beekeeper's property, which by the way was fenced off. The beekeeper had chickens and the dogs were chasing the birds around, so the guy got upset and got some kind of stick and started chasing the dogs around. One of the dogs escaped, but the other dog wasn't as lucky.
The beekeeper hit the dog in the head and rendered him unconscious, and then just kept hitting the dog. All in front of the nine-year old girl who was screaming the whole time. The girl got cited for a leash violation, and mentally slow beekeeper appealed his conviction but was thrown in jail anyway.
My cousin had all kinds of story about the kind of people she's seen come through the Kauai courts. Two women in their 60's bought some hippie lettuce from some guy at the beach. They smoked a little of it, and then put it in their suitcase to take back home. They were busted at Lihue airport for possession of hippie lettuce.
Kauai has zero tolerance for marijuana possession. My cousin has prosecuted people on possesson because they had left over resin in their pipe. Memo to hippie lettuce smokers coming to Kauai. If you want to enjoy hippie lettuce, buy it here and smoke it here. Don't be stupid and get caught with it on the plane. Airport security goes through and opens up everything. My cousin told me people still transport their hippie lettuce in film containers. DUH! That is such an old trick. Everyone stores their hippie lettuce in film containers. Find a new place! They used to be dogs at Honolulu sniffing through the luggage for hippie lettuce. Well, now they have dogs here sniffing out hippie lettuce carriers.
Hippie lettuce is apparently very easy to buy here. You can just walk on the beach at night and people will ask you if you want some. It's just like in New York, when you used to be able to buy joints in front of the public library.
But hippie lettuce for the locals is a drug only the kids do. Crystal meth is in, so in, that on Kauai they regulate the amount of cold medicine you can buy in the drugstores here. Cold medicine is a main ingredient of crystal meth. My cousin said it is very cheap to make and incredibly addictive. There was a crystal meth lab in some old bakery I remember in childhood here, which eventually exploded. Some motel in Lihue call the Tip Top Motel is as rumor at the courts would have it, is the place to buy drugs galore on Kauai.
Kauai also apparently has zero tolerance for drunks and speeders. Too many people, tourists mostl, getting killed in car crashes here and suing the heck out of the county and the state. If you go over 30 miles above the speed limit, you can be cited for reckless driving. Get a DUI on Kauai, and it's $1,000 fine and five days in jail. Worse yet, if you get convicted for a DUI the court has the right to look at whatever arrests you've had in all 50 states. If you had DUIs in other states, they will sentence accordingly and may suspend your license. The limit of alcohol on Kauai you can have in your blood is 0.08. I have no idea what that means, but apparently in California our alcohol tolerance is higher.
All these DUI laws make me laugh because at the interisland terminal in Honolulu while I was waiting for my flight to Kauai, I saw people tanking the cocktails away before their flight. My cousins says there are a ton of tourists who get DUI convictions on Kauai. Some vacation huh?
My third day on Kauai. Yesterday, my aunt and cousins took me to the Hyatt for brunch. I thought it was the Sheraton that had the good brunch, but I was wrong. It's the Hyatt. The brunch they served wasn't as good as when I was there a few years ago. Oh well, it was better than most. There was an omlette chef who made them anyway you wanted them, and a crepe chef as well. This brunch, probably because of all the japanese tourists, had sushi and tempura as well.
One thing I noticed about the brunch here at the Sheraton and at the Hyatt, is that they always have miso soup. You'd be surprised at how many non-asian people eat miso soup with floaty bits of tofu for breakfast.
There are alot couples here and it's interesting to observe their breakfast routine. Some couples just eat an don't say anything. Some couples read the paper. Some couples are very chatty and chat the whole time. The one time M-Square and I went out to breakfast, we were the chatty couple. The longer we stay together, I wonder what kind of breakfast couple we will turn into.
One thing I noticed about the brunch here at the Sheraton and at the Hyatt, is that they always have miso soup. You'd be surprised at how many non-asian people eat miso soup with floaty bits of tofu for breakfast.
There are alot couples here and it's interesting to observe their breakfast routine. Some couples just eat an don't say anything. Some couples read the paper. Some couples are very chatty and chat the whole time. The one time M-Square and I went out to breakfast, we were the chatty couple. The longer we stay together, I wonder what kind of breakfast couple we will turn into.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
I'm in the lobby of the Sheraton Kauai hotel and blogging on one of their computers. They have four computers set up for people to use in an area, where you can also read the paper. I might not even have to use my laptop to log into my room.
My room is great. I can't see the beach close up, but from the balcony I can see the ocean and it's very quiet. I think the hotel is pretty empty. My flight getting here was very empty as well. People were lying down and taking naps in the seats.
For dinner I had this excellen taro encrusted snapper with a mixture of sweet and regular mashed potatoes. There was also some kind of yummy brown and cream white served on the side to go with it, along with some delicious wilted greens. I love hotels with good food.
I ordered a banana and pineapple tropical smoothie with icecream for dinner, but when it came it tasted too sweet and strawberry. And I was like, whatever. I guess I'm not ordering this type of drink at this hotel. Two of the hotel staff afterwards came up to ask me if I was okay, because I guess I was like the only person dining by themselves in the restaurant. But then the waitress came over and told me that she had mistakenly given me a drink called "menehune magic". So I was like drinking some disgustingly sweet cocktail instead of my smoothie. She said I could keep the drink after she brought over my smoothie, but I told her to take it. And thank god, my smoothie was delicious. It tasted like a pina colada without the alcohol.
I'm exhausted. I've been up since 5 am and and it's around 10:45 pm Cali time. I think this vacation will be very relaxing for me. My room is great and the bed is huge, and I just M-Square was with me to share it. Someday.
My aunt and cousins are coming here to meet me for brunch tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to seeing them. Did I mention my cousin is a DA here on the island? She wants to be a judge someday, and will probably end up mayor of the island as well. At least that's what my aunt and uncle want. I think my cousin just wants to be a judge. Although I don't know how she's going to be a judge when she's got a star trek tatoo on her leg.
My room is great. I can't see the beach close up, but from the balcony I can see the ocean and it's very quiet. I think the hotel is pretty empty. My flight getting here was very empty as well. People were lying down and taking naps in the seats.
For dinner I had this excellen taro encrusted snapper with a mixture of sweet and regular mashed potatoes. There was also some kind of yummy brown and cream white served on the side to go with it, along with some delicious wilted greens. I love hotels with good food.
I ordered a banana and pineapple tropical smoothie with icecream for dinner, but when it came it tasted too sweet and strawberry. And I was like, whatever. I guess I'm not ordering this type of drink at this hotel. Two of the hotel staff afterwards came up to ask me if I was okay, because I guess I was like the only person dining by themselves in the restaurant. But then the waitress came over and told me that she had mistakenly given me a drink called "menehune magic". So I was like drinking some disgustingly sweet cocktail instead of my smoothie. She said I could keep the drink after she brought over my smoothie, but I told her to take it. And thank god, my smoothie was delicious. It tasted like a pina colada without the alcohol.
I'm exhausted. I've been up since 5 am and and it's around 10:45 pm Cali time. I think this vacation will be very relaxing for me. My room is great and the bed is huge, and I just M-Square was with me to share it. Someday.
