Maybe it's the full moon, but my life is one big traumarama.

Red-headed guy and I had huge fight at Gordon Biersch when he came to pick me up for lunch yesterday. What can I say about him? He's a bit of a slime, and it's a long stupid story that I'm not about to get into on this blog. He asked the waiter at Gordon Biersch for a knife to slit his wrist, and I told the waitress I lost my appetite. And I alternate between hating him and loving him, and thinking I really need to get myself back into therapy right now and break up with him.

So I pray, like I haven't been praying big time since we met, for JC to give me a sign of what to do. It's that catholic girl coming out in me; I need signs! So either the signs have been coming and I'm too blind to see them or they're not coming at all. Not quite sure which is happening. In my prayer and meditation, JC says "this is a holy relationship, a teaching relationship, and this is about surrendering to God's plan for my life." I don't know what the plan is, and from what I can tell it so doesn't make sense, and I all I can do is follow along. And JC reminds me constantly that "I've never been good ever at surrender and following his plans for my life". So maybe this is the only way he could get through to me ... I don't know.

All I know is my gut instinct tells me, screams at me, that this thing between us has to play out. Like Paul in the sci-fi series "Dune", my intuition keeps telling me "things must play out to their logical conclusion". To what conclusion I have no idea, but events have to unfold and I have to let them.

My brain however says a different thing, and my logical mind is fuming right now. My heart and body are way too involved, so they're no good.

But in the midst of the traumarama, I wrote six pages of my Texas novel last night. So maybe this has something to do with my writing, and if I can just focus on that everything else will work out.

Because my job is not the answer to making me happy; I've already been shown that. And I guess being in a relationship that heads towards marriage is not going to make me happy either, at least until I become serious about my writing.

Writing is the only thing that seems to make me happy these days, and it feels like the universe has backed me into a corner on this one. And I'm not happy about it. I'm sure JC is up there chuckling about it all, that he's got my number, that he's going to teach me a lesson in obedience, that he's the supreme ruler of my life, and that there's very little I can do about it, that he's had enough of my stubborn indepedent ways and my cunning ways of backing out of the plans he's had for me in the past.

Okay, so I'm putting an ultra spiritual spin on the messed up events of current life but there's nothing else that explains what the heck is happening right now. I get thrown for a humungous loop when events in my life unfold without making sense, and there isn't an instruction book out there for me to read from so I get it right. And I have to get it right, don't I?

So I'm back to typing up my notes for my Texas novel. I still can't get myself in the mood to write my screenplay, which is kind of annoying me. Oh well. I'm making myself work on it this week.

How sexy is this? The horse my male character is riding matches his hair colour. Oh my god, I just think that a guy riding a horse the same colour of his hair is just so darn hot! I don't know why I think it's hot, it just is. The image just seems to yummy looking! Talk about the perfect studmuffin image doubled!

Memo to guys: Take a play out of red-haired guy's play book and leave the following message on your girl's voicemail. It will melt her heart.

"You know how much I miss you? I miss you with all my heart."

Oh my god, it's soooo goofy and hokey, but so darn sweet! I just love this man!

I've in such a weird mood these last two days. Yesterday, I had low level anxiety all day. I was kind of freaked out abou the whole thing. It's like having the heebie jeebies all day, and not knowing why. I did wake up at 3 am yesterday morning, and maybe I missed my REM sleep. Who knows.

Then this morning I was a 3.5 hour conference call. That was way too long and by the end I was grinding my teeth and ready to jump out of my skin. That is just way too long to be on a conference call. And my heebie jeebies are still there. Damn!

Supposedly U2 is debuting their newest song the radio at 3 pm today, because some radio station in Croatio leaked the song internationally. The record company wanted to move the U2 play up because of the leak. Strange huh?

Just heard this in a song ...

"If Bill Gates got laid in highschool would he have started Microsoft?"

Hmmmmm .....

From LazyBoy, song title "Underwear goes on the outside of your Pants".

My LA Screenwriting Weekend Schedule:

Friday @ 1 pm
Passion into Product
Part#: EV1222
Following the model of his UCLA screenwriting seminars that have produced such writers as Pamela Gray, (A Walk On The Moon), Nicholas Griffin, (Matchstick Men) Sacha Gervasi (Terminal, starring Tom Hanks), Hal Ackerman, author of Write Screenplays That Sell...The Ackerman Way will talk about writing what you love and making it saleable.

HAL ACKERMAN has been on the UCLA Screenwriting faculty for 18 years. As a writer he has sold material to major studios, to Academy Award winning independent producers and to the major television networks. His fiction and non-fiction writing has appeared in numerous literary journals. An award-winning playwright, his work has been performed at the National Shakespeare Company. His one-man play, Blue Sundays: How Prostate Cancer Made a Man of Me, was recently introduced in Los Angeles.

Friday @ 3 pm
Character and the Nature of Conflict
Part#: EV1224
All drama is conflict. Without conflict you have no action. Without action you have no character. Without character you have no story. And without story, you have no screenplay. How can we integrate conflict into our character's lives to create maximum dramatic value? Using examples from The Pianist, Lord of the Rings, American Beauty, The Hours, and others, we'll explore various ways to integrate conflict into your characters throughline that will enhance your character's life within the parameters of your screenplay.

SYD FIELD has been acclaimed as "The guru of all screen writers" (CNN). He is regarded by many Hollywood professionals to be the leading authority in the art and craft of screenwriting in the world today. His internationally acclaimed best-selling books have established themselves as the "bibles" of the film industry, are used in more than 400 colleges and universities and have been translated into 20 languages. He is currently on faculty at the USC Master's of Professional Writing Program, and was the first inductee into the prestigious Screenwriting Hall of Fame in 2001.

Friday @ 5 pm
Evoking Emotion through Character: Crafting Complex Characters
Part#: EV1110
It isn't what happens to people on a page; it's what happens to a reader in his heart and mind. Expanding on the key element of all successful scripts, the reader's emotional experience, author Karl Iglesias will showcase techniques and tricks of the trade from highly successful screenwriters to instantly humanize a character, and achieve that elusive emotional connection. Topics will include character arcs and emotional courage, the emotional elements that create character, and the distinction between character emotion vs. reader emotion.

KARL IGLESIAS teaches at UCLA Extension Writers' Program, and is the best-selling author of The 101 Habits of Highly Successful Screenwriters. A graduate of Cornell University, he has worked as a script analyst and development executive for various production companies. As a script consultant passionate about great storytelling, he specializes in reader emotional response. He can be reached through his website at www.writinghabits.com. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Friday @ 7 pm
Welcome to the Dark Side
Part#: EV1288
There's an old adage that says you become what you fear. One of the great functions of story is to take us to places metaphorically where we're afraid to go in real life so that we can confront our deepest fears and expose them to the healing light of day. This course is designed to help writers gain greater insight into the symbolic value of the dark, Underworld side of nature in order to expose the life-affirming values of survival, liberation and redemption. We'll also look at the use of the dreaded duo in film: violence and sexuality. What value do they really hold, and why is our culture so afraid of them?

DARA MARKS has been consistently rated by Creative Screenwriting magazine as one of the best script consultants in the film industry. She has specialized in the analysis of the modern screenplay for the past two decades, and her clients range from top studio writers and executives to beginning screenwriters. Dara has worked for major Hollywood studios and is the author of a groundbreaking new book on her innovative, new approach to story structure and character development through a technique she calls The Inner Script. She was a STAR Speaker of the 2002 Screenwriting Expo.

Saturday @ 8 am
Stories that Touch Your Soul
Part#: EV1061
Why do some stories touch you and others don't? In this seminar, we will explore the spiritual, physiological, and psychological basis for good storytelling that transcends time, place, and cultures. And then, we will cover how you can apply these rules to make your stories resonate deeply with all audiences.

RICHARD KREVOLIN has taught at UCLA and USC Film Schools and is the author of the books, Screenwriting From The Soul, Pilot Your Life, and How To Adapt Anything Into A Screenplay. Richard has several screenplays under option and in development. He was a finalist for the $500,000 Kingman Screenwriting Award, the Chesterfield Screenwriting Contest, the Klasky-Csupo Screenwriting Contest, and the Nicholl Fellowship Screenwriting Award. In addition, he has consulted and conducts writers' workshops and seminars throughout the world. His website is www.profK.com and he can be reached at rich@profK.com. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Saturday @ 10 am
Robert McKee Lecture
Part#: EV1271
Robert McKee will be presenting a new and original lecture at Screenwriting Expo 3. Details are available at www.mckeestory.com.

Saturday @ 1 pm
Writing the Dramatic Truth
Part#: EV1004
Characters come alive in stories because they seek to resolve and fulfill issues of human need as simple as good versus evil to gaining understanding and acceptance. Understanding a character's dramatic truth and creating situations that compel characters to resolve their truths offers a key to creating dynamic, passionate characters. Populating a story with characters who embody opposing dramatic truths is a natural way to create compelling conflict. This workshop is designed to help writers see into the hearts of their major characters.

BILL JOHNSON is author of A Story is a Promise, a workbook that explores how to create dramatic, engaging stories. He's web master of Essays on the Craft of Dramatic Writing (www.storyispromise.com). Bill leads workshops on writing around the United States. He is a produced playwright, optioned screenwriter, and has provided coverage for manuscript submissions for literary agents. He's the author of a science fiction novel, The Combat Poets of Maya. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Saturday @ 3 pm
Claiming Your Creative Life
Part#: EV1098
All the seminars, books, and techniques in the world are of no use unless you can connect to your own creative energy. This seminar will help you awaken and develop that connection.

