A friend convinced me to go to some Halloween event, because it is kind of like a national holiday of sorts. I told her I'd go just to go, but I would probably leave early. I didn't get enough sleep last night, and I'm tired. Plus, all that yummy halloween potluck food is making my tummy ache! Guess I didn't need to eat another cupcake with orange frosting.

Happy Halloween!

There's nothing like pigging out at an office potluck, and eating the various orange frosted and halloween looking cookies, donuts, cakes and cupcakes. I've got a headache from all the sugar I've been eating. HELP!

It's Halloween, and it's another office potluck. I was in a fried chicken mood, so I bought some at the local grocery store. It's a good thing I've been eating less than 1,200 calories since Saturday so I can splurge today and eat all the scrummy food. It's the total calories at the end of the week that counts, not the daily total right? ;)

Time goes very slowly when you're waiting to hear if your computer is dead. I priced a computer on Dell, and I ended up spending way too much money. I'll have to really think about what I really need because it seems very easy to spend over $2,000 for a new computer.

I'm definitely buy a laptop before the end of the year. If I had a backup system, I could have finished my screenplay. My LG Phenom is a great little tool for writing on the go and for checking email on the road, but it's no substitute for a laptop. If I was a freelance writer with an article due, I'd be out of business by now. Luckily I'm not dependent on my writing for income, but I'm going to have to start treating my computer like a business investment and have system redundancy (two systems in case one fails), daily backup procedures, and on and off site data storage. I even checked out solar laptop batteries, and found solar panels used by Peace Corp volunteers to power their laptops.

Part of me wants to buy a laptop today, but I keep telling myself to wait until I know the fate of my pc. But waiting is so hard!!!

I spoke to Gordon Zaft, a regular reader to my blog, yesterday. I've met people through online dating sites, but I've never met or spoken to anyone this way or any othey way for that matter. He was my first. We had a nice and long conversation about all sorts of things, and it's cool to connect a voice to an email address.

I've been reading PC and notebook reviews all day. After much thought, I've decided I will purchase a new PC next year, and will get a Dell PC. I worked with the Dell sales reps in 1999, when I was working on a Y2K desktop replacement project. My company wanted to purchase 3,000+ desktops, and I attended the meetings with all the major vendor reps; Dell, Compaq, and IBM. I was impressed with Dell's customer service, and their willingness to bend over backwards to meet our needs. Plus, I've had a Dell PC at work since 1999 and I've never had a problem.

I'll probably end up getting a mid range Dell for under $1,000. Since I'm not a gamer and only use my computer for writing and checking email, I don't need a lot of firepower. A mid range pc will be however be good for the few games I'd like to play, like The Sims and that civilization game I keep hearing about.

In the meantime, I'll probably pick up a used IBM Thinkpad. My last company issued Thinkpads to their sales reps, and I heard horror stories of how they treated their laptops. Those Thinkpads amazingly can take a lot of punishment without breaking, and that's the kind of laptop I want; a workhorse laptop to check email and write with when I travel.

I'd like to keep some of my old pc equipment, but it seems cheaper to just buy a whole new system with everything included. I have a great set of speakers with a subwoofer, and a great monitor, but they are 5 years old now. I'll probably keep the scanner and the printer though. I'll donate my old equipment to some charity if I can, and take a small tax write-off.

I took my computer to CompUSA for fixing. They did a good job last year, and it's near my office so I can take care of it without missing any work. Boy, do they have a backlog though! It will take them 6 days to even get to my computer, so I won't find know my computer's fate till next week.

Thank god for my little laptop, so I can still write and check email at home. And thank god I backed up all my writing awhile ago on CD. My screenplay didn't get backed up however, because it's so new. I didn't back up my email either, and I'll have to do that if I get my computer back. I need to also back up my pda files as well.

My poor computer. It's so old. I bought it in 1998, and it has served me very well.

My computer died again on Sunday, right in the middle of Game 7 of the world series and just as I was about to finish the second act of my screenplay. My computer did the same thing last year, so I'm hoping it's the same problem. I had a power surge in my apartment on Wednesday, just as I was turning on my computer on and blew a fuse. When I replaced the fuse, the computer was working fine. Last night, when I checked the back of hard drive, it was very hot. I wonder if the two incidents are related.

Thank god I have my baby laptop, so I can at least check email and not feel totally computer deprived. My baby laptop runs pocket explorer and Blogger Pro doesn't support it, although regular blogger did.

I'm not ready to buy a computer yet, although a friend just purchased a computer from Gateway for $1,000. Buying a new computer is going to take a lot of research. The tech guy at work told me he would build me a new one for a fee. I just need a new hard drive, and want to keep all my other peripherals like my monitor, scanner, cd burner, modem and printer. On the other hand, my last computer was built by a friend of mine and it wasn't without problems, so I'm wondering if I should just order a new computer from Dell. Then there's the process of transferring my files, and I'm not looking forward to that.

I'm also still torn between buying a pc and just getting a laptop with a docking station, but I'm starting to think it would be nice to have both in case one breaks.

I think I can get another year out of my old computer, if it can be fixed, so I put a note in my Palm to buy a new computer in August 2003. Delaying a new computer purchase till then buys me time to figure stuff out. What I could do is buy an old laptop for now, and start migrating my files to the laptop, so when I'm finally ready to get rid of the old computer it won't be such a big deal. An old but serviceable laptop would also be insurance in case the computer decides to die again.

I doubt now that I'll get my computer fixed in time for me to enter my screenplay into that contest. But if my computer isn't fixed by Friday November 1 when Nanowrimo starts, it's not a big deal because I start writing on my baby laptop since it has Pocket Word.

I definitely want to finish the screenplay with or without the contest. I'm trying to look on the bright side. I'm telling myself that I was arrogant in wanting to send a second draft of my screenplay to a contest. I know some of the people entering the contest probably wrote 8 or more drafts of their screenplay before submitting it, maybe even more. Some of the people entering the screenplay contest have written at least three or more screenplays, and are submitting their best work, and not just their first ever written screenplay like me.

I'm surprised by how calm I am. I don't know if I'm in shock, or I'm not being fazed since the same thing happened to me last year. I used to think that in my ideal world, I wouldn't have any problems. But that's not true. I think if you live in this world, you will always problems. Maybe an ideal world means that when bad things happens, you don't freak out and you have faith, supreme faith that everything will work out and works out for the best. That maybe you'll stumble a little, but you won't fall flat on your face, and if you do, you won't die, you'll get up and live to see another day. Now that's an ideal world.

I'm a little over my posting limit for the the next three days, so the posts will be very short.

On tap for today.

Heading downtown to get my bangs trimmed and to buy some items. I hope that the anti war rally is over by the time I get down there. Those anti war protestors can be downright nasty sometimes. I am a cautious supporter of the war on Iraq, only because I think if we don't do something, they will. 9/11 has definitely scarred my dove attitudes.

Then back home to write and watch the game. I think I read somewhere that no baseball team has ever won the world series in game 6. It's baseball, so it's all about tradition, statistics, records, and momentum changes. I love the Angels, only because they are such underdogs having never won a world series. The Angels are also very friendly to the media and fans, which I admire. The Giants, well they're the home team and you have to root for the home team, no matter what, even though they're not the most media friendly team in the league. So Go Giants.

There's a big Nanowrimo/Halloween party in Oakland tonight, hosted by the founder of Nanowrimo Chris Baty. Depending on how I feel, I might drive over there to check it out. Only after the game, of course.

GO GIANTS!

The Giants win Game 5 of the world series, and I have a writing breakdown. Life is great isn't it? I never hit the wall when I was running marathons, but I think I might have hit the wall with my writing. I tried to sit down on Thursday and write, and I couldn't do it. Then I just freaked out, canceled my Friday earling morning appointment with my screenwriting teacher, and started crying. I really thought I could get it done, but I couldn't.

I spent the rest of night watching the game, and trying to figure out why I had a writing breakdown. My conclusion was I was just tapped out, and I didn't know it. I hit the writing wall. I never pushed myself this much in my writing. I've had to do it at work, but not in my writing. I've had impossible deadlines to get stuff done at work, and I've gotten them done, but it wasn't without much pain and agony. I hate working under a deadline. I can do it, but I hate it.

TV episode writers work under intense deadlines to get scripts written, but they're writing one hour of TV scritps. I wrote an hour's worth of my movie in three days. Maybe that's the limit. Maybe you can only write one hour of movie time in a short period of time. I wish I knew.

I reread "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron last night. She says that you have to take care of the creativity well, and keep it stocked. She says to set small and gentle goals and meet them. I guess I didn't do that. I guess I didn't take of my artist child, and like any child, she threw one hell of a tantrum, shit fit and sulk all at once.

This was hard lesson to learn, but one that was probably necessary for me. I can't just write exclusively like I've been doing. Maybe I can do that work, because I've had, but creativity is different. I can't put my life on hold and write, and I did that for the script. I haven't been going out and I didn't rent any movies. I let myself watch the world series, but even when I was watching the world series, I felt so guilty for not writing. Silly huh?

I'm still mulling over my writing breakdown. I don't know if I'm lazy and undisciplined, which a part of me thinks, or if I just hit the writing wall and didn't know it. All I know is I'm exhausted and mentally tired right now, and I still need to finish the rest of my screenplay by Sunday.

My review of Baz Luhrmann’s La Boheme.

First impressions. The set reminded me of Moulin Rouge. I read in the paper that Luhrmann created La Boheme long before he created Moulin Rouge, and you can see in the set and costume designs echoes of the movie.

