I also picked up the book "Story" by Robert McKee, the screenwriting guru in the movie "Adaptation". He has a seminar in LA in December that I'm thinking of going to, just to see what he's like.

I read through McKee's book, and then got really, really depressed. Screenwriting is such hard work for me, and there's just so much work involved than I have the energy to put into right now. I just don't think I see stories visually. David Mamet said the same thing too, when he talked about translating his stage plays to screen. You have to be able to come out with a visual way to telling the story, instead of having the actors speak on stage.

At this point I just want to finish my baseball screenplay, send it off to that screnwriting teacher in LA to get an opinion, rewrite it based on his feedback, and then register the screenplay with Writer's Guild, and then finally submit it to this website for consideration, maybe send it off to a couple of agents in LA, and then be done with forever! And go back to working on my unfinished, count them, three novels.

I kind of feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall with the screenwriting thing. It's just not an easy style for me to write in. The only reason I'm writing the baseball story as a screenplay was because it made sense as a movie, rather than as a short story or a novel. It just intuitively felt like it was a visual story. If I could turn it into a novel, believe I would because screenplay writing is just no fun.

I will write one more screenplay, my endless love reincarnation comedy, because that's another story that only can only be told as a movie and not as a short story or novel, but that's it, no more screenplays. And no adaptations either of my novels either, let somebody else slave over that work.

I want to watch the GOP convention this week, and to write a screenplay I have to write at my computer at home, so I'll have the tv on in the background and I'll be writing away. Red-haired guy is on the road at some other trade show, so he won't be a distraction, and then he's going to see dad and brother out of state on Labor Day weekend, so I have all week and weekend to finish the screenplay.

I missed my red-haired guy, but at the same time I do have the freedom to work on my writing if he's not around. I mean, either way with him would be hard. If he was here and worked close by, I think I'd resent the amount of time I'd have to spend with him and how much it would take away from my writing. But he's not here and works in LA and travels for business a ton, and I resent how limited time we have to spend together. I can't win either way.

Red-haired guy's birthday is coming up, and I'm going to tell him how much I love him on his birthday. It's such a corny present I know, but I don't know, it feels like the right thing to do. He's already told he loves me and I haven't ever returned the favour, although I did say it a couple of times when I've left him voicemails.

And I do love him, because somehow in the last couple of weeks I felt my heart opening up physically and red-haired guy just kind of stepped in and now he'll be permanently lodged. Love is such a gift from god, and red-haired guy is definitely my gift. He came so unexpectantly, when I was really, really depressed at my wit's end in July, and I really didn't care about meeting another guy and was pretty much resigning myself to being single and alone. I don't know whether we have a future or not, but for the short time I've known him he's totally made me happy, plus he's already fulfilled some long held fantasies of mine. Gotta give the guy credit for that.

He's just so refreshingly honest, says whatever is on his mind, doesn't try to pull the Mr. Mysterious John Wayne thing, wears his heart on his sleeve, is so affectionate, doesn't hold back, and is just plain fun and exciting to be with. I never met a guy like him before, I didn't know guys like him existed, never knew what a joy and open person can be in one's life. He just totally opened himself up to me, and it's been impossible for me not to fall for him.

But just because I love him, doesn't mean we have a future. It takes more than love unfortunately to make a relationship work. And I want "bashert", my perfect fit, my perfect puzzle piece, and I won't settle for anything less. Red-haired guy may not be my perfect fit, but he'll always have a piece and place in my heart for the rest of his life. Now that's a nice birthday present isn't it? to know that someone out there totally loves and adores you for the rest of your life?