ALLEN D. KOEHN is a Jungian analyst with over 30 years experience working with successful writers, actors, directors, and others who seek to fulfill their creative potential. He leads several popular creative workshop/support groups. He is also available for individual creative coaching sessions.

Saturday @ 5 pm
Under the Covers and Up on the Screen: How to Write Intimate Scenes for the Movies
Part#: EV1071
Romance novels account for over 54% of paperback fiction. So how come so few of them get adapted to film? Maybe because no one knows how to craft intimacy and write credible screenplay sex. Less is more" is the focus of this workshop on bringing sizzle and sensuality to the cinema.

CHRISTINA HAMLETT is a former actress/director. She's an award-winning author and script coverage consultant whose credits include 17 books, 110 plays/musicals, 3 optioned films, multiple shorts, and columns that appear throughout the world. Her second screenwriting book, Could It Be a Movie, will be released in winter 2004 by Michael Wiese Productions.

Saturday @ 7 pm
Psychology of Subtext: How Characters Say What They Don't Mean
Part#: EV1118
My dialogue is flat. Every character sounds the same. The tone should change, but I don't know why. There's no conflict in the conversation. The exposition is obvious. The actors will take care of it, right?-These statements reveal that subtext and hidden needs might be lacking in your script, your characters' dialogue and action. Learn to write what isn't written-subtext, inner monologue, psychological action and response-from an actor and screenwriter, and how to make your characters' words and actions come to life and jump off the page.

SPENCER BEGLARIAN is a graduate of USC and Yale Drama School, and an award-winning screenwriter, actor, and educator who has been profiled in The New Yorker's "The Talk of the Town," Backstage West, and the LA Times. He recently wrote, produced, and directed a series of short comedic films for cable distribution, is in pre-production with one of his feature scripts, and is completing his documentary feature debut.

Sunday @ 10 am
Secrets of Hollywood Genres
Part#: EV1033
The first rule of the entertainment business is this: it buys and sells genres. Today's most popular movies are always at least one story form, and usually a combination of two or three. Problem: almost no one is an expert at the intricate array of beats, tricks and techniques required by the eleven most popular movie genres. Hollywood's top genre expert, John Truby, will show you some of the secrets of the most popular story forms in the entertainment business.

JOHN TRUBY is a screenwriter and author of the story software, Truby's Blockbuster. He has taught his story structure and genre courses, worldwide and online at www.truby.com, to over 20,000 students, including the writers of Shrek, The Mask Of Zorro, Sleepless In Seattle, Outbreak, Beetlejuice, and Nightmare On Elm Street. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Sunday @ 1 pm
Top Ten Reasons to Write With a Partner (and Finding the Right One)
Part#: EV1059
(Qty: 1 x $4.00)
Write with a partner and double your chance for success. How? Claudia Johnson and Matt Stevens, authors of Script Partners, explore the compelling advantages of co-writing scripts. Yes, you must find the right writing partner, so Johnson and Stevens will show you how. For solo writers considering collaboration-or the merely co-curious.

It's taken me a week, but I think I finally have my schedule of classes for the Screenwriting Expo 3 in LA the weekend of November 5-7. I'm such a sucker for famous people that I've signed up for classes with all the screenwriting big honchos like Syd Field, John Truby, and of course Robert McKee. After watching McKee portrayed in "Adaptation", I just have to find out if he's as intense as the movie portrayed him. If I like McKee well enough, I'm even thinking of heading out to Vegas in December to take a three day class from him.

Some of the classes I really wanted to take are advertised as "Professional Level Seminars: appropropriate for writers who hav eat least optioned one script". And I'm like darn, I guess that's not me. Those "Pro" classes are the most intersting ones though. When I looked at my final class schedule, all of my classes are in the "Advanced Level Seminar" category, appropriate for writers who have finished at least one script.

Besides famous people, most of my classes are being taught by either people who teach screenwriting courses at UCLA or have written screenwriting books that I've heard about.

The one fun thing that I'll probably be attending instead of a class is watching Jerry Lewis receive a lifetime achievement award. I'll probably do the same thing as my roommate for the weekend, sign up for a class and then blow it off to check out Jerry Lewis. Gotta see the guy before he keels over, and besides I've always loved his movies.

My roommate warned me not to sign up for any 8 am classes, because she said last year she was up partying all night. There are some really good seminars at 8 am however, and I might just sign up for them just to see if I can make get to them. I'm sure if I don't make it, I won't be the only person missing classes that weekend.

I'm excited because it's so fun to take classes, learn new things and meet other writers who are working on their craft. I'm hoping the experience will give me perspective that the writing life isn't so lonely after all, if there's all these other people spending their nights staring at their computer screens hoping, praying, desperately pleading that the writing muse will visit them tonight.

I think I read somewhere that the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy gang is going to start a new show called “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl”, and I can’t wait. I want Carson to just go off on women who wear those ped socks with shoes for the sockless look, which has reached pandemic levels in San Francisco.

Okay the thing about those ped socks, is I don’t think the rest of the world is supposed to see them. They’re supposed to be hidden, out of sight, otherwise you don’t quite achieve the “sockless, I don’t wear socks look”. But not in San Francisco. Like oh my god, those ped socks are visible on every woman wearing them. And you know what, they look pretty dang awful. Not only do they so not look like you’re not wearing socks, it looks you’re trying too hard to not look like you’re wearing socks and badly, badly, seriously failing.

And women in San Francisco wear that I’m failing to achieve the sockless look proudly. Like they think it’s so darn stylish to appear as a one huge fashion disaster.

I must admit I myself bought some of those ped socks, and tried it with my shoes. After two hours, I decided I had wasted my money because there was no way I was every going to look I was going sockless with the current shoes I owned. So my peds sit in my sock drawer until I can buy shoes that will achieve the perfect sockless look. And the manufacturers have the worst colors too. It's either black, white or some odd shade of tan than I've never seen on any living human being.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not into walking around looking like I’m failing at wanting to look like I don’t wear socks with my shoes.

I am in love, and it’s so unbelievably glorious. I never thought I could ever fall in love like this, where it’s exactly like what has been described in verse, song and books since time immemorial. But it’s more than that, it’s just fun, fun stuff. And this is only the beginning too. I’m like what if this continues and keeps getting stronger as the months go by. I’m so in love I’m starting to think that not having prenup might be okay, only because I know the red-haired guy isn’t going to ream me over money. But I’ll make that decision when the time comes, if we ever end up going down that road.

Yes, red-haired guy and I are still together. We had a bad moment where I saw his worst side and he saw mine, and then we both apologized and then we made up and it’s all better now, much better. Poor guy. His brother had some major, major unexpected surgery, so he was totally freaking out and not calling me. And then I got so freaked out because I hadn’t heard from him in awhile, and I jumped to the conclusion that he was trying to ditch me but couldn’t bring himself to do it and had decided to just stop calling.

But then he called and said he was a “bad, bad, bad boy”, and I said to him “I was a bad girl too” because I did feel guilty for throwing a major insecurity fit on him. Then when he told me his family trauma story, I felt so guilty. Then we saw each other the next day and we had a fantastically fun make up date, and I’m back in love and very, very happy. And now he’s planning all these romantic mushy dates, because he’s the romantic one in the relationship and I’m like so grateful because I’m not romantic at all. And of course like any silly girl, I'm thinking I think I really want to marry my red-haired boy some day and we're going to be together till we're old and gray. And red-haired guy keeps telling me we're going to be together till we're 80 years old. And life is good for now.

Saturday I went to a mall in the East Bay specifically to compare the Dell laptop I wanted, and then go next door to the new Apple store to compare it to the Apple ibook G4. Of course, the best laid plans never pan out.

The Dell people didn't have the laptop I wanted because as the salesperson said, it's not a popular model and Dell doesn't know how the sales are doing. She said they might be getting it in a few months. She told me I could just order it online, and then if I didn't like it I could get a full refund in 30 days. Whatever!

Then I went to the Apple store where there was a line because the store was just opening that morning. I got a free t-shirt, and checked out the iBook G4 again.

I hate when I can't do comparison shopping. I want to be able to pick up the Dell laptop, and feel it in my hands and think about whether it's something I wouldn't mind carrying around in my bag every day. I pick up the ibook G4 and it's bulletproof casing built to take abuse by students, and I see myself carrying it around. I'm not in love with the touchpad, never did like those things but I suppose I would get used to it.

So still no laptop. I read reviews of both on C/net and the Dell laptop kind of got a bad review for it's bad battery, easy to dirty screen and its three-prong cord. The Apple iBook didn't fare that well either.

I hate when I can't buy something that I want. There's something seriously wrong with that. I have this vision of a laptop I think I need, the world is getting in my way.

These Springstein songs remind me of my college boyfriend Drew from Bergen County, New Jersey. I have memories of us in Paramus Park Mall on Christmas eve shopping for presents of each other, and then how it was snowing when we left and how we were sliding backwards down this hill. Then driving across Jersey to visit some friend of his who lived next to a Hershey chocolate factory I think, and having to throw coins into all those darn toll booths. And hanging with him and his friends on some corner of some North Jersey town, me wearing his leather jacket and me thinking I was reliving part of some Bruce Springstein song. And that weird friend of his that I only met once and who we ran into at some classic american diner. As soon as we entered the diner, the guy comes up to us and says to me “I never forget a pretty face”. Like whatever.

Drew was going to school in South Jersey, and I stayed at his house at spring break. We tripped on shrooms and drove into Atlantic City at midnight with some friends of his, and wondered around the casinos. We watched some mafia types, all in dark suits and looking pretty dangerous playing Baccarat. Then I freaked out about the crippled woman manically playing on some giant slot machine in the front of one of the casinos.