My aunt and cousins are coming here to meet me for brunch tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to seeing them. Did I mention my cousin is a DA here on the island? She wants to be a judge someday, and will probably end up mayor of the island as well. At least that's what my aunt and uncle want. I think my cousin just wants to be a judge. Although I don't know how she's going to be a judge when she's got a star trek tatoo on her leg.
Aloha! I am blogging from gate 49 at the Aloha Airlines terminal waiting for my flight to take me to Kauai. I saw this internet kiosk charging 15 cents per minute, and I couldn't resist sticking five dollars into the slot just so I could blog from the airport.
It's 81 degress and cloudy. When you're outside the weather is great, but inside of the airport which keeps more and more smelling like a bar to me, they keep it cold. So I am in Hawaii but I have my sweatshirt on because as an island girl, I hate air conditioning! Everyone else is walking around in flower leis, shorts and t-shirts, and all manner of tacky hawaiian wear.
So I left rainy San Francisco about 7 hours ago and I'm still not at my destination. I guess I could have taken an earlier flight, but I wasn't sure how long everything was going to take. Oh well. I had a kahlua pork sandwich at the only decent place to eat inside the interisland termina, which was the bar. There people were knocking back huge tropic drinks. One drink even came with a complimentary back scratcher. The drinks are about a foot tall and chock full of booze.
I was good and had a ginger ale because I have to drive to my hotel. But I guess this resort I'm staying at has a mai-tai free cocktail hour. I told my family I would stop by as soon as I checked in to my hotel, so no sipping cocktails tonight while watching the sun set.
I managed to get some writing done on the plane, but not much. I read my latest New Yorker and listened to the music on iTunes on my laptop. I loved listening to "Scarlet Begonias" while flying hight above the Pacific ocean.
I spoke to M-Square this morning and he told me what he missed the most about Hawaii was the smell of plumerias. They are such fragile blossoms, I don't think they would make it if I sent some to him. I'm going to check with a florist on Kauai just to make sure. I want send him a maile lei, which is a flower lei made out of a sweet smelling vine that is native to Kauai. The last time I was here, a florist told me they were trying to grow some on the Big Island but the smell is different. But M-Square doesn't really remember what a maile lei is. Getting one was such a big deal when I growing up, but then again I did live on the island that it's grown on.
I will write more later. Till then as everyone says here "Aloha and Mahalo".
It's 81 degress and cloudy. When you're outside the weather is great, but inside of the airport which keeps more and more smelling like a bar to me, they keep it cold. So I am in Hawaii but I have my sweatshirt on because as an island girl, I hate air conditioning! Everyone else is walking around in flower leis, shorts and t-shirts, and all manner of tacky hawaiian wear.
So I left rainy San Francisco about 7 hours ago and I'm still not at my destination. I guess I could have taken an earlier flight, but I wasn't sure how long everything was going to take. Oh well. I had a kahlua pork sandwich at the only decent place to eat inside the interisland termina, which was the bar. There people were knocking back huge tropic drinks. One drink even came with a complimentary back scratcher. The drinks are about a foot tall and chock full of booze.
I was good and had a ginger ale because I have to drive to my hotel. But I guess this resort I'm staying at has a mai-tai free cocktail hour. I told my family I would stop by as soon as I checked in to my hotel, so no sipping cocktails tonight while watching the sun set.
I managed to get some writing done on the plane, but not much. I read my latest New Yorker and listened to the music on iTunes on my laptop. I loved listening to "Scarlet Begonias" while flying hight above the Pacific ocean.
I spoke to M-Square this morning and he told me what he missed the most about Hawaii was the smell of plumerias. They are such fragile blossoms, I don't think they would make it if I sent some to him. I'm going to check with a florist on Kauai just to make sure. I want send him a maile lei, which is a flower lei made out of a sweet smelling vine that is native to Kauai. The last time I was here, a florist told me they were trying to grow some on the Big Island but the smell is different. But M-Square doesn't really remember what a maile lei is. Getting one was such a big deal when I growing up, but then again I did live on the island that it's grown on.
I will write more later. Till then as everyone says here "Aloha and Mahalo".
Sunday, January 15, 2006
I had a great session with my screenwriting group. I brought my 7 page script and got great feedback on it. I also brought the screenplay I want to rewrite, and received many insightful comments on how to make that screenplay better.
I'm excited and can't wait to start writing. I'd like to write tonight, but I'm exhausted. I think I need to let the feedback I heard germinate in my brain. I don't want to get burnt out with my writing. That's my modus operandi, to dive in head first and let everything else go and I don't want to do that. When I do that, I get thoughts like "M-Square is a distraction to my writing and I can't have distractions in my life" or "I can't fulfill my writing goal and have a relationship at the same time."
Thoughts like these are bad for me. I've been down that road before, and I became resentful of my writing and stopped creating. I have to have moderation in my life, otherwise I become miserable. It's that compulsive personality of mine peaking through.
The "Or" world is a lonely world. The "And" world is much better. I can be a writer AND I can have a relationship with a man I love.
M-Square is so great! He totally trusts me and told me things about his life this week that he said he's never told anyone before. When he does this, I feel so loved by him. He also let me know early something that was going on his life this week, so I wouldn't worrry. This was a first for him, to tell me he was stressed out at work instead of him just shutting down and not telling me anything. We are definitely making progress! We are birthing a relationship that works for both of us. It is hard work, but at least we are making progress.
I am grateful for having him in my life right now. He rolls with my insecurities and foibles, and although I know it's not easy for him, he hangs in there with me. And I try to do the same for him. I am grateful that I haven't scared him off yet. Because god only knows, I am not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. It's been my pet theory for a long time that the person I end up with with in a long term relationship, is going to be a person that puts up with me and still finds it in his heart to love and appreciate the person I am.
It will 7 months for M-Square and I this month that we've been together. And yes I know we have a long-distance relationship and it's a little odd, but a really good friend of mine who has been happily married for several years started her relationship with her husband in exactly the same way. And today, they are the proud parents of adopted twin boys.
I don't know. As much as I want "normalcy" in my life, my life has been anything but normal. That has been my life, and I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for my "strange life". And I really like who I am, what I've accomplished in my life so far, where I am with my writing, where I am with my spirituality. So I'm like thinking why jinx it by wanting something different? It's been great so far.
Is this like a backwards thought or what? Somehow it sounds so untransformational and so strange coming from someone like me who has been pursuing self transformation since I was 13 years old. Maybe I am growing up a little. Maybe I am finally trying to accept who I am and trying to become comfortable in my own skin.
My first love Michael was right when he told me of this old french saying which goes something like "the more things change, the more they stay the same." I hate to think I haven't changed, but maybe I haven't. Maybe all I've done in my self-transformational journey is peel off all the layers of myself that I didn't like, that didn't fit, so I could reveal my true self. I like this explanation. Why should I spin a story about myself that's just going to send me the lowest depths of depression? Why shouldn't I spin a story about myself that makes me feel good? Why hit a strike when I can hit a run out of the ballpark? Life is all about how you spin it, isn't it? It's all about the spin.
