I went to the bookstore today, and checked out Dieting for Dummies. Here's the formula to calculate how many calories you need to maintain your present weight.

I take my current weight and multiply it by 10 = 168 pounds X 10 = 1,680, this amount equals the number of calories I burn by my body being just at rest. This is called your BMR or basal metabolism rate.

Then I take BMR and multiply it by my activity level, a number from 1 - 5. 1 - no exercise, 2 - walking 1 mile a day, 3 - walking 2 miles a day, 4 - moderate exercise, 5 - heavy exercise. I add a decimal point because that's the percentage of my BMR that I burn for my activity level.

I picked 4 since I walk anywhere from 4 - 6 miles a day.

168 X 0.4 = 672

I add the amount of calories I burn for my activity level to my BMR; 1,680 + 672 = 2,352.

(BMR + Activity Level) X 0.10 = this number is the amount I burn for your bodily functions, which is 10% of my BMR + activity level; 2,352 X 0.10 = 235

I add 235 to my BMR and my activity level; 1,680 + 672 + 235 = 2,587.

2,587 is the amount of calories I would need to eat to maintain my current weight.

Since I want to lose two pounds a week, I've cut 1,000 calories from my daily intake, and so far it's working.

I've been worrying about gaining some of the weight back, like I did before. I used the formula above and put in 130 pounds, which is my goal weight. I would have to eat about 2,000 calories a day to maintain that weight level. To be on the safe side, I took my activity level down to 0.3. That's alot of calories; it's 500 more than I'm eating now. I think that if I just keep tracking my calories, I'll be able to maintain my weight loss once I get to my goal weight without fear of it coming back. And I have the added bonus that I can now eat about 500 calories more a day.

At least that's the theory and the plan. I must admit I'm a little sceptical. Nothing in my life, including my body, seems to work the way everyone else's does. Tomorrow will mark one month since I've been on this new eating plan, and it's really not that bad. I can't eat the way I used to, but it's not like I'm starving or deprived of my favorite foods either. In fact, I ate 2 pieces of See's candy today and I'm still under my calorie count.

The weight is coming off very slowly, but at least it's coming off. I expect to be at my goal weight by the end of the year, if I contintue to lose 2 pounds a week. I wonder what my body will look like then. I can't wait.

I watched the 9/11 documentary that CBS showed a few months ago tonight. I was amazed by how much the french brothers captured. The worse part of the film was heaing the noise of the bodies falling. It's not a sound I will ever forget, and I wasn't even there. How bad must it have been for those people for them to throw themselves out of the building like that?

It's weird for me to think of the World Trade Centers gone. When I was spending much time with friends in NYC in the late 80's, I remember going to the World Trade Center one summer for a concert. My friends told me they had a lot concerts in the courtyard of the World Trade Center in the summer time.

One nice summer day, we took the train to the World Trade Center, got out and heard some kind of jazz concert there. The towers were amazing to me; they were so tall. There were so many people sitting and eating their lunch, and milling about. I couldn't believe all those people worked in those two very tall buildings. We didn't have time to go to the top, but I checked out all the shops at the bottom and even bought a denim jacket from one of the shops. I don't have that jacket anymore, but I wore it for several years. I wish I still had that jacket now as a souvenir of the World Trade Center.

I'm glad I have at least one physical memory of the World Trade Center, so the loss of it is something I can relate to. I can't imagine the towerds not being there. All my memories of the Manhattan skyline have the World Trade Center in it.

I also watched part of the Frontline documentary on Faith and God after 9/11, since I forgot to watch it last week. I also taped it for future viewing. That documentary was sort of depressing to watch. I'll have to watch it later, after I'm out of this 9/11 daze. One thing stands out for me just in the hour that I did manage to catch--how could god have allowed 9/11.

I don't know the answer to this question. I mean, if you ask that question, then you have to ask how could god have let 6 million jews die in the Holocaust, how could have god let people die in the Black Plague, how could could god let all those russians die in World War II, how could god have let Pearl Harbor happen, how could god let cancer eat up the body of a child who is under the age of 10, etc.

In my long spiritual journey, a journey I have been on since the age of 12, I have come to accept that the ways of God are inscrutable.

inscrutable
\In*scru"ta*ble\, a. [L. inscrutabilis : cf. F. inscrutable. See In- not, and Scrutiny.] Unsearchable; incapable of being searched into and understood by inquiry or study; impossible or difficult to be explained or accounted for satisfactorily; obscure; incomprehensible; as, an inscrutable design or event.

How can I as a human being with my human mind understand the ways of god? My life is just a blip, a second in the infinity of time. I'm not sure how or where I got this understanding from, but I hear the words of my friend B. Scavullo saying it to me over and over again. He was convinced of this, and often told me that it was foolish to ask why god did or did not do anything. He said that all you can really do is try to discern god's for your life. He said that all you can really do is surrender yourself to god's will and to trust him with your life. I used to smile at him and think, easy to sayand so very hard to do.