What was different about this production of La Boheme, was the opera singers. Most opera singers in are older and look it. Most opera singers also tend to be broader and bigger. The cast members of Luhrmann’s La Boheme all looked so young, probably age 30 and under, and looked like normal young people. For La Boheme’s story, this type of casting works incredibly well since the opera is about young bohemians. The guys actually looked like the parts they were playing. Since Luhrmann sets the opera in the 50’s, the time charge further added to the very modern look of the opera. The modern look definitely draws a more younger audience in, especially an audience not used to opera. Opera has the reputation for being stuffy. Luhrmann’s La Boheme was anything but stuffy.

Luhrmann uses 3 pairs of couples to sing the role of Rodolpho and Mimi, since the roles are so demanding. The three pairs have been dubbed by the media here, “the red, white and blue” cast. I saw the “white cast”, which all the reviews said is overall the strongest pair of singers and actors.

I thought the singing was very good. The only thing I didn’t like was the singers were miked, and you can tell they were miked. For the size of the theatre where La Boheme was performed, microphones were unnecessary and a good opera singer would have been able to be heard without a microphone. In interview, Luhrmann said that microphones were used just so the singers didn’t have to worry about being heard.

What I loved about this version of La Boheme was the costumes, the set, and the activity going on in the background in the café scene. Everyone in background cast, except for the main people were all dressed in shades of gray. Most of the sets were also gray. With the gray costumes and sets, the main characters really stood out when they were on stage. My friend and I immediately thought of the girl in the red dress in the movie “Schindler’s List”. That girl in the red dress really stands out in the movie. Here the color scheme is reversed, but it has the same effect with the main characters standing out so to speak from the crowd.

The best scene was the one where the main characters are in a café in town. There was so much activity going on, and so many background people on stage, that it was hard to actually pay attention to the singing. But all the activity and people really made for a very visually exciting scene, that I’ve never scene before in a musical or an opera. I was reminded of the freneticism of Moulin Rouge.

All the activity and background characters on stage reminded me of watching the new Star Wars movie, “Attack of the Clones”. I saw the movie at a special digital theatre. There was so much going on in the scenes, that sometimes I would start paying attention to something that was happening on the right edge of the screen, and not care about the main action. I had the same thing happen at La Boheme.

If the tickets weren’t so expensive, I would definitely go to La Boheme again to view that one busy scene just to see what I missed the first time around.

Of course, I loved the story in La Boheme. What I got this time around, the tragedy of the ending. How a person can convince themselves that everything will be okay, even when they told themselves earlier that a situation was hopeless. It’s kind of like to get through life, you have to always be hopeful, be an optimist, even if you know that the coming events are going to be unpleasant and unfortunate. This is tragic to me, because it’s like you experience the pain twice over. First, the initial pain of realizing that a certain situation is hopeless, and then the second pain of hoping against hope that the situation is not hopeless, but having your suspicions confirmed at the end. I didn’t cry at the end of La Boheme, but there were people who did so, and that’s always the sign of a good opera.

Other things I liked about Buhrmann’s La Boheme. They had subtitles which were easy to see, but SF Opera does that too. When they were set changes, the audiences sees the set changes and even the director, so it’s kind of like you’re watching movie. The characters are also in freeze position in the beginning, and then come to life when the lights go up. The people who moved the set were also in costume, which I thought was a very nice touch, because then it gave continuity to the whole production.

Some scenes that were slow moving, but as a whole the production moved along very nicely. Baz Luhrmann’s La Boheme adds a modern, young, and visually exciting look to opera, and for that I think Luhrmann should be congratulated.

I heard an interview with Harold Kushner, who wrote "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". I wrote some things down that he said. Here they are.

You teach morality to override human instinct.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you’re an honest person, is like expecting a bull to not charge you because you’re a vegetarian.

Prayer is thanking god, and asking God to be with you because when you come into the presence of God, everything seems easier. What kind of things are easier to do, if you think God is with you. You don’t believe in God philosophically, you experience God.

Going to church is communal commitment, to find a congregation, to find a community of believers.

A person who you think has treated you badly does not the deserve the power to jerk your mind around, the person doesn’t have to share the space in your head.

I've only ever read his book "When Bad Things". I found the review for another book that Kushner wrote, "Who Needs God", which I will probably as well. Mr. Kushner seems to have very interesting thoughts on religion, some of which deserve my serious consideration.

Interesting article from New York Times columnist, Edward Rothstein on Defending Post Modernism in a post 9/11 world.

The Giants won game 4, and I am so incredibly distracted by this world series that I can't concentrate on my screenplay. I thought I would push up my deadline and have it finished by Thursday night, but I don't think I can do it. Last night, I was too burnt out to write. Tonight was my bible studies class, and we were discussing the crucifixion and the ressurection and whether it matters if you believed the events actually happened or if these events are just metaphors for faith. My mind is buzzing on that whole discussion. I think there were people in class who probably don't believe that the crucifixion and resurrection actually happened, not that it matters to me if they do or don't because that's a person own private and personal business, and who am I to pass judgment on what other people believe or don't believe. I certainly don't want other people passing judgment on what I believe or don't believe, and this is where for the bible teaching of "do unto other as you would have them do unto you or judge not and you shall not be judged" come in. What was interesting was the sense of shame and secrecy that stole over class about the whole subject. I totally believe it's true, but that's just me.

How can I go back to writing my screenplay after a discussion on what I think is a cornerstone of christian faith; the crucifixion and resurrection of JC.

I only pushed up deadline to Thursday night because my screenwriting teacher is leaving for Europe Friday morning, and I wanted her to take my screenplay with her so she could read it, which she said she would do. I originally thought I would finish my screenplay by Saturday night, because I didn't think I could write with that kind of intensity. It certainly looks like I was right about myself. I think it's hard, at least for me, to write that intensely day in day out. I did it for Nanowrimo, but that was because I think you can write very intensely day in and day out on a first draft. In fact I'm starting to think now that first drafts should come out as quickly as possible, just to get something down on paper.

For my screenplay, I'm in second draft mode. I am doing the second rewrite from scratch, but it's not like I'm just writing off the top of my head. Since I pretty much know how my characters are and how they behave from writing the first draft, when I rewrite the story I have to really think about whether my characters would actually behave and talk the way that I'm writing that they do. In first draft mode, at least in my first draft mode, I sort of know stuff about my characters but not how they actually talk and behave. There's a sense of discovery and exploration of the character in first draft mode. In second draft mode, it's more like does what I'm writing ring true for the character from what I already know about him or her.

That whole section above probably didn't make sense at all, but there is a difference in a second draft rewrite.

I was thinking of taking tomorrow off, but I decided not to. I want my screenwriting teacher to read my screenplay before I send it off to the contest, but if she doesn't, it's not that big of a deal for me. It's not like this is a final, final draft. This is the second draft of my screenplay, and I'm sending in to the contest for two reasons. One, to see how I rate along side other writers and two, to move my screenplay to a state, a place, where I can comfortable leave it until I decide to work on it again.

Since it's the world series as well as football season, I'm into sports analogies. Using baseball analogies. The first draft of your work is like getting to first base. Second and third base represent either a 2nd or third draft or however many drafts you feel you need to get to second and third base. When you write your final, final draft, then you've scored a run. Using football analogies. The first draft is the return after a kickoff. The drafts represent downs, and who know how many downs it will take you to get to the goal line, or get your writing piece to a point where you're satisfied with it and you feel there's nothing else you can do to improve on it. The final final draft means you've scored a touchdown.

Entering my screenplay into a contest in second draft mode is like going from first to second base. I've moved the screenplay further along in the process. I can either leave my screenplay at second bae, or if I wanted to, I could work on it some more and move it from second to third base, and then work on it again until I'm absolutely done, which will mean I've reached home plate and scored a run.

It's good to for me to move my writing pieces out of first draft mode, and to get them further along in the process. I haven't been very good at moving my writing pieces along, having only rewritten two short stories. I'd like to change that. This screenplay will set the table for my writing pieces to move towards final draft mode.

Maybe if I didn't work full time, or if there wasn't a compelling world series on with the hometown team playing, or if I didn't have this very interesting bible class I attend every Wednesday night which makes my mind reel and buzz, I could write with the kind of intensity that I'd like to have. But life is always going to get in the way of my creativity, so I think I just need to write with the kind of intensity that comes naturally to me. And for now, my intensity is there, it's just not there every day. I definitly need time off just to recharge my creative energies, especially after an intense writing session. I wrote for four hours on Monday, and two hours on Saturday and Sunday. I probably could have written for a longer period of time on Saturday and Sunday, but it was hard to settle down to write. Once I do settle down, the writing becomes easier and I think if the world series wasn't on, I could concentrate a little better and get more writing done.

Some part of me wonders if I'm just making excuses and rationalizing my laziness and my inability to meet my own deadlines. I wish I knew the answer.

Right now all I can think about is GO GIANTS!

Jungle karma? Brian Sabean, the GM for the SF Giants, was interviewed on the Jim Rome's radio show, The Jungle. Does he believe in the jungle karma? Was he on there to get good karma for the Giants in tonight's world series games 4? Hmmmm ... interesting.

Wow! Scott Ostler, a sport columnist for the SF Chronicle, saw the similarity between the way the Anaheim Angels play baseball and the "west coast" football offense of the 49ers. - Scott Ostler's column on World Series game 3.

I can't believe I called it, and a sport writer agreed with me. Trippy!!!

An unproductive night. The world series is such a distraction. I think I burnt myself out on writing last night, and I guess I needed to take a break. 13 scenes in a night is a lot. I upped my schedule and was pushing for a Thursday night finish, but perhaps this was way to aggressive. I have bible class tomorrow night, and I'm usually burn out afterwards. I originally wanted to finish my screenplay by Sunday, so I'm really still on track.