I'm excited and can't wait to start writing. I'd like to write tonight, but I'm exhausted. I think I need to let the feedback I heard germinate in my brain. I don't want to get burnt out with my writing. That's my modus operandi, to dive in head first and let everything else go and I don't want to do that. When I do that, I get thoughts like "M-Square is a distraction to my writing and I can't have distractions in my life" or "I can't fulfill my writing goal and have a relationship at the same time."
Thoughts like these are bad for me. I've been down that road before, and I became resentful of my writing and stopped creating. I have to have moderation in my life, otherwise I become miserable. It's that compulsive personality of mine peaking through.
The "Or" world is a lonely world. The "And" world is much better. I can be a writer AND I can have a relationship with a man I love.
M-Square is so great! He totally trusts me and told me things about his life this week that he said he's never told anyone before. When he does this, I feel so loved by him. He also let me know early something that was going on his life this week, so I wouldn't worrry. This was a first for him, to tell me he was stressed out at work instead of him just shutting down and not telling me anything. We are definitely making progress! We are birthing a relationship that works for both of us. It is hard work, but at least we are making progress.
I am grateful for having him in my life right now. He rolls with my insecurities and foibles, and although I know it's not easy for him, he hangs in there with me. And I try to do the same for him. I am grateful that I haven't scared him off yet. Because god only knows, I am not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. It's been my pet theory for a long time that the person I end up with with in a long term relationship, is going to be a person that puts up with me and still finds it in his heart to love and appreciate the person I am.
It will 7 months for M-Square and I this month that we've been together. And yes I know we have a long-distance relationship and it's a little odd, but a really good friend of mine who has been happily married for several years started her relationship with her husband in exactly the same way. And today, they are the proud parents of adopted twin boys.
I don't know. As much as I want "normalcy" in my life, my life has been anything but normal. That has been my life, and I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for my "strange life". And I really like who I am, what I've accomplished in my life so far, where I am with my writing, where I am with my spirituality. So I'm like thinking why jinx it by wanting something different? It's been great so far.
Is this like a backwards thought or what? Somehow it sounds so untransformational and so strange coming from someone like me who has been pursuing self transformation since I was 13 years old. Maybe I am growing up a little. Maybe I am finally trying to accept who I am and trying to become comfortable in my own skin.
My first love Michael was right when he told me of this old french saying which goes something like "the more things change, the more they stay the same." I hate to think I haven't changed, but maybe I haven't. Maybe all I've done in my self-transformational journey is peel off all the layers of myself that I didn't like, that didn't fit, so I could reveal my true self. I like this explanation. Why should I spin a story about myself that's just going to send me the lowest depths of depression? Why shouldn't I spin a story about myself that makes me feel good? Why hit a strike when I can hit a run out of the ballpark? Life is all about how you spin it, isn't it? It's all about the spin.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Maybe this will be a good writing for year. As I was washing dishes earlier, I realized that I had fun tonight writing. I haven't had fun with my writing in a very long time. It's been such a chore these last couple of years, and my input has greatly suffered because of it.
I love that I left the world for about 3 hours. I didn't know that much time had passed till I looked up and noticed how dark it was outside and looked at my watch. I love when I disappear like that. It doesn't happen very often for me when I write, but when I do it's just an amazing feeling.
It's like I truly entered the world of my writing, and you know, it was an incredible trip! I hope it continues because I know I have so much damned hard work ahead of me to my writing to be very good. And if I'm having fun then maybe it won't feel so much like work and I'll write more. That's a thought huh?
I love that I left the world for about 3 hours. I didn't know that much time had passed till I looked up and noticed how dark it was outside and looked at my watch. I love when I disappear like that. It doesn't happen very often for me when I write, but when I do it's just an amazing feeling.
It's like I truly entered the world of my writing, and you know, it was an incredible trip! I hope it continues because I know I have so much damned hard work ahead of me to my writing to be very good. And if I'm having fun then maybe it won't feel so much like work and I'll write more. That's a thought huh?
I watched the movie "Collateral" last night. It was a good movie. Tom Cruise was fantastic. He makes a very good villian. His performance was almost as good as what he did in "Magnolia" and "Born on the fourth of July". I'm really getting into Jamie Fox as an actor. He is quite good. What was really great about the DVD was the director Michael Mann's commentary. His commentary was like a seminar on how to write a good screenplay. I returned it to Netflix, but I am contemplating buying it so I can listen to Mann's commentary again.
My Numbers Reading from Glynnis McCants
I bought Glynis McCants' numerology book, "Glynis Has Your Number", and found it fascinating, so I decided this year to get a reading of my numbers done. This is what she sent me. I think it is quite accurate.
EXPLANATION OF NUMBERS
Brenda's #'s
SOUL NUMBER - 9
What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.
PERSONALITY NUMBER - 5
A face you show the world.
POWER NAME NUMBER - 5
This number represents the strength of your name and tells a lot about who you are.
BIRTH-DAY - 6
The way you appear to people.
LIFEPATH - 7
The number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. The most important number in your personal Numerology.
ATTITUDE NUMBER - 7
The first impression people have when talking to you.
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SPECIAL NOTES
Brenda, when I see 7/6 as the birth numbers that means the person often feels "confused and not sure." I suggest when you make a decision, go with your first thought, and do not second-guess yourself.
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THE LIFEPATH NUMBER
The Lifepath is the number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. It is the most important number in your personal Numerology.
When you add together the month, the day and the year, you get your Lifepath Number, and that is the number that fulfills you. We call that number the Lifepath Number. That number is the most important number in Numerology. Always remember, what's going to make you truly happy is focusing on your Lifepath Number.
Brenda, Your Lifepath number is 7. Here is the description:
The "7" Lifepath:
The Faith Seeker
7s are here to learn to have faith. If they don't have faith they can't really be happy. If you have a 7 child, you'll notice when they sleep they really do look like angels, and this is because they have that energy. In fact when they grow up and become adults, you're going to continue to feel that beautiful spirit. If 7s have faith they tend to be very spiritual and you can learn from them. 7's are incredibly bright.
They have a powerful mind if they use it. If they don't believe in a higher power or they question the process of life, they are exhausting to be around. I honestly believe there are two kinds of people on our planet. We either thank God, or think we're God. Believe me, this is true for the 7. More than any other number, the 7 needs a strong spiritual base. 7's tend to escape, when they're off track, through drugs, alcohol, geography, or work.
It often seems that 7s are visiting from another planet in that they are the observer and commentator. This is a very direct number. 7s tend to tell the truth, and if they don't like someone, it is very obvious. 7s can have lethal tongues. They have a mental steel door. They can take you in, but if they decide they don't want you in their lives, they shut that door and that is the end of the relationship.
7s have a loner quality, and though they can be with people, they definitely like their time alone. Anything connected to the water: river, ocean, or lake, helps 7s to get out of themselves because they do tend to think too much. 7s are very intense, and just like the 4 vibration, over analyze every situation. They walk into a room and they see all of the details (as a result, 7s tend to be very good writers). They also become computer experts and scientists-anything involving technical work. 7s are good at discovering things. It would not be surprising, if the cure for AIDS is found by a 7 vibration. They come up with major solutions and don't necessarily know where the answer came from. It is because 7's are so linked to God when they are in the positive element of their number.