I've never been through anything like what those people in NYC, DC and Pennsylvania went through. I don't know what my state of mind would be right now, if I did. I don't think anyone can imagine what they would do in those circumstances, unless they actually went through it themselves. I would like to think that I would have come out of it with my faith intact, but I won't know until I get tested.

It's easy for me to say that the ways of god are inscrutable, but I never had body parts raining down on me like some of those firefighters did. I didn't see or hear in person people falling from a 110 story building, because what they were facing was too horrible and they thought jumping to death below was a better option. I've never had a building collapse on top of me. I've never had 30 people I know all die all at the same time, nor did I have to go to a funeral every day for a month or two. I've never been a part of any major disaster, and saw or knew that many people that died during it.

It's not that my faith has never been tested, because it certainly has and definitely more than once. But I've never had my faith tested like those people who went through 9/11. That Frontline documentary was definitely disturbing, and something I think I'll wonder about for a very long time.

I had a somewhat horrific day. My boss and I were supposed to have a meeting at around 1:00 pm, but his previous appointment lasted util 3:30 pm. I decided not to eat, since I was craving junk food and didn't want to go into my meeting smelling like a burger and fries. When he finally stopped by my office, he said he has to go because of the Bay Bridge traffic and that we'd talk later. I'm like, whatever. So I didn't end up eating till 4 pm, and I think I let myself go too long without food because I now I have a really bad headache. I don't know if I waited too long to eat, or it's that disgusting charbroiled bbq sandwich I had a Carl's Jr. I thought I'd try just to see what it tasted like, and it was really gross. But I was so hungry, I ate it anyway. The bbq sauce was sickly sweet, and so full of chemicals, which are probably now swirling through my bloodstream and giving me a pounding headache.

I think I am just stressed out by the whole 9/11 thing. I listened to the radio all day, and it all 9/11 all the time. I didn't mind it at first, but by the end of the day it was so depressing. I feel really numb right now, and it reminds me of how I felt a year ago today. Maybe that's what all this 9/11 anniversary stuff is supposed to do to you; bombard you with all the news, that you feel exactly how you felt a year ago - numb, upset and depressed. I was even sort of missing watching that videotape of those people who were celebrating the bombing by burning an american flag, you know the one TV showed over and over again, you know just to be the exact feeling right. But then as I was radio channel surfing in my car on the way home I came across some foreign accented woman on KPFA going on and on about how bad we Americans are, and all of a sudden the way I felt a year ago on 9/11 was complete, including the anger I felt at the insensitivity of KPFA on a day of national mourning.

God, I detest KPFA!!! They are the reason many people hate liberals. They are so caught up in their do gooder self-righteous, holier than thou, Harvard liberal, we know better than you Mr and Ms idiot on the streets of america because we went to Berserkley and we're smarter than you, that they lose whatever human connection they have to the very people they're trying to help, trying to champion. KPFA and their guests get so caught up in their impractical political ideology, that they forget that people with feelings, people with emotions, people who loved ones who died on 9/11 or whose loved one died in war on Afghanistan might be listening to their shows.

Honestly if foreigners hate our country so much, then why don't they refuse the billions of dollars of aid we send them. I mean that's the right thing to do, if these people had an integrity. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Some of these countries would have been wiped off the face of the earth, if it wasn't for the good ole US of A. If foreigners hate us so much, why do they want to be interviewed by our media? Why do they want to appear on our television, our radio programs? I just don't understand their rationale. If I hated a country so badly, I wouldn't have anything to do with them.

What's ironic to me, is that the rest of the world may have caught the american disease of whining. Which means if they have caught the whining disease, then these foreigners who are on talk shows and tv programs talking about why they hate america so much are like those people who get on Jerry Springer's show, or Maury Povich's show, or Sally Jesse Raphael's show, or whatever else sleazy talk show host is out there in tv land. And if this is true, we should then think about these foreigners in the same vein as we do the people who appear on sleazy talk shows. These foreigners are people who we shouldn't pay attention to, except as a source of amusement and derision.

Can you tell I'm in an angry and bad mood today???

I woke up at 5:30 am to watch the ceremony in NYC, since I missed the tragedy the first time around. It was hard to watch and to remember that I was blissfully sleeping here in the city and county of San Francisco, while huge jet planes were crashing into the towers of the World Trade Center.

9/11 further intruded into my world as I was in my car going to work. My neighbourhood has one the largest jewish temples in San Francisco. We also have a jewish school. I had to take a detour to get on Park Presidio Avenue, because the roads to the jewish temple were blocked and being guarded by the police. A few blocks down, I saw that the roads to the jewish school were also blocked and being guarded by the police.

I was frightened to see the blocked roads and the police, but I have to tell myself that they are just being cautious.

On 280 just before my exit, I noticed a bloodied dead raccoon lying on the side of the road. The raccoon was such visible reminder to me of what this day represented last year, what the whole year was about, and I think, what today is still about.

