Wow! I just saw "The Matrix Reloaded". I totally loved it, and although I dearly loved the first one, this one was just as good if not better. So many unanswered questions, so many things and situations that make you think.

I saw my chiropractor before I saw the movie, and he told me there was no plot. He was so wrong! There is an amazing plot, and I'm definitely going to have to see it a bunch of times to take it all in.

I went with a friend who I used to work with at a job where we both did a little programming, and she thinks we love the Matrix series because of well 1) Keanu Reeves and 2) we both did enough programming where we kind of get all the references.

Like a back door. I'm a firm believer that there is a back door into any program, heck, a back door into and out of any situation. It's just a matter of wanting to find it badly enough. I loved the key maker too. Once you have the keys to any situation, it opens all the doors.

The whole theory of anomalies is fascinating, and that it's true when the old guy says even the best designed program have inherent flaws. The whole thing in the movie about choice is a like a computer decision tree and the possibilities there are so endless because choose one way and a whole sub routine starts. This makes me wonder if like decision trees, all decisions lead eventually to sometimes the same outcome, but just in a different way.

I love the whole thing about programs that can't be killed, and that each program has a function, but once that function ends, the program goes away. I like the whole theory of a program routinely looping and doing the same thing over and over again. The only way to get out of the loop is to choose something that the programmer hasn't thought of, and end the subroutine.

And what was that with the silver bullit killing old programs? Is that another programming reference? I'm sure the silver bullit thing was introduced for a reason.

I definitely have to go and see "The Matrix Reloaded" a bunch more times.

I just signed up for a writing class. I'm hoping it will get me in gear to write again. Now that my job and home life are somewhat settled, or as settled as they can be in these economically troubled times of ours, I want to start writing again.

I was going to start writing on Tuesday, but decided I needed to read a book for inspiration. I had a few books that I borrowed from a friend years ago, but never read and I'd like to return them to her, so I picked a book from that pile.

I'm reading "Liar's Poker: Rising through the Wreckage on Wall Street" by Michael Lewis. It's a story about a bond trader from Salomon Brothers in the 80's. The book is written in the first person, which is the point of view for my first novel, so I'm trying to see how this author does this. Okay, I know I'm procrastinating from writing but reading is research for me.

In the last two years people have been bemoaning all the excesses of the dot com culture and all the money that was spent and lost, but in the 80's the same kind of thing happened in New York with bond trading. And like the dot com bust, the roof fell in on bond trading as well. Perhaps not quite so fast, but lots of money was lost and spent in 80's as well on a small number of very young bond traders right of business schools.

The parallels are amazing actually, but this is a good thing I think because it means that in another 10 years, some other new thing, some new industry will emerge in business and generate a ton of revenue. To make money from this new, new thing, you just have to spot the emerging business. Like who knew 10-12 years ago that the internet for at least a couple of years would be such a great investment.

If you could spot the new emerging business and get in first, when the new, new business explodes you could sell your investment and make your millions that way. Maybe it's nanotechnology or probably defense related industries. Don't you know that this war on terrorism is just going to keep on going which is bad for the public, but great for industries in the defense sector.

I would also look at commodities trading, specifically food. With all the weather changes in the world, I would think there would be huge fluctuations in food prices. And if the mad cow scare in Canada pans out and spreads to the US, I would expect to see huge fluctuations in beef and cattle prices as well.

Not quite sure how if you can make money with SARS other than by investing in biotech companies, which will probably be looking for a vaccine if SARS develops any further. Someone has to benefit economically from the world's disasters.

I watched "Maid in Manhattan" last night. Parts of that movie made me cringe it was so predictable, but of course at the end I was sucked in.

Jennifer Lopez is so cute, and there were all those shots of that butt of hers, plus shots of Ralph Fiennes lusting over her butt, and jokes about her "assets". She does have quite a backside, I guess. That gown JayLo wore to the Met was like so "Brooklyn". What's up with that? Natasha Richardson was funny as the ditzy society girl, and to round out the english cast there was Bob Hoskins as the butler.

The ending was really cute, but the story line was so very weak. I think the saddest part of the movie is when JayLo's mother tells her that she'll never be anything more than a cleaning person, and JayLo agrees with her. That was really sad. There's alot of mothers out there who give their daughters advice like that to this day.

The one interesting thing in the movie I thought was when Bob Hoskins tells JayLo that when she's in management she can do anything. That's such misperception about management that people have who aren't in management. It's so not true. When you're in management, you're even more constrained I think.

You always have to be the corporate cheerleader no matter what's going on with the company. You can't really be social with people who work for you or who are below you. You have to act professional at all times, and you can't really confide in anyone either if you're having problems. Then there's the whole social constraint of not being able to look like you're out of control at any time, or showing up with acceptable looking escorts or at some conservative companies, dating and marrying well.

I think this all stems from management having to even reflect the company more than the worker, and the pressure of reflecting well.

But if you're non-management, you don't see any of this and fantasize about how much freedom you'll have as a manager, which is such a lie.

This is from Starf@#*&s, the coffee place everyone in San Francisco totally hates, but it's an interesting concept, Artist's Choice cds.

Your favorite artists picked 16 songs, artists that influenced them early on and songs they can't stop listening to, personal choices, and it's on one CD.

Artists include YoYo Ma, Sheryl Crow, The Rolling Stones, Ray Charles and Lucinda Williams for now. I think there are more artist compilations on the way.

I was trying to think of 16 songs myself, but I think it would depend on my mood as to which 16 songs I would choose.

Here's a list I put together very quickly, but like I said the list will change depending on my mood.

1. The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
2. Stevie Wonder - You and I
3. Prince - Head
4. The Rolling Stones - Jumping Jack Flash
5. John Coltrane - My Favorite Things
6. Jesus Christ Superstar - I don't know how to love him
7. Foo Fighters - Times Like These
8. Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto # 2
9. Alice in the Chains - Man in the Box
10. Depeche Mode - The Love Thieves
11. Al Green - Let's Stay Together
12. Madonna - Crazy for You
13. Velvet Underground - Candy Says
14. Miles Davis - Blue In Green
15. The Beach Boys - Wouldn't it be Nice
16. The Grateful Dead - Fire on the Mountain

Wow, this was hard. I wanted to make sure I had some classical, some jazz, some current stuff, and some all time favourites, you know representative of my all over musical taste. I wanted to put in The Beatles, but aren't they on everyone list somewhere? And no country too, which is too bad because I love country music especially the really old stuff. I'm still trying to find this song which had the lyric, "whiskey, whiskey I love you". Now that's old time country music.

No music from my youth either when I heard really old stuff like Petula Clark and ABBA, and my mom's favorites Englebert Humperdink, Don Ho, Jack Jones and Tom Jones. But she also really liked Al Green and The Doors, especially Jim Morrison, The Police, and yes she totally adored Barry Manilow too. Maybe Al Green is the song from childhood.

It would be interesting to do this list every day for a month to see which 16 songs you have over and over again, and then make the list from the top 16 song that keep coming up over and over again.

Oh well, it's meant to be representative not a definitive list. How can you make a definitive list out of just 16 songs?

"The moment has arrived to divide this tract of land between us and the Palestinians."
- ARIEL SHARON, Israeli Prime Minister.

The problem I fear with creating a separate Palestinian state is where will the Palestinians go for work. Right now, they all head into Israel. Once you separate the two, will there be any companies willing to invest in industries, business or open branch offices in Palestine? I highly doubt a multinational company would be willing to put its workers at risk, when it's clear that the Palestinian government cannot control Hamas or any of their other radical islamist groups in their country.

What I think will happen is Israel will create a wall, echoes of communist Berlin and the Warsaw ghetto cannot help but flit through my mind, around themselves to separate themselves from the Palestinians. Some strategists have called the separation of Israel and Palestine, the makings for an apartheid state in Israel. Separate but equal has never worked in the past, unless both sides have equal economic resources.

Will a separate Palestinian state stop the terrorism against the Israelis? For awhile, I believe the answer is yes, but unless there is a long term plan to make the state of Palestine economically viable then the terrorism will start again.

The next question is, in what state will the Holy Sites be located? My uncle used to always tell me that the war in the middle east was always about who controlled the Holy Sites. The Holy Sites generate a ton of revenue for whoever has them.