7s love natural beauty: the mountains, the snow, flowers, plants, green grass, and they definitely need to be surrounded by it. 7s have a wonderful love of simplicity, such as animals. They like the unconditional love that comes from pets, because they are not always good at understanding people's needs and wants.
7s like to have air of mystery and will do anything to keep the mystery. So the more you pry or ask questions, the more they shut down. It can be difficult for them but 7's like to have their own story and will not share it with everybody. They are exclusive. It's not uncommon for a 7, even in a marriage to sleep in a separate bed or even in a separate room, and this no offense to the spouse. 7s just need their own space. If you are in a relationship with a 7, don't take it personally when they do get so quiet. 7s are definitely assessing and dissecting al those thoughts and ideas.
7s might have trouble saying, "I love you," or praising their partner because they fear that if they do the person might feel too good for them and leave. The irony is that if the person leaves it's often because he feels undervalued and neglected.
This number is not known for cheating, and generally, the 7 is very loyal. 7s tend to work a lot too. That's their passion. 7s throw themselves into their work and that's because they think they have control there. 7s have the Peter Pan syndrome. They are children for life in many ways, and yet when they are children their parents often point out what old souls they are. 7's say things that are beyond their years. 7s have tremendous wisdom and insight, and when a 7 child tells you something, listen carefully. They tend to have intuition and know things without knowing why.
7's can be misunderstood because they have a quality about them that makes people feel judged in their presence. People may feel that they are cold or aloof, but I can tell you that they are truly just observing. Their silence can be powerful 7s are definitely opinionated and when they do speak they feel what they say matters.
Occupations for the 7: psychiatrist, psychologist, anything to do with the study of the mind. They have psychic ability, so they can excel at Numerology, Astrology, and Tarot card reading. A lot of 7s go into forms of radio or television broadcasting. This is interesting, because although they don't seek major attention, when they do speak, people want to listen to them. Other occupations would concern the mysteries of nature: oceanography, astronomy, geology, these are fields they excel in also.
How the Lifepath 7 gets along with each number:
Natural Matches: 1,5 and 7
Compatible Numbers: 4
Challenge Numbers: 2,3,8 and 9
LUCKY NUMBERS
Everybody wants to know which are the best numbers for winning. Your lucky numbers are based on your Lifepath.
I did some research in Las Vegas. Out of 100 people in a casino, 80 of those people had a 5 in their birth numbers. I also did a television segment called "Lucky Lotto Winners." I researched the birth numbers of the four million-dollar winners to search for a pattern, and all four were 5 Lifepaths.
I would caution a 5 not to play with "scared money," however, and that of course is money they need for rent or a car payment. Otherwise, I would say go for it because the odds seems to be in their favor.
If you're not a 5 Lifepath and you want to play, get a 5 Lifepath friend to bet for you.
Brenda, your Lucky Numbers are derived by the Lifepath #7.
Month: July.
Best days of the month the 16th and the 25th.
Days of the week: Saturday you do well with people. Sunday you should be alone or with a kindred spirit.
Lucky numbers for the 7: 7, 16, 25, 34, 52, 61, 70, 79, 88, 97, and 106.
THE SOUL NUMBER
What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.
Knowing your Soul Numbers is extremely important regarding you and your partner because it is what you feel inside. People may not see your Soul Number characteristics, but you will feel it on a deep level. Take a look at your Soul Numbers and know that this is the number that will lead you to inner peace.
Brenda, Your Soul Number is 9
My 9 soul is fulfilled when: I have resolved old family issues that have caused me pain. When I am living in the moment taking in everything that life has to offer me. When I am making a good living and it involves contributing to humanity.
THE PERSONALITY NUMBER
What is the Personality Number?
What is a Personality Number? When you add all the consonants of your name together you will get your Personality Number. This number tells you how you appear on the outside, that is to say, how the world sees you.
Brenda, your Personality Number is 5
You have an air of fun and energy that makes you a welcome addition to any party, and The 5 Personality is someone who wants to know where the party is! You are very clever and others enthuse to your ideas. 5s love excitement and you seek adventure, and failing that—a juicy secret, someone else’s adventure! Watch overindulgence, you can have an addictive streak. Unfortunately, you, yourself, can become easily bored. Try to find harmless things to refuel your interest—sports, movies, books are some suggestions.
THE POWER NAME NUMBER
What is the Power Name Number?
When you add the Soul Number and the Personality Number together and break it down to one digit you will get your Power Name Number. This number represents the strength of your name and lets us know who you are.
Brenda, your Power Name Number is 5.
The Power Name Number 5: This is a high-energy person. People can almost feel the electricity surrounding you. You can be an escape artist—it might be sex, drugs, alcohol, geography, or work. You are the celebrators of life; you want to travel, to see what’s out there. You love to make things beautiful. You are the master party decorator—and parties can bring gossip—another favorite of yours, as you love a mystery and dig for facts. Stay busy, and within reason keep those frequent flyer miles going.
THE BIRTH-DAY NUMBER
The Birth-Day Number is the day you were born. It is the way you look, and how people will perceive you at first glance. Since the Lifepath Number is who you really are, it is easiest when the Birth-Day Number is either a Natural Match or a Compatible vibration to your Lifepath.
However, if your Birth-Day Number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath, you will always baffle the people that are in your life. If this is the case in your own chart, just be sure to let people know who you really are (your Lifepath Number ). It will help you to avoid unnecessary heartaches/headaches throughout your lifetime.
Brenda, your Birth-Day number is 6.
The 6 Birth-day ( People born on the 6th, 15th, 24th)
People born on a # 6 Birth-day appear as a born nurturer, someone who craves love, friends, and companionship.When a 6 Birth-day walks in the room, people will feel your presence immediately.You have a dynamic energy. The world sees you as a solid personality, very responsible and capable of managing other people. A 6 birth-day will instinctively know how to deal with children.
THE ATTITUDE NUMBER
The first impression people have when talking to you.
If you look at the Lifepath Number of an individual that you want to understand better and it doesn't seem accurate, then study their Attitude Number (add month and Birth-Day together). Let's talk a little bit more about the Attitude Number. How to get it is to add the month and the day together and break that number down to one digit. For instance, for someone born on September 17th: 9 + 1 + 7 = 17 = 1 + 7 = 8 8 is the Attitude Number of a person born 9-17.
Brenda, your Attitude Number is 7
Attitude #7: It is hard to know what the 7 Attitude is thinking. They are very
selective with whom they confide in. However, they are very good at getting information out of other people.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanings of Repeated Numbers in your Chart
When a number repeats itself in your chart, pay special attention to it because it plays an important part in your character. This is especially true if the repeating number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath.
Brenda, your repeat numbers are 5 & 7
The repeat number 5 Means you must find ways to celebrate your life, and never let someone else control you. Go out and explore the world. Experience all that is new and exciting. Establish balance to avoid falling into a depression. The repeat number 7 Means you must have your time alone with nature in order find your true spiritual self where there is no hypocrisy. You must overcome your constant need to escape and find healthier outlets such as keeping a journal, going on a cruise, or exploring the Seven Wonders Of The World. No pun intended...:)
EXPLANATION OF NUMBERS
Brenda's #'s
SOUL NUMBER - 9
What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.