Then we went to get something to eat, and everyone got carded except for me and Drew. The doorman took one look at us and waved us through. Drew and his friends spent an hour speculating why we didn’t get carded when everyone else did. They came to the conclusion that there must be unspoken rule in Atlantic City than when a guy is out with a jailbait looking girl, no one asks any questions. Drew’s friends thought I looked like I was in junior high.

What a fun night. That was the first time I had french fries with melted cheese on top. Then we went walking along the jersey shore and on the boardwalk, and then to a donut shop to eat donuts because we were all still starving.

I'm listening to the Bruce Springstein cd "Born to Run", and it makes me feel like I'm a college kid because that's when I think started listening to his music. My first roommate in college had picture of "The Boss" all over our dorm room. Paula was such a Chi-town North Shore girl, wishing she was a leather clad chain-smoking jersey girl. I only started liking Springstein because I was forced to listened to him for two semesters. I was a mod/goth girl wearing fishnets, clunky 60's shoes, hats with veils, and listening to The Cure, The Clash, Pere Ubu and Joy Division.

I've never understood the appeal of listening to only music from your past. It's kind of fun once in a while to listen to the music of my youth, but then I get depressed. I feel like another Springstein song "looking back on my glory days". And I'm like my "glory days" keep on happening, so what is there to look back at. And my best "glory days" are yet to come, and will keep on happening until that day I drop dead.

Whatever.

My all time favourite Bruce Springstein song "Meeting Across the River" is on this cd. I love this song. It still chokes me up whenever I hear it; the desperation in this song is so palpable. I think we've all been in this guy's position at some point in our lives, maybe more time than we would ever care to admit.

Just when I was all excited and set to buy a Mac laptop, a friend of mine told me that Dell just cut the price on their four pound laptop. It doesn't have a cd-rw like the Mac I-Book G4, but the price is pretty darn comparable because I wouldn't have to buy extra software.

I could buy a Dell laptop Inspiron 700m with Windows XP for Home for about $1,200. I have a Windows XP Pro installation disk at home, so I could upgrade it myself and I could load all my old MS Office 2000 software on it, as well Final Draft 6 which I can install on two computers. This laptop has a 12.1 inch screen like the Mac.

But not having a cd-rw is kind of a drag I think. Plus, I was thinking I could load mp3s on my mac laptop and use it like an I-Pod since I plan to carry the laptop around with me most of the time.

Decisions, decisions. There are two Dell stores in the area, which makes me think I need to check one of them out to see the Dell laptop in person this weekend. The stores are each an hour outside of San Francisco, but I need to see a Dell laptop in person so I can compare it to the Mac I saw in the Apple store on Union square.

My friend was telling I'm just inviting file transfer problems if I have a Mac laptop and a pc desktop. But the guy at the Apple customer service told me that the transfer issues have been taken care of.

I don't why people make such a big deal out whether you're a mac user or a pc user. I started out using a mac, and then I had to switch to a pc, but with the advent of windows, there really isn't that much of a difference I think.

I'm also defintely getting a new palm with a fold up keyboard. I need a new palm anyway, and I might as well get the fold up keyboard for those days when I don't feel like lugging around a laptop.

Something about my apartment is just not conducive to me writing. I can type out my handwritten notes at home, but writing on the computer is just next to impossible I’ve decided. Not sure why this is happening either, but it’s definitely happening. I kind of think it’s because I spent a year working at home, and I’m still suffering from the effects of that whole experience. Not being able to write at home is such a drag, because sometimes it just works better if I can type on a computer and hand write everything by hand.

So I’m looking at two options to my writing dilemma. The first option is two buy a new palm pilot with a fold up keyboard. I met a woman in my science fiction writing class who wrote all her short stories this way, and wrote a 200-page novel on her Handspring Visor. She carried her visor and fold up keyboard in her purse and since it’s so compact and small, she carried it everywhere.

I’ve been looking at the new palm pilots, and my current favourite is the Tungsten E. It’s not prohibitively expensive, and features a colour screen. I’ve been thinking it would be fun to have a palm pilot to check email or surf the net, but I don’t need all those bells and whistles if I all I want to do is use my palm pilot to type out my stories.

My second option, and one that I’m seriously considering, is getting a Mac laptop. It’s been a fantasy of mine to own a Mac laptop. I have a pc at home, but I’ve always wanted a Mac laptop. I looked at the I-book at the Apple store, and it’s so small and light and not expensive at all compared to comparable pc laptops.

I have to buy Office for Mac to make sure I can trade files back and forth, and I probably have to upgrade my Final Draft screenwriting software so I can use it on both a Mac and a PC. Final Draft 7 is cross platform, and with one license you can install it on both a Mac and a PC. This must mean I’m not the only one who has a pc and a Mac.

I’m definitely getting a new palm. But I’m still up in the air on the Mac laptop. I just wish PC laptops weren’t so expensive compared to a Mac laptop, because then I’d probably get a PC laptop. But that Mac price is just so attractive!

I'm really getting exciting about that screenwriting expo I'll be attending in November. I think Andrew Sorkin Aaron Sorkin, creator and writer for "The West Wing" is going to be there, but lots of other famous Hollywood celebs and writers.

I'm turning into my younger sisters, who are rail thin (one is a size 2) and who have major anxiety stress problems. I thought my anxiety would go away today, but it's like not. It's so weird to feel like you want to constantly jump out of your skin. My youngest sister has heart palpitations, when she get nervous and says it's the worse feeling.

I think I'm going through the same thing. All day long my heart's been like jumping and racing around. It's the weirdest feeling, and so unnerving. I hate it, and I'm like I think I really need to see a doctor and/or a shrink.

I started keeping a journal just for writing, where I write to myself about what I'm working on. John Steinbeck kept one, as well as other famous writers.

So I was writing an entry this morning on my commute to work, when I figured something I didn't know about my own writing process. I need to keep writing, even if it's not on the project I want to write about. I think I got kind of stuck on wanting to only work on one project at at time, which is so not the way I normally work on projects at work. At work I have to work on several projects at a time, doing a little bit here and there to keep up with my deadlines.

I have to adapt my job working style to my writing style, so I don't have to invent a new way of working for myself. Sounds so simple doesn't it, but I so did not get this before. And I need to take into account that I have a short attention span with everything, and only do well with short term projects or long term projects broken into short term projects.

If I'm always writing, I'll have a backlog of projects that need typing up or editing. So when I'm in a phase like I am where I can't write anything new down, I can keep up with my writing because I'll always have work that needs typing up or editing. So I won't feel guilty for not writing because I'll always be working on a project related to my writing.

I think this is a brilliant insight, and something I wish I'd gotten five years ago. But oh well. Better late than never, I suppose.

I took the enneagram test four years ago, and I tested as an enneagram personality type four - The Artist, creative, intuitive, introverted depressive, with a Five wing, The Thinker, perceptive, analytic, eccentric, paranoid.

I felt so depressed this weekend. I had anxiety coursing through my body since Friday. I haven't had an anxiety attack in years. Breaking up with someone is so hard. It brings out every abandonment experience in my past. It doesn't matter if I was breaking up with someone because it was the best and right thing for me to do, I still feel abandoned.

In my depressive state, I read my enneagram book and here's one of the recommendations for personality type four that I should follow for my writing.

Avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood." Commit yourself to productive, meaningful work that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small the contribution may be. Working consistently in the real world will create a context in which you can discover yourself and your talents. (Actually, you are happiest when you are working - that is, activating your potentials and realizing yourself.) You will not "find yourself" in a vacuum or while waiting for inspiration to strike, so connect, - and stay connected - with the real world.

I've been trying to work on my screenplay, but it's been slow going. I edited it a ton, but I still can't get into the mood to starting writing it again.

So now I'm back to my Texas novel, and typing up the pages I wrote back in the beginning of the year. When I write things out by hand, when I retype it it's like I'm doing another edit. It's weird to read chapters I wrote back in January and February, and then type it and edit now in September. 1,144 words typed and edited so far.

Sometimes even good things must come to an end, especially when they stop becoming fun. So red-haired guy and I are over ... big surprise. He was such a rush, but with every good rush comes a downer.

After that first boredom level, combined with his lack of communication and busy schedule, I decided that bowing out was better. Perhaps he decided this as well, and took the easy way out. Last weekend, all my girlfriends told me stories about guys who they dumped after all the attention stopped. It was like a national epidemic, and I guess I was a statistic.

But we did have fun, and it was a rush and we got some loving in, but now it's time to come back to the real world. I'm having a ton of anxiety about it all. Breaking off a relationship no matter how short is so anxiety producing. It's been such a weird weekend.

But maybe it was all worth it, because now I'm in such a mood to write. Gotta love a guy who puts me in the mood to write. I still really like the red-haired guy, but our dating styles just don't match. As someone once wrote, "you should be in a love relationship with someone whose addictive programming, whose issues you can live with". I think this statement is true, and I just couldn't live with red-haired guy's issues. I still love him, but he's just not dating material.

Not really sure if he's even story material yet except for our first meeting, but maybe that needs time to percolate. What a rush that boy was! A fun rush, but rushes just can't last, can they?

This is just me, but I know part of me is already kind of bored with the red-headed guy. 50 days and I've reached my first boredom level. This always happens with me, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the guy. It's just my thing. I think it's my way of claiming back my sense of self, and stepping back from a relationship because I'm like ready to kind of move on to the next thing. Maybe not necessarily a new relationship, but definitely something new to think about other than my red-headed guy.

I've been in such an insecure dour mood lately. I hate when that happens. Poor red-haired guy, I'm sure he's like not happy with me. But today I feel much happier.