I created a memorial tile on Yahoo. It seemed like a good thing to do. I didn't know what to write, so I picked the statement that said something like we will not forget, to all those who lost on 9/11. I picked these pretty candles, and I think I'm listed under religion. It's that catholic childhood coming up. When I looked closer at the picture, I realized I picked those candle things you see at catholic churches where you pay a certain amount per candle you want to light. I spent alot of time up until age 18 paying for and lighting those candles. To this day when I walk into a catholic church and I see the paid candle rack, I can't help but head straight to it, fork over the cash, and light my candles. It's so automatic for me. Ah ... the joys of growing up catholic.

I'm working tomorrow on the 9/11 anniversary. It seemed like a good idea to be at work, to let those evil terrorists know that they didn't destroy, could never ever destroy this country. In hindsight, I made a good decision. Knowing myself, I would have just stayed home and watched TV all day, then gotten severely depressed about what I'd seen.

I'll go to work like it's a normal day. Maybe I'll even eat out and have a light dinner, just to see what's that like. It might good for me to not eat soup every day, like I've been doing. Although I had my favourite soup today, Progresso Manhattan Clam Chowder. I've loved this soup forever! I thought it would be really fattening, but it's only 220 calories for two cups with 2 grams of fat per cup. YEAH!!! I think this may be the start of a manhattan clam chowder soup binge.

I'll go to my church's 9/11 service at 7 pm, then come home and listen the Mozart's Requiem on TV. I wish I could see it live, maybe even listen to my e-buddy Mr. Zaft sing if I lived where he does, but I'll have to make do with watching it on TV. The cd I have, Mozart's Requiem on Deutsche Grammaphon conducted by Leonard Bernstein, is supposed to be the most definitive version.

I did hear Mozart's Requiem in person a few years ago, in a church no less, and even thought about writing a short story about a girl who is in love with Mozart and travels to listen to his music all over the country. She'd be like a travelling dead head, only she's a travelling Mozart head.

My other short story idea was about a 13 year old girl who's very catholic, and whose parents take her to see Mozart's Requiem. She has a quite an imagination, so as she's listening to the concert, she fantasizes about the statues in the church coming to live, all the statues. I love the gothic horror of the story. I still have nighmares about a movie I saw as a child, where gargoyles come to life, fly around and attack and kill people.

When I was in Chicago, there were many buildings there with gargoyles. After all these years, I still half expected those statues to come to life and swoop down on me and kill me. It's fun how your childhood nightmares never seem to leave you.

I think tomorrow will be a solemn and strange day.

That orange alert is starting to freak me out. I guess you have to expect stuff like this, a day before 9/11. It's all so depressing and creepy though. I'm starting to believe that we need to attack Iraq. There are too many reports of Iraqi planes flying into the no-fly zone. Why are they doing this? What are they hiding? Cheney just said that there is more evidence of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, but the information is too sensitive.

I received an email from a futurist last week, who publishes a newsletter I subscribe to, and he said that he and other remote viewers did some work for the Pentagon. They found people working on chemical weapons, and it sounded what I saw in XXX. This futurist has the best accuracy rate of any futurist. It scares me to think that he might be right. Why would he lie? And now Cheney, who after weeks of not speaking, says that there is sensitive information that the government has about Iraq which cannot be shared. Why can't it shared? If Iraq is making chemical weapons, shouldn't we know this? But then if we did know this, would such news bring widespread panic and chaos into the country? The futurist said that the Pentagon will try to take out the chemical weapons factory with vertical insertion teams. Is that missiles are being fired into Iraq?

I've already been feeling a general sense of unease because of the 9/11 anniversary, and this saying we have sensitive information but can't share it, and an orange alert do nothing but increase this sense of foreboding that I cannot shake.

I can't believe in less than a day, it will have been one year since 9/11. So many things have happened. In my writing life, I wrote about 120 pages of that novel I always wanted to write, "Following in the Dark". I finished a 21 page short story called Crazy Eddie. I finished the first draft of a screenplay called "Playing Catch with Dad". That's about 265 typewritten pages of output for the year, and the most I've written in my whole life. I hope the coming will be even more productive for me and my writing.

I finished reading "A Room with a View" and loved it. The movie was great, but the book goes into more detail about what Italy meant Lucy Honeychurch. I loved how Lucy found her soul in Florence and what she wanted in marriage and a life. I love how the title of the book "A Room with a View", could be a room with a view into your soul, into what you really want out of life.

I picked for my next book, "The Age of Innocence", by Edith Wharton. The movie with Daniel Day-Lewis and Winona Ryder is one of my favorites. I loved the story, and I loved how the sets were decorated. It was so east coast old world wealth, with all those darn palm trees, old books, and leather chairs.

I had a writing group meeting tonight. I really love the people in my group. We all met through a creative writing class at UC Berkeley Extension in Spring 2000. We formed a writing group after that, and although we've evolved into more of a social group, I love my group anyway. I don't have any close friends who are writing, or who even think about writing, so being in a writing group is such a god send for me. We're all all different stages of writing. Some of us pursue it seriously and submit. Others are afraid of show their work, but have the urge to write anyway, and there are people like me in the middle.