PERSONALITY NUMBER - 5
A face you show the world.
POWER NAME NUMBER - 5
This number represents the strength of your name and tells a lot about who you are.
BIRTH-DAY - 6
The way you appear to people.
LIFEPATH - 7
The number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. The most important number in your personal Numerology.
ATTITUDE NUMBER - 7
The first impression people have when talking to you.
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SPECIAL NOTES
Brenda, when I see 7/6 as the birth numbers that means the person often feels "confused and not sure." I suggest when you make a decision, go with your first thought, and do not second-guess yourself.
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THE LIFEPATH NUMBER
The Lifepath is the number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. It is the most important number in your personal Numerology.
When you add together the month, the day and the year, you get your Lifepath Number, and that is the number that fulfills you. We call that number the Lifepath Number. That number is the most important number in Numerology. Always remember, what's going to make you truly happy is focusing on your Lifepath Number.
Brenda, Your Lifepath number is 7. Here is the description:
The "7" Lifepath:
The Faith Seeker
7s are here to learn to have faith. If they don't have faith they can't really be happy. If you have a 7 child, you'll notice when they sleep they really do look like angels, and this is because they have that energy. In fact when they grow up and become adults, you're going to continue to feel that beautiful spirit. If 7s have faith they tend to be very spiritual and you can learn from them. 7's are incredibly bright.
They have a powerful mind if they use it. If they don't believe in a higher power or they question the process of life, they are exhausting to be around. I honestly believe there are two kinds of people on our planet. We either thank God, or think we're God. Believe me, this is true for the 7. More than any other number, the 7 needs a strong spiritual base. 7's tend to escape, when they're off track, through drugs, alcohol, geography, or work.
It often seems that 7s are visiting from another planet in that they are the observer and commentator. This is a very direct number. 7s tend to tell the truth, and if they don't like someone, it is very obvious. 7s can have lethal tongues. They have a mental steel door. They can take you in, but if they decide they don't want you in their lives, they shut that door and that is the end of the relationship.
7s have a loner quality, and though they can be with people, they definitely like their time alone. Anything connected to the water: river, ocean, or lake, helps 7s to get out of themselves because they do tend to think too much. 7s are very intense, and just like the 4 vibration, over analyze every situation. They walk into a room and they see all of the details (as a result, 7s tend to be very good writers). They also become computer experts and scientists-anything involving technical work. 7s are good at discovering things. It would not be surprising, if the cure for AIDS is found by a 7 vibration. They come up with major solutions and don't necessarily know where the answer came from. It is because 7's are so linked to God when they are in the positive element of their number.
7s love natural beauty: the mountains, the snow, flowers, plants, green grass, and they definitely need to be surrounded by it. 7s have a wonderful love of simplicity, such as animals. They like the unconditional love that comes from pets, because they are not always good at understanding people's needs and wants.
7s like to have air of mystery and will do anything to keep the mystery. So the more you pry or ask questions, the more they shut down. It can be difficult for them but 7's like to have their own story and will not share it with everybody. They are exclusive. It's not uncommon for a 7, even in a marriage to sleep in a separate bed or even in a separate room, and this no offense to the spouse. 7s just need their own space. If you are in a relationship with a 7, don't take it personally when they do get so quiet. 7s are definitely assessing and dissecting al those thoughts and ideas.
7s might have trouble saying, "I love you," or praising their partner because they fear that if they do the person might feel too good for them and leave. The irony is that if the person leaves it's often because he feels undervalued and neglected.
This number is not known for cheating, and generally, the 7 is very loyal. 7s tend to work a lot too. That's their passion. 7s throw themselves into their work and that's because they think they have control there. 7s have the Peter Pan syndrome. They are children for life in many ways, and yet when they are children their parents often point out what old souls they are. 7's say things that are beyond their years. 7s have tremendous wisdom and insight, and when a 7 child tells you something, listen carefully. They tend to have intuition and know things without knowing why.
7's can be misunderstood because they have a quality about them that makes people feel judged in their presence. People may feel that they are cold or aloof, but I can tell you that they are truly just observing. Their silence can be powerful 7s are definitely opinionated and when they do speak they feel what they say matters.
Occupations for the 7: psychiatrist, psychologist, anything to do with the study of the mind. They have psychic ability, so they can excel at Numerology, Astrology, and Tarot card reading. A lot of 7s go into forms of radio or television broadcasting. This is interesting, because although they don't seek major attention, when they do speak, people want to listen to them. Other occupations would concern the mysteries of nature: oceanography, astronomy, geology, these are fields they excel in also.
How the Lifepath 7 gets along with each number:
Natural Matches: 1,5 and 7
Compatible Numbers: 4
Challenge Numbers: 2,3,8 and 9
LUCKY NUMBERS
Everybody wants to know which are the best numbers for winning. Your lucky numbers are based on your Lifepath.
I did some research in Las Vegas. Out of 100 people in a casino, 80 of those people had a 5 in their birth numbers. I also did a television segment called "Lucky Lotto Winners." I researched the birth numbers of the four million-dollar winners to search for a pattern, and all four were 5 Lifepaths.
I would caution a 5 not to play with "scared money," however, and that of course is money they need for rent or a car payment. Otherwise, I would say go for it because the odds seems to be in their favor.
If you're not a 5 Lifepath and you want to play, get a 5 Lifepath friend to bet for you.
Brenda, your Lucky Numbers are derived by the Lifepath #7.
Month: July.
Best days of the month the 16th and the 25th.
Days of the week: Saturday you do well with people. Sunday you should be alone or with a kindred spirit.
Lucky numbers for the 7: 7, 16, 25, 34, 52, 61, 70, 79, 88, 97, and 106.
THE SOUL NUMBER
What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.
Knowing your Soul Numbers is extremely important regarding you and your partner because it is what you feel inside. People may not see your Soul Number characteristics, but you will feel it on a deep level. Take a look at your Soul Numbers and know that this is the number that will lead you to inner peace.
Brenda, Your Soul Number is 9
My 9 soul is fulfilled when: I have resolved old family issues that have caused me pain. When I am living in the moment taking in everything that life has to offer me. When I am making a good living and it involves contributing to humanity.
THE PERSONALITY NUMBER
What is the Personality Number?
What is a Personality Number? When you add all the consonants of your name together you will get your Personality Number. This number tells you how you appear on the outside, that is to say, how the world sees you.
Brenda, your Personality Number is 5
You have an air of fun and energy that makes you a welcome addition to any party, and The 5 Personality is someone who wants to know where the party is! You are very clever and others enthuse to your ideas. 5s love excitement and you seek adventure, and failing that—a juicy secret, someone else’s adventure! Watch overindulgence, you can have an addictive streak. Unfortunately, you, yourself, can become easily bored. Try to find harmless things to refuel your interest—sports, movies, books are some suggestions.
THE POWER NAME NUMBER
What is the Power Name Number?