I fell asleep listening to the radio, and was awakened at 2 am by birdies screeching outside my window. It's so strange to have birdies noises at that hour. Maybe they've always been outside my window at my new place talking up a storm, but this is the first night I heard them.

Noisy birdies. Usually they start to chatter right before the sun comes up, but at 2 am in the morning, what gives? When I woke up at 6:15 am, I didn't hear any birdie conversations. There must have been something happening in the birdie world early this morning.

I do feel intuitively that something is about to happen, but not to me specifically. It feels more like to the earth, although who knows what that might me. They say animals can always predict earth changes. I hope it's nothing too serious, and the birdies just had some kind of incident happening in their world in the wee hours of the morning that they just had to chatter very loudly about.

I'm listening to the soundtrack from the movie "The Pianist". The music is so beautiful!

I went for a walk in Golden Gate Park since it was such a warm day. It's nice to live only three blocks away from such a beautiful place. The Rose Garden was in full bloom and I tried to smell all the roses. Not all roses have a smell, but when you find one it's so heavenly. One rose smelled very peppery.

My legs hurt now. My pedometer says I walked about 5 miles or a little over 11,000 steps. Now I'm hungry for some salad. I love when it's hot because I tend to eat healthier and crave only fruits, veggies and salads.

A friend sent me the following via email ... it's very amusing.

A little Zen for you

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court.

The Torah says, "Love thy neighbour as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So maybe you're off the hook.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But first, a little nosh.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

-- A wise person once said "what good is a smart bomb if you have a dumb president?" -

Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain.
-Leo Buscaglia, author, speaker and professor (1924-1998)

Performance List for Opera in the Gardens, May 25, 2003, Operatic Selections from the upcoming productions by current artists of San Francisco Opera with the SF Opera Orchestra, Kay Stern concertmaster, Ian Robertson Conductor

Il Barbiere di Siviglia (The Barber of Seville) by Rossini
Overture - Orchestra
Il vecchiotta cerca moglie - Catherine Cook (mezzo-soprano)

Die Zauberflote (The Magic Flute) by Mozart
Dies' Bildnis ist bezaubernd schon - Harold Gray Meers (tenor)
Papagena! Papageno! - Saundra DeAthos (soprano) and Brad Alexander (baritone)

La Damnation de Faust (The Damnation of Faust) by Berlioz
D'amour l'ardente flamme - Katherine Rohrer (mezzo-soprano)

Il Barbiere di Siviglia (The Barber of Seville) by Rossini
Ah, quell colpa inaspettato... Zitti, zitti - Greta Feeney (soprano), Harold Gray Meers, and Brad Alexander

Il Trovatore by Verdi
Tacea la notte placida ...Di tale amor - Angela Brown (an emerging famous Verdi soprano who won the 2001 Altamure/Enrio Caruso International Voice competition)

La Cenerentola (Cinderella) by Rossini
Nacqui all'affano...Non piu mesta by Mariatheresa Magisano (canandian opera singer and mezzo-soprano)

La Cenerentola (Cinderella) by Rossini
Miei rampolli femminini - Bojan Knezevic (baritone)
Come un ape ne'giornie d'aprile - Brad Alexander with Saundra DeAthos, Catherine Cook, Harold Gray Meers and Bojan Knezevic

La Boheme by Puccini
Quando me'n vo' by Greta Feeney

Pagliacci by Leoncavallo
Stridono lassu ("Ballatella") by Elizabeth Caballero (soprano)
Nedda! Silvio...A quest'ora? by Karen Slack (soprano) and Brad Alexander

Il Trovatore by Verdi
Mira, d'acerbe lagrime...Vivra! Contende il giubilo - Angela Brown and Haijing Fu (baritone)

Die Fledermaus by Strauss
Champagne Couplets - by all the singers

The free Opera in the Gardens concert was really great yesterday. Now my only dilemma is which opera to see.

1. Rossini's "La Cenerentola" - operatic Cinderella
2. Verdi's "Il Trovatore"
3. Berlioz's "La Damnation de Faust".

I think I shall have to see Faust, if I had to just pick one to see. It's a great story, and I don't think the company has done it before. They always do Cinderella, so I can always see that another year. Il Trovatore is an opera classic, but they'll probably do it again in a few years. I'm still bummed I missed the operatic St. Francis of Assisi, because they won't be doing that opera for awhile. Everyone who saw it said it was terrific.

Definitely have to see Faust.

There's a free blues concert in Golden Gate Park today. The fog finally burned off, even in my neighbourhood and it's sunny. I was going to go to see "The Matrix Reloaded", but it's too nice of a day to be inside for a movie.

Here's the lineup for the blues concert, Bobbie "Spider" Webb and The Smooth Blues Band, J.C. Smith, Fillmore Slim (AKA Clarence Slim), Bird Legg and The Tight Fit Blues Band, Rene Solis & the Persuaders, Shane Dewight, Emit Powell & The Gospel Elites. I've never heard of any of these performers, but it's a free concert and it's fun to sit in the sun and listen to music.

The cute guy from church was there today at coffee hour, looking snazzy in a nice suit and tie. He is so cute, and I'm like so afraid to talk to him. I was really getting down on myself, but you know, if he was the one and we were meant to be together fate will find a way to put us together because it's obvious to me that I'm not going to be the one to do it.

He's just too cute and he looks so similar to "the one who got away", that every time I'm see I'm tongue tied. I had the same reaction with "the one who got away". He was so cute, he made me nervous. I would spend longer than normal figuring out what to wear and fixing my myself up whenever we had a date. The thought of seeing "the one who got away" was so nerve racking but very exciting.

The cute guy at church does have very good taste in clothes, which is a relief. Men who can't dress themselves is such a turn off. You'd think a guy would figure out over the years what to wear to make himself look attractive to women. If a guy is clueless about clothes, you gotta wonder what else is the guy clueless about.

I decided I'm not going to stress myself about meeting the cute guy at church. Love is suppsoed to easy and stress free, and all my relationships that were good while the lasted started out this way. If there's too much struggle to meet someone, it makes me wonder whether it's meant to be.

I mean for all I know, the cute guy at church doesn't even know I exist. I mean I didn't even know he existed for the longest time. I mean I saw him in the pews, but he never really caught my eye. It wasn't until the last three weeks that I even noticed him. I don't know why or how I even noticed him, but when I did, it was like a thunderbolt hit me and I said to myself "wow, that guy is so cute". It was a very mystifying too, since I know I've looked at him a bunch of times before. Why all of a sudden it hits that's he cute is still a big mystery to me.

I think I need to explore what I was going through the day I thought the church guy was cute. Something must have happened to me to trigger that reaction. He does have these huge pretty brown eyes, and then there's that strawberry blondie hair that for whatever reason I really, really like.

What really freaked out today was how much he reminds me of "the one who got away". I'm not sure that's a good thing either.

I went to free opera concert at Yerba Buena Gardens, which was the site of my first date with "the one who got away". We met online through one of those dating sites and were emailing each other, when "the one" decides we should just meet for five minutes to see if the physical thing clicked.

That's the downside of meeting someone online. You can have great email/instant message conversations, and even have great phone conversations but until you meet face to face you never really know if it's going to work. I've met so many great guys who sounded great in email chats and on the phone, and then when I finally physically met them there was absolutely no chemistry. Talk about a disappointing experience. Physical chemistry used to be something I never thought about until I started meeting guys online.

So "the one who got away" and I made plans to meet, and what was supposed to be a 5 minute meeting in front of SFMOMA, turned into three hour conversation at Yerba Buena Gardens. I felt bad because I didn't find out till afterwards that I made "the who got away" late for his golf outing with his buddies, which was his fault because he never mentioned it to me. And what was worse, "the one who got away" got sunburnt from sitting in the sun with me for that long, which was still not my fault because if he was getting sunburnt he should have said something.

I really need to release myself from "the who got away". I just deleted his yahoo messenger ID, and I think I need to write out why I'm glad we're not together. Although I've romantically dubbed "Ellis" as "the one who got away", I'm using his real name because I'm getting tired of typing out "the one who got away", I am glad it didn't work out between us.

We just weren't meant to be, and I know that. He would have been a very easy going person to be with, but I think that in time he would have bored me to death, and I would have hated him for it. There was some chemistry between us, but we both decided it just wasn't that red hot. As far as comfort level though, it was 110% between us, but physical chemistry, that was about about 50%.