The game tonight was tense. The Angels play really great ball. Most clubs seem to rely on the homeruns, but not Anaheim. They seem to play baseball the old fashioned way; base hits and lots of stealing. The Angel offense reminded me of the much vaunted football "West Coast Offense", which I believe was made famous by the 49ers. The team does short a quick pass, and gets down the field on extra yardage run after the initial catch. One announcer tonight said, you gotta keep those players moving around the bases in baseball. In football, you've got to keep the bal moving down the field towards the end zone. I guess it's the kind of same thing in baseball. You got keep the players going around the bases to score runs and win games.

The Angels really made the game feel like a team sport, since all the players contributed. I'm not sure what happened to the Giants. I wonder if they got nervous, since it was the first world series in Pac Bell park. When the A's, who beat the Angels, played the Giants, the A's always looked like the stonger team. Does this mean that the American League is a stronger league?

I exercised tonight, which made me feed good since I didn't exercise last night because I was too busy writing. I was bummed too, but the time just got away from me.

I'm going to miss game 4 of the world series because of bible studies, and I am tempted to skip class. I would do it normally, but the pastor gave everyone a lecture last week about coming to class and doing the homework. I don't think even the excuse of a San Francisco world series would be a good excuse to skip, unless I had tickets to the game.

The experts are saying the series will go to game 7. I don't know. Those Angels looked really strong. For the Giants' sake, I'm praying it goes to game 6 or 7. Tonight's loss guarantees that the game go back to Anaheim for the final two games. At least it will be warmer down south than it is here tonight.

I finished to scene 30, which means I'm half way through my screenplay. I'm only on page 37, which sort of worries me, but there are more scenes this time that are purely visual with no speaking. This is definitely the most visual draft of all my screenplays. I'm trying to think of it as a silent film, meaning that if you were watching the movie without sound, I'm trying to make sure an audience would still get the story or get the story more or less.

I'd always thought of myself as a very visual thinker, but writing this screenplay has challenged this assumption. Supposedly men have an easier time thinking visually than women, and I'm starting to wonder if that's true.

I'm more relaxed about my screenplay and writing than I've ever been, and I have to thank my baseball character Jim Reilly for that. He's taught me that writing is like any sport or any job for that matter. You've got to work your bunnies off to get anywhere. I think I put myself under a lot of unnnecessary pressure thinking that I had to be perfect and successful right away. I was consequently freaking out, because I've never been perfect and successful about anything starting out. I didn't how to do that and I was freaking out about it.

But my baseball dude guy has taught me that writing is going to be about hard work. And I can deal with that. I've worked hard at stuff all my life. I've had too. Nothing has come very easy to me, at least in my own mind. When I got really good at tennis in junior high, I played every day and did stroke work in front of a mirror. I lived and breathed tennis 8 hours or more a day, especially n the summer. My old doubles partner from junior high told me at graduation, that she wished I kept on playing tennis. Kara said that together we could have ranked # 1 in doubles in state. She didn't too bad without me, she and her partner ranked third in state.

I suppose it was nice of her to say this, although looking back it pisses me off that I stopped playing tennis, but I didn't feel like I had the support at home to continue in that demanding sport. And that's a whole other story.

Anyway, I guess I feel better about my writing because now I feel like I have the necessary skills to succeed. I know how to work hard, and stay on point, and get stuff done. With my work ethic, I was able to run 3 marathons. I know how to work my bunnies off to distraction and get stuff done. All the creativity stuff, I'm not too sure about, but hard work, I definitely have that part down. It also makes me more relaxed since like any sport or job, it takes awhile to get good, a good long while. I figure I have a few years more to go get good at writing, and that means I have a lot less internalized pressure to deal with.

Yep, I definitely have the work like a dog part down good. I only hope the work like a dog thing helps with my writing. At least it can't hurt.

I've been pondering the wisdom of sending the 10-draft outline, 2nd-written draft of my screenplay to a contest. I think it's going to take at least 3 more written drafts to get my screenplay to a final draft state, and 3 drafts is really an optimistic number. But entering my screenplay into a contest is the only way to measure how I stand up to the competition. Sending the secreenplay out into the world is a also a good place to end the project and move on to my other types of writing.

I'm looking forward to starting Nanowrimo in November and I even have a new novel idea. The working title to my new novel will be "The Crow Priestess". It's about an 18 year old superstar head priestess of an ancient tribe, and her rise and fall from power. This will be my first attempt at fantasy type literature, and I am so looking forward to it. I won't have to deal with conventions of reality. I will be able to create this wild and fantastical world where magical creatures exist and people can do fun magical stuff. I can make my characters literally as big and powerful as I want them to be, or small and insignificant as insects.

My 18 year old superstar priestess will be betrayed by her fellow priestesses, who crave her power. I see the novel as study in power, and how it affects people. People who want power but don't have it, people who have power and don't care about it, and people who want power and will do do anything including murder to get it. My teenage superstar priestess has an ancient family secret, which is the source of her power and her abilities. She has been sworn never to reveal it, but the power of her position goes to her head and she ends up revealing the secret. Pride is her downfall, and it will cost her the head priestess position and practically her life. I decided that I didn't want to kill her off at the end, but she will be left at the end to ponder very painfully the consequences of her actions.

Isn't that more of a fun plot than my silly family drama baseball screenplay? I would have given up on the screenplay a long time ago, if I didn't have this crazy urge to finish it. By October 31st, the baseball screenplay will be done, sent off and out of my hands, and I am so looking forward to that day.

I'm kind of wishing I was still working in downtown San Francisco, so I could go to the World Series SF Giants rallies. I would even lurk around Union Square to see if I could get an Anaheim Angel sighting, since the team is probably staying at one of hotels there. If the Giants win, I'm sure they'll parade down Market Street. The 49ers did that whenever they won the superbowl, and it was such a trip to see the football players in the cable cars waving at their adoring fans. Steve Young looked massive up close, and he was small compared to some of the defensive guys.

If the Giants win the World Series and they have their victory parade, I'm definitely taking time off from work to go and see them. The crowds will be massive and it will be chaotic, but it will be so much fun. And who knows when the Giants will ever win the world series again, since it's been about 40 years since the last one.

GO GIANTS!!!

The weight loss is going slowly, but at least it's going. I'm down to 157.5 pounds, despite the fact that I made my way through a pint of Ben & Jerry's vanilla ice cream with fat free chocolate sauce chocolate. I definitely can't keep ice cream in the house, without eating it every day. I don't usually crave icecream either, so I'm sure it was a stress craving.

I bought some strawberries on Sunday, so when I'm craving a dessert I'll have strawberries with chocolate sauce. Strawberries are probably better for me than icecream anyway. I also bought some apples, and I'm looking forward to eating applies with fat free caramel sauce.

What's weird is I can see eating like this for the rest of my life. It's really not that bad. But who knows what I'll feel like doing in April or May, which is my new target time to be at my weight goal. I can easily see myself totally binging on chocolate and icecream for a week, just to celebrate. I might even break down and eat a steak, just to really be evil and bad. It's been years since I've eaten a steak, so maybe I'm due for once every five year steak meal. I know just where to go too; Harris Steakhouse. I think it's supposed to be the best steak house in San Francisco, and I've never been there, and I want to check it out.

Look at me, I'm already dreaming of binging on chocolate, ice cream and steak next spring. YIKES!!!

I managed to get to scene 17. It's hard to write this baseball screenplay of mine, when the home team is playing in the world series, and I feel obligated to watch them. The 9 scenes I wrote tonight were the hardest though since I had to get through to the first act and the crucial turning point of the story.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm probably going to have to write several drafts of this screenplay before it's any good, and even then who knows. The writers of the movie "Blue Crush" wrote 8 or more drafts, and that movie while good, had some major flaws.

I don't know why more women don't watch sports. God, talk about a bunch of pretty boys on both teams. I love watching all that young male flesh in their prime at the top of their game. JT Snow is really cute, once he takes his cap off. Robb Nen looks way better without facial hair, although what is it with that heavy gold chain around his neck. So disco.

David Eckstein reminds me of that Cousins guy from the Arizona Diamondbacks I love the Angel Salmon story. Salmon has been with the Angels for 10 years, and it's been his only team. He's a rarity in baseball. And poor Kevin Appier. I remember him when he was pitching for the Oakland A's. And poor Russell Ortiz, and in front of a hometown crowd too. The Angel manager, Mike Scioscia, was cute as young man and he's aged very nicely as well. The announcers are so right. You can't tell from looking at Scioscia whether the team is losing or winning. He looks exactly the same.

The world series is definitely a distraction to me right now. And I feel bad because I think I'm an american league girl, and sometimes I kind of root for the Angels. Don't know why either, since they're in the same division as my beloved A's. But when push comes to shove, I will always root for the Giants.

I think it's going to be a great series, and I hope it goes to game 7, only because it's more exciting then. Talk about a nailbiter.

Watching tonight's world series game has really shown me that to get a win, you've really got to work hard. The Angels and the Giants battled for every run. Every inning was like the 9th inning and both teams fought hard. What really strikes me about baseball and these two teams, is thinking of these kids as young boys. Many of the players from both teams, grew up in SoCal and were team mates or rivals in high school.

I think of all the young boys who started out in little league, who played high school ball, then went onto college ball or the minors, and then finally onto to the major league teams, and then if they're lucky, they're playing in the world series. I think about the selection process these boys went through, how hard they must have worked from a young age to even now, developing their talent, their bodies and their skills. And even when they get to the majors, it's not all easy. Look at JT Snow. He's had a bad year, and now he's on a hot streak in the world series.

