So I'm sitting in my all day work meeting thinking this is the first company I've ever worked for that I don't really care that much about. It's a strange feeling. I made a deliberate choice a few years ago that in order to concentrate on my writing, I would take a job that paid reasonably well but was not demanding. I would take a job where I wasn't so emotionally invested, so I could leave it at 5 pm and work on my writing.

Well, I have that kind of job. I'm not emotionally invested, I don't work more than 40 hours a week, unless there's some huge client meeting and that's happened only twice in three years, and part of me just doesn't care about the place other than the fact that the pay me.

This is like the weirdest feeling for me because I've always been into whatever job I'm doing, and now I'm just not. A friend tells me that I'm just treating my job like how everyone else treats their job and that I was weird for taking my jobs seriously and having my self esteem so tied into my career and my job. This is a horrible feeling though, not to care that much about the company you work for. It's a new experience for me, and although I know it's good for me to think of job like this, I'm not sure i like the feeling.

Maybe if I was married and had kids I wouldn't want to be so emotionally invested in my job, but I don't. I know that some of the other people at my meeting probably treat their job like a job and have no emotional investment in it whatsoever, and that's normal for them.

I don't know how they do it. I don't know how I've done it for three yearsl, and not driven myself crazy. I know the only thing that keeps me at this job is 1) it's easy 2) it's not time consuming 3) the job market sucks and it's better to be gainfully employed at this point in time and than not and 4) the job doesn't stress me out at all like all the other jobs in my life.

I just feel so purposeless about life right now. I haven't been wriitng, so maybe I just need to get back to my writing and then I'll feel like my life has purpose again. It's like torture to feel so rootless about life, to feel like I'm just living my life without any aim or purpose in mind. That just doesn't sit right with me somehow. It's so utilitarian of me I know, but I just think my life should be for a purpose and if I don't have a purpose than honestly what is the point of living?

That's probably harsh, but it's like so true for me. I'm like one of those types who has to always feel like I'm living for something, a purpose, or cause greater than myself. I need a reason to exist, to live, to go on, so I can feel my life is worth living.

I know the times when I've felt I've had no purpose in life, no reason greater than myself to live, have been times where I've been incredibly depressed, suicidal even. Maybe it's like some gene I stood in wrong line for in heaven. The gene that says you won't ever feel you life is worth anything unless you're dedicated to something, someone greater than yourself.

Do other people have this gene, or is just me? It's so not curable either because I have tried to rid myself of need to feel like I have a purpose several time but to no avail. It's an odd way to think about life, I think sometimes, but I can't help but think of my life like this.