But physical chemistry is such a mystery to me. I mean I had a 200% physical attraction to a guy who I didn't think was that cute. I mean he was okay, but he wasn't that cute to me. The comfort level was very high, and physical attraction was off the charts, but when I looked right at him, I was never struck by how attractive the guy was.

A friend thought he was really cute, but not me. Not that his lack of physical attractiveness stopped me from wanting to pounce on him 24/7, but it did kind of freak me out that I never found him all that cute. The attraction was definitely like an animal, primitive kind of thing, which I put down to the fact that he was most alpha male guy I'd ever come across who I liked as a person. I don't wish to give the impression that the guy wasn't attractive, because I knew alot of women who were after him, I just personally didn't think he was all that cute.

The guy was a 5th generation Texan, and I do think his brand of male species which is very 19th century in flavor, was so exotic and foreign to me and probably to many women who are used to a more gentler breed of man. The guy was just "so male". I don't even know how to describe it exactly, other than to say he just such a "guy-guy", and a total alpha male guy-guy, which I think is such a rarity in the San Francisco Bay Area. The man just oozed "maleness", if you could ooze it, which was so attractive in an odd way.

The guy was sophisticated and everything, but I could sense that underneath the expensive suit and tie, he was wild and untamed. I mean, maybe it helped that the guy used to one want to be a rodeo star and rode bulls for a short time. I don't know. Whatever it was, I just found myself being ensnared in his manliness and liking it. The guy is one of the most brightest I've met in my life, so I'm sure that helped in the attractiveness as well. The Texas guy is one of the few men I've met that I know for a fact is smarter than me, and I don't say that easily about any man.

Man of man, I hope the cute church guy is intelligent. A guy who's not the sharpest tool in the shed is a real turn off. I've tried to date those non-sharp tools from the shed, and it just never works. Some of those non-sharp tools have also happened to me the most attractive guys I've ever dated, but the lack of brain function totaly wore on me. I've definitely dated my share of "dumb blondes", and probably stayed in relationships longer than I should have because of a guy's appearance, but I've learned my lesson on that score. It's so not worth it, no matter how great a guy looks.

I thought I felt an earthquake last night. It was a very short one, but I felt and heard things in my room shake. Come to find out there was a 4.3 earthquake in Santa Rosa at 12:09 am Sunday morning, Saturday night for me. Santa Rosa is about an hour's drive north of San Francisco.

I wonder if other people in the city felt the quake as well.

When I was at Macy's I decided to torture myself and try on a pair of Ralph Lauren Saturday jeans in a size 6. Oh my god, they fit and what's better they weren't really tight. I was so tempted to go try on a size 4, but stopped myself.

I started to think that if I lose any more weight, I'll disappear. What a freaky and silly thought. I still need to lose 10-15 more pounds. My acupuncturist keeps telling me I shouldn't lose any more weight, but when I showed him my tummy, my spare tire and rolls, he finally relented. He said that being too thin wasn't good for me, but if I wamted to lose 10 pounds it was okay. My acupuncuturist said I'll never ever be really thin, because my body type is water. Water types have like 1940's figures, fleshy and curvy but not rake thin.

You'd think that after losing 30 pounds, my chest would shrink but it hasn't. I'm still the same size on top. I mean it's okay because flat chested chicks are having plastic surgery and killing themselves and paying a fortune to have my breasts like mine, so it's not like I'm not grateful. I'm sure if I was a flat chested chick, I'd be obsessed about my lack of chest size as well.

But since I do have a chest, now I obsess about whether to get them lifted because gravity does take its toll, or wondering if I wear a tight shirt a guy will only look at my chest and not at my face. And yes, some guys really do this. It's so rude to not look at a girl's face and only stare at her chest or to make comments like "if the economy gets really bad you can always get a job at Hooters or get on the cover of Jugs."

And you know for the longest time, I was so stupid that I had no idea what "Jugs" was. Jugs is like some girlie magazine that only shows women's chests. And guy who made the jugs comment to me is married with two kids, and is supposedly a friend of mine. Some friend, huh?

I went to my acupuncturist today, and I told him about the pain in my shoulder and he said it was a pinched nerve. That's what I thought. My silly chiropactor didn't believe me. Honestly, I really need to figure out a way to stop seeing him without hurting his feelings. He's just not very good, but when I told him I wanted to stop seeing him because I was moving out of the neighbourhood he got so upset.

Maybe I'll tell him that company is switching health plans, because I only see him because he's contracted with my health plan. That's a good reason. It's a total lie, but I doubt I'll get found out. This way we could both save face.

My acupuncturist treated my should and gave me the best massage. He's the best, and people come from all over even from LA to see him. He's always so busy. I wanted to see him next week, but he's very expensive ($60 per visit) so I made an appointment to see him in two weeks. He is so worth every penny. He's fixed my plantar fascitis, and my heels don't hurt ever anymore.

I think after my shoulder gets fixed, I'll have him work on my left hip. Even my spiritual healer said the angels she talks to really liked my acupuncturist, and said he was a good man.

I've spending so much money on my move this month that I need to be careful. It's so easy to spend money. I went to The Container Store, and bought some stuff. All the stores on Union Square were having a sale, and I popped into Macy's to check it out. Big mistake.

I walked out of Macy's with two pairs of earrings, on sale, but still Iike I need to be spending money on earrrings. I want to replace my eating utensils and saw the cutest set. The handles had pineapples on the end. How hawaiian is that? But four place settings cost $180. Yikes! Macy's had the set on sale for $99, and I was so tempted but I passed. Maybe in a couple of months, if the set is still there and on sale again, I'll buy them. I must have forks, spoons and knives with pineapple handles.

I decided I need to check out Victoria's Secret and walked out with 5 knickers. Two were colours I've been looking for and since you had to buy 5 to get the sale price, I bought 5.

There so many other things I wanted to buy, but I stopped myself. I can barely fit the clothes I have into my new place, and I don't really need anything. I did just buy a pair of Lands End cropped khakis and a new cotton sweaters from Sears on Tuesday for my company meeting. I didn't end up wearing the khakis, but I wore the sweater.

I told myself I would never buy myself a pair of cropped khakis, but the pair from Land's are more like pedal pushers, which means they come down to mid calf. Most cropped pants end up right at your ankle, and remind me of flood pants that some kids used to wear in elementary school because their parents wouldn't buy them new pants. Remember those? Kids at my school used to tease the kids who wore flood pants mercilessly and so meanly. I never wore them, but seeing pants like that brings those memories right back.

This is why it's a bad idea for me to work at home. It's 9 pm and I'm still working. I had some oral surgery done this morning to move my gumline which took four hours out of my day. Then when I came home to finish the project I started this morning, the system was so slow and I had so many problems building my workfiles and tables that I didn't get anything built till around 7 pm. And this is just the gathering the data step.

Then I have to actually analyze the data, put it into some usable form, and send it off to my boss so he can look at it and get it ready for the big important client meeting next Tuesday. I think he'll be happy though because it does look like we're helping the client's business and yes, the magic phrases, "improving their bottom line" and "saving them money". Clients love these phrases, will be grateful to you forever if you can prove to them emperically "the magic phrases", not to mention they won't complain about the huge sum of money you're charging.

It's going to be a late night working for me, sorry to say.

So I'm sitting in my all day work meeting thinking this is the first company I've ever worked for that I don't really care that much about. It's a strange feeling. I made a deliberate choice a few years ago that in order to concentrate on my writing, I would take a job that paid reasonably well but was not demanding. I would take a job where I wasn't so emotionally invested, so I could leave it at 5 pm and work on my writing.

Well, I have that kind of job. I'm not emotionally invested, I don't work more than 40 hours a week, unless there's some huge client meeting and that's happened only twice in three years, and part of me just doesn't care about the place other than the fact that the pay me.

This is like the weirdest feeling for me because I've always been into whatever job I'm doing, and now I'm just not. A friend tells me that I'm just treating my job like how everyone else treats their job and that I was weird for taking my jobs seriously and having my self esteem so tied into my career and my job. This is a horrible feeling though, not to care that much about the company you work for. It's a new experience for me, and although I know it's good for me to think of job like this, I'm not sure i like the feeling.