Our group is small, 5 people now, but everyone in it is so fun and so cool. I can't help but think what would have happened to my writing aspiraitions, if I'd found a writing group when I first started out. Writing is a lonely occupation; it' s not the kind of thing you do in groups. As a writer, I appreciate being in a group with other people who want to write, even if that desire never manifests itself beyond a thought. I wish I had been in a writing group, when the desire to write was tiny, tiny seed. I had to nurture that seed, against the advice of all of my friends, all of my coworkers, and mostly against my better self. But nurture it I did, and now I think my writing is starting to bloom. How much eaiser would my writing ;ife had been, if I was surrounded by people who had the fantasies, wishes and hope.

Going to the writing road alone is difficult enough. Having companions along the way, who are in different stages of the journey, makes me feel not so alone, not so freaky in this desire to create art through words. I take great comfort in knowing there are people just like me, struggling to write, struggling to find time to write, frustrated that the life you love gets in the way of that thing you call your art. Once a month, if we're lucky, every three weeks, I get to feel for a few hours that I'm not alone in my desire to write, I'm not alone in thinking that life gets in the way of writing because I have four other people confirming my truth. Okay, sure we sometimes talk and drink more than write and critique each other's work, but I don't care. For a few hours once a month, I get to feel that I'm not the only one out there struggling to write.

Opera in the Park - Hearing Nessun Dorma

I picked up a free ticket to hear Tom Stoppard speak later this month, because I'm an American Conservatory Theatre subscriber and they were offering free tickets to hear him. Stoppard is one of my favorite playwrights, although most people probably know him for his work on the movie Shakespeare in Love.

I also purchased a ticket for Turandot for a Sunday matinee. I really wanted to see this opera, but I was hesitant because I've had so many expenses lately. But the SF Chron gave it a good review, so I decided to buy a very cheap ticket. It's not the cheapest ticket you can buy, but it's the cheapest ticket I've ever bought for an opera performance. I usually like to spend a little more for a ticket, but every dollar seems to matter to me lately. Oh well. At least I'm going.

I ended up going to Opera in the Park, after telling friends I couldn't go. I had cleared my weekend, thinking my writing group would have an emergency, but by Friday nothing was happening. The picnic was cursed from the get go anyway. A friend who susually attend the picnic is in Spain for a month, and I'm on this new eating plan. My weight loss has been easy so far, and I'm committed to keeping the momentum of it going. Drinking mimosas and eating tasty picnic food all day loing is not my idea of fun right now. I know, I need to have my head examined for that thought, but Opera in the Park happens every year. I want this diet to be the last diet I'm ever on. I want my weight issue handled and handled for good. Not that there's probably ever going to be a time in my life where I can eat like a pig for days on end, but at least I won't have to worry about losing this much weight ever again.

After church I walked to the park from my apartment, and sat on a hill next to the tennis courts. The sound from that location was great, and I didn't even need to go to the actual meadow where I would have to deal with people with picnics on blankets. Other people had the same idea, because there were quite a few people on the hill. I watched people playing tennis on the courts, and a group of guys player roller hockey. I think I need to write a scene for a movie, short story or novel, where the characters are playing tennis to live opera music. The scene looked so surreal to me. I sat on my towel, read "A Room with a View", lay down at one point, all in the glorious sunshine of a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Golden Gate park.

I was hoping that they would sing something from Turandot, and they sang my favorite song from that opera "Nessun Dorma", and hearing that song definitely made my day.

The San Francisco Chrnonicle's website no longer has the link to 9/11 stories. If it's there, I can't find it. On the front page of the Sunday San Francisco Chronicle, it said they will publish a 12-page section on Wednesday 9/11/2002 called 9/11 Voices. Perhaps they are no longer taking submissions because they are doing a print version. I'm wondering if they were bombarded with entries.

Now I'm glad my piece got in and will now end up being printed in Wednesday's paper. My meditation teacher was so right. He said when you get a thought that feels like a divine inspiration in your head, you should immediately try to act on it. Divine inspiriation, he used to say, is a gift from god and if you don't act on it, you lose it.

When I first saw the 9/11 stories section on Wednesday, I immediately thought about entering mine. After all, I'd already written up a part of my 9/11 experience on my blog in August. My original blog version was longer than 500 words, so I spent an hour editing it down. Afterwards, I sent it. I think if I had hesitated now, I wouldn't have gotten published on the SF Chron's website, or be published in the Wednesday paper. Somebody up there must be looking out for me, because I'm now going to be part of my paper's, my city's anniversary 9/11 newspaper memorial. This is so cool. I live in a city with a population of about 1 million people, about there's about 9 million people in 9 county SF Bay area Region. My 9/11 experience is going to be part of the area's permanent record of what we did for the anniversary of 9/11. The San Francisco Chroicle also has about 1.3 million readers. It's website SFGate is rated # 6 on the top 10 newspapers sites, says the some org called Media Matrix. And SFGate was 332,000 unique readers everyday. As a writer, when am I ever going to get this kind of distribution.