When you add the Soul Number and the Personality Number together and break it down to one digit you will get your Power Name Number. This number represents the strength of your name and lets us know who you are.
Brenda, your Power Name Number is 5.
The Power Name Number 5: This is a high-energy person. People can almost feel the electricity surrounding you. You can be an escape artist—it might be sex, drugs, alcohol, geography, or work. You are the celebrators of life; you want to travel, to see what’s out there. You love to make things beautiful. You are the master party decorator—and parties can bring gossip—another favorite of yours, as you love a mystery and dig for facts. Stay busy, and within reason keep those frequent flyer miles going.
THE BIRTH-DAY NUMBER
The Birth-Day Number is the day you were born. It is the way you look, and how people will perceive you at first glance. Since the Lifepath Number is who you really are, it is easiest when the Birth-Day Number is either a Natural Match or a Compatible vibration to your Lifepath.
However, if your Birth-Day Number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath, you will always baffle the people that are in your life. If this is the case in your own chart, just be sure to let people know who you really are (your Lifepath Number ). It will help you to avoid unnecessary heartaches/headaches throughout your lifetime.
Brenda, your Birth-Day number is 6.
The 6 Birth-day ( People born on the 6th, 15th, 24th)
People born on a # 6 Birth-day appear as a born nurturer, someone who craves love, friends, and companionship.When a 6 Birth-day walks in the room, people will feel your presence immediately.You have a dynamic energy. The world sees you as a solid personality, very responsible and capable of managing other people. A 6 birth-day will instinctively know how to deal with children.
THE ATTITUDE NUMBER
The first impression people have when talking to you.
If you look at the Lifepath Number of an individual that you want to understand better and it doesn't seem accurate, then study their Attitude Number (add month and Birth-Day together). Let's talk a little bit more about the Attitude Number. How to get it is to add the month and the day together and break that number down to one digit. For instance, for someone born on September 17th: 9 + 1 + 7 = 17 = 1 + 7 = 8 8 is the Attitude Number of a person born 9-17.
Brenda, your Attitude Number is 7
Attitude #7: It is hard to know what the 7 Attitude is thinking. They are very
selective with whom they confide in. However, they are very good at getting information out of other people.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanings of Repeated Numbers in your Chart
When a number repeats itself in your chart, pay special attention to it because it plays an important part in your character. This is especially true if the repeating number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath.
Brenda, your repeat numbers are 5 & 7
The repeat number 5 Means you must find ways to celebrate your life, and never let someone else control you. Go out and explore the world. Experience all that is new and exciting. Establish balance to avoid falling into a depression. The repeat number 7 Means you must have your time alone with nature in order find your true spiritual self where there is no hypocrisy. You must overcome your constant need to escape and find healthier outlets such as keeping a journal, going on a cruise, or exploring the Seven Wonders Of The World. No pun intended...:)
I received an email from my screenwriting seminar leader this morning saying it's going to be a small group. She said that each participatnt would have more time tomorrow so we could bring extra stuff for review.
I think I will bring the second screenplay I wrote, which I still want to rewrite. I'll bring ten pages of it just to see what the group has to say about it. I like how the people in the group review. They are very detailed and their feedback is very concrete and not personal.
One of the women in the group, whose screenplay is now being shopped around to all the studios, said she rewrote her screenplay 100 times. I don't know if this is an exagerration on her part, but I got the picture.
My new screeenplay is the first one I have started writing, where I haven't written 15 versions of the step outline before I started writing. I've written one four page story summary and one step outline, and it feels like I'm flyind blind in my writing process. YIKES!
I think I will bring the second screenplay I wrote, which I still want to rewrite. I'll bring ten pages of it just to see what the group has to say about it. I like how the people in the group review. They are very detailed and their feedback is very concrete and not personal.
One of the women in the group, whose screenplay is now being shopped around to all the studios, said she rewrote her screenplay 100 times. I don't know if this is an exagerration on her part, but I got the picture.
My new screeenplay is the first one I have started writing, where I haven't written 15 versions of the step outline before I started writing. I've written one four page story summary and one step outline, and it feels like I'm flyind blind in my writing process. YIKES!
I went to Starfbombs and spent 3.5 hours writing 7 pages of my screenplay. Wow! The time just flew by. By the time I looked up from my laptop, it was dark and when I looked at the time it was 6:45 pm. I got so lost in writing my screenplay. I kind of love when I get that way, where I get so consumed I'm not aware of time or of anyone else around in the cafe. Except I did notice that I heard the same song by Al Green twice. Somebody forgot to change the cd.
I think I figured out how to fix my screenplay. I have to write out a 60-beat step outline to know if I really did find a way to fix my structural problems, but I have a good feeling about it.
I like my seven pages. They're not bad. I tried to not let it get it too talking heads, and kept my one long talking scene down to three pages, and I worked on showing and not telling.
Still seven minutes of screen time in 3.5 hours is not good production for me. At that rate, it will take me about three weeks to finish my screenplay. I think it will take me at least one week to iron out my step outline, and after that I can start writing in earnest.
Check it out.
FADE IN:
INT. SILICON VALLEY - DAY
A montage of scenes from Silicon Valley in late 1990’s, its successful companies, the high prices on NASDAQ, the houses, etc.
INT. ATHERTON - LATE AFTERNOON
WENDY JOHNSTON, a pert blonde with wavy perfectly styled long hair, is driving to her house in a brand new sky-blue Mercedes convertible. A very large diamond platinum engagement ring can be seen on her hand. She pulls into a gated driveway of a large two story mansion with columns and parks her car.
Wendy, who looks like she just leaped out of a fashion magazine ad, steps out of the car. She pulls various shopping bags from the car each bearing the name of a high-end store.
Wendy walks to the door of the house, opens it and we glimpse an interior that looks like a spread out of Architectural Digest.
INT. THE DINING ROOM WENDY’S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING
Wendy, attired n a designer 50’s retro cocktail dress and matching stiletto heels, arranges white french tulips in a crystal vase on the dining table. A paper bag from a gourmet grocery store sits amidst two place settings of special occasion very formal china, crystal and sterling silver with several matching serving dishes.
Wendy opens the bag and takes out containers of gourmet food and empties them into the serving dishes.
She then picks up the telephone on the side table.
WENDY (INTO THE PHONE)
Hi honey. Just calling to say hello. I’m just about through making dinner. Can’t wait to see you. Dinner is at seven. Love you.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - MID EVENING
Wendy is sitting on the sofa with television on mute talking with her friend JULIE ROTH (JULES for short). Jules, who looks like her red-headed twin sister, is dressed in figure hugging jeans and a glittery T-shirt and thigh-high black suede boots. Two half-filled wine glasses are on a table in front of the sofa.
WENDY
What do you mean give him an ultimatum? I can’t do that.
JULES
How many times has he done this? You can’t sit around here every night waiting for him to come home.
WENDY
But if I don’t have dinner waiting on the table when he gets home, he gets angry.
JULES
And how many times has that happened?
WENDY
Once, but once was enough.
JULES
If you don’t try to confront him now, he’ll never change. Is this how you want him to treat you?