Maybe if I was married and had kids I wouldn't want to be so emotionally invested in my job, but I don't. I know that some of the other people at my meeting probably treat their job like a job and have no emotional investment in it whatsoever, and that's normal for them.

I don't know how they do it. I don't know how I've done it for three yearsl, and not driven myself crazy. I know the only thing that keeps me at this job is 1) it's easy 2) it's not time consuming 3) the job market sucks and it's better to be gainfully employed at this point in time and than not and 4) the job doesn't stress me out at all like all the other jobs in my life.

I just feel so purposeless about life right now. I haven't been wriitng, so maybe I just need to get back to my writing and then I'll feel like my life has purpose again. It's like torture to feel so rootless about life, to feel like I'm just living my life without any aim or purpose in mind. That just doesn't sit right with me somehow. It's so utilitarian of me I know, but I just think my life should be for a purpose and if I don't have a purpose than honestly what is the point of living?

That's probably harsh, but it's like so true for me. I'm like one of those types who has to always feel like I'm living for something, a purpose, or cause greater than myself. I need a reason to exist, to live, to go on, so I can feel my life is worth living.

I know the times when I've felt I've had no purpose in life, no reason greater than myself to live, have been times where I've been incredibly depressed, suicidal even. Maybe it's like some gene I stood in wrong line for in heaven. The gene that says you won't ever feel you life is worth anything unless you're dedicated to something, someone greater than yourself.

Do other people have this gene, or is just me? It's so not curable either because I have tried to rid myself of need to feel like I have a purpose several time but to no avail. It's an odd way to think about life, I think sometimes, but I can't help but think of my life like this.

Okay, so this is my first night working from home. I hate this because it's so easy to get extra work done. I have TV on so I can hear the finale of American Idol.

I wouldn't be working tonight if there wasn't this huge, huge client meeting next Tuesday in Florida, and I wasn't assigned four analyses to get done for the meeting. I was supposed to only be doing three projects, but we had a data issue so to make up for the messed up data the president of the company decides let's get Brenda to do an extra project so maybe they won't notice. Isn't that nice?

I'll probably work on the weekend as well since tomorrow I have to go Sacramento for an all day meeting. If I didn't have to attend this conference, I could finish my fourth project on Thursday and then wait for changes to made on Friday. I'm finishing projects 2 and 3 tonight.

Then silly me scheduled dental surgery for Friday morning, and I don't think I'll be able to work very much when I get back. I should have taken the day off, but even if I did I'm sure I'd get a call or email asking me to work the weekend anyway. What a drag!

I've had more projects due these last two weeks working from home, then I've had in the last two months when I was still working out of my office. My paranoid self says my bosses are doing it on purpose so they can be assured that I can be a productive employee at home. Whatever.

I guess it's good to be busy. It keeps me employed and gives me a regular paycheck. I have another report project that I have to start work on next week, which I think will involve some people from my Sacramento office. I have a feeling I'll have to drive up there every other week, if not every week to get the project off the ground. I'll find out tomorrow I think.

I don't mind driving up to Sacramento every other week, but once a week would be tough. It's a two hour drive for me, and that's two solid hours of freeway driving and not stop and go traffic. The Chief Technology office suggested that the report project be a joint one, and my home is that they just the project over to the IT department to be automated and leave me out entirely. I suggested this to my boss, but I still might have to consult on the project since I helped to build the report and consulting always means meetings.

I think they're about to announce the winner of American Idol in my time zone, so I've got to go and watch. I'm torn. I really like Ruben, but I like Clay too. I should have voted, but I didn't know who to choose. I think either way, they will both get record contracts which is so great for both of them.

Is it the terrorists? The radio news just reported that there was an explosion at Yale's mail room.

Scary!!!

The only good thing to come out of the whole "the one that got away'" experience is I came up with a great idea for a screenplay.

It's a romantic comedy, kind of like Romancing the Stone and an all girl road trip. It's loosely based on my relationship with "the one that got away" but totally amped up and dramatized.

The movie opens with this girl who's crying because she missed her boyfriend. We find out it's been over for a year, but the girl is still moping. Then we see her at this 12 step group meeting, where all the women are cute, blonde and trendily trashily dressed.

One girl gets up and says "Hi my name is Bambi, and I'm a silicon valley gold digger". It's a meeting for a 12 step group called "Silicon Valley Gold Diggers Anonymous", where all the women are dating, divorced, married or broken up with filthy rich silicon valley nerds.

The girl has been attending this meeting since she broke up with her nerdy sili valley boyfriend. We see the girls take out pictures of these really awful looking nerdy men, and cry. I don't know why but I think this scene will be so funny, but I do have an odd sense of humor.

The girl in my story goes out for coffee with a couple of the girls, and one of them tells her about this healer in LA who can cure anyone of their sili valley nerd addiction. No one in the group has done it because they're all afraid that if the LA healer cures them, they'll never date sili valley rich nerds again.

My girl decides to do it because she is desperate to get over her man and lead a normal life where she's attracted to normal men. She flies down to LA, one of the beach towns like Redondo Beach, and take a cab to the house of the LA healer.

The LA healer will be a spoof of a stereotypical new age healer complete with crystals, pyramids, filmy scarves, those stinky healing sticks, coconut man guards, etc. The healer tells her that her and her boyfriend, Steve (what else would I call him), were married in many three previous lifetimes where she pledged to be his twinflame soul forever. The healer tells her that she will never get over Steve unless she makes peace with her three previous incarnations by visiting the sites of her former marriages.

Incarnation # 1 - some island in greece or italy that disappeared because of a volcano eruption, it's famous but I can't remember the name. Her husband was away, and thought she died in the volcano but she actually escaped with the children. He vowed to spend the rest of eternity looking for her, and she vowed to be faithful to him for all eternity. This is where it all started.

Incarnation # 2 - Ohio, she was a mormon wife # 6, and back in those days they chained the wives so they wouldn't run. She died on the way travelling to Utah while trying to escape

Incarnation # 3 - Hawaii, on the big island. He was a magic man, the kahuna and she was his apprentice, and they got married.

Th LA healer tells her that her graves must be found and she has to do a clearing ritual at each gravesite. The healer gives her a set of clues for each place.

My girl decides to go and drags her best friend, another member of the Silicon Valley Gold Digger Anonymous with her.

So the movie is all her adventures, and in Greece she has an accident with this guy, who ends up for some reason following her on the rest of her adventures. Of course they get together in the end, and he turns out to be another rich millionaire guy, but not a rich sili valley nerd.

So my girl gets her cake and gets to eat it too.

I have one scene in my head where she goes to a support group for families of polygamists in Utah (another 12 step group), and one girls gets up and says "Hi my name is Catherine, and my grandather is a polygamist", which is loosely based on a spa trip I took to Utah. I was talking to one of the hiking guides, and the woman just blurts out to me like it's a common everyday thing to hear "my grandfather is a polygamist." I mean, what does one say to this kind of remark other than "really?". I got kind of freaked out, like "oh my god, yucky", but then the woman told me her whole life story and it all seemed kind of normal after that.

Metallica is back ... Woohooo! I love Metallica, only because I watched their story on VH1 and fell in love with the band. I really, really like their head banging, metal music too. The Headbanger's Ball I hear is coming back to TV, and that show was one of my favourites. I love Lars the drummer (so cute!). A friend watched the VH1 show too, but fell in love with with Kirth Hammett the guitarist.

We want Metallica!!!

A review of Metallica's latest concert on SFGate: Metallica returns with pedal to the metal - Bassist invigorates band's Fillmore show.

So I did some experimenting because I have two yahoo ids, and you can delete someone off your friends list but the other person still sees you online. "The one that got away" probably deleted me off his list a long time ago.

I think I'm all nostalgic about him because a friend went to the E3 show in LA, and I know "the one" was there. He works for one of those video game software companies, and spend 50% of his time travelling. Our relationship basically fizzled out because he was out of town most of the time for the three months that I knew him. Scheduling a date was not fun, and then I had a killer work schedule as well working 60-80 hours a week.

"The one that got away" made a comment once "that I should be more available" or something like that. Of course independent stubborn me at the time thought and probably said to him, "no, you should be more available for me - why should I put accomodate my schedule and life to fit yours?" I was so not into compromising in those days.