Listening to Destiny by Zero 7. I love this song, although it's about a girl singing about breaking up with her boyfriend. The singer sings that "we are each other's destiny", and the music is so dreamy and haunting.

Movie review time.

Blue Crush I love surf movies. I grew up in Hawaii, and watched surf movies constantly. The surfing shots are great! The story line is so so. It's supposed to be a girl power movie, but it gets spoiled by some contrived love story in the middle. I thought the story fell apart after the main girl and the friend had the fight after the jet ski thing, and she runs into the arms of the quarterback. Not sure if it was the actress' fault because she couldn't convey enough emotions or the writing or the director's fault. The pro football quarterback love story for me, kind of took away from the girl's story. Too much of them flirting and not enough of her fighting to overcome her fear.

What worked was how they showed her having flashbacks of her accident every time she surfed. Also, depiction of surfing life and guys skateboarding was very authentic. Strange how it's all still like I remembered it. Things in Hawaii never seem to change. The music was great and also authentic with the reggae and rap/hip hop. Not enough Hawaiian music though which is off, because surf culture is into all things Hawaiian including the music. Also authentic were how some of the locals feel about tourists in Hawaii.

There is a lot of racial tension between locals in Hawaii and the tourists, especially the white tourists. I remember growing up and hearing about some murder spree in Honolulu in the late 70's called "Kill Haole Day". Haole is hawaiian for white person. My cousin is the assistant DA on the island of Kauai, and she was filling me on the few tourist murders that never get reported in the press. The press don't want to scare away the tourists, but yes tensions between white tourists and the locals is there, although very few incidents lead to actual murder. The condom scene was hilarious, because to most girls, condoms are so darn spooky and gross!!!

Some off things. The girls came across as really stupid! How can you have a girl power movie and have stupid chicks! No one had authentic Island accents except the boss lady at the hotel, and the surfer boys. Supposedly one of the girls was a local, but she hardly spoke so I couldn't figure out whether her accent was good or not. The main actress looked way too nice. The real surfer girl at the end is how surfer girls really look - sunburned and old and full of scars from falling on reefs. No real surf girls wear skimpy bikinis to surf. Those things would come off when they're tumbling in a wave. Getting wiped out in a wave was very authentic, haven't done it lots of times myself.

NY Times review touched on this a little, but surfing for girls in Hawaii is like skateboarding was for the kids in Dogtown and Zboys. Only girls from the bottom rungs of the economic scale surf in Hawaii. It's a class thing. Film showed it, but didn't really go into detail. I mean, you could kind of tell that the girls and the surfer boys were all from broken down, poor homes. Surfing and getting famous for it for those kids is a way out of their economic hell hole, like sports is for minority/poor kids.

Because the film didn't really go into it, surfing for girls comes across as this glamorous type thing to girls not from Hawaii. But sadly when I was there and I think till today in Hawaii, like my mother used to say, "girls from good families don't surf." For boys though, it's a different story. In other words, the film glamorized the world of women's surfing for anyone outside of Hawaii. Also, not enough drugs. Surfing and skateboarding is a drug culture, except for those christain surfer types. I think there should have been more people smoking marijuana, drinking beer, etc, but maybe that's just me.

Other than that though, great photography of the banzai pipeline on the north shore of Oahu and surfing, and for me the movie was worth seeing just for that.

13 Conversations about One Thing I liked how all the characters lives intersected and interweaved, but thought the movie in the end seemed shallow somehow and rather depressing. I don't see the movie playing well across the country, and didn't stay long in the top movie houses here. There was such a big missing in the film, and for me it was faith. None of the people in the movie had faith, or seemed to have faith in anything but themselves. I found the characters hard to relate to because of that. I don't know how people go through life without sme kind of faith. How do they get through life when bad things happen to them, or when good things happen to them? I can't imagine.

I think what the film tried to do, as one reviewer put it, was to show in a literary way the movements of a person's soul. But how do you show that without showing what they believe in? I thnk that the movie tried to show how life is random and that sometimes you don't have control over it, but in the end the conclusions the film reaches left me feeling deflated, and thinking interesting movie, but not very enlightening for me on what is to be human and to live in a world that could change at any moment.

I didn't see alot of humor in the movie, which is odd, since I think humor is necessary for survival. It made me wonder that if the characters in 13 conversations just laughed more and didn't take life so seriously, maybe they wouldn't be so damned depressed about life. Perhaps this movie is a lesson on what happens to people who totally bought into the enlightenment's premise that we live in a rational world of science and reason, where there is no god. See what kind of life you'll likely to be leading if you give up god and your faith.

Minority Report Philip K. Dick is a genius. I need to read his stories. That man's mind goes further than mine will ever go in my lifetime. Compared to 13 Conversations, Minority Report was the better movie for enlightening an audience of what it's like to be human and to live in the world that we live in. First, the world the film makers created for 2056 was just amazing. The only bothersome thing was the ad placement. As if Gap is going to be around in 2056, and Lexus and Aquafina for that matter. Yeah right! Gap has the butt ugliest clothes, and their stock prices shows how far they've fallen in fashion favour. Second, the plot was great and really kept you guessing. I hate plots that I can figure out right away. Tom Cruise gave a great performance, probably his best since playing Ron Kovic in Born on the Fourth of July.