A friend and I are jetting down to LA the first weekend in November to attend the Creative Screenwriting 3-day expo. I'm excited. Three days of screenwriting classes with everything from character development, dialogue to marketing. And my friend says there are parties afterwards, and we're going to stay in the hotel where all the parties are at so we can stumble back up to our room at 1 am. My friend says she partied every night and blew off her 8 am classes, so she warned me about taking early classes.

I'm bad because the thought that keeps running through my head is "I'll meet guys, writing guys, maybe an editor/writing guy which is like my total fantasy life partner." I'm pretty darn sure red-headed guy will probably still be in life come November, but can't a girl still dream? Red-headed guy is great, but he's not a writer. I've been meaning to ask him if he wouldn't mind reading some of my stuff so I could get his feedback, but I don't know if I want to go down that road yet.

As much as I bitch and moan about my red-haired guy, I am so glad he's in my life. He's been one learning lesson after another for me. I've learned so many things about myself in my dealings with him. And he really lets me by myself without judgement, and I'm learning to appreciate things about myself that I didn't know were good qualities.

Like how I chased him down. What a great balm I must be to this guy's ego, because I so chased him down and made him think he was the best thing since sliced bread. What guy wouldn't want some girl that he thinks is attractive calling him constantly and telling him how much she wants him? And telling him how funny he is, how attractive, how he's just perfection on earth. Any person would want that I think.

And I forgot how much I actually enjoy pursuing a guy and being the hunter, rather than being the one hunted. In college, I did most of my hunting and I was much happier that way. And my aggressive hunter skills have only been honed working in corporate America, so it's a role I kind of enjoy playing anyway.

My friends will tell you that when I get an idea into my head, I usually just go for it. When I see what I want, I go out and get it. Why wait around if you know that's what you want. And red-haired guy is definitely somebody I want right now, big time. For how long, I don't know. But in the meantime, I am reliving my college days and am having a blast being the aggressive girl who my best friend and first love dubbed "his little royal canadian mounty" because he said "I always got my man."

Reader Beware! Delusional writing ahead ...

So like this is my blog, and I’m about to write about something that probably no one would ever understand unless you have these abilities. But this is only place I can vent about this kind of stuff. I used to have a friend who I could talk to about these things, because she had the same abilities only more developed than mine, but she died and now I have no one to talk to.

So I have some psychic abilities, and I’m very empathic. Remember that empath chick from a very early episode of Star Trek. She could pick up wounds from other people and heal them. Well, I kind of do the same thing only psychically. My abilities are not as developed as others, thank God, because that means I can function in the world.

I had a friend in college whose abilities were so developed she could just look at someone and see a vision of when they were going to die. When she was younger, she used to try to warn people not to do stuff that might get them killed. Sometimes they listened and sometimes they didn’t, and it got her in a ton of trouble. Most people completely fear someone who can see the future that clearly. She told me that she had to learn to turn it off, to stop absorbing vibrations from other people because it was just an awful experience which made her physically ill.

I have to be very careful of whom I associate with, because I cannot be around people who have a lot of anger in them or a lot of emotional stuff going on. It’s just too much for me to take, and I can easily get caught up in people’s traumas and dramas. My abilities aren’t developed enough to where I’m incapacitated by what I pick up, but I still pick stuff up constantly.

I couldn’t go near the Vietnam Memorial in DC when I first went to visit. There’s like a wall of pain surrounding whole place, and when I got within a 100 feet of it I started crying and feeling miserable. I probably couldn’t even get near the World Trade Center disaster without freaking out. There usually has to be a lot of pain around something for me to have a reaction, but sometimes when I leave myself too open, it doesn’t take very much to get me going.

I think love relationships are especially hard for me, because I’ll start psychically bonding with a guy right away. I’ll be able to pick up when they’re thinking about me, and I’ll start getting caught in their dramas. It’s so hard too in the beginning of any love relationship because it’s so natural to want to bond, to merge your being with the other person totally. But with me, the merging is more than bodies and emotions; it’s like the person is inside my head.

It’s so hard to explain. I can’t put into words what I feel because it happens at such a subtle level, and because my abilities aren’t developed enough to where I see visions it’s hard to describe. Most of the time, I can ignore it and not pay attention. But as I get older, I can’t ignore the abilities any longer. I don’t know if it’s because my defenses are more vulnerable or if it’s because my abilities are just increasing, but I am forced to pay attention when someone is literally in my space.

So like it’s happening with the red-haired guy, and he’s like showing up in my meditations and I feel so enmeshed with him. At first, I didn’t like it because it’s just no fun feeling other people’s feelings. I feel things that I know are not coming from me, but from someone else, and that’s the best way I can describe it because when I clear myself, I don’t have the same feelings anymore.

So I had to cut the psychic cording and ties with the red-haired guy last night. I just couldn’t take that he’s in my head. It’s not that I don’t like him there, but having him there just so drains my energy. Plus, we were getting into some weird kind of control drama with him and I needed to withdraw for my own sanity. I like him a ton, but I don’t want to get caught up in his stuff, his way of being.

I kind of feel bad that I did it, and I have to keep doing it because I can feel red-haired guy trying to rechord, reattach to me. It feels on some level that I’m betraying him, but I just can’t have my energy, my emotions so caught up with him. I need my space; I need my psychic and mental space back. I like this guy so much, and I don’t want to get to the point where I start to resent and hate him because he’s too much into my space. I’m starting to feel suffocated, resentful, and controlled. And besides that, he’s zapping whatever energy I have left at the end of my work day that I need for my writing. I need a lot of mental and psychic energy to write, and I don’t need someone draining it all away.

I feel like Virginia Woolf’s character, Mrs. Dalloway. I don’t want to be with someone who smothers me emotionally, and most of all psychically. Red-haired guy is so emotional, and he has a very strong dominating mind. It would be so easy for me to lose my self, my personality in him, and I just don’t want to do that. Because once I get lost, I have to get out and I really like this guy and right now I’d like him to be in my life for a long time.

Even as I write this, it all sounds so new-agey woowoo and weird. I just don’t know how to explain it any other way. I would never tell red-haired guy any of this because he’d probably freak out. But he did tell me himself that when he travels for business, he doesn’t like to stay in his hotel room because he doesn’t like the vibes in the room that are left by the other people who’ve stayed there. Still, it all sounds so delusional somehow.

My friend Amy would get exactly what I’m talking about, and it’s times like these I wish she was still alive so I could have someone to commiserate with me.

So I'm thinking it would be fun to get a business license and set up a sole proprietorship business for my writing, so I have the feeling that my writing is a real business. So I'm there researching setting up my own business and it all feels so cool and groovy, until I get to the part that talks about marriage.

Because of many states' community property law, California included, my writing business would be considered community property by my husband and he would be considered a joint owner of my business. I don't like this.

We're talking intellectual property rights here, meaning mine. Why should my husband be entitled to half my intellectual property, which is like half my brain, half my imagination, half my creative process. It just doesn't sound fair! There's got to be some new laws about intellectual property and community joint property.

I've signed a ton of intellectual property rights contracts in my working career, so intellectual property rights law you would think should be pretty extensive. What is the business sense in having a spouse co-owner of the other's spouse's intellectual property? It's not like he's there when you make the stuff up in your head, and he might not even help edit your writing anyway.

There's got to be a way to set up a business as a sole owner, without the business being subject to community property laws. Money and love so do not mix well.

So I broke down and bought some Bruce Springstein cds. The music club I belong to was offering "Essential Bruce Springstein" on sale, so I got that. But it didn't have one of my favourite Springstein song "Meeting Across the River" on the "Born to Run" cd so I bought that. Then I thought, I should also pick up "Tunnel of Love" because it's my favourite Springstein cd.

I kind of like the song "Jersey Girl" too. I love the line "leave the kid with your mother tonight". Oh well, maybe next time.

I went with some friends to a picnic in Golden Gate Park, and we drove around in my friend's Audi A4 Cabriolet convertible. Wow, what a cool car to tool around the city in. I don't normally like convertibles, but her Audi A4 was so hot. It was sporty, and she had red leather seats installed and I was so in love with her car.

What a dreamy car! It's totally impractical for San Francisco city living, but she lives down the peninsula so for her it's a great car. She's always owned a convertible, and this is her third one.

I went to visit a friend in Oakland, and all day long all I wanted to hear was REM's "Losing my Religion". So now I have "Out of Time" on, which has my favourite REM song "Shiny Happy People". Not sure why I wanted to hear an REM song all day though.

My brother called me tonight, and he is just the greatest and sweetest brother a girl could have. His birthday is on Tuesday, and he's sending me some Hawaiiana stuff for my kitchen because he knows I'm collecting that kind of stuff. He was the sweetest kid as a child, and he hasn't lost any of his sweetness.

He started his own appraissal business, and thank god he is making money. I was worried that he wasn't going to be able to make the business work. Him and his antiques though. He said he just bought a $1,200 antique bed that reaches to the ceiling, like a king's bed or something. What a riot!

My friend and I went to the Alameda Point Antiques fair this morning. It was do dang hot in Alameda. I'm not much into antiques, but my brother would have loved it. The first car we saw while pulling into the lot, was a truck loaded with a pile of furniture. You can buy a ton of old stuff at this place. One guy was just selling old telephones.

I don't know. I really still like very new functional furniture, although some of the better and more expensive pieces of antique furniture has the kind of work you just can't find anymore. I think the best thing to get there was old painting, and maybe old jewelry from the flapper era. It was hard to tell though, because after an hour I was on sensory overload, and just was barely taking everything in. Plus it was so darn hot, that it was hard to concentrate.