I know writing must be exactly the same way. These men had god given talent, and they just kept working that talent, developing that talent, and working hard all their lives. These ball players make it look easy now because they are at the top of their individual games, but it took a lot of hard work and alot of years for them to get to where they are.

It would be dishonorable of me to expect that my road, if there is one, to the pinnacle of my writing talent, will not be any less long, difficult and arduous. Like these baseball players, people have told me at a young age that I had natural writing talent. I never believed them, and went on to other things. But unlike these baseball players, writing talent doesn't seem to depend on age. In fact, it seems takes quite a bit of living and maturity to be a good writer, although there are many writers who've excelled at a very young age.

If I write tomorrow, I'll still be on track to finish my screenplay by the end of the week. I had hoped to finish sooner, and probably would have if the Giants weren't in the series. But oh well. I've learned quite a bit about life and my writing from watching this world series so far, and maybe that's all that really matters.

I just finished writing the first seven scenes of my screenplay. Starting is hard, but once I do start, I'm fine. My goal is to write 30 scenes by Sunday, so 7 scenes down and 23 more to go.

I'll write a review for La Boheme tomorrow.

I haven't been in a writing mood lately, so it's been hard to know what to write. I've been in an odd mood lately, but maybe it's the almost full moon that's affecting my mood.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing, and what it's supposed to mean to me. I guess I'm not liking what I'm discovering. I think having gifts can very cruel. There are some people who would give their right arm to have a gift that other people have. And just because you have a gift doesn't mean life becomes any easier. And who's to say if you have a gift anyway, because sometimes it sure doesn't look like it. Other people tell you have a gift, and really that's the only way you know, because you sure as hell can't tell for yourself. And what if you don't really have a gift, but you make it because you're driven.

I think I'm a little driven sometimes, although I'm not sure why. I've just been this way about everything for a long time. Something inside drives me, and right now I don't like the fact that I am so driven. Being driven has so many drawbacks. I'm starting to think that if I wasn't so driven, my life would be so different. But I can't stop this feeling I have to strive. It's odd.

If I'm not driving myself I get depressed, but when I stop striving I still get depressed. It'shard to explain. Sometimes I think I write because I'm ambitious and I'm driven. I do enjoy writing, but I think I only enjoy wriitng because I'm good at it.

I don't know. I think I'm just going through some weird exercise in mental and spiritual gymnastics right now. I wish I could stop writing. Just give up and never care. But I can't do that without feeling tremendous guilt that I'm letting myself down. So no matter what I do, it seems I lose and this sense of loss is an awful feeling. Like no matter how I proceed in life, I will never escape this sense of loss. Do other people feel this way? Nobody ever talks about it and I feel really alone right now, and I'm not used to feeling this lonely.

This is probably not making any sense at all, and I've been feeling this way since Friday. Crazy isn't it?

I'm seeing Baz Luhrmann's La Boheme tonight. It should be fun, and I do love opera. I'm also having dinner at restaurant with a friend beforehand, but I'm going to be good and will try not to eat too many fattening foods.

I stepped on the scale earlier this week, and I think I will be on track to lose 2 pounds, so I've got to keep the momentum of my weight loss going.

I've had a headache all day. It's probably stress from my screenplay. I rewrote the version 3 of the outline, and incorporated many of the suggestions from the screenwriting group last night.

I just have to resign myself to the fact, that it's going to take more than a few rewrites to get my screenplay to the point that I really like it. I think this is now the 7th draft outline I've written for it. I wrote 3 draft outlines prior to the first original draft screenplay. And that first draft was really the fourth outline because the story changed as I was writing it.

So now I'm on third draft outline again, and the second draft of the screenplay will probably be the 8th outline. Rewriting is just wild, really wild, and so damned time consuming and hard, hard work. Big sigh!!! Gggrrrr!!!!

I apologize for whining about my writing so much. I'll figure it out. I'm a smart rat. I have amateur computer hack mentality. There isn't any system I can't figure out, so I'll apply my computer hack mentality to my screenplay.

I was reading the workbook from this seminar I took in May last night. That seminar had a whole section on the three blocks to enlightenment, which are.

1) boredom - comes from undirected attention
2) confusion - comes from not relating or not understanding (con - against, fusion - to be one)
3) paradox - comes from the conflict between two contraditory beliefs.

I'm definitely "confused" by the whole screenwriting process. The May seminar taught that the way out of confusion, was to pick one thing from the item that you're confused about, and focus on that. It's kind of like saying, you can understand the universe by looking at how one small thing relates to it. Or something like that. I don't have the workbook with me now, to get the right quote.

I need to pick one thing from screenplay, and understand the universe through it. My screenplay is about the parent/child relationship; this is the theme my screenplay is exploring. I think if I just focus on the parent/child relationship, I'll be able to find an ending that I'm happy with and is satisfying. I think I'm making my screenplay process too complicated. Storytelling is a simple process. I need to remember this. Nothing is more satisfying to me, than a simple story told very, very well. If I focus on what I really love about movies, I know I'll find the happy medium between what I want as an artist and what will satisfy a sophisticated movie going audience. Keeping in mind that I love Hollywood mainstream sappy happy movies and totally hate most anti-establishment independent films, I know I can find the happy medium between the two worlds. I've got to. This is the paradox I see of the screenwriting; to be mainstream and normal in what is basically an outlaw, radical and anti-establishment community.

I'm a writer, and I suppose by definition I'm anti-establishment. But in reality, I'm really not. I'm not the kind of writer who wants to break new ground, start a new genre, or push the envelope of creativity. That kind of writing is boring to me ultimately. I don't have the temperament to reinvent the wheel. I just want to tell a good story, and tell that story very, very well. Telling a story that is entertaining and interesting, that touches your heart is my ultimate goal. I just have to remember this truth about my writing, and let this truth guide my writing. All this other "stuff" I'm going through and I'm hearing is someone else's vision of movies, somebody else's truth, but it's not mine.

I attended a screenwriting group meeting tonight, and read my outline out loud for everyone. God, why oh why am I writing screenplays? They are so hard! They're so much harder to write than novels. I just don't think I think very visually or cinematically. I don't see action right away, or maybe I'm just being lazy and I think everyone is talky like me and just goes around and vomits their feelings all over the place. I don't know.

The structure is fine, the story is fine, it's my beginning and ending which suck! I think this is the reason I gave up writing in high school. I don't know how to end my stories. I'm an E(sometimes an I) NFJ on that Myers-Briggs test ! It's that J coming out. I like everything to end neatly. I like all my endings tied up. I don't like ambiguous endings. Ambiguous endings are disturbing, most of the time unless they're done really well.

I wish I was clever, I wish I was smarter, I wish I could figure out a way to end my stories in a good way, but I can't. I just have to wrap everything up in a neat package, tied with a pretty pink bow

I can't believe I'm making myself write a 110 screenplay, which is only going to be the second draft of the story, and then have it ready to send out for a contest on October 31. Aren't you supposed to send your final drafts to contests? Why am I sending out the second draft?

I'm nuts, completely nuts,l and my screenwriting teacher is nutty too for thinking I can do this. Damn!!! I"m freaking!!!! My acting teacher warned me that he thought my biggest weakness was my fear of failure. I was a bad actress because I couldn't let go on stage, that I was just too buttoned up, too damned WASPy like, that I couldn't just cry and show emotion on stage, that I was afraid of really letting go, that I thought too much, that I was terrified of failing. And you know, he was right. I FEAR FAILURE!!! Like doesn't everybody? Like DUH!!! What kind of deep thought is that? I fear failure.

I thought by writing I could get away from fear of failure, but here it is again. And when I wrote my 9/11 piece for SFGate and it made me cry to write and then read it, I thought I'd gotten over showing my emotions in my writing. But that damned failure thing is showing up again. What if I can't write a good ending? What if I write an ending that I hate, but everybody else likes. This is how it usually goes for me anyway. What I hate, everybody else likes. It's a pattern. It makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing writing?

When I listen to other people trying to come up with their stories, it amazes me, because stories come so easily for me. I'm also pretty darn good with structure too, it seems. It's the stupid other stuff like endings and actions in a film that drive me insane, and that's the part most people find easy. I'm so backwards about everything I do. I hate this, I totally hate this.

Can you tell I'm frustrated? My learning curve is so huge, it seems so unsurmountable to me right now.

I think I just need to sit down and pray about all of this. Maybe do something I did in my 20's when I was overly spiritual about everything, and just all my problems to God. Let him deal with this. He got me into this mess in the first place, so he'd better get me out. But then I'm afraid if I do this, what if it's been too long. What if I don't get an answer? Then what? Is this the part where you've fallen off the cliff and you're hitting everything along the way, so that by the time you hit bottom, you're so bruised from all the knocks, you're already dead? I feel like this right now. My faith is being tested, being tested big time, and I don't know how I'm going to come out on the other side.

On the weight loss front, I didn't lose any weight last week. I didn't expect to anyway. I was stress eating because of my broken fridge, and it was that time of the month again. Stress and the monthly thing isn't the best combination for losing weight.

On Saturday I decided on a whim to take my measurements again, even though I had just measured myself last week. To my surprise, I discovered I lost one whole inch, and in the weirdest places too. I lost 0.5 inches off my knee and 0.5 inches off my calf. My knees and calves are smaller now, then when I was fit and healthy after spending a week at that health spa in southern Utah.

So even know though I didn't lose weight last week, my body is shrinking and maybe even adjusting itself. I have a feeling it might take more than a week for my body to adjust itself to my new weight. I'm 25 pounds thinner now then I was back in April of 2001, and my calves and knees are smaller than they were in 1995. Something is definitely going on with my body, but I think it's a good thing. Getting smaller eveywhere, even in places you've never been smaller before, has got to be a good thing.