Philip Dick's story shows such a deep understanding of the human need to love, for revenge, for power, and for good. And he shows it through an action filled story. The ending was fulfilling, and left me marvelling at Dick's storytelling ability. You see how low people will sink to further their cause, and what's worse, as an audience you totally understand how they could have done it. Dick plumbs the depths of human depravity and how much a person will do to achieve what he/she thinks is right. What is that saying, more crimes are committed in the cause of righteousness and good.

I also loved the precogs too. I'm supposed to have some precognitive ability, and it's sometimes such a burden. I pick up impressions of people, and it shows up like someone dropping information in my head. Most of the time I freak out, and I don't pay attention to them, but I do remember them. But it's not long before I find out that my impressions are true. I don't pick up future events instantly like pecogs, but just whiffs of what people are like and a general feeling about their future. My impressions are never wrong either. I only pick impressions up if I think about doing it or if they're so strong that I can't ignore them.

I get depressed sometimes, especially if pick up a general feeling about somebody's future. I hate when I do that. No one should have the right to know anyone's future, and I believe that the future is always changable anyway, so what I'm picking up is just a point in time impression. In a month, that person's future could change depending on what choices they make.

I wish I had Philip K. Dick's deep thinking mind. It would make the writing thing much easier for me. Dick's story blew me away. There are very few stories that blow me away like this. In the last few years, the only the movies that blew me away were: Signs, Bulworth, The Matrix, Gattaca, What Dreams May Come, and The Truman Show. At least, that's all the movies I can think of right now.

This is so damned cool! My local paper, the San Francisco Chronicle on their website www.sfgate.com, was asking readers to submit a 500 words or less write up on where they were on 9/11. I submitted to them on Wednesday night, an abbreviated version from what I wrote in my blog in August, under my pen name 'S. Brenda S...'.

I didn't think they were going to print it, but they did!!! Here's the link: Brenda's thoughts on 9/11.

God, this is so cool! I haven't published anything in about 10 years, and when I did publish I was writing articles not something about my personal feelings. I can't believe this! I am so psyched!!! Okay, I know it's my local paper and all, and I didn't get paid, but still. DAMN!!! I'm published!!!

I was trying to think back when I was my most healthiest thinest, and it had to be in high school. But then bad memories of me trying to find clothes came flooding back. In high school, I had a wide waist and no hips. Finding jeans that fit was such a pain in the wazoo. Jeans for women that fit my butt were too tight in the waist. If I bought women's jeans to fit my waist, the hips were way too big. The only jeans I could fit into was men's jeans. My favorite pair of high school jeans was a men's size 29 waist pair.

I decided to check the Lands End men's pants size chart. Sure enough the dimensions for the size 30 waist men's jeans had hips at 36 inches, which was my hip measurement in high school.

I'm hoping that now that I'm older, my body size has changed and that when I get to my goal weight I'll still have my hips. I like that I have hips, only because jeans shopping is a little easier and I can finally fit into women's jeans.

I think I read somewhere that Angeline Jolie has a wide waist too. She said she had a boyish figure. I wonder what jeans shopping is like for her.

I didn't list my goal weight earlier, so here it is: 130 pounds. I'm 5 ft 4 in.

This is the amount I weighed in my 20's, and I was very happy with my weight back then. I have a few more muscles now, than I did in my 20's, and since muscles way more, I don't see myself weighing less than 130. I have a medium to large frame too, so I think I can handle more weight. In my 20's at that weight I got my bad fat tested, and I was at under 20%. I've forgotten how low a woman's body fat percentage can go, before it causes problems like completely losing your menstrual cycle or having your cycle go haywire for few months. In the past, there were a couple of times when my body fat percentage got so low my menstrual cycle went haywire. I definitely don't want to repeat that experience. I'll have to get my body fat tested again, as I get closer to my goal.

I just looked a found a chart on the net which listed body fat percentages for women from the American Council on Exercise.
10-12% - essential fat, 14-20% - athletes, 21-24% - fitness, 25-31% - acceptable, 32% plus - obese.

I think when my cycle went haywire I was probably in the essential fat stage. The first time my cycle went haywire was during my bulemia days. The second time was when I was marathon running in my late 20's. I was cutting calories and running over 40 miles a week, which probably wasn't a good combo for me. The haywire menstrual cycle is so not good for your body.

There are consequences to everything you do in life, even the good things that you do for yourself. Earlier this year, I started seeing a chiropractor/healer in Berkeley. He corrected many balances that he saw in my body. Afterwards, he told me that my energy level was 92% and he was very amazed at my level. When I asked him why, he said that most people have an energy level of 80%. At the time, I didn't think much about what he said and did not think about what effect this added energy would have on my life.

I just received an email from a very good friend of mine, which said that I am hard to deal with because my energy is too high. My friend says she is in a tired depressive state, and she can't communicate with me because of my high energy.