The antiques fair is only once a month, and I think I want to go again. My friend had never been and neither had I, so we just wanted to look at everything and get a feel for prices and to see what people were selling. It was much for fun that Ebay because you could actually see the stuff you were purchasing. I did see a nice print from the Meiji era, but I saw better prints at the Asian Art Antiques dealers show last year.

I think if you know what you want and what to look for, you can find good deals. The whole thing reminded me of "Th Antiques Road Show". I used to be so addicted to watching that show, I had wean myself off. I just was so fascinated by the stories the dealers had about all the pieces. The history was more interesting than the pieces themselves.

So I did it, and my stupid cell phone kept cutting out on me so I had to call him twice. And didn't want to call from my building, so I went outside between the buildings and it was noisy and people were walking by listening to me.

Whatever. I'm glad it's over. It wasn't too bad. I told him I wrote it out all out and I was going to be reading off what I'd written, although I did ad lib here and there. And hopefully the blackberry voicemail picked it all up. And just in case he wants to read it, I can email or print it out for him.

Telling someone you love them is hard. Writing it out so it sounds half way decent but still sounds like the way you would normally talk is much more difficult. I don't know if there's a way to make love not sound mushy and romantic.

I have no idea how red-haired guy is going to react to my birthday/love message. It might be freak him out enough to end it with me forever, and that's a scenario that I can't stop from playing in my head. But you know, he said he loved me first. So he started this whole love thing, not me. I'm just following his lead.

Wow, I am so nervous about telling the red-haired guy I love him. Talk about going out and jumping off a bridge without a safety net or harness. I have no idea how my little revelation will land. I want to chicken out and not do it, but I know I would so regret it if I didn't tell him.

I asked a guy to marry me once in college, just to do it, and of course I got turned down but I was kind of expecting that. I have no idea now why I even wanted to marry the guy now, but I'm sure it was part I really like this guy and part wouldn't it be cool to ask a guy to marry me just to do it once with no consequences.

So it's not like I'm asking red-haired guy to marry me. I'm just going to tell him I totally love and adore him. I mean, I'm not asking for asking for commitment here. I'm just stating to him a plain and simple fact. So why am I so freaked out?

So I've been excited all week and looking forward to telling my red-haired guy that I love him on his birthday. And I'm like so nervous, that I actually I typed up what I wanted to say so I don't forget. I'm hoping to get his voicemail on his blackberry, so I can just leave it as a voicemail and not have to say it in person. What I wrote is like so gushy and romantic, and so not like me.

Whatever happens with this guy, and I honestly don't know where my relationship with him is going right now, is going to be great. He is definitely god's gift me to me and even if we were to break up tomorrow, it will have been totally worth it. He's just taught me so much about myself, about love and about life, it's all been pretty darn amazing so far. And it just makes me so happy having him in life right now.

Sadly, what I feel for my red-haired guy puts into perspective all the other times I thought I was in love. And nothing, I mean nothing compares to this. It's just so wild, and so great and so fun.

I think I am so over my job and kind of really dislike it here, because I had to make a comment about the Zel Miller speech in a department meeting especially when one of my cube mates said it was an awful speech. I’m sure I made some enemies with that statement. And I don't really care either. Then the person who made the comment about the awful Zel speech wanted the whole group to go to the lunch, and I decided not to go. I was sure I was going to get cornered on that statement and I didn't want to deal with it. I've been such a bad corporate citizen today.

Some people just take politics so personally. You can’t have a discussion about which political tactics work or not. I don't really like this person anyway, and she's so arrogant about her politics that I just wanted to take her down a bit. Mean, huh? What's ironic is that she was right about the Zel Miller speech.

Of course, the Zel Miller speech was awful. Of course the guy totally twisted the truth about John Kerry’s voting record to make a dramatic point. But that’s not the point. The point is the democrats didn’t have a “Zel Miller” type at their convention, and that was a huge mistake. I don’t know why either, because the media keeps saying that moderate republicans aren’t going to vote for the Shrubmeister. If this is true, why couldn’t the DNC have trotted one out at their convention? Talk about a tactical error on the DNC’s part.

Which brings me to the second point. There wasn’t a rallying the base/red meat speaker at the democratic convention, who has street cred. And no, the Al Sharpton speech doesn’t count because that guy is totally scary.

The saddest thing about the whole Zel Miller incident is that Georgia was the last democratic stronghold in the south, and we now have confirmation that the south has gone totally red and republican. What the heck happened to the south? At one time the south was totally democrat region, and now well, it’s just not.

Of course the funniest thing about the Zel Miller incident was watching him and Chris Matthews get into a nasty verbal fight afterwards, and Matthews like totally freaking out because Miller totally let him have it. Poor Chris … I think the guy was in total shock because he finally met his match, someone who could argue with him toe for toe and then some. Chris usually manages to shout his interviewees down or browbeat them to death. Not Zel Miller though. The old guy was still on fire with that fire and brimstone speech he gave. Go Zel!

You know what the worst thing about not having an office anymore and going back to the cube farm life? You’re forced to listen to your cube mates’ stupid political opinions. It makes me wonder if people use their brain for something other than stuffing food into their faces and going to the bathroom.

Despite what anyone thinks about the content of Zel Miller’s speech at the Republican National Convention, as a peace of political gamemanship the speech was tactically brilliant. Miller’s speech was designed for one purpose and one purpose only, to energize the GOP base. If it scared some people sitting on the fence about the election, then fine. There are very few people sitting in the middle at this point anyway. With less than 70 days before the election, it’s all about getting the troops on the ground excited for the battle ahead. And as someone on Chris Matthew’s Hardball coverage said last night, the GOP are street fighters and have the best troops on the ground willing to fight for their four more years.

They showed their strength with the Florida election debacle in 2000, with Gore’s people not knowing what the heck was really going on with Florida. I have friends that went down from DC to Florida to help count the vote, and they told me horror stories about disorganized the democratic party was down there.

Chris Matthew’s favourite quote is “elections are always local”. And you know what he’s right. It’s about which party has the muscle to get people out there on knock on every door, in every single precinct across the country to get out the vote. With the demos fighting with the greens and independents for their base in every local election across the country, they just don’t have the troops to do it. The democratic party is fractured at the local level. And it’s at the local level that elections are won and lost, because elections are won and lost one vote/one person at a time.

I just have to take at my own city’s politics to see the weakness of the democratic party. I look at New York City where one of out of every five people are democratics, with their republican mayor. And you know what, I hate that I’m a political realist because I can see the future and I don’t really like what I see.

My acting past is coming back to haunt me. I found the following advice about screenwriting on a new website.

Hal Ackerman:
Bob, the most important thing to think about in scene writing (and incidentally my book, Write Screenplays That Sell: The Ackerman Way, is broken down into 2 sections, The Big Picture, which is about the telling of the story and The Small Picture, which is about scene writing) is that there is one purpose for every scene that we write, and that purpose is not what you think it is -
it's not for the characters to say stuff that you want them to say.
It is to create an arena for the character or character to do everything
that they can to get what they want in that moment.
I call it the WADOOGEE:
And it means:
- WHAT do the characters want?
- What do they DO?
- To GET it?

I call this the character objective, and when the 2 characters in the scene have opposing objectives, then what is created is the life blood of every scene, which is conflict. Think about 2 coyotes and one bone.

This is right out of my actor training, when I could I hear my director who used to teach at ACT screaming at me "what does your character want and what are they prepared to do to get it?" It's like neo-marxism all over again, thinking every damn scene in a play is about the conflict between one person wanting one thing and the other person wanting the exact opposite thing.

And I don't I ever got this concept in acting because the whole time I kept thinking, why does life always have to be about conflict? Why can't two characters want the same thing? And why can't they agree to disagree if they don't?

So I’m kind of mad at my boss right now. We sent a big mailing out to our clients verifying some data and telling them they had until September 2 to notify us if our records were incorrect. My boss’ name was on the letter as the contact, but then she decides on Monday that she’s going take vacation starting today September 1.

I mean, did she not even think our clients wouldn’t find it a little weird that the main contact person on the letter is out of the office two days before the deadline? But I guess my boss had it all figured out because she called me this morning and said I’m not calling all these people on my vacation, and I want you to respond to them.

Who looks kind of unprofessional here, me or her?

I'm listening to John McCain's speech. You gotta hand it to the republicans. The demos make you feel darn guilty you're an american, like it really is all your fault. Such thinking is really a simplistic view of the world and politics. The GOP makes you feel proud to be an american, which can feel good. But like the Demos, another childlike and simplistic view of world and politics. Neither side is right.

The truth as always is somewhere in the middle, and neither side owns it. Yes, America does bad things, but so do a ton of other countries, and I don't doubt that if other countries were in our position, they would be acting probably the same way. History is replete with non-American countries trying to take over the world. The Brits tried it, the Spanish tried to, the russians, any country that was dominant in their time tried to spread their influence. It's not just an american trait, it's a human trait. And surprise, surprise, Americans are human just like everyone else.

Since the GOP convention is going to be on TV this week, a friend of mine pointed out some personal good news to me. "At least the red-haired marina frat boy is a registered democrat ... it's about time you dated someone from your own political party...wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

I don't know, but this comment makes me chuckle.

My life is full of virgos. I was raised by two of them, and somehow I've fallen in love with three of them in the last five years.

Today is Grandma's birthday, so Happy Birthday to Grandma up in heaven!

It's either today or tomorrow (can never remember which), but here's wishing my former best friend/love of my life, a 5th generation West Texan whose family helped settle the panhandle, a big ole' Happy Birthday!

So I guess if I was really serious about my writing, my schedule would look the one I have planned for this week while I try to finish my screenplay.