Now I think I would be a little more tactful and try to work for a win-win situation for both of us, instead of getting all pissed and huffy. In any relationship, both people have to compromise a little and I've realized since then that compromising on scheduling and time is really necessary when both people work and have intense work ethics.

"The one that got away" wanted to make VP very desperately, so he was working it hard, and I was working my bunnies off because I wanted to get promoted as well and make more money.

I don't think he's a VP yet, and I switched jobs and don't work as intensely so I can write. "The one" even had comments about my writing too though because I was in writing class at the time. He used to say "you sure spend alot of time in writing", and I didn't even write alot when I knew him.

I hope he's happy and married. He was really lonely, almost needy which kind of disturbed me, and really wanted to settle down and get married. He had one bad marriage behind him, and I could tell that part of him just wanted the whole marriage thing settled.

Memo to guys who are on first dates with girls. Don't tell a girl you just met that your last girlfriend was a model/actress right of college, even if it's true. LIE! "The one who got away" told me this story, and it really headtripped me. I think the whole time during our three month gig I kept thinking to myself, why would he be interested in me after dating a probably very tall model/actress now living in LA who he's still friends with.

I asked him why he didn't marry the model/actress, because he made it clear that the chick was hot to marry him. "The one who got away" said that he was afraid of their age difference, and that the model/actress would still be young when he was very old.

A guy friend thinks that "the one who got away" was totally lying about dating the model/actress in the first place, and only told me that story to boost his own self esteem. I don't think he was lying but if he was, why lie in the first place? It only scares off potential dating partners.

I think I need to do a clearing ritual to get this guy out of my head. I hate that I still have memories of him and I've now dubbed him "the one that got away". But, I do regret that we didn't take it further. He was so cute, very smart and very, very sweet, which is like a tripple threat, totally deadly combo for me. He was also very kind and so logical.

Okay, the party republican voting thing was off putting, but I've gotten used to that over the years. Aren't all guys republicans? My guys have almost always been republican, although there's been a liberal or two along the way. No Nader voters though, that's an automatic "no way ever" litmus test. And yes, they so know where I stand politically but it never seems to bother them.

Okay, so this is really weird. Yahoo messenger came with my dsl and I logged in usning my old account. Under Friends is the id for this guy that I used to date back in 1999. I was the one who got him to sign up for Yahoo Messenger, and I guess he's still using the same ID.

I can see that he's online, and I think that means he can see that I'm on online. Like why didn't he take me off his friends list. I mean, I keep him on there for like the most stupid sentimental reasons because he's my official "the one that go away", but why didn't he delete me?

God, I just hate this. I can't believe he's still using the same Yahoo ID from like 1999, and that I'm still on his friends list. WHY? Maybe he can't see me, but I can see him? Could that be possible? I'll have to email Yahoo Messenger to find out. I mean that would make way more sense right?

My apartment is starting to look decent again. I still have alot of paper from packing to throw out, but I didn't want to hog up the recycling bin with my trash so there are bags of packing paper sitting in my hallway. The thing about moving into a new place is you have to decide a new home for all of your stuff. I still have some orphans sitting around.

Like my baseball caps. I have amassed a good collection of baseball caps, which I use when I go out for walks. At my old place, I used to put them on the top of a tall bookcase I had. I don't have that tall bookcase anymore, so I have no idea where to put all my hats.

I saw this cool hat rack thing in The Container Store downtown, but I need to go downtown to pick them up. Or, I could find another place to put my hats. It's a dilemma.

And for whatever reason, I have like four calendars. I have two of them up, one in the kitchen and one at my desk, but what do I do with other two. One of them was a present, so it's really nice, too nice for the kitchen even. I always end up buying a calendar, and then I get one as a christmas present. And if I don't buy a calendar, I don't get one as a present. I never seem to win on this one.

So I ended up watching half of the The Bachelor finale last night, in between watching the Hitler movie. The Hitler movie was way too intense to watch for some reason, so when I was channel surfing I came across The Bachelor and got sucked in.

The girls were so pretty, and the guy was like so-so. He seemed like a really nice guy, but on a scale of 1 -10 I'd rate his attractiveness as a 5. I liked his family though, they seemed very nice. I hope it lasts, but some part of me doubts it.

I love how the guy set himself up to choose between a sweet girl and really attractive slutty girl with a questionable past. The Joe Millionaire guy did the same thing. The sweet girl always wins out in the end, but only because the cute slutty one either comes across as too money grubbing or her past comes back to haunt her. Could Hollywood have written better morality endings for women? It makes you think these shows are scripted, but I don't think they are. Perhaps real life really does work sometimes like they say it does on tv and in the movies, only totally exagerrated of course.

I'm so sick of my McAfee virus scan software. My instant updater is still not working, and on their support forums users are saying they don't even use it because it has too many problems. That's bad.

I'll probably keep it until I get really sick of it, and then go back to Norton. Norton antivirus software never gave me a problem at all.

Worked out today, and then did laundry. I had a ton of laundry to do, so I went to the same place my exhubbie and I used to do laundry. We used to live in this area when we first got married, so I remembered where to go. It's funny what things you do remember from relationships. I can still remember our favorite breakfast places in this neighborhood as well.

This is so cool! I posted a message in the yahoo groups board for Blogger Pro, and Phil Ringnalda
answered me right away and told me how to fix it! He said my side bar was longer than my posts. I guess I always just write very long posts, and my system got messed up when I started writing shorter posts.

My DSL is up and running. I think it's faster but I still can't tell. My email pulls up faster, and I do notice that, but some sites still load very slowly. I've got to try downloading some songs to see the DSL difference.

SBC Yahoo send me an extra modem. I guess I get a free one just for ordering the service. I called customer service to see if it was really free, but they couldn't figure it out. Typical. I ended up returning it. I don't have the room for it, and I'll probably never use it.

I cabled my work computer to my home portal yesterday and it worked fine. It's kind of a hazard having the cable go between rooms, but I'm the only at home so it's not like it's going to get in any one's way. At 5 pm, I disconnect my work phone and my DSL connection so I have the physical act of leaving work. I kind of like it that way. If my company were to try to call me after work hours, I wouldn't even know it because the phone is not connected. I'm sometimes tempted to log on and check my work email, but I've so far resisted that stupid temptation.

I went to see the Da Vinci and The Splendor of Poland exhibit today. Da Vinci is amazing! The Da Vinci portrait they had was the one called "Lady with an Ermine". This is the first Da Vinci painting I've seen in person. Apparently there are only 20 of his painting in the world, and this portrait is owned by Poland.

I never got before why DaVinci was considered a revolutionary painter, but when I saw this portrait it really hit me. DaVinci's brush stroke work and his understanding of light and shadow are just phenomenal for his time. The woman in portrait looked so three dimensional, like she was floating in the background. No other painter in Leonardo's time could do this. The lady look so life like. I spent a long time looking at the portrait, trying to figure out how he did it. It's got to be his incredibly fine brush stroke work, and his understanding of light and shadow.

DaVinci achieved the kind of three dimensionality you sometimes see in photographs and movies. He was also able to add this amazing texture to the skin of the woman, so you can tell that the woman's skin was very soft.

I remember when I was making a feeble attempt to learn to draw, how hard it was for me to get shading and light. I just couldn't do it. I'm sure if I stuck with it, I would have gotten it eventually but seeing how to shade for shadow and light just did not come easily or naturally to me. Did it come naturally for DaVinci or did he spend hours and hours working on it?

There were two books on DaVinic that I saw at the exhibition store that I wanted, but didn't want to spend the money on right now. The two books were "The Notebooks of Leonardo DaVinci Vol 1 & 2". I flipped through and there were his journals. I read one entry and it was like reading into the mind of a genius. I definitely have to acquire these books one day.

The only book I ended up buying because I couldn't resist it, was a book put out by Phaidon Press in London called "Crucifixion" . From the publisher on Amazon, "this book presents a sequence of over 100 images of the Crucifixion, the central event of Christianity, depicted by the world's greatest artists." I'm not sure about the reproduction quality of the paintings, but I thought it was so interesting to see all the different paintings of the crucifixion of Christ. There were three other books, Annunciation, The Last Supper and Descent, but Crucifixion was my favorite.