After all that whining, I've come up with a solution. I'll just put off all my major expenses till next year. I'll max out my flexible spending account, and pay for my new fashionable pair of glasses that way. The flexible spend money comes out pre-tax, so it's like I'm getting 30-40% more for my money, sort of.

By next year, I'll know more about what's going on with my job and I'll be able to relax again. God, I hate waiting. Waiting is evil!!! It's delayed gratification, which is a concept I totally hate!!! Who needs delayed gratification? When I want something, I want it now!!! I must have driven my parents insane, huh? I think I was one of those kids, who used to be pacified as soon as I cried. My mom used to joke that I had very healthly lungs when I was a baby.

God, I hate being on a budget! I think I detest being on a budget, as much as I detest being on a diet! I hate not being able to buy whatever I want. I hate having to put things off, like getting a new pair of glasses and sun clip-ons, because I'm afraid I'll be unemployed by the end of the year. I hate not being able to eat as much ice cream as I want, or not drinking as much as beer as I want, or freaking out because I ate too many chips and guacamole dip at a party.

I mean, I have the money to spend $200 on a new pair of glasses, but it feels like such a luxury in this bad economy. There's nothing wrong with the pair of glasses I bought in 2000, after all. I'm just bored as hell with them.

Maybe it's my parents' fault, I'm having a hissy fit right now. They totally indulged me when I was growing up, and yes, okay, I am somewhat spoiled materially, but that's not my fault. I can't help it that I have expensive tastes, that I have this gift for only liking the most expensive thing in any store or the thing that's going to cost a ton of money. I only really look good in certain styles and things, and those styles and things, are always very expensive.

Okay, I know I'm whining big time here, but maybe trying to diet with food and money is not the best thing in the world to do. You can do one or other, but not both. I am so stressed. All I want to do is eat Ben and Jerry's ice cream and chocolate sauce.

Wow! The world series in the California Republic. The world series Cali style! I'm sure the papers outside of the California Republic will have much to say about this interesting turn of events. Everybody seems to hate California, especially the 9 county San Francisco Bay Area and of course, the region of celluloid sin, the Los Angeles region.

It will definitely be interesting to read what they say about the Disney Team and the left wing whackos from the Left Coast. Let the editorials begin!

You've got to respect the power of a streak. The San Francisco Giants are going to the world series. They peaked at the right time. They were on a streak, and they're world series bound. I'm so tempted to get a ticket. I've been to a world series game before when the Oakland A's played the Cincinnati Reds back in the early 90s's, and it would so cool to go another one.

Go Giants!

The terrorist attack in Bali makes me so sad. I spent a month in Bali about 12 years ago, and it is a beautiful island. I think I even remember where the Sari club is on Kuta Beach, since I spent two weeks at a resort there. The people in Bali are so religious; making offerings to their gods about three times a day. Bali was such a safe place to be. When I was there, there was no violent crime to speak of.

Now it seems that's all changed, and I feel most of all sorry for the Indonesian people and what the attack will do to their already faltering economy. Bali was a big destination for Australian tourists, and many students went to Bali on for their breaks.

I wonder what the people who said that America was to blame for the 9/11 attacks will say now? Are the Indonesians to blame? The Aussies? I wonder if those people who blamed US foreign policy for 9/11 are now ashamed for saying what they said?

I'm tired today. I ate too mucy yummy fattening food at the bbq yesterday. We ended up watching the SF Giants/SL Cardinals game. It's exciting to think that the home team is one game away from getting into the world series. My poor beloved A's are out, but the SF Giants are in, so the half of me is happy at least.

I would love to go the world series game, but tickets are probably going to so expensive. I'm already going to La Boheme on Thursday, and shelled out $70 for that ticket. None of my close girlfriends really like baseball, and would only attend if they get a free ticket. It's kind of drag sometimes to be a girl who likes sports. I really don't know why more women don't enjoy sports. I played sports growing up, so I appreciate people who play sports. But I was lucky that way growing up. Both my parents were sports enthusiasts, and played competitive sports growing up. I'm just a product of their sports attitudes, and their habits since I also grew up watching sports programs on TV.

Sometimes I think most women don't like sports because it's a guy thing, and not a girl thing. Or maybe it has to do with women having to compete for attention with sports with their man. I like watching sports, so I consider sporting events an enjoyable activity you do with your guy. But I'm weird that way I think. I mean, I watch sports on TV whether I'm with a guy or not. How weird is that for a chickie girl?

No Mr. Welsh from Trainspotting unfortunately. The bar was filled to the capacity when we got there, and there was a line going down the block to get in. It was definitely poor planning on our part, but who knew he would get that kind of crowd. We ended up at some bar, where you could buy beers for $3 and well drinks for $2.50. It was my kind of bar; dark, small and the drinks were cheap.

My Tibetan Energy Yoga class was cancelled as well, which bummed me out. To make up for this loss I signed up for another seminar in November, with the man I learned tibetan yoga techniques back in May. His office recommended I attend a companion seminar being held on the previous day with Russell Targ, who wrote Miracles of the Mind. So I signed up for that one as well.

The blue angels were buzzing around yesterday afternoon for Fleet Week, so I got up on my roof and watched them. They fly with so much precision and speed, so they are very cool to watch. I remember watching them as a child, so I'm amazed that the program is still around. They were flying so low, you could see the numbers on the bottom of their planes.

I feel better today. I made myself sleep alot, which always helps my mood because then I dream weird dreams. I think longer periods of sleep help my subconsicous work itself out in dreams. I've gone back to my half hour ritual of praying and meditation again. Last week I was so stressed out about the broken fridge and my screenplay outline, that I stopped. Quieting my mind by prayer and meditation relaxes me and helps to get rid of stress.

My writing group is having a bbq at a member's house this afternoon. It's a sunny day, and it will be fun. My writing friend and her husband just bought the house last year, and although it's in Oakland and not SF, at least they've got a place they can call their own. I prefer not to live anywhere else in the SF Bay area except in the city and county of San Francisco, but with housing prices the way they are here, it's hard to be that picky when you're buying a place.

I just received feedback from my screenwriting teacher. She said my outline was "good", and suggested a few changes.

She didn't like the beginning, which is fine. I could cut three scenes from the beginning, and start where she suggested. Then I'd have three extra scenes to fill in, which I can do since the screenplay as it is now is really tight. I had a question for her about my first two opening scenes, which I'd like to keep. My only other question was if I cut those three scenes at the beginning, then two scenes which I put in at the end to wrap up what happened in the beginning are no longer necessary. At least, that's what my gut instinct is telling me. I have a thing about wrapping all the story lines up. Many writers don't do this, and some writers feel that you shouldn't neatly wrap up all the loose ends in a story because then your story becomes too neat and organized. But too bad. I like my story lines wrapped up. Besides, I think I can wrap a story line up and still make the ending of the story line ambiguous and not neat, so it's not too contrived.

Five new scenes to add in. Interesting. My screenwriting teacher also said that "every man needs a cave", and that my main character should have one. He sort of already does, but it's not straightforward. I could use the extra scenes to give my main guy more time in his cave.

I was dreading my screenwriting teacher's feedback, but it wasn't too bad. Of course, this is the time when a writer realizes that certain things about their work are sacred and can't be touched. I think I'm attached to my opening two scenes. I've managed to let go of having a voice over in the beginning, which I totally love in a movie. My screenwriting teacher convinced me that my voiceover wasn't justified. And now my opening scenes with the baseball team must go too. My screenwriting teacher said from the very beginning, back in February, that she thought the baseball team scenes were unnecessary, and now they're almost all gone. Sad!

But perhaps she's right. Baseball is just the background to the story, and it really doesn't have to be shown. But gosh darn it!!! I loved my baseball team scenes! A friend at one of my jobs convinced me of the wisdom of picking your battles wisely, and that not every battle has to be fought. Maybe I need to heed my work friend's wisdom now. At least now, I don't have to worry about getting permission from the owners of Pac Bell park to use their baseball stadium and facilities in my story. I can just say "Outside of the baseball park", and not say it's Pac Bell park. Using famous places is such a hassle. You first have to get permssion to the use the place in your story, and then if your movie does get sold, the cost of filming at the famous play has to be added to the movie budget. And what's worse, the famous place people might not even give you permission to mention their location in your story or let a movie be filmed there. It's so not worth the bother really.

By taking the baseball scenes completely out, I also won't get the severe scrutiny from the die hard baseball fan community either. Those people are so persnickety about getting the baseball stuff right.

Still, I hate losing my baseball team scenes. Never mind that they weren't very accurate, they were sort of my favorites. Sigh!

Writing feels like I'm being crucified somehow. It's incredibly lonely and painful to bare your soul on paper, and I have constant thoughts which go something like "Oh god, why have you forsaken me? Why can't I just be like everyone else, and watch TV and have no inclination to express my creativing in such a revealing way. God, why did you abandon me? You know I'm a sissy, a wuss, and I hate pain and I hate being criticized. You know my ego is more fragile than glass sliver." Then I start wondering if an experience I had in my childhood is to blame for these feelings. Let me explain.

When I was 12 and going through that hormonal raging period, my aunt and uncle and their family had moved into our house. My uncle had just finished his residency to be a doctor, and they needed a place to live until he could pass the state medical bar exam and get a job. My uncle is a deeply religious catholic, and he went to mass constantly. I started going with him and my cousins, and became for a brief time like a born again catholic.