WENDY
Of course not. But what if it doesn’t work? What if he gets mad and breaks up with me?
JULES
Trust me, he won’t. Most guys just need a little yelling at to keep them in place every now and then. And you’ve left it go far too long. You should have cracked the whip a long time ago.
WENDY
You don’t know Karl. He’s not like other guys.
JULES
Sure he is. Now promise me you’ll do it. Don’t look so worried. I’m telling you, I’ve done it and it works. Promise me?
WENDY
I promise.
INT. THE DINING ROOM - LATE EVENING
The dinner on the table has been untouched. An empty wine bottle is on the table. KARL WARNER, a thin tall mousey blonde of a man with glasses an overbite and pock-marked skin, enters the room and puts his beat-up canvas briefcase which has initials on the table.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM
Karl enters the room and sees Wendy asleep on the sofa with her heels on. He glances at the late night comedy show on the television and smiles as hears a funny line. Two empty wine glasses and a bowl with a few pieces of popcorn sits on the table besides two bowls stacked on top of each other filled with two spoons and an empty pint-sized ice cream container. Karl walks to the far end of the sofa and sits down and watches the end of the skit.
Afterwards he turns to the sleeping form on the sofa and tries to wake Wendy up. Wendy opens her eyes, sees KARL and sits up.
WENDY
What time is it?
KARL
After eleven. You missed a good skit.
WENDY
Why didn’t you call?
KARL
I was busy.
WENDY
Have you eaten?
KARL
We had pizza at the office. You had your usual dinner with Jules. Did you pick up my shirts today?
WENDY
What shirts?
KARL
The ones I told you this morning to pick up. I left reminder notes all over the house. (silence) I ask you to do one thing and you can’t even do it.
WENDY
This is the what? Let’s see. Three times a week every month for twenty-one months is roughly about 250 times that you forgot to call me and tell me you’d be late.
KARL
Don’t exaggerate. Besides it’s the not the same thing. I’ve got a job.
WENDY
Then why promise you’ll call if you don’t mean it?
KARL
Because you nag at me until I promise, that’s why.
WENDY
I’ve had it Karl. I’m tired of slaving hard at making a good dinner every night, setting the table, dressing up, and waiting for you to come home, only to have you walk in hours later without a call. It’s not fair to me and I won’t be treated this way.
KARL
So what do you want me to do?
WENDY
I want you to promise me you’ll call me if you’re going to be late, and don’t just say it if you don’t mean it.
KARL
And if can’t make that promise, then what?
WENDY
Then, I’ll leave, you know, move out.
Karl and Wendy sit in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Karl is watching the television, and Wendy looks down at the diamond engagement ring on her finger and turns it from side to side staring at the glittering lights winking back at her.
KARL
Is this an ultimatum?
WENDY
Yes.
KARL
You really want to do this?
WENDY
Of course.
KARL
If you’re than unhappy with me, then I think you need to leave. I really like you, but this is my life. I’m running a start-up company and it’s going to be like this at least for another couple of years. I’m sorry.
Wendy sits there with her mouth half open. She slowly stands up and leaves the room.
EXT. SUNNYVALE - DAY
We see a modest run-down 70’s style apartment complex somewhere in Sunnyvale. The freeway can be seen and heard behind the complex. Wendy’s Mercedes convertible looks out of place parked between the motorcycles, trucks and older model cars. Large hedges and trees in need of some serious pruning are scattered around the complex. We hear in the background a couple fighting, televisions blaring, Latino folk music playing and children screaming. A door to an apartment in open and we see a man sitting in an apartment watching television. A laundry line full of very colorful shirts is strung across the living room.
INT. WENDY’S APARTMENT
Wendy, dressed in gray oversized sweats with dark brown streaks in her blonde hair which is an early dreadlocked state, sits on a dime store sofa crying holding a picture of Karl. Used tissues form a cloud around her that spill on to the floor. Jules, dressed in an expensive skirt and top and red boots, sits beside holding a box of tissues.
JULES
How long are you going to keep this up? It’s been six months.
WENDY
Forever. I told he was different.
JULES
So why do you want to be with somebody who is that weird anyway? You have to get over with him. Come to a party with me on Tuesday. Lots of single guys will be there.
WENDY
I don’t want anyone else. I want Karl.
JULES
You’re never going to get him back with your hair like that. You look like you have birds’ nests on your head.
WENDY
It doesn’t look that bad. I just haven’t brushed it in awhile.
JULES
You didn’t make out too badly did you? He let you keep the car, the clothes and the jewelry, and he gave you a job at his company. You’re coming to the meeting tomorrow night aren’t you?
WENDY
I don’t know. I don’t think it’s helping me.
JULES
Of course it is. You just haven’t given it enough time. And try not to be late again.
INT. WENDY’S PLACE OF WORK - NEXT DAY
Wendy, dressed in modest blue skirt, blue skirt and white blouse with her hair in a bun, sits at desk outside of an office typing a memo. Her desk is a jumble of papers and files. There is an empty coffee cup on one side of her computer, and a half empty water bottle on the other side. A postcard of woman with frazzled hair with the caption “Bad Hair Daze” is tacked to back wall.
On the other side of Wendy is another desk where GLORIA, an older woman with teased-out bleached blonde hair wearing a too-tight cheap purple suit sits filing her nails and talking on the phone.
JOHN, a young file clerk, stops at her desk and puts a stack of files on an empty space.
JOHN
These need filing today.
Wendy glances over at Gloria.
WENDY
I’ve got a stack of letters that need to go out by 4 p.m. (Wendy glances at the clock) Can’t someone else do this?
JOHN
Jay says he want you do it before you leave. He says you know where they go, and he wants to be able to find them again someday. He’s your boss not mine. See you later.
John looks at Gloria, then back at her, smiles and walks away. Wendy looks at the clock, the stack of files, the stack of letters and keeps typing.
I think I figured out how to fix my screenplay. I have to write out a 60-beat step outline to know if I really did find a way to fix my structural problems, but I have a good feeling about it.
I like my seven pages. They're not bad. I tried to not let it get it too talking heads, and kept my one long talking scene down to three pages, and I worked on showing and not telling.
Still seven minutes of screen time in 3.5 hours is not good production for me. At that rate, it will take me about three weeks to finish my screenplay. I think it will take me at least one week to iron out my step outline, and after that I can start writing in earnest.
Check it out.
FADE IN:
INT. SILICON VALLEY - DAY
A montage of scenes from Silicon Valley in late 1990’s, its successful companies, the high prices on NASDAQ, the houses, etc.
INT. ATHERTON - LATE AFTERNOON
WENDY JOHNSTON, a pert blonde with wavy perfectly styled long hair, is driving to her house in a brand new sky-blue Mercedes convertible. A very large diamond platinum engagement ring can be seen on her hand. She pulls into a gated driveway of a large two story mansion with columns and parks her car.
Wendy, who looks like she just leaped out of a fashion magazine ad, steps out of the car. She pulls various shopping bags from the car each bearing the name of a high-end store.
Wendy walks to the door of the house, opens it and we glimpse an interior that looks like a spread out of Architectural Digest.