0.5 – 1 hr eating – 6-7 pm
2 hours writing screenplay 7-9ish - by 9 pm republican convention is over
1 hour workout - 9 – 10 pm
1 hour meditation – 10-11 pm
1 hour misc – 11-12 midnight

Does like my schedule look bleak or what?

My schedule is usually this:
5:30 - 7 pm - write/snack
7-9:30 workout
9:30 - 10 pm - eat a late dinner
10-11 pm - 1 hour meditation
11-12 midnight - misc

I'm not sure my regular schedule is that much better.

So I'm back to tracking my calorie count on an excel spreadsheet. I'm amazed at how much I actually eat. I'm such a snacker. I could probably graze all day on food like a cow, and eat full meals as well and be pretty happy. But then my clothes won't fit and that would upset me.

I started on Saturday, and I can already see a difference when I try on my jeans. I kept thinking I was at the point where I could eat whatever I wanted and my weight would stay stable. Boy, was I ever wrong! I'm going to have to watch my calorie intake for a long time, until I guess I just get used to eating less, if that day ever arrives.

Updated the books I'm reading at the left, and some of the information. Just finished reading "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Other Tales of Terror" by Robert Louis Stevenson." Stevenson is an interesting writer, and I want to read all his books. I kind of remember reading "Treasure Island" and "Kidnapped" as a kid, but it's all very fuzzy so I borrowed them from the library and plan to reread them.

Stevenson wrote this one short story called "Olalla", and there some amazing lines about love at first sight in it.

"My foot was on the topmost round, when a door opened, and I found myself face to face with Olalla. Surprise transfixed me; her loveliness struck to my heart; she glowed in the deep shadow of the gallery; a gem of a colour; her eyes took hold upon mine and clung there, and bound us together like the joining of hands; and the moments we thus stood face to face, drinking each other in, were sacramental and the wedding of souls. ... The thrill of her young life, strung like a wild animal's, had entered into me; the force of soul that had looked out from her eyes and conquered mine, mantled about my heart and sprang to my lips in singing. She passed through my veins: she was one with me. ... I could not doubt but that I loved her at first sight, and already with a quivering ardour that was strange to my experience."

I especially like the phrase "...drinking each other in, were sacramental and the wedding of souls". It made me think about that fateful flight when I met red-haired guy ... was our meeting sacramental, and did we drink each other in and had a wedding of souls? Red-haired guy said our first meeting and conversation was like "soul-mates". I actually remember seeing him in line, while I was waiting at the gate at Southwest. He got my attention because of his red-hair. He doesn't remember seeing me until he was about five rows from my seat, and he said to himself "I'm going to sit next to that cute girl, and I hope she has personality."

I also picked up the book "Story" by Robert McKee, the screenwriting guru in the movie "Adaptation". He has a seminar in LA in December that I'm thinking of going to, just to see what he's like.

I read through McKee's book, and then got really, really depressed. Screenwriting is such hard work for me, and there's just so much work involved than I have the energy to put into right now. I just don't think I see stories visually. David Mamet said the same thing too, when he talked about translating his stage plays to screen. You have to be able to come out with a visual way to telling the story, instead of having the actors speak on stage.

At this point I just want to finish my baseball screenplay, send it off to that screnwriting teacher in LA to get an opinion, rewrite it based on his feedback, and then register the screenplay with Writer's Guild, and then finally submit it to this website for consideration, maybe send it off to a couple of agents in LA, and then be done with forever! And go back to working on my unfinished, count them, three novels.

I kind of feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall with the screenwriting thing. It's just not an easy style for me to write in. The only reason I'm writing the baseball story as a screenplay was because it made sense as a movie, rather than as a short story or a novel. It just intuitively felt like it was a visual story. If I could turn it into a novel, believe I would because screenplay writing is just no fun.

I will write one more screenplay, my endless love reincarnation comedy, because that's another story that only can only be told as a movie and not as a short story or novel, but that's it, no more screenplays. And no adaptations either of my novels either, let somebody else slave over that work.

I want to watch the GOP convention this week, and to write a screenplay I have to write at my computer at home, so I'll have the tv on in the background and I'll be writing away. Red-haired guy is on the road at some other trade show, so he won't be a distraction, and then he's going to see dad and brother out of state on Labor Day weekend, so I have all week and weekend to finish the screenplay.

I missed my red-haired guy, but at the same time I do have the freedom to work on my writing if he's not around. I mean, either way with him would be hard. If he was here and worked close by, I think I'd resent the amount of time I'd have to spend with him and how much it would take away from my writing. But he's not here and works in LA and travels for business a ton, and I resent how limited time we have to spend together. I can't win either way.

Red-haired guy's birthday is coming up, and I'm going to tell him how much I love him on his birthday. It's such a corny present I know, but I don't know, it feels like the right thing to do. He's already told he loves me and I haven't ever returned the favour, although I did say it a couple of times when I've left him voicemails.

And I do love him, because somehow in the last couple of weeks I felt my heart opening up physically and red-haired guy just kind of stepped in and now he'll be permanently lodged. Love is such a gift from god, and red-haired guy is definitely my gift. He came so unexpectantly, when I was really, really depressed at my wit's end in July, and I really didn't care about meeting another guy and was pretty much resigning myself to being single and alone. I don't know whether we have a future or not, but for the short time I've known him he's totally made me happy, plus he's already fulfilled some long held fantasies of mine. Gotta give the guy credit for that.

He's just so refreshingly honest, says whatever is on his mind, doesn't try to pull the Mr. Mysterious John Wayne thing, wears his heart on his sleeve, is so affectionate, doesn't hold back, and is just plain fun and exciting to be with. I never met a guy like him before, I didn't know guys like him existed, never knew what a joy and open person can be in one's life. He just totally opened himself up to me, and it's been impossible for me not to fall for him.

But just because I love him, doesn't mean we have a future. It takes more than love unfortunately to make a relationship work. And I want "bashert", my perfect fit, my perfect puzzle piece, and I won't settle for anything less. Red-haired guy may not be my perfect fit, but he'll always have a piece and place in my heart for the rest of his life. Now that's a nice birthday present isn't it? to know that someone out there totally loves and adores you for the rest of your life?

I haven't been posting lately. I had dental surgery on Monday to have my gumline moved on the right upper part of my mouth, so I've been on some serious painkillers all week. By Thurdsay, I was pretty wiped out and exhausted.

I didn't work out all week because my mouth was throbbing in between pills, and I didn't feel like writing either. I did manage to read three screenplays though in preparation to start working on my screenplay again.

I read "The English Patient", "Frequency", and "Bruce Almighty". A friend fro LA said to read "The English Patient". I never liked the book, and was so so on the movie. Reading the screenplay wasn't much better for me either, although I finally did figure out what the whole story was about.

I still really like "Frequency" only because it's a quasi-science fictiony type movie about going into the past to change the present. Not sure if I wrote about seeing "The Butterfly Effect", but I really, really liked the concept of the movie. I think I "butterfly effected" my own life when I wrote to the red-haired guy that I was having buyer's remorse about turning him down.

I think in my heart of hearts, I would love to be able to write movies and stories on the level of "Frequency" and "The Butterfly Effect" because they're so fantastical, so science fictional but no too out there, and they deal with regret over things done and not done, and that everlasting feeling that most people I think have, that things in life would have turned out differently if only I had done a certain thing.

"Bruce Almighty" was just such a cute movie about God, and wishing you could have the power to make things happen differently and what would happen if you really could and the effect of having all your wishes come true. I've had plenty of fantasies in my life come true. Believe me, sometimes it's not a fun thing and causes way more problems than solves them.

Isn't such a universal human feeling, to wish things had turned out differently in your life than they did, to want to go back and change things, or to have the power to make your every wish come true?

I don’t know if the changes I’m going through have anything to do with that funny little emotion called "love" or, I’m just getting old and have matured over the years to where I’m much more willing to compromise a bit more when it comes to relationships.

Back in 1999 I was having issues with Steve, the man I’ve dubbed "the one that got away", with him having reddish hair, his travel schedule, and the fact that his job and his home was down the Peninsula and not in San Francisco. I had to think long and hard about whether I wanted to date someone who didn’t live and work in the "City". At least I remember thinking to myself, I didn’t have to cross a bridge or go through a tunnel. No B&T guys for me. And I’d really have to love someone to even consider seriously living anywhere besides city and county of San Francisco. And thank god at least Steve’s idea of a vacation from The Inn at Spanish Bay in Monterey, the guy was seriously Mr. Luxury Hotel guy all the way, and he didn’t drive a car on the banned list like an SUV (he drove a black lexus).

So flash forward to 2004, and now I find myself thinking I’m in love with someone who:
1) works in LA during the week
2) has double the travel schedule of Steve
3) lives in the east bay (a big no-no with a bridge to cross)
4) has absurdly reddish hair and yes it’s the real thing and not highlights from a bottle or from the salon.
5) whose idea of vacation is real outdoor camping like with sleeping bags and tents
6) drives a huge monster SUV
7) and, who I would seriously consider moving to Marin with only because he wants to move there (talk about a big no-no, we’re talking a bridge and a tunnel to cross.

As I read this I laugh at myself because I’ve always had to compromise about music tastes. Steve was into Andre Bocelli and red-haired guy has on his IPOD Bruce Springstein (okay not a bad choice but he wouldn’t be on my IPOD, Jackson Browne and Bryan Adams. Bruce Springstein I can understand, but not more than one song by Jackson Browne and Bryan Adams. I don’t even own any songs by either artist. I love Springstein’s ballad "Meeting Across the River", and the only Springstein album that I can listen to all the way through is "Tunnel of Love".