I was going to go and workout, but my body still hurts from the move. I think I totally messed up my right shoulder and it goes numb every now and then. My SF chiropractor is doing ultrasound on it because he think it's related to my car accident, but that doesn't seem to be helping. If it doesn't clear up in a couple of weeks, I'm going to see my chiropractor in Berkeley. Mitchell is totally expensive to see, but he is so good at what he does. I've been meaning to make a visit to him anyway, so he can check if the car accident altered any of the previous work he did on my body.

My right scapula hurts so much, that as I'm typing I can feel my right arm tingling. What a pain! It's not painful or anything, but it's just weird to have my right arm go kind of numb and start to tingle.

I thought the car accident affected my left side and I had some work done on that shoulder, but now my right shoulder hurts. It's a pattern with my body. When I had foot problems on my left side, the acupuncturist fixed that and then my right foot had the same problem. The same thing is happening with my shoulders. I worked on one side, and now I have the exact same pain on the other side. It's a very strange thing. I have an acupuncture appointment on Saturday. I think I'll tell my acupuncturist about it, and see what he does about it.

I'm sure my body will heal itself in time, but I just hate the waiting part!

My blog is sick and I don't know how to fix it. I wonder if it has something to do with my comments not showing up. YACCS is acting up again. Maybe I need a new blogger template. I'll have to think about this. I could just modify one of the templates I suppose.

I hate when my blog messes up for no reason. I didn't change the template or anything, and all of a sudden these huge spaces are showing up on the top and bottom of my blog, and I didn't do anything.

What is going on with my blog page? All of a sudden a big space is showing up at the top of the most current post. Why?

The man who is the voice of Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street is being interviewed on the radio right now. I love Big Bird! A little girl called in and spoke to Big Bird. I wonder if I should call in so I could talk to Big Bird too. Where's Bert and Ernie? I want to talk to Bert and Ernie!

After spending an hour on the phone with MacAfee tech support, I finally uninstalled my software firewall. I thought I had my DSL problem fixed, but it still wasn't connecting. I ended up calling the tech support for home DSL modem, and Ihad to reinstall my TCP/IP, because guess what, MacAfee had messed it up.

So now I have DSL baby, baby DSL. Honestly, I don't notice that much of a difference right now, except pages do load faster. I'll have to try and download some songs to see if DSL really makes a difference.

I wonder if dare try and hook up my work computer tonight or wait for tomorrow. I'm exhausted! I bought an ethernet hub switch to cable my work computer. My DSL modem, much to my surprise, accepts wireless transmission, but I don't have a wireless card for my work laptop. Until I get one, I'll have to just deal with cable. I bought a 50 ft cat 5 cable to connect myself. When I finish working, I'll just disconnect the cable, like how I disconnect my work phone.

It is kind of cool to be online and be able to answer the phone at the same time. That's a new thing.

In a bad mood today. My dsl modem arrived last night, but installation wasn't as easy as I thought. First of all, I didn't have an ethernet card on my home pc, so I thought I'd connect the dsl modem through a USB cable. I couldn't get that to work.

Then I decided to install to install the ethernet card that came with my dsl modem, and I finally got to that right, but the dsl modem still wasn't connecting to the computer. I finally ended up calling 2Wire support and they told me that the problem was the McAfee Firewall that I installed. The firewall software was putting filters on my ethernet card adapter, and the modem couldn't communicate to the computer throught the filters. The tech person said to uninstall it and the DSL modem should work.

WRONG!!! I uninstalled the McAfee Firewall, and it didn't uninstall cleanly. What I should have done was uninstall the ethernet card, and then uninstalled Firewall. Somehow I think I corrupted my computer registry, and now I'm going to pay MacAfee $39 to walk me through getting rid of the filters. I hate McAfee. I should have stayed with Norton AntiVirus. I've never had a problem with Norton, but every time I've switched back to MacAfee I've found out down the road that it's compatible with some software that I bought.

I hate computer problems, and I'm a damned good techie person. I used to have to even do it for a living, and had to work help desk for a short time. I called a friend of mine, who works an IT help desk for a living, and she said I need to call MacAfee. I'm so upset, I'm almost tempted to throw out my MacAfee antivirus software and go pick up Norton instead.

I know it will work out. I've never let a computer problem stop me before, but I just have having computer problems.

I made my second meal in my new apartment. I keep wanting to go out and eat because I've been eating out every meal since Friday, but I have so much food that I need to start eating some of it.

My right shoulder still hurts. I think my y has to get used to working at a new desk. I'm still trying to figure out the best place for my keyboard and mouse. The desk I bought has a pull out keyboard and mouse tray, but it's really low. Maybe too low. I could put the keyboard and mouse on the desk, but I hate the thought of not using the keyboard tray. It's there after all.

I haven't worked out since last week. I was going to work out last night, but it felt awful to leave my apartment in such a mess. Putting things away takes time because then you have to figure out where everything is going to go. It's a slow process for me.

My goal is to have everything put away by Saturday. I think I can do it if I just work at every night. I'd like to walk into my new apartment and see it neat for once. There are a couple of boxes full of stuff that I have no idea what to do with. I have to go through the boxes and decide whether to throw the stuff out or not. Two small boxes of stuff isn't that bad though, and I can deal with that. Besides, it will give me a good incentive to work on sorting the stuff in the box if I have to look at it every day.

I spent eight hours on Saturday cleaning my old apartment. I hope I get my cleaning deposit back. The place didn't look too bad after 8 years of occupation.

On Sunday, a friend came over and helped me unpack more and get organized. We hung all my pictures up, so the place looks a little more homey now. I really want a cordless drill. I think they are the best tool.

Lots of work today, and more projects look like they are on their way. I have a feeling I'm going to have go up to my corporate office in Sacramento once a week, because one of the projects is a joint venture between me and the IT group. The project is still in the planning phases, but it will probably be approved soon.

I don't mind going up once a week or even every other week, as long as the company pays my mileage. It will be nice to see people once in awhile.

I am so sick and tired of unpacking. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have everything unpack itself and walk over to their right places, like Mickey Mouse in The Sorcerer's Apprentice.. That would be a dream.

My home computer is up and working. YEAH!!! I don't know why I worry so much. I've moved my computer around and reconnected and disconnected it so many times. I depend so much on it though that I'm always worried it's not going to work.

I'm so tired. The movers brought my stuff this morning, and I've been spending the whole day unpacking. Now I just have to decide where all my furniture goes. I've got boxes everywhere. A friend is supposed to come over on Sunday to help me decide where the furniture should go and help me unpacik, but I can't wait that long. I've already started unpacking everything, and putting the furniture in place.

I've got to go back to my apartment tomorrow to clean it, so I can get my cleaning deposit back. I wonder how long it will take for me to unpack everything. When I come back from a trip, it takes me a month to unpack and put everything away. I just moved after eight years of living in one place. I hope I don't have unpacked boxes lying around in six months.

I think I reinjured my right shoulder again from moving all my boxes. It really, really hurts, especially when I use my mouse. The desk I bought has a tray for your keyboard, but it's too low and it was making my shoulder hurt, so I'm using the desk part for my keyboard and mouse. I'll use the keyboard tray to write.

I didn't even think of the keyboard tray height when I bought the desk. The desk is great, except for that one problem. Honestly, I dont' know if my shoulder hurts because the keyboard tray is too low or if it hurts because I strained it from all the moving. I'll have to experiment I guess in a couple of weeks. It's kind of a pain not to use the keyboard tray, but if I have to use the desk part I will.

The keyboard tray is so low, I end up sitting low and looking up at my computer screen. I don't think ergonomically you're supposed to be doing that. I thought the computer screen was supposed to be at eye level. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

This is the first night I'm not moving and it feels nice, although I wish my things were here. I sent my first fax this morning. The copier/fax machine printer, an HP 6110, my company bought me is a pretty nice machine. I have winfax pro on my home computer, so if I have to fax something I scan it first and then I transmit.

I found the video store today. I was going to freak out if I couldn't find a video store, but there's a Blockbuster within walking distance. I also found a place that sell fresh fish and a kosher meat shop. How cool is that? The hardward store isn't as big as the one in my old neighbourhood, but there are a ton of places to eat and almost as good as NYC pizza place. I didn't see a burrito place, but there is a ton of japanese, vietnamese, thai and chinese food restaurants.

The only junk food eatery is a KFC/Taco Bell, which is where I picked up lunch today. I'm eating horribly and not counting calories, but I'm not gaining weight. All my old junk food habits are in full force, but I'm probably not gaining any weight because of the stress of moving and all the exercise I get from moving boxes up and down stairs.