We went to Novena mass on Wednesday, some other service on Friday and of course church on Sunday. I even sang in my catholic church choir that year. When Easter came around that year, we went to Stations of the Cross mass and I became really caught up in the whole thing, so caught up that I used sob uncontrollably during the whole mass. I remember getting this idea in my silly 12 year old head that to really one with Jesus Christ, I needed a sign. So catholic huh, to want a sign. I remember going to the library, and looking up catholic signs and miracles. In this one book, I read about people who received stigmata in their hands and/or feet. Since it was easter, I decided that I wanted a stigmata to appear in my hands or feet so I could experience crucifixion with Jesus. Then I could go into the nunnery and be a bride of christ forever. Don't all young catholic girls fantasize about being chosen to be a nun, a bride of christ, a servant of the lord, pure, chaste and celibate for the rest of your life?

I remember praying every night and at each mass I went to, for god to give me stigmata. I remember wantng to really know what it was like to be crucified like Jesus. Of course, I never got my stigmata and well, then I discovered boys. It then occurred to me that maybe being a nun wasn't such a good idea. I was supremely disappointed I wasn't chosen to be a bride of christ and have stigmata, but then maybe feeling the pain of crucifixion wouldn't have been such a good idea either.

Is God now granting my wish and making me feel the pain of crucifixion in my writing? Had I known at age 12 it was going to be this painful, I wouldn't have prayed for it Does this mean be careful of what you might wish for, because you might get it some time before you die? What a scary thought!

I finished my screenplay outline and sent it to my screenwriting teacher today. I'm not sure if I'm happy with it, but at least it's done. What a labour of love writing is!!!

This has definitely been a hard week for me. I've been feeling very alone and isolated all week, except for yesterday when I went to see my optometrist for my annual eye exam. We started talking about the war on Iraq, and he compared it to Vietnam. He then told me he was a Vietnam war veteran, so we talked about his experiences for awhile. He enlisted early in 1965, and he said in 1965 there were less than 50,000 soldiers there, and that number grew in a few months to half a million. I had no idea. We started talking about boot camp, and I asked him if it was like that Stanley Kubrick movie "Full Metal Jacket". He said it was worse, and he was like the fat guy in the movie and was endlessly tortured by the other recruits. He dropped 25 pounds in 10 weeks, and at the end he stopped being afraid of getting into a fight. He said in boot camp, the recruits only get bullits when they go to the shooting range, so that part of Kubrick movie was probably unrealistic. He said the military knows better than to give recruits bullits, because if they did, the recruits would shoot the instructors.

It was nice of my optometrist to share a part of his life with me like that. I like when people open up and tell me their life story.

I think I may have been feeling so isolated, because I've been focused on getting my screenplay outline written. Writing is such a concentrated activity. It drains all my energy sometimes. I felt so isolated in bible class, which was strange, but I think I was so preoccupied with my screenplay that it was hard for me to relate to people in class.

I'm thinking of going out with friends tomorrow to see the author of "Trainspotting" read in some pub. I know I need to get out and socialize for a bit, before I start getting caught up in writing my screenplay. Tomorrow, I'm going to a Tibetan Energy Yoga class, which should be fun. I learned some tibetan yoga techniques in a seminar I took in May, and it's a different way of doing yoga than the normal indian style of yoga. Tibetan yoga is more like Tai Chi, in that it's very slow, deliberate and concentrated.

On Sunday, I'll start writing my screenplay. I'm kind of excitd about starting, and at the same time, I'm dreading it. It's that writer's fear coming up, I guess, big time, way big time.

I am so lazy and bad. I'm supposed to be working on my outline for my screenplay, so I can send it to my screenwriting teacher tomorrow for approval. I can't write my screenplay till she approves the revised outline. And I'm just stalling.

I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't enter this contest. I'll never finish the thing in time to send on October 31. I'm thinking I'm so not ready for anyone, let alone a panel of judges, to see my screenplay yet. I'm like, I don't have to write so other people can read my stories. I can just write for my own personal pleasure, and to hell with everyone else. I'm like, I'm stalling because working on the second draft is going to be so much harder than the inspirational first draft, and I'm so no ready to work that hard on my writing yet. I'm like, what if I fail at writing too, then what? What the hell else am I going to do to torture and amuse myself?

My new vacation dilemma.

My screenwriting teacher is offering a screenwriting retreat in Hawaii in January. My mom wants me to come and visit in January. I could go to the screenwriting retreat and then go and see my mom.

A friend of mine invited to go with her on a one week cruise to Mexico in March. I've never been on a cruise before, and I'm curious to know what they're like. I could use a holiday in Mexico, and it would be fun to lay in the sun for a week.

I can do one of these trips but not both. My friends tells me the Mexican cruise would only cost about $500, plus airfare to LA. The Hawaii trip with airfare and expenses for the retreat will probably run $500-$1000, and I'd be taking 10 days of vacation.

Part of me just wants to stay home and save money. The economy is so bad right, and who knows when it will get better. I should stay home, and save as much as possible and pay off my credit card debts. If I'm vigilant, I will be completely debt free by the end of next year. Debt free that is, except for my car. I have had credit card debt for the last 12 years, and once you start down that road it's hard to get off of it. I get close to paying it all off, then I just add more to it. I'm just sick of the cycle. I'm committed to getting it all paid off, and then never getting back into it. I'll still use my credit cards, but I'm determined to not let it get out of control anymore and pile up again. With all the churn about my job and the economy, getting rid of a stressor like debt will lighten my anxiety level.

I can always go to Hawaii another year, as well as go on a cruise later. I have three months to decide. I told my screenwriting teacher and my friend, that if I'm still gainfully employed at the end of the year, I'll consider a vacation. In the old days, I would thrown caution to the wind and gone to Hawaii and go on a mexican cruise. But that's how my debts piled up, and I'm not willing to do that anymore.

I finished the 60 beat structure for my revised screenplay last night. I don't know why I'm even doing this. Thinking cinematically is so difficult for me. I can't help but feel I'm writing the next Lifetime TV movie of the week. My old acting teacher told me that my script was so TV like. Grrrrrr!!!

The only good thing right now about entering the screenwriting contest is I'll be done with it. That's what my screenwriting teacher said. When you send it out, you can consider the screenplay complete and finished and you're free to move on to your next project.

My screenwriting teacher told me it takes a writer three scripts to learn the craft of screenwriting. If your of college age, you have to write 10 scripts before you figure it out all out. This is only my first script. If folk wisdom holds true, this script is just a teaching vehicle and nothing more. Why oh why would my screenwriting teacher tell me that I should start entering contests? Shouldn't I wait till I'm on my fourth script, so I have a chance at least to compete? Why would you submit your first screenplay to a contest?

None of this makes any sense to me, and the only reason I'm doing this is just so I move on to my next project.

I do like my new beat structure. It's much tighter than my first screenplay, but I don't know. Would anyone pay movie to see this? I would fork over $9 to see this movie, but I'm the author, I have to see it.

My top ten Star Trek Selector results. I have no idea what this means though.

#1 Seven of Nine
#2 Commander Chakotay
#3 Neelix
#4 The EMH (doctor from voyager)
#5 Admiral James T. Kirk
#6 Admiral Spock
#7 Chancellor Martok
#8 Chief of Security Odo
#9 Admiral Montgomery Scott (Scotty)
#10 Commander William Riker

My amatuer exegesis on Matthew 9:27-31.

The Healing of the Two Blind Men (Matthew 9:27-31)

Theological Discoveries – Discoveries made about God and what God is about in the passage.

1. In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus’ healing ministries happened after The Sermon on the Mount. “The Messiah of the Word (the sermon) reveals himself as also the Messiah of the Deeds (the miracles)”. (The Gospel of Matthew by F.W. Beare, Harper & Row, 1981).

Jesus revealed himself as messiah in the Sermon on the Mount, and then followed up by revealing himself as a healer in performing miracles. God’s words are followed by actions.

2. When the two blind men acknowledged Jesus as “the son of David”, they acknowledged his lineage to David, and therefore to Abraham. “The promises made in ages past through the prophets have now been fulfilled in the person of Jesus, the long awaited ‘Messiah’, who is the born ‘son of David.”

Jesus is proof that God kept his promise to Abraham to send a “Messiah”.

3. In this healing, Jesus was fulfilling the prophecies of a Messiah who heals the blind in the Old Testament; Isaiah 29:18, Isaiah 35:5, Isaiah 42:7.

Jesus’ healing abilities fulfills the prophecies made in Isaiah about the “Messiah”.

4. In The Life of Jesus by Marcello Craveri (Grove Press, 1967), Craveri writes that “The most common diseases … were then (as they are still) those of the eyes caused by the dust and glaring sunlight”. Craveri also notes that “For all such diseases … the Hebrew people had a superstitious explanation: each one was really a kind of “uncleanness” incurred through the infraction of some ritual law. The idea of illness was therefore closely linked to punishment. Even death, according to Holy Scriptures, was an extreme consequence of sin. …Cure, therefore, was held to be possible only if God granted his pardon and remitted the penalty, and it was to be sought only through special rites of purification and through offerings to the Temple”.

Jesus’ healing of the two blind men was radical for the time. The blind men did not go through rites of purification, nor did they make offerings to the temple. The two blind men were healed because 1) they asked and 2) they believed in Jesus. Since blindness was considered a consequence of sin, Jesus’ healing says that through belief in him, the sins of these blind men were cleansed. And then later with the resurrection, Jesus again demonstrated that the extreme punishment of sin, death, can be conquered through belief in him, and belief in him alone.

5. The two blind men believed in Jesus and had faith in him, though they had not seen his earlier miracles. The two blind men’s faith was based solely on what they heard about Jesus through other people.

This passage is in contrast to what happened in John 20 with the disciple Thomas. “Jesus said to him (Thomas), ‘Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’” (John 20:29)

Faith is essential to be a follower of Christ.