Okay, okay, I didn’t look through red-haired guy’s whole IPOD. I mean he at least had Elvis Costello’s greatest hits, but when I saw all those Jackson Brown and Byran Adams songs I was bit put off and didn’t want to freak myself out too much.

I've been thinking about what it means to be "open-mindeded", and received the following definition via email today.

This week’s featured strength is Open-Mindedness.

People are very open-minded about new things…
as long as they're exactly like the old ones!--Charles Kettering

Definition
·Open-mindedness is the willingness to search actively for evidence against one’s favored beliefs, plans, or goals, and to weigh such evidence fairly when it is available.

·Being open-minded does not imply that one is indecisive, wishy-washy, or incapable of thinking for one’s self. After considering various alternatives, an open-minded person can take a firm stand on a position and act accordingly.

·The opposite of open-mindedness is what is called the myside bias which refers to the pervasive tendency to search for evidence and evaluate evidence in a way that favors your initial beliefs. Most people show myside bias, but some are more biased than others.

Benefits of Open-Mindedness

Research suggests the following benefits of open-mindedness:

.Open-minded, cognitively complex individuals are less swayed by singular events and are more resistant to suggestion and manipulation.

·Open-minded individuals are better able to predict how others will behave and are less prone to projection.

·Open-minded individuals tend to score better on tests of general cognitive ability like the SAT or an IQ test. (Of course we don’t know whether being open-minded makes one smarter or vice versa.)

Open-Mindedness as a “Corrective Virtue”

Social and cognitive psychologists have noted widespread errors in judgment/thinking to which we are all vulnerable. In order to be open-minded, we have to work against these basic tendencies, leading virtue ethicists to call open-mindedness a corrective virtue.

In addition to the myside bias described above, here are three other cognitive tendencies that work against open-minded thinking:

1) Selective Exposure
We maintain our beliefs by selectively exposing ourselves to information that we already know is likely to support those beliefs. Liberals tend to read liberal newspapers, and Conservatives tend to read conservative newspapers.

2) Primacy Effects
The evidence that comes first matters more than evidence presented later. Trial lawyers are very aware of this phenomenon. Once jurors form a belief, that belief becomes resistant to counterevidence.

3) Polarization
We tend to be less critical of evidence that supports our beliefs than evidence that runs counter to our beliefs. In an interesting experiment that demonstrates this phenomenon[1], researchers presented individuals with mixed evidence on the effectiveness of capital punishment on reducing crime. Even though the evidence on both sides of the issue was perfectly balanced, individuals became stronger in their initial position for or against capital punishment. They rated evidence that supported their initial belief as more convincing, and they found flaws more easily in the evidence that countered their initial beliefs.

What Encourages Open-Mindedness?

·Research suggests that people are more likely to be open-minded when they are not under time pressure. (Our gut reactions aren’t always the most accurate.)

·Individuals are more likely to be open-minded when they believe they are making an important decision. (This is when we start making lists of pros and cons, seeking the perspectives of others, etc.)

·Some research suggests that the way in which an idea is presented can affect how open-minded someone is when considering it. For example, a typical method of assessing open-mindedness in the laboratory is to ask a participant to list arguments on both sides of a complicated issue (e.g., the death penalty, abortion, animal testing). What typically happens is that individuals are able to list far more arguments on their favored side. However, if the researcher then encourages the participant to come up with more arguments on the opposing side, most people are able to do so without too much difficulty. It seems that individuals have these counter-arguments stored in memory but they don’t draw on them when first asked.

Exercises to Build Open-Mindedness

1)Select an emotionally charged, debatable topic (e.g., abortion, prayer in school, healthcare reform, the current war in Iraq) and take the opposite side from your own. Write five valid reasons to support this view. (While typing Catherine’s idea, I had a related one of my own: If you are conservative in your political beliefs, listen to Al Frankin’s radio show; if you are liberal, listen to Rush Limbaugh! While you are listening, try to avoid the cognitive error of polarization described above.)

2)Remember a time when you were wronged by someone in the past. Generate three plausible reasons why this person inadvertently or intentionally wronged you.

3)This one is for parents: Think of a topic that you consistently argue about with your teen or grown child. Now, take their position and think of 3 substantial reasons why their point of view is valid. (This could also be done with spouses or any family members for that matter!)

It's so funny to read my neurotics posts about my red-haired guy. I am so "in love" with him, it's wild and so unprecedented. Maybe he is a huge lesson for me in how to love unconditionally, because no matter what he does or doesn't do I'm still into him.

I'm like so feeling the transformative power of love, and it's a feeling I've never ever felt before. I feel and see myself changing daily, and I find it fascinating. I would so become an "LA poodle" girl just for him.

But I think he is trying to change for me as well. He made a comment about his drinking and how he drinks alot, something I've never commented on. He also used to say this one phrase constantly, which I swore to god if I heard him say one more time I would slap him, and for whatever reason he's not saying it anymore. He also made comments about how he does work a ton, which doesn't leave us much time to see each other. Well, that and the fact that he does work in LA and is only here on the weekends.

He also used the "G word - girlfriend" inadvertantly, and I called him on it and he tried to excuse himself out of it saying I was a girl and a friend. And I'm like whatever because he already more than abused the "l word - love" with me.

But I love being in love, and I feel love vibes from my red-haired guy all day and all night long and I hope it's him thinking of me. And I try to send him love vibes all day and all night long with the message that I totally adore him. Ahhhh, romantic love is such a fun little trip.

I didn't get to see him this weekend because he was way too busy, and I started seriously panicking and thinking gloomy, gloomy thoughts. But then I told myself that there's no urgency to see him like we only have a short amount of time to see each other and then the whole thing will burn itself out. I have the feeling my red-haired marina frat boy is going to be around for a really, really long time, and we all have all the time in the world to see each other.

So I just called him and left a message saying I missed him something awful, and I needed my red-haired guy fix, and I hope I get to see him soon.

I've been diagnosed as anemic. Apparenty I'm not getting enough iron, despite the fact that I take an iron supplement every day. I've been diagnosed as being anemic off and on since I was 22 years old, and it's kind of drag. Being a semi-vegeterian doesn't help the cause because the easiest way to get iron is to eat red meat. But I hate being anemic because I thinks my struggles with weight and digestion stem from me being anemic and not getting enough amino acids. It's such a drag.

So I'm now embarking on a modified Atkins diet, and I'm going to try and eat red meat for six months and lots of veggies, but no dairy and no pasta, rice or bread. And lots and lots of olive oil, because supposedly olive oil helps with digestion.

I started on Friday, and it hasn't been too bad. I thought I would be really freaked out, because I only ever eat food like steak about once every five years. I think it helps that I'm buying really expensive steak, the kind that costs $25 a pound, so at least it's not fatty and full of chemicals. Organically raised beef - doesn't this sound like an oxymoron? And I'm only eating a little at a time. Like I bought one filet mignon, and had the butcher slice into four pieces so I can eat one per meal. I'm using my George Foreman grill to grill the steak, and I don't use much oil at except to coat the grill.

I mean, I do eat meat like chicken, fish and pepperoni on pizzas, but not very often, and never red meat unless I'm craving fast food burgers.

I'm eating steamed and then pureed dark green leafy vegetables and beets. I can't digest veggies and fruit without my stomach going crazy, so I'm steaming everything and then pureeing it so my body can absorb the nutrients from the veggies without making me run to the bathroom.

When I worked out today, I did notice that I wasn't tired as I normally get when I run and my energy level is steadier. My stomach for once is also calm, and I'm not running to the bathroom constantly.

I'm rationalizing the whole experience by saying to myself, well, it's only for six months, and six months isn't going to kill me. Then maybe my digestion will improve, I'll lose some weight, and I will be able to go back to the way I normally eat. And hopefully, I won't be anemic anymore.

But I'm also wondering if I'll start smelling like I eat meat. People who eat meat have a different smell than people who are vegetarians. You can totally smell meat on their breath constantly. It's like so gross! I'm sure I'll start smelling like I eat meat now and grossing myself out if and when I catch a smell of my breath. How scary!

You know you would think with the amount of food I consume, and the vitamins I take that I wouldn't have this stupid anemia/digestion problem but I do and I hate it. I mean what's the point of me being neurotic about my health if in the end I'm still anemic and unable to properly digest fruits and veggies. It's so unfair. Some people have the worst diets, don't take care of themselves, and dont' have half the health or weight issues that I do. I'm serious, life is so unfair sometimes!

I kind of feel bad about not wanting to see the guy I think I have such a crush on, but it's the way I feel. I don't know. I'm not ready to invite him over to my apartment yet. This is my private space, my sanctuary and I'm not really ready to invite someone else into my space.

It's a trust issue thing I know, so I guess after a month of knowing this guy I still don't know whether I can trust him or not. I mean, I barely know him and yes it's been a month but I'm like it's going to fast and I need to slow it down.

I know I'm having issues with him because I really wasn't expecting the thing to go this far. I honestly thought the whole thing would burn itself out by now, but it doesn't look like it has. Yes, I like him and I'm doing the girlie thing and totally dreaming about our future together but then there's the other part of me that wishes my life would return to normal because all my issues about being in a relationship are starting to come up.

I'm not bored yet, and he knows that and that's one he's got going in his favour so far. It probably helps he's also got a really strong ego, and doesn't seem to get too put off by me.

And what's really weird for me that's going on at the same time, is I feel the need to get my writing thing going again. To take it more seriously, to finish stuff so I can start sending stuff off to publishers, magazines, etc. That's like four things I have to deal with; my life, my job, my writing life, and a new guy. That's alot. And I'm like thinking, this why people don't have hobbies and only work and have relationships. It can get very overwhelming.