Next week I've got to start eating better, or I think I will start gaining weight. I must admit though, I just love not caring what I eat and eating any kind of junk food imaginable. It reminds me of being a high school girl, a time when I could eat anything and not gain weight. Those days are definitely long gone.

I've even started eating Brown & Haley almond roca, which I used to eat non stop in my youth. It's such a comfort food, and it brings back such good memories because my mom always kept a can in the house. I'm craving it even now, and I've already eaten two packages of the stuff.

It's scary how I can so easily slip into my junk habit eating ways without a second thought.

My new desk came, and I spent all afternoon setting it up. It works much better than my old desk. I set up my printer/fax combo machine, but I think receiving a fax is going to be a problem. If I pick up the phone and hear fax tones, I'll just hang up and I won't answer the phone when it rings again because that means it will be a fax. It's a crude method but I think it will work.

My bosses are trying to keep me busy, and I've already been invited to a meeting in our Sacramento office, where everyone else in my office relocated.

I should have had the phone guy install my wall jack closer to my desk. I've got phone cables running along side one wall. I guess that's okay, because I unplug everything at 5 pm, so it's not like you'll see it. When my DSL modem shows up, I'll probably end up just running the cable from my home computer down the hall to my work computer, and then at night disconnect everything. I was going to buy something called an HPNA adapter, where you use your existing phone line and it acts like a LAN line. It's another $50 I would have to spend and I'll probably end up buying it, but I think I'll try the cable method first. I'm the only one at home anyway, so it's not like anyone else is going to trip over the fire.

I don't want to get into the habit of using the work computer for anything other than work, so I'm trying to make it hard for myself to keep it on.

I'm exhausted and I have bible class tonight. I was going to move more stuff and just fill up my car, and park it in the church parking garage, but I've got my tree to move and I don't want the tree to sit in the car for three hours. I might go after work, but it will be after 9:30 pm when I get home and I don't think the neighbours in either buidling will appreciate me moving stuff that late.

I can't wait till I get my home computer set up, and all my furniture arrives on Friday. It will be more unpacking but at least all my stuff will finally be here and I can finally put things away.

I finished packing up my stuff for the movers tonight. I just have one more load of stuff to move, and then I'm done. I'm exhausted, but it's fun to know that I'm still very strong and can sure as heck haul a ton of boxes. I definitely got my exercise and weight lifting in at the same time. I took boxes and bags down two floor and then back up two floors.

I can't believe I fit all my stuff into that tiny apartment, and it all fit although it was pretty darn cramped. I threw out a ton of stuff and clothes beforehand too, so it's not like I didn't try to weed out my things. I'm going to have do another serious weeding out of my things in the next two weeks.

I unpacked my cups and glasses today, and there are some cups and glasses I haven't used in two years. I'm like, why do I even keep them. They've definitely got to go. I'm got to go through my closet again too. I saw clothes in there that made me wonder why I was even keeping them.

I decided not to set up my home computer tonight. I'll just to have disconnect everything when my desk gets here on Friday, so what's the use. I'm using my work computer to use the internet. It's kind of a drag, because I don't have all my regular bookmarks and there are certain sites I can't visit because I don't remember my passwords for them.

I have a telephone meeting at 9 am tomorrow. I'm sure my bosses are just trying to make sure I stay busy, since I now work from home. Whatever.

My apartment is freezing right. I turned on the heat, something I never had control over at my old place, but then I freaked out paying a high utility bill so I turned it off. I'm spoiled. My gas and electric bill has never been more than $20, but with a bigger place I'm sure I'll be paying more.

I had a freak out at Jack in the Box tonight. I decided I'd be healthy, like I know that's an oxymoron while eating at a junk food palace like Jack in the Box, and order the spicy chicken sandwich. A word of advice to fellow junk food eaters. If it's a special item, places like Jack in the Box will charge you more money for the food. A jumbo jack costs $0.99. The spicy chicken was $3.79.

When the counter person totalled up my bill, I practically had a heart attack. I was paying over $7 for junk food. Like what's up with that? I thought the counter person overcharged me, and I became a little more than concerned. The manager came over and readded up my bill, and the way the first counter person added up my food was cheaper than the way I was requesting.

There's nothing like nitpicking over a few dollars in Jack in the box at 9:30 at night, and have the whole restaurant as well as the whole staff snicker at you because the counter person was actually right.

So what's the lesson in all of this? When you're at junk food stops like Jack in the Box, don't order the special sandwiches. They are such a rip off. Don't food yourself into thinking you're being healthy by ordering a chicken sandwich, especially not if you order fried and onion rings to eat it with. The chicken sandwich is fried in oil to a crisp for pete's sake, and probably more fattening than the cheaper burger. Besides, junk food palaces started out just serving burgers, so burgers are what they do best. Burgers are also the cheapest sandwich on the menu.

So ... order the burger and go whole hog with the junk food experience. Don't compromise yourself by trying to be healthy. It doesn't work, and what's worse, junk food palaces charge you up the wazoo for even trying to order healthy food. Ordering healthy food or the pretense of ordering healthy food is so antithetical to the junk food experience, that when you do it junk food palaces punish you by charging you an arm and a leg for the sandwich.

As you can see I am still so riled up by having to pay $2.79 more for a stupid fried chicken sandwich, when I should have gone with my first instinct and ordered a burger. This experience is going to haunt my dreams.

So I finished my first project at work this morning. It wasn't too bad. I have the radio on, my temporary desk is by a window, and I even went out on my break to go to the fruit and veggie market to buy some food for snacks.

I kind of miss talking to people, but it was nice to go the market on my break. I'll probably have to actively seek out company and people to talk to. When you're in an office, there is always someone to have a little conversation with even though that person is just a fellow office worker.

I logged off my company's VPN for lunch. At my office, I would spend half my lunch time taking one of my walks, and then afterwards find something to eat. There are many lunch places around my apartment, and I could actually go and get lunch instead of cooking it myself.

I have food in my apartment, but I packed all my pots and pans, so I really won't be able to cook anything this week. This probably wasn't a good move on my part, but I just got tired of hauling my own stuff. It's actually been fun to eat out every meal. Since I started watching my calories, I limited my eating out. I've been eating out now since last week, and I still haven't gained any weight. I think I'm so stressed out from my move, that I'm just burning off my food quicker than normal.

The sun is out now, and my apartment is warming up. My apartment is really cold in the morning, and hot in the afternoon because my apartment faces west. At my old place, my apartment faced east and I had the opposite problem.

I can't wait for my furniture to arrive. I can't really unpack until all my stuff is here. There are bags and boxes of stuff everywhere, and it's a total mess. I hung up what clothes I could, but I don't have a dresser so I'm literally living out of my suitcases. It's so wild!

My new phone lines are installed, and I have my work computer set up. I'm using my work computer to blog because my home computer isn't set up yet. That's tomorrow's project.

I think I will have to buy a new desk. I was going to buy one anyway, but thought I could just use my old desk from years ago. Wrong idea! There's just not enough room on the desk for a keyboard and a monitor. The monitor is so close to my face. Now if I had a flat screen monitor it would work, but I doubt my company is going to buy me one now.

I'm glad I waited though to buy a new desk. I decided to move my work desk into the dining area. It's small and dark I just don't think I would ever eat in there. A friend has a window in her condo with a view, and she put her dining table right in front of the window. I don't think I'll do that, but I have enough room in my living room to put a dining table in the back. That way I could eat and still enjoy my ocean view. I will buy a screen, and hide my working area so I won't have to look at while I'm not working.

It will just working my office or in a cube. I will have a small quiet space, where I'll work on computer and listen to talk radio all day.

Thank you to all who commented on my strange old neighbour guy next door. I needed a reality check on his behaviour and I think I got one. I haven't seen him since Saturday, but I've been pretty busy. I don't think I have anything to worry about, but I know I need to be careful and that is all I want to say about it right now.

It will be my first full day at work tomorrow from home. I have a couple of things due so my week will be busy. I'm nervous about it, but excited as well. This is a new challenge for me, and I like overcoming challenges. Now if I can just figure out how to make the dsl work for my new desk location, then I'll be really happy.