I kind of feel bad, because I didn't know she was depressed, but at the same time I'm like I love my new energized state. I worked very hard and spent a ton of money to have an energy level at 92%. I can't help that my energy is way too high. Isn't that the point of life, to go through it with your hair on fire, living larger than life, having way too much fun, and having enough energy to do all things you dream of doing? That's how I view life.

I mean, sure I get depressed, but my depressive states don't last too long. I've been way too proactive in my life about reducing my level of misery. I've spent way too much money, and spent countless hours to acquire tools, books, tips, techniques to get me out of my depressive states. I've been in and out therapy since I was 21 years old, have been to every type of healer all over the country, all in pursuit of that seemingly impossible high energy, loving life state. I can't be depressed. I've spent way too much time and money so I wouldn't ever be depressed, and if I was depressed, it wouldn't last more than a couple of days.

I love my life. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. Sure things can be improved, because there's always room for transformation and improvement, but I really love my life. I feel blessed, loved, and most of all I feel grateful that I have the life I have. Because I know, things could be worse, way worse, and I thank god that 99.9% of the time I wake up still feeling like I live the life of Reilly. I wish everybody in the world could feel about their life the way I feel about mine. It's a trippy, cool feeling, way better than being on any drug I've ever taken, and I've taken quite a few drugs in my life so I should know.

It's probably so weird to feel this good about your own life, but I do. I know where I came from, I know what my past was like, I've seen what my future would have been like if I had made different choices in my life, and I'm so darn, darn grateful that I have the life I have, because I know that at any point in my life, I could have gone the other way. I really feel this. And most of the time, I marvel that I didn't go the other way, that I didn't end up a drug addict, that I'm not homeless and tricking for a living, and that I'm not dead. I know that the only thing that separates me and the people who are at serious risk is the choice I made a every moment in life. At every moment in your life you have a choice, and your future always depends on that one choice, and your life depends on a series of moments and series of choices that you've made. It's always that one choice. And for whatever reason, maybe because it's really true that god takes care of fools and idiots, I didn't make that one choice which would have ultimately led to a horrible future.

And it's not that my childhood or my life was really bad or anything, because I've met people who had it worse, way worse. I just honestly believe that the only thing that prevented me from having a less than ideal future, was that one choice I made, that I kept consistently making at every moment in my life.

Was this for real? I'm watching ESPN, and they just interviewed the Oakland A's unofficial astrologer. I'm into astrology, but why was ESPN interviewing an astrologer from Beserkley of all places? It must have been a joke! I'm afraid to think of it as real. What's going on ESPN?

Correction to my post below. The book where I got the formula was "Dieting for Dummies". I checked my notes at home, and now I"m not even sure I wrote the formula down correctly. This is bad, but whatever I'm doing, at least I'm losing weight. I'll go back to the bookstore to check on the formula again this weekend. I hate it when I'm this spacey.

I was supposed to go to opening night football party tonight, but the car dealer called and said my car was ready. I thought for sure my car wouldn't be ready till Friday. I guess I could have picked up my car tomorrow, but I'm was tired of taking the bus. Oh well. I'm sure I don't need to go to a football party where I would probably have drunk too much beer and eaten way too many fattening snacks.

The 49ers are leading, and I'm happy about that. Watching football on TV brings back so many good memories for me. I grew up watching football, and it was a fun family event. Football is such a great game!

I am experimenting with my eating and exercising. This week I'm not exercising at all to see if it makes a difference to my weight loss. I weigh myself every morning when I get up, and from what I can tell, I'm still on track to lose two pounds by Saturday. I'll probably go back to walking 5-6 miles a day next week. I miss the time and quietness the walks afforded me. I think about things as I walk, and these sessions help to reduce my stress level.

My low calorie eating plan is going well. I'm not as strict as other low calorie eaters. I found a formula in the book Dieting Dummies, which I used to calculate how many calories I would need to eat to lose two pounds a week. You take your current weight and multiply that number by 10. Then you multiply your current weight by your activity level, the scale being 1 to 5. Then you mulitply your current weight by 1 to account for how many calories you burn for bodily functions. I think this is the formula. I have it in a spreadsheet at home, so I'll have to check if it's correct. The final amount is the number of calories you need to eat every day to maintain your current weight.

This the how I calculated my low calorie eating plan. My current weight was 168 pounds. 168 X 10 = 1,680. 168 X 4 = 672. I used 4 because I'm walking 5-6 miles a day. 168 X 1 = 168. These numbers together add up to 2,520. To lose two pounds a week, you subtract 1,000 from your total. You use 1,000 because you need burn or restrict 3,500 calories to lose one pound. To lose two pounds, you need burn or restrict 7,000 calories. 7,000 calories divided by 7 days is 1,000.

I'm looking at my formula, and I'm thinking something about it doesn't look right. I didn't buy the Fitness for Dummies book either, so if got it wrong, I'm like whatever. It's working.