Central Thought

Jesus Christ is the fulfillment of God’s promise to Abraham to save his faithful people.

Application

Faith in Jesus Christ will open your eyes to a whole new world and a whole new way of seeing.

I spent the night creating separate plot lines for all the characters in my screenplay, while listening to the talking heads deconstruct the president's speech. I still don't know what I feel about the country going to war with Iraq. I wish there was an easy diplomatic solution, but there isn't one. I've already scenes reports on the Net saying that the Iraqis have started destroying evidence of their activities, and moving everything to the off limits presidential palaces. The Iraqis have proved over and over again that they're not to be trusted, and that they will do everything they can to thwart the UN inspectors. I don't expect their behaviour to change.

With that said, I do agree that Sadam must be contained. But to go in without world or UN approval is not a good thing. I don't think our military is prepared to fight and on the ground house to house war. Too many budget cuts over the years, have decimated the once almighty powerful US military. A military I might add, as evidenced by the Pentagon witnesses before the attack on Afghanistan, is still unprepared as they were in Vietnam, to fight a terrorist style war. My biggest fear is that the cost of war with Iraq will irreperably harm the US economy, as the war in Afghanistan in the 1980's crippled the Soviet economy and hastened the collapse of the communist government. The US won the Cold War by default, because the russian economy tanked. It was not a triumph of democracy as Reagan declared at the fall of the Berln Wall, but a triumph of economic principle. Spend too much money, and you go bankrupt. It applies to individuals as well as countries.

But if we don't go to war, I'm afraid the alternative would be fo us to just sit around and wait for a terrorist to attack us again. And I don't think that's a viable alternative either.

One thing is for sure, whether we fight Iraq or not, the terrorists attacks will never stop. But perhaps what I will say, is that I prefer the country remain in action in the fight against terrorism, and not give into fear or complacency or the naivete that if we just leave other countries alone, they will leave us alone. 9/11 proved that we can no longer remain naive and trust the world like a wide eyed innocent, who thinks that if we're peaceful, we won't be harmed, that if we just stopped making war with other countries, it will solve all our foreign policy problems. NOT!!!!

Japan Nikkei -331.18 -3.67%

South Korea Seoul Composite -19.51 -3.00%

Taiwan Taiwan Weighted -150.73 -3.71%

What does this mean for the USA stock markets tomorrow? I'm afraid to think about it.

S&P Futures (Globex) Dec 2002 -740.00

Nasdaq 100 (Globex) Dec 2002 -850.00

I don't think tomorrow is going to be a very good day for the stock markets; pretty darn bloody on the street I would think!

I changed the colours again. I'm trying to replicate the colours of this print I have of a japanese fall scene, "Autumn at Oirase, Towada, June 1933" by Kawase Hasui (1883-1957) from the series "Collection o Scenic Views of Japan, Eastern Provinces".

We never get a proper fall here the SF Bay Area, with the falling beautiful red, gold and brown leaves. Fall is the one thing I miss about not living in a four season climate. I think it's my favorite season. But we get an Indian Summer here in San Francisco, so the Fall does it have perks here. Like today. The weather was balmy and 80 something degrees all dayand night. Nights in Hawaii are like this; hot, sultry and delicious. I love walking around at night in shorts. If only there was a warm ocean bay beach to swim around here with no nasty undertow, then I would really feel like I was living in paradise again.

What I submitted to my screenwriting teacher as a second draft, and her comments.

Working Title - "Going Home Again"
Genre - Family Drama like "Field of Dreams" and "Frequency".
Proposed Length - 110 pages.

While at home for a baseball series, a 38 year old baseball player comes to term with his unspectacular career and his impending retirement. During the night of his birthday celebration and a family reunion, the journeyman baseball player confronts his strained relationship with his dying father, his trouble relationship with his wife and estranged 10 year old son, and the old sibling rivalry with his younger brother.

The Story
Shots of San Francisco.
Voice over by main character setting up strain of returning home and family reunion.
Alternating scenes with family talking about main character, his career, the family renunion and the upcoming birthday party and;
scenes in visiting baseball team locker room with main character and team mates talking about his batting slump, his birthday, family reunions and the poor performance of the team.
Scene outside baseball park where main character runs into his little league coach. They discuss his career, his father, etc. Little
league coach asks about retirement, and tells main character how great retirement is.
Plot Point 1 - main character runs into manager after little league coach. They talk about his batting slump, and being benched for a younger player coming up from the minors. Manager hints that maybe it's time to retire. Main character is reluctant. They talking about careers, fathers and family reunions.
Scenes with family, trip to the brother's school, confrontation with father, mother, brother, and son. Main character finally confronts father and makes up with dad.
Plot Point 2 - Father has a heart attack right after conversation with dad.
Family at hospital. Scenes of resolving issues with wife and brother. Dad dies. Main character decides to play in tomorrow's game and decides not tell anyone.
Scene in visiting team locker room. Main character hits well in game and gets congratulated by team members. Meets with manager and tells him dad died, would like time off, agrees to be benched for younger player, and announces his retirement.
Final scene - funeral reception for father at parent's home. Scene with main character and son talking about grandfather, looking at the old clippings, tells him afterwards they'll play catch in the backyard just like how grandpa played with him.

Notes from Julie O:
to have the ending I have, main story is really about the main character's strained relationship with his 10 year old son - it's the A story, everything else, story with dying father, brother and wife, is a B story. Son represensts hope for the future, so that he doesn't end up like his father, and make the grandfather's death be in vain.

Julie O suggested I craft four plots or spines:
main character and son
main character and dying father
main character and brother
main character and wife.

Then weave all four plots together into one story.

I wrote the following as a note to my writing group, but I'll post it here as well.

1. I met with my screenwriting teacher tonight to talk about writing the second draft of my screenplay. She suggested that I enter my screenplay into the American Screenwriters Association/Writers Digest International Screenplay Competition October 31, 2002 (late). Julie O said it would be a good date deadline to work towards. And OH MY GOD, I think I'm going to do it! It's $55 to enter ($50 plus $5 later fee). What the hell, right? It'll be done and off my desk, and I can get on with my other writing projects, since I don't consider myself a "real screenwriter". Julie O said I'd be ready to enter with the second draft of my screenplay, which is radically different from the first.

2. I entered the National Novel Writing month contest again, where you write 50K words in the month of November. I entered under my pen name, S Brenda S. I'm calling my novel "Wallowing in the Dark".

Oh my living lord!!! I'm going to be busy writing these next two months.

Anyone care to do NANOWRIMO with me? Check the site, National Novel Writing Month. It's a blast, and really good training on how to just get through that tough first draft. Last year's competition helped me finish my screenplay.

Now with the screenwriting contest thing I'm doing, I think I'm going to go through a crash course in rewriting and polishing, and scary thought, "the real art of writing as a craft". I never thought I'd be at this point so soon. Maybe I'm not even there yet, and it's another one to two years away, but I guess I'll find out with the process of writing second draft of my screnplay, which I've renamed to "Going Home Again".

Wish me luck!

Experimenting with colours ... wanted the page to evoke fall leaves against the sky ... not sure it's working though.

I've been cleaning my apartment all day and defrosting my refrigerator. I have one of those ancient models. I plugged it in, but I think it's finally busted because my food is still warm. I ran to the store and bought a cooler and some ice. I've been hoping it would break down, so I can ask my apartment manager for a new one, but it's such a bother. I think I'll have to throw all the refrigerator food away because it will probably take awhile for me to get a new one. Guess I'll be eating out every night or at least not eating food with any cold food components.

I'm fine for breakfast and dinner since during the week I'm at work. It's dinner that's a problem.

It's all stressing me out, so much so that I'm skipping the potluck party I'm supposed to attend tonight. I was going to make a cake to bring, but if I buy eggs and milk, I won't have any place to store them.

I've never had anything break down in my apartment before, except for a problem with my sink that happened while I was away on vacation a few years ago. Nothing major anyway, except for drains being clogged up and having them change my toilet seat. I hate when things break down. I wonder if my apartment manager will replace it for free? I have no idea. There's a Sears near where I work, so if I have to buy a fridge myself, I'll buy one there. I've also seen them at Costco. I wonder how my fridges cost.

This is my second disaster in two months, counting the problem with my car windows.

On a brighter note, I'm having a meeting with my screenwriting teacher at her office tomorrow night. She's been in LA doing Hollywood type things, I guess. I'm excited to hear her feedback about my screenplay. I received email feedback, but not in person feedback. I'm supposed to pitch her the new version of my screenplay, which seems so far away right now. I'll have to work on my pitch tonight.

I want to finish my screenplay by the end of the month, and then do the National November writing month (NANOWRIMO) again. I'm going to be very busy writing for the next two months, which is very good for me.

A friend convinced me that I needed to see Baz Luhrman's "La Boheme" with her. He's the guy who directed and produced "Moulin Rouge" with Nicole Kidman and Ewan MacGregor. I totally hated that movie, but my friend adored it. She said that this production of La Boheme should be excellent, because the cast is coming straight from Broadway. Broadway type shows are so darn expensive. The good seats are $90. The cheap seats are really bad and cost $55, and you're in the last row of the third balcony.

I told her I couldn't afford $90. I've seen Broadway shows really close up, and from far away, and unless you're sitting in the first five rows in the orchestra, it's not worth paying top dollar. I'm afraid the show will be like the movie "Moulin Rouge", and I'll have paid $90 for a show which I thoroughly hated. I'd much rather see the opera, St Francis of Assisi, then a Baz Lurhman frenetic broadway musical production.