I spent Friday night in my new apartment. The neighbour guy across the way knocked on my door in the morning, and introduced himself. We talked, and then he offered to show me around the neighbourhood. He's an old guy in his 60's, who is semi-retired. I get the feeling he's very lonely and poor. He's a seasonal parking lot attendant, who mostly works during the football season and at other events that the parking company gets.

We ended up at a breakfast place, and I bought him breakfast because he was so nice. He wouldn't leave me alone though, and I finally just had to tell him that I needed to get some unpacking done. The cable guy came over, and it was kind of awkward because the neighbour guy was like kind of telling the cable guy what to do. I had to tell the cable guy that the man was my neighbour.

I'm sure the old neighbour guy was trying to be helpful because I was a woman and all, but it was kind of weird because the guy was like acting like I couldn't take care of myself. I'm sure the man is harmless, but he sure does need alot of hugs. He kept saying he wanted us to do things together, and I'm like I hope he doesn't become a pest because I don't want to offend him because he does live across the hall.

I just never know what to do in a situation like this. I was trying to be nice to guy because I just moved in and to be a good neighbour, but I don't really want to socialize with him all that much. I'm like regretting that I told him I work from home, but if he knocks on my door during the day, I'll just tell him I can't socialize because I'm supposed to be working.

I was planning on going to the gym after work, and I think I'll start doing that regularly again just to be out of the house alot. And on the weekends, I'm usually out of the house anyway so I'm hoping the old neighbour guy won't have much opportunity to bug me. I think after awhile, the old neighbour guy will figure out that I'm never home.

I feel bad because I think the old neighbour guy is just really poor and lonely. I thought he said had cable TV also, and then he said he didn't. I'm hoping that's not true, because you can old pick up about three channels without cable. He didn't have any books or magazines in his apartment, but I kind of got the impression that he doesn't read very well. His apartment was pretty musty and dirty, and it kind of smelled. The man was clean and everything, but I don't think that cleanliness is one of his strong points.

I think it's nice that he's so neighbourly and everything. That's very rare in a big city, but I guess it's just so unexpected. I'm sure it will be fine, and if he does become a pest, then I'll just have to figure out how to deal with him. He did say that he didn't understand when people say to him. "they need their space". I'm wondering if people have said this phrase to him because he was a little too friendly. He's from the south, so he says he just wants to be neighbourly but I'm hoping he doesn't go overboard.

He's old fashioned, and he kept calling me an "unmarried woman", and I'm like hoping that the phrase doesn't entail this whole weird thing.

Other than that, I'm still packing and tryng to move stuff over. It's weird trying to fix up my place without my furniture which doesn't come till Friday, but I'm coping as best as I can. Tomorrow the phone comes over to turn on the phone, and I'm sure that will be another adventure.

Wow, I hate packing. There's just so much of it to do. I have so much stuff, it's just unbelievable how much I've accumulated over the years. I visited my neighbour next door in my old place, and I finally got to see his apartment. His apartment is so sparse compared to mine, and it looks so roomy because he hardly has anything. I was standing there and marveling at how he could live with so few things. I don't think I could do it. I like to have things around me, my clothes, my books, the things I buy when travelling, my shoes, and my jewelry.

But maybe I don't need that many things because when you have to pack it all up and move it, it's a pain, a big giant pain in the wazoo.

And it's bloody bleeding raining outside today, when I was supposed to move enough stuff to spend my first night in new place. I need to make two trips tonight to take my twin size futon bed, my bedding, and my clothes. Then I'd like to make another trip to empty the fridge and freezer, and take the coffeemaker, the coffee grinder, the blender and enough breakfast things for tomorrow.

It's supposed to rain tomorrow as well, and that was going to be another big move day. I'll probably spend all day Sunday making trips back and forth. What a pain! All my friends are out of town or too busy to help, so it's just little old me. I'd like to ask rock star drummer guy to help, but he was in a really bad car accident a couple of years ago and he has the most awful back problems.

There's no much left to move except my clothes, the stuff in the fridge and freezer, the rest of my food, my shoes and my plants. I'm going to have let the movers move the rest, and just pray I don't suddenly need anything I've packed away in a box. If I do, then well, I'm just going to go out and buy it again because I'm certainly not going to open my packed boxes.

I was writing a post last night, and when I clicked on the Post & Publish button Blogger fritzed out. I had written a long piece, and now it's all lost. Too bad. I'm just not in the mood right now to rewrite what I wrote last night.

Oh well. I met my downstairs neighbour last night. He was really nice, and he made feel welcome. That was sweet. I think he used to be a psychotherapist, so it was kind of like getting a free shrink session. I hope I will be a good neighbour for him.

My office is shutting down at 11 am, but I might leave before then. It will be good to have the rest of the day to take more things to my apartment. I want to sleep in my new place tonight. I brought over the TV, VCR and stereo over last night, as well as most of the food in my cupboards.

The movers are arriving next Friday to move the boxes, the heavy furniture, and whatever else I don't want to move myself. It's going to be weird to only have half my things, but it seemed a good idea to have the movers come later rather than first.

I'm exhausted. Moving a car full of stuff tuckers me out. I should be able to make more than one trip a night, but one trip seems to be my limit. Hopefully today, I can make at least more than one trip, but I'll see.

I watched the ending of "Manor House", and it was bittersweet. The people talked about leaving the Edwardian era, and returning back to their 21st century life.

I'm starting to feel that way about my move to my new apartment. I've been at my place for 8 years, and it does feel like I'm saying goodbye to one era of my life and entering into a whole new era.

I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I've been wanting to move since November, and maybe even longer than that, although I didn't admit it to myself. But at the same time, I've grown safe and comfortable here. It's been home for a long time. When I used to move every two years, moving was no big deal. This experience has been incredibly traumatic and very anxiety producing.

I know I'm moving into a better place, with more room and less noise, but it's the fear of the unknown and the stress of having to get used to a different neighbourhood that's been making me extremely nervous.

I'm not only moving apartment, I'm also leaving my office to work from home. I think I could deal better with one of the two, but not both.

I do have the incredible feeling that I am entering into a much better phase of my life, and that's been a comfort at least. I won't have to hear the noisy neighbour upstairs. I'll have parking, and won't have to worry about having to move my car every night or wonder what's happening to it.

I'm also trying to see working from home as something that I need to know that I can do. My big dream in life is to be a full time writer, and full time writers work from home. They don't go into an office and work. They sit in front of their computers at home, and write. If I can't work in my corporate job at home and be productive, I'll never be able to work from home as a writer and be productive.

I think I'm very disciplined about work, so it will be interesting to see if I can maintain the same standard while I work at home. My old boss told me today that I'll be fine. He's been working at home for about five years, and he loves it. He can't imagine working in an office, even though he did for a time. He's even cut back to only working part time, because he and his wife just had a second child. His wife also works at home and she can make more money than him working full time, so they decided that he should go part time and she should go full time.

Everyone I know who works at home loves it, and seems very happy. I hope the same result will happen for me. Working at home can't be that different than working at my work place. At work I had my own office, and I always worked with my door closed. I had some interaction with people at work, but not really that much other than to exchange pleasantries in the kitchen or in the hall. I was never one of those employees who was very social at work, at least not at this job.

How can working alone in my office with the door closed and staring at my computer all day, be that much different from sitting at home at my desk and staring at my computer all day? When I look at working in this way, I don't see that much difference, but I guess I'll find out in the next few months.

I know I have to stop looking at my life as permanent, because it's never been that way. There have so many changes in my life over the last few years, and I've always been able to cope before. I've changed job three times since 1997, I bought a car, a really good friend died, I've gone through a few romantic relationships, I became seriously involved in the growth and development movement and was even contemplating becoming a life coach or a seminar leader before I left, I spent three years taking acting classes and was cast in a play, and I started taking writing classes, started two novels and a play, finished several short stories and a screenplay, was in an instructor led writing group for a year, joined another writing group, and for a time was even part of a screenwriting group.

My life has been in a constant state of flux, so all my moaning and groaning about having to leave the permanency of my life seems to have been nothing but a lie that I've been telling myself. But perhaps it's very human to tell yourself lies about how stable your life is. I think it's stressful to think of your life as changing constantly, and that it seems perhaps less stressful and in the short term easier to have the illusion of permanency in your life.

But it's an illusion nonetheless, and I just have to realize that.