It feels really strange to think that my emotions can turn on a dime. I was in serious crush mode with the red-haired marina frat boy last week, and now it feels like it never happened and I’m on to the next thing. This turnabout of emotions makes me feel shallow and vapid, but perhaps it is the nature of lustful crushes rather than a personal failing on my part.

A woman who got into the elevator this afternoon with me at work, was so excited because she said that an elevator had never ever appeared for her just as she was coming out of the door. "When everything in your life works for once, it’s a good sign," she said, "And I just bought a lottery ticket too." I smiled and then I asked her, "What if everything is going wrong?" She laughed and said "Then that’s a bad sign".

So is this a good sign? On the way into work this morning on MUNI, I was sitting there reading the introduction to John Steinbeck’s "The Red Pony" and smiling to myself about this great line which read, "… both sustained a disillusioned view of the present by retreating into an invented past, where they could indulge in their romanticism unchecked by the considerations of verisimilitude." God, I love this line! Don’t you? I think this is how I like to write or would love to write. Who cares about writing in conjunction with reality when you can write and live in your own invented world?

Anyway, I just happen to look up and there was some cute guy staring at me across the car. He smiled at me and then I smiled back. But then as is usual for me, I didn’t think anything about it and went back to what I was doing which was copying the quote into my journal. But as I was copying the quote, I started thinking that I should really like smile more and give him, what red-haired marina frat boy called "my high wattage smile." But I was shy, and didn’t really do anything except glance up at him from time to time.

Then when he got off at Montgomery, I looked up at him and he smiled and I smiled back and then he was gone. Maybe my next fantasy is get chatted up on Muni. It’s never happened to me before, although it’s something I’ve always dreamed about. I just have to figure out how to get a guy to go from smiling to actually talking to me, and maybe my "high wattage like sunshine smile" is the way to go.