INT. THE DINING ROOM WENDY’S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING
Wendy, attired n a designer 50’s retro cocktail dress and matching stiletto heels, arranges white french tulips in a crystal vase on the dining table. A paper bag from a gourmet grocery store sits amidst two place settings of special occasion very formal china, crystal and sterling silver with several matching serving dishes.
Wendy opens the bag and takes out containers of gourmet food and empties them into the serving dishes.
She then picks up the telephone on the side table.
WENDY (INTO THE PHONE)
Hi honey. Just calling to say hello. I’m just about through making dinner. Can’t wait to see you. Dinner is at seven. Love you.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - MID EVENING
Wendy is sitting on the sofa with television on mute talking with her friend JULIE ROTH (JULES for short). Jules, who looks like her red-headed twin sister, is dressed in figure hugging jeans and a glittery T-shirt and thigh-high black suede boots. Two half-filled wine glasses are on a table in front of the sofa.
WENDY
What do you mean give him an ultimatum? I can’t do that.
JULES
How many times has he done this? You can’t sit around here every night waiting for him to come home.
WENDY
But if I don’t have dinner waiting on the table when he gets home, he gets angry.
JULES
And how many times has that happened?
WENDY
Once, but once was enough.
JULES
If you don’t try to confront him now, he’ll never change. Is this how you want him to treat you?
WENDY
Of course not. But what if it doesn’t work? What if he gets mad and breaks up with me?
JULES
Trust me, he won’t. Most guys just need a little yelling at to keep them in place every now and then. And you’ve left it go far too long. You should have cracked the whip a long time ago.
WENDY
You don’t know Karl. He’s not like other guys.
JULES
Sure he is. Now promise me you’ll do it. Don’t look so worried. I’m telling you, I’ve done it and it works. Promise me?
WENDY
I promise.
INT. THE DINING ROOM - LATE EVENING
The dinner on the table has been untouched. An empty wine bottle is on the table. KARL WARNER, a thin tall mousey blonde of a man with glasses an overbite and pock-marked skin, enters the room and puts his beat-up canvas briefcase which has initials on the table.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM
Karl enters the room and sees Wendy asleep on the sofa with her heels on. He glances at the late night comedy show on the television and smiles as hears a funny line. Two empty wine glasses and a bowl with a few pieces of popcorn sits on the table besides two bowls stacked on top of each other filled with two spoons and an empty pint-sized ice cream container. Karl walks to the far end of the sofa and sits down and watches the end of the skit.
Afterwards he turns to the sleeping form on the sofa and tries to wake Wendy up. Wendy opens her eyes, sees KARL and sits up.
WENDY
What time is it?
KARL
After eleven. You missed a good skit.
WENDY
Why didn’t you call?
KARL
I was busy.
WENDY
Have you eaten?
KARL
We had pizza at the office. You had your usual dinner with Jules. Did you pick up my shirts today?
WENDY
What shirts?
KARL
The ones I told you this morning to pick up. I left reminder notes all over the house. (silence) I ask you to do one thing and you can’t even do it.
WENDY
This is the what? Let’s see. Three times a week every month for twenty-one months is roughly about 250 times that you forgot to call me and tell me you’d be late.
KARL
Don’t exaggerate. Besides it’s the not the same thing. I’ve got a job.
WENDY
Then why promise you’ll call if you don’t mean it?
KARL
Because you nag at me until I promise, that’s why.
WENDY
I’ve had it Karl. I’m tired of slaving hard at making a good dinner every night, setting the table, dressing up, and waiting for you to come home, only to have you walk in hours later without a call. It’s not fair to me and I won’t be treated this way.
KARL
So what do you want me to do?
WENDY
I want you to promise me you’ll call me if you’re going to be late, and don’t just say it if you don’t mean it.
KARL
And if can’t make that promise, then what?
WENDY
Then, I’ll leave, you know, move out.
Karl and Wendy sit in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Karl is watching the television, and Wendy looks down at the diamond engagement ring on her finger and turns it from side to side staring at the glittering lights winking back at her.
KARL
Is this an ultimatum?
WENDY
Yes.
KARL
You really want to do this?
WENDY
Of course.
KARL
If you’re than unhappy with me, then I think you need to leave. I really like you, but this is my life. I’m running a start-up company and it’s going to be like this at least for another couple of years. I’m sorry.
Wendy sits there with her mouth half open. She slowly stands up and leaves the room.
EXT. SUNNYVALE - DAY
We see a modest run-down 70’s style apartment complex somewhere in Sunnyvale. The freeway can be seen and heard behind the complex. Wendy’s Mercedes convertible looks out of place parked between the motorcycles, trucks and older model cars. Large hedges and trees in need of some serious pruning are scattered around the complex. We hear in the background a couple fighting, televisions blaring, Latino folk music playing and children screaming. A door to an apartment in open and we see a man sitting in an apartment watching television. A laundry line full of very colorful shirts is strung across the living room.
INT. WENDY’S APARTMENT
Wendy, dressed in gray oversized sweats with dark brown streaks in her blonde hair which is an early dreadlocked state, sits on a dime store sofa crying holding a picture of Karl. Used tissues form a cloud around her that spill on to the floor. Jules, dressed in an expensive skirt and top and red boots, sits beside holding a box of tissues.
JULES
How long are you going to keep this up? It’s been six months.
WENDY
Forever. I told he was different.
JULES
So why do you want to be with somebody who is that weird anyway? You have to get over with him. Come to a party with me on Tuesday. Lots of single guys will be there.
WENDY
I don’t want anyone else. I want Karl.
JULES
You’re never going to get him back with your hair like that. You look like you have birds’ nests on your head.
WENDY
It doesn’t look that bad. I just haven’t brushed it in awhile.
JULES
You didn’t make out too badly did you? He let you keep the car, the clothes and the jewelry, and he gave you a job at his company. You’re coming to the meeting tomorrow night aren’t you?
WENDY
I don’t know. I don’t think it’s helping me.
JULES
Of course it is. You just haven’t given it enough time. And try not to be late again.
INT. WENDY’S PLACE OF WORK - NEXT DAY
Wendy, dressed in modest blue skirt, blue skirt and white blouse with her hair in a bun, sits at desk outside of an office typing a memo. Her desk is a jumble of papers and files. There is an empty coffee cup on one side of her computer, and a half empty water bottle on the other side. A postcard of woman with frazzled hair with the caption “Bad Hair Daze” is tacked to back wall.
On the other side of Wendy is another desk where GLORIA, an older woman with teased-out bleached blonde hair wearing a too-tight cheap purple suit sits filing her nails and talking on the phone.
JOHN, a young file clerk, stops at her desk and puts a stack of files on an empty space.
JOHN
These need filing today.
Wendy glances over at Gloria.
WENDY
I’ve got a stack of letters that need to go out by 4 p.m. (Wendy glances at the clock) Can’t someone else do this?
JOHN
Jay says he want you do it before you leave. He says you know where they go, and he wants to be able to find them again someday. He’s your boss not mine. See you later.
John looks at Gloria, then back at her, smiles and walks away. Wendy looks at the clock, the stack of files, the stack of letters and keeps typing.
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