I'm like thinking, okay if I'm going to be dating a guy, I need to get my act together. I need to bring more to the table. I need to start doing the thing I think is my purpose in this life. And even when I'm doing my meditation CD, I get the intuitive message that I have to write more, take my writing more seriously, and that my writing is the key to everything. I'm also getting the feeling, and this is a weird one, that whatever I was suppose to accomplish with my writing has already been done in some other future time, and that I just have to figure out how I did it, how I got there. Isn't that a strange feeling? It trips me out and doesn't make any sense at all to me.

But then again, I may also be PMSing because it's like that time of the month again, so who knows what I'm really feeling or thinking.

And he already called me a "crunchy granola" girl, which I am, and I'm trying to break it gently to him that I am way more crunchy granola than I let on, and that to him I'm like a "total hippie chick". Which is a laugh, because I think most of my friends know I'm really not a hippie chick. I just have major hippie cick tendencies, even though I don't dress the part or wear that awful patchouli smell. I don't think he liked the fact that told him I sleep on a rock hard futon on the floor, even though it's been the best thing for my back and health and I'm like the only person I know who doesn't have some kind of creaky back problem.

I tried to like tell him I'm very high maintenance and neurotic about my health, but I don't think he quite gets the full impact of that. I am truly a mess, a total mess. We haven't even gotten around to a discussion about religion and spirituality yet. I don't even know I want to go there with him, because obviously it must be not that important to him if he hasn't brought up the subject yet.

God, I hate this relationship thing. It's so hard for me because I'm like half hippie chick, half kind of conservative girl. Guys tend to get really freaked out if they think of you as one thing, and you turn out to the exact opposite.

Sometimes I hate that I'm like half a hippie chick, but I can't help it. It's the way I grew up. I kind of like that part of me too. It keeps me healthy, wrinkle free and happy because it manifests itself in the way I eat and take care of myself. The hippie chick part also influences my interests to some extent, but thank god not my politics, my attitudes towards money, and my attitudes towards beauty. Plastic surgery and waxing every hair off your body are good things. I got the hippie dressing, musk wearing, not shaving of body hair stuff out of my system in college. That whole hipie girls look like is like so college girl to me, and I'm so over that.

So the red-haired marina frat boy called me at work this afternoon. I wasn't expecting to hear from him, and he caught me off guard. When he was called I was in very bad mood, and I think I was really mean to him. He was trying to be casual and flirty and I was so not in the mood and just fuming. I called him back later and apologized, and said something about how I wasn't sleeping well (which is totally true) and when I don't sleep I'm cranky.

And I was sitting there watching "Cold Mountain" alone on a Friday night, I'm thinking to myself that I was just happy to be at home alone and relaxing after a very hard and stressful week. And I'm like thinking, how the heck am I going to do this relationship stuff when I enjoy my own solitude so much.

I'm like a computer server, I need my down time. I need time to just hang by myself and watch movies and relax. I know it sounds lonely as all heck, but I enjoy it. Watching movies is part of my work as a screenplay writer. I don't feel guilty when I watch movies, I feel productive. It's like work for me because I'm sitting there enjoying the movie and analyzing it at the same time for what makes the movie work. And when it's movie made from a book like "Cold Mountain" was, it's interesting to see what the screenplay kept and left out from the book.

The red-haired guy, who is an extroverted people person, just can't imagine spending as much time alone as I do. He thinks it's lonely, and I'm thinking he's thinking he's going to rescue me from my loneliness. And I'm like, I don't need rescuing from my loneliness. I enjoy being alone. I need someone who's going to be a companion, someone to sleep with at night, and someone who won't make me feel crowded in or suffocated.

I feel like Mrs. Dalloway. I need a guy who's going to let me have my space, who won't make me feel like I'm trapped. This is an issue I always have in any relationship, and it's the reason why relationships are so hard for me. As much as I want togetherness and know that I do better in a couple situation than as a single, I cherish my individual space and freedom very much.

I'm bad because I'm hoping I don't see him this weekend. I just can't deal with it righ now. This is my first free weekend all month that I have to myself, and I want to enjoy it. On August 7, I was in a seminar all day, and then on Sunday I do errands. Last Saturday afteroon I was with him, and then I went to visit and have dinner with a friend in San Ramon and didn't get back till 11:30 at night. And Sunday is spent at church, running errands, going the gym and grocery shopping.

And my weekdays haven't been much better. On Monday and Tuesday night, I wrote and then worked out and didn't get home till 10 pm. On Wednesday I met with my writing group, and on Thursday night I started my Film History class.

Red-haired guy is always asking me why I don't date and I keep trying trying to tell him I'm busy and don't have time. Today he asked me again, and finally I said dating way more trouble than it's worth. I told him I'm picky, but I don't think he really understands quite what that means.

How do you tell a guy, "Look I have a full life where I barely have time enough to do all things I want to do. If a guy comes along who strikes my fancy and we hit it off, then fine I'll go out. The problem is the guy has to be pretty darn spectacular to make me even want to exert that much effort. And I'm a secret romantic at heart, and I figure if I'm supposed to meet someone I'll meet them. The universe knows my needs, and if there was some guy I was supposed to hang with, I'm a big believer in the universe getting us together."

I sound like a such a typical "San Francisco single girl freak". If I had cats, the picture would be complete. I think it's hilarious that I'm such a dang stereotype sometimes. Whatever.

I finally got around to seeing the movie version of Charles Frazier's novel "Cold Mountain." I meant to see it in the theatre, but I missed it. The violence in the early part of the movie was very horrific, and I was surprised by how well they depicted the hand to hand combat of fighting during the civil war. I'm thinking they probably got help from the people who do all the civil war reenactment stuff.

It was interesting to see how the novel was adapted into movie form. I liked how the ending was still as powerful as it was in the book, although I do remember thinking that I hated the ending of the book even though I knew that the ending was justified.

It's so poignant how people hold onto to the smallest things to get through the darkest of times. At what point Inman says in the movie that memories of Ada were like a bag of diamonds that he could hold onto and get through the darkness.

So much is made about the great civil war, the war of northern aggression. But like any war, the real victims were the people left behind who had to go on and rebuild and in some cases die trying. I think the Ada character at the end says you make peace with your past, and you try to heal or something like that.

I think it was Anton Chkhov who wrote that you go on because you have to, because there is work, there is always work to do.

Fridays at work are bad days for me. Most people in my group work from home, so it’s very quiet. I never feel like doing anything, even though I have work to do. This is when I wish I still had my own office, so I could just goof off all day. When I’m in a cube farm, I can’t exactly do that.

I have been sleeping well these last nights either, so I’m exhausted. I keep waking up between 4 and 5 am. Usually I sleep right through until my alarm goes off at 6 am, but not this week. I woke up at 4:30 am, managed to go back to sleep and then at 6 am, a crow started cawing loudly outside my window and woke me right up. I’m never sure if it’s good or a bad sign, when crows wake me up in the morning. Crows are my favorite birds, but when talk they sure are noisy. I wonder what they were trying to tell me.

I’ve heard crows cawing in the last three weeks, and I thought it meant that something bad would happen that day. Of course, nothing really bad happened on those days but you never know. At least my crows friends are still alive and not dying off from West Nile virus. The newspaper reports said crows are the first birds to die when West Nile moves into your area. I would be bummed if my crows disappeared. For awhile I thought they had because I stopped seeing them, but since I met the red-haired marina frat boy the crows have come back into my life.

What it all means is a mystery that I have no idea how to solve.

Been thinking about my flingie guy and the nature of love and what it all means and I’m down to one question, how do you know if you’re in love. Love is such a strange thing. I think “the Oracle” from the Matrix movie series said to Neo, “it’s like being in love, you either know it or you don’t”. But what the heck does that mean?

If someone had to told me last month that I was going to be having a rollicking good time with a 6 ft red-haired, 200 pound, not so young anymore, marina frat boy, virgo, with bad time management skills, not the greatest communication skills either, drinks a bit too much and hasn’t given up any of his childish frat boy tendencies, I would have said “NO WAY!”

If someone had told me last month that I would be completely into “public displays of affection”, and be kissing in stores, kissing in restaurants, kissing on the street in broad daylight no less, and kissing while trying to argue, I honestly would have laughed and said, “if I wasn’t into PDA in college, and other annoying things that “couples in love supposedly do”, I’m so not going to be into it at this age.”

And if someone had told me that last month that I would enter into a relationship and not know where it was going or care where it was going, I would have freaked. “Me, Ms. Control Freak, who has to have everything carefully planned with an end game to every action. I think not.”

And yet, I’m doing all these things and having a blast and I’m not feeling like I’m in college either. I’m feeling surprisingly mature, but not old or stuck in a rut. I feel like an adult, which is a somewhat scary but at the same time very comforting thought.

Tuesday August 17, red-headed guy count = 7

Back to my stats.

Sunday August 15 - red-headed boy count = 5
Monday August 16 - red-headed boy count = 3

Here's the link to the intern girl who got outed on Wonkette for having sexual escapades with the Washington set, Blog Interrupted.

I wonder if the Capitol Hill intern guys still play rugby on Saturdays near the White House? I went to a game once, and it was fun. When I was interning in DC, I was just a lowly Georgetown/arts magazine intern and not a swinging Capitol Hill intern. I did attend a bunch of parties on the hill however, because the food was free and the booze was flowing. I never hooked up with any reps or senators though. Those guys were just way too old for my taste back then.

That Washington Post article about the intern getting busted on Wonkette for writing about her six romps with politicos in Wash DC has me freaked.

Don't want the same thing happening to me and my red-headed guy. I'll have to edit the blog a bit to make red-headed guy a bit more anonymous. Not that he's anybody famous or anything, but I guess you just can't be too careful