My friend thinks that if I had seen "Moulin Rouge" in the theatre, instead of at home on a rental, I would have loved the movie too. I don't think so. I just hated that the characters' dialogue was all just snippets of songs and tired and worn cliches. The only good things about Moulin Rouge were the english actor, who played the manager, and who was also in "Iris", and course, Ewan MacGregor. But even my attraction to Mr. MacGregor didn't prevent me from despising "Moulin Rouge". The movie only became interesting when Nicole Kidman started dying, and then only just.

I'm only agreeing to see "La Boheme" because it's rare for a show to come directly from Broadway to San Francisco. Usually, the Broadway shows go to other cities first like Chicago or LA. I had to do some serious budget rearranging to pay for the ticket, so I just hope it's worth the $70 or so dollars that I'm forking over.

I think I'm going through a paradigm shift with weight.

"Think of a Paradigm Shift as a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. It just does not happen, but rather it is driven by agents of change."

I heard in a seminar that you can't dispprove a negative, you can't prove you're not something. When you do, you will always fail. I'm wondering if saying you're on maintenance is like saying you're trying to prove you're not a certain weight. Perhaps it's more useful to think of maintenance as proving you are the weight you are? There's something here. I just can't express it. I know it makes a difference and will decide for me, and maybe not for anyone else, whether I succeed or fail.

I went out to dinner last night to a restaurant called Ponzu. The restaurant specializes in mixing asian and western foods, or fusion cooking. This was the first fusion restaurant that I really liked. The food was fantastic!

Dining out while dieting is interesting. This was first dining out experience with someone, while on my new eating plan. I tried to keep my calorie count for breakfast and lunch pretty low, so I wouldn't feel so restrictive at dinner. Ponzu encourages family style dining, so my friend and I shared the food were ordered. The bill was $70 with tip, which is very reasonable for dinner.

I didn't order a drink, because liquor is just extra empty calories for me. I've never needed booze to have a good time, so not having wine or a cocktail isn't a big deal. I would have been content with the two dishes we ordered at first, but my friend was still hungry, so we ordered one more dish. We had scallops with some kind of salad, chicken, and pork with eggplant. I had two scallops, one chicken wing and one breast, and a pork chop and a half. I would have preferred to eat a fish dish, but my friend really wanted the pork.

My friend ordered rice, which I decided not eat to because of the extra dish. My friend also wanted to split a dessert, but I declined because of the extra pork dish. If we hadn't ordered the extra dish, I would have split a dessert.

Family style eating while dieting is difficult, especially if your with someone who eats more than you do. If we had gone to a regular restauarant, I would have ordered a salad and either soup or an entree of meat and vegetables, and I would have been happy. If I had just soup and salad, I might have even splurged on a dessert.

I was thinking about maintaining my weight loss this morning, when I'm at my goal weight. I don't think there is any such thing as maintenance, meaning the way I'm eating now is probably the way I'll need to eat for the rest of my life. The only difference is that at goal weight, I'll be able to eat about 300-500 more calories than I'm eating now. I'll never be able to mindlessly eat the way I used to. I'll always have to watch what I eat, and eat smaller meals when I'm going to a party or to dinner. And I'll always have to workout.

Eight weeks ago before I started my new diet, I freaked out at the thought of eating a certain amount of calories every day. I still freak out every once in awhile actually, when I have this thought. But after 8 weeks on this new way of eating, I think I'll be able to do it. I may not have to be as hypervigilant about every calorie that goes into my mouth, but I'll still have to watch my food.

I'm looking foward to getting to goal weight actually, because I'll be able to eat more than I do now. I'm starting to think maintenance is not a good word to use. Losing weight will never be just about maintenance for me. It's about eating the correct amount of calories for my weight. It's about changing the way I think about how much food I really need to eat. It's about a thinking and lifestyle change.

Maintenance connotes restriction. What am I maintaining? I'm eating the proper amount of food for the weight that I am period. If I'm eating over that correct amount, I'm overeating, not maintaining. I'm probably being picky about semantics, but maintenance sounds so horrible. I want to think that once I get to goal weight, there is no going back to the way I used to eat. Maintenance implies that there's a place to get back too, and that's not what I want.

I don't know. This is just an idea I'm having about maintenance. Maybe it's too soon to have this discussion, because I'm not at my goal weight yet, but I'm trying to make the idea of being at goal weight acceptable to me right now. I'm trying to see if I can live comfortably for the rest of my life eating this amount of food. Because if I can't find a level of comfort and acceptability with how I'm eating now, I know the weight will come back as soon as I get to goal weight. And I definitely don't want that.

Good news in the weight loss department! I stepped on the scale and I was 159 pounds! YEAH!! I thought I was plateauing and going to be stuck in the low 160's for awhile.

I did something which in my mind was counter-intuitive, but which in my gut made sense. I didn't try to decrease my calorie count. I'm supposed to be eating 1,1479 calories a day, and I've tried to eat exactly that amount. But I've also been doing a couple of new things too.

1) I'm back to exercising for 40 minutes at night, and my pedometer says I walk an equivalent of 2+ miles plus in that time period.

2) I'm taking probiotics. "A probiotic is an organism that contributes to the health and balance of the intestinal tract; also referred to as the "friendly", "beneficial", or "good" bacteria which when ingested acts to maintain a healthy intestinal tract and help fight illness and disease." I was listening to a exercise show on the radio on Saturday morning, and the host said that if you're property digesting your food, you'll never lose weight. Proper digestion insures you get the maximum nutrition of all the food you're eating. The host suggested taking probiotics to insure proper digestion.

So I don't know what's really helping at this point. I'm just glad that whatever I'm doing, it's working, and maybe that's all that really matters.

Last night in bible studies class, we learned how to do an exegsis on Matthew 9:27-31 - The Healing of the Two Blind Men. What a ton of work! The new pastor says our church has one of the best pastor's library that he's ever seen, and it's open to the whole congregation.

And now I have homework. I think I'm going to be spending all day Saturday in the public library, reading bible commentaries on this passage.

Write 4 or 5 things you realized about this passage.
One sentence what it says about JC.
One sentence how the passage applies to your life or how would your preach on this passage.

I didn't have much time to do anything else last night, as I wanted to watch "The Tailor of Panama" before it was due back. Strange movie! Great acting by Geoffrey Rush. The movie is based on a novel by John Le Carre, and I think I'd like to read the novel because the movie ended so strangely. I had so many unanswered questions about the plot. It was a great story though and very interesting.

After the movie, my mood became very melancholy. The tailor character in the movie said that people make up stories and end up believing them, because it makes them feel better about their wretched lives. I wondered if in some way, I was like the The Tailor of Panama. It's not that my life is that wretched either, but I wonder if I sometimes make up stories about my life and fool myself into believing them. I don't know. You can either have a positive or negative spin about your life.

As a practical person, I've always thought that it was impractical to spin a negative story about yourself. I mean, what's the point? You'd end up in therapy and depressed for the rest of your life. It was far more practical to spin the most positive story you can about your life, and in this way you can be happy and productive no matter what your life circumstances. I guess I got melancholy because I started to question the wisdom of the positive spin on life. Is it realistic? Isn't it better to look reality squarely in the face and get on with life? Why even put any kind of spin on your life? Or can you never get away from forming a judgment about your life? Maybe to spin is part of being a human being?

To spin or not to spin, is that the question?

Blogspot is slow again. I can't read anyone's blog. Not sure what is going on, other than there was a blogspot server maintenance on Monday. They've been slow since they started offering more space if you pay. Maybe the paid blogs have priority on the server.

I wish I knew what was wrong!

It's true, I am anal. I've calculated that if my blog limit is 100 kb month, I can post about 3,200 kb a day. The post below was worth about 1,600 or 2% of my limit. I will now have to check regularly to make sure I don't go over limit.

Musical selection tonight: Miles Davis 4 cd box set - Blue Note and Capitol Recordings

I was thinking of the screenwriting cutie, whom I had crush on earlier this year, again. He was a big jazz fan.

I heard Gun~n~Roses' version of "Knocking on Heaven's Door" on the way home today, and thinking being in crush with the screenwriting hottie was kind of like knocking on heaven's door in a odd sort of way. Not that screenwriting hottie boy was the most perfect match for me, but he reminded me that my idea of heaven on earth is being married to my soul partner, whoever he may be.

I had a good night last night. I started a new fictional short story tentatively titled "Spooning with My Mother". This story will be about a divorced mother with a 13 year old daugher, who spooned with her own mother at that age. Some of my friends from divorced families have gone through this experience with their mom, and it has always fascinated and at the same time repulsed me. I've never spooned with my mom, and I can't imagine ever doing so either. That sounds bad I know, because all human beings need comfort I guess, but it just sounds so odd to me. My family is also not demonstrative physically, so my mother hugging me is a strange thing. I guess one day I'll write a story about finding it strange to be hugged by your own mom. It's not like my mom never hugged me, because she did when I was little, but when I entered school all that physical type of affection stopped.

I wrote 1,100 words of my story, which is so cool. I'd like to write 1,000 words a day, so last night was definitely a good beginning.

Then I worked out for 40 minutes or the equivalent of about two miles, something I stopped doing for about three weeks. I'm starting again only because it helps me to sleep at night if I work out before I go to bed, and I kind of missed doing it. I walk four miles a day, you'd think that would be enough to tucker me out, but obviously not.

Then I started on my new book, "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe.

I'm also gave myself half an hour of spiritual/religious time, where I pray or meditate or read spiritual/religious type books. It's a practice I got into when I was 23, and it really helps me to stay calm and be in a good mood. I used to be regular with this habit for years, then I got out of it, and now I do it off and on. I'd like to get back into doing it every night. It seems a good habit to start up again in these uncertain times.

And then I went to bed, and that's my way too boring life.