Anyway, I try to eat 1,520 calories a day. Since I make my living as financial/reporting analyst, I track everything in an excel workbook complete with a graph and trend line to monitor my progress. Every day I input what I eat into a worksheet and the amount of calories per food item. Since I tend to eat the same foods, it's been relatively easy. I eat whatever I want, and there are no forbidden foods. But every day, my calorie total has to 1,520 or less.

Every day for work, I consume a breakfast of 300 or so calories. Breakfast is always the same. One Richard Schulze superfood shake with one cup of apple juice, one banana and water. I eat one packet of oatmeal sweetened with Equal, when I get work. I also drink two cups of coffee, with equal and soy milk or lactose free fat free milk.

Yes, I'm one of those people who drink soy milk. I was told I was lactose intolerant, so I drink soy milk or lactose free milk. I'm totally picky about my soy milk too, and only buy soy milk with less than 10 grams of carbos. There is no reason why soy milk should have more than 10 grams of carbos. If the soy milk does, then the manufacturer is putting lots of sugars into it, and there's no need to do that. I buy organic soy milk from a california grocery chain, not a health food store mind you, because they carry an organic soy milk brand with less than 2 grams of carbos. I used to only drink soy milk, but I'm experimenting with lactose free fat free milk for cereals.

For lunch, I usually have two cups of soup. I try to find a soup where one cup equals 100 calories or less. I also eat one serving of some kind of cracker or bread that is 100 calories or less. I also usually eat two pieces of fruit as a snack in the morning and during the afternoon. Fresh fruits are good snacks since one piece of fruit is usually 100 calories or less.

By the time I get home, my calorie count is usually about 800-900 calories. Most of my calories come at dinner, which means I can either eat out or have a dinner at home and have lots of snacks. I normally eat a handful of almonds every day, which is about 85 calories. A healer told me that if I ate at least 3 almonds a day, I would never get cancer. It sounds odd, but I'm doing it and I love eating almonds anyway. If I have a low calorie dinner, I splurge on snacks. I buy all my favorite low calorie snacks at places like Trader Joes. My low calories snacks include cheese puffs, cheese crunchies, caramel popcorn, graham crackers, sugar free chocolate, and english ginger cookies.

Eating has become like a fun game to play. I enjoy counting and measuring out my food. I am seriously thinking of investing in a scale, because not all food labels are precise about what constitutes one serving. Like how am I supposed to know how much one ounce of something is without a scale? Not having a scale has seriously decreased my snack options, since I only buy food that's easy to measure or count. I also enjoy surfing the net to find out how many calories are in restauarant food, if I do eat out. My analytical side gets a kick out of tyring to estimate how many calories are in a dish like pad thai.

As I noted in previous entries, I've had days where I can't follow my low calorie plan. These free for all days don't seem to have affected my weight loss rate, but I'm also only in the beginning of my new eating plan. A day or two off the wagon probably isn't going to affect my weight loss just yet. It will be interesting to see down the road, if a couple of free for all eating days will affect my weight loss trends. Right now, I think it's too early to tell.

I'm noticing that I do really well with a disciplined way of doing things, where I can combine my natural analytical side with my creative side. My current job as a financial reporting analyst appeals to both these sides. Someone tells me they want to see a certain data set. It's my job to figure out how to get that data set out of a large database, consisting of a million rows and up. It's up to me how to get the data, but I also have to be able to verify and justify the way I gathered the data to my bosses, clients and an auditing firm. My method has to make sense logically and also add up. Most of my job is just creative problem solving, how to get from point A to point B, but I also have to make sure that whatever I come up with adds up and makes sense. I'm alot like a regular old programmer designing reports, but I can't just spit out a report and hand it off to someone else to verify for accuracy. I'm the one who has to verify the accuracy of my data and my reports. You could say, I'm a little above a programmer, like a programmer plus.

I became a programmer plus by accident. I used to work at this one company where the reporting programmers in the IT department would create reports, but always said that the accuracy was totally dependent on the user/creator. As a user/creator, I hated their response and so did my bosses. I didn't understand why a programmer couldn't tell that their report was off, and then do something to fix it before it got to my desk.

I got started doing what I'm doing because the financial analysis group that I was working for, decided that they would bypass the IT department all together and have me program reports. I was the user/creator and the programmer all wrapped up in one. If my department wanted changes, they could have them right away and didn't have to wait for some crusty programmer's schedule to open up. It was a more hands on way of working for them, and I was good at it, very good. That was about 10 years ago, and this is the fourth company where I perform this function. What can I say, it's a living, it's creative in its own way, it pays the bills quite nicely, and I have my own office now.

Still no car today. I called my car dealer at 4 pm, and VW repair guy says that they're replacing the window parts on both my front doors. A three hour job has now turned into a five hour job, but he says tomorrow definitely. The old window parts were made of plastic, and the new window parts are made of metal. VW repair guy says if they don't replace the passenger side door, it will probably break in six months anyway. Again, it sounds like I am not the only one who's had the window up and down thingie breaking in their car.

I guess I can't complain, because VW is doing the job for free. VW repair guy said the job would normally have cost $400. He's calling it a goodwill repair, because it's been 3.5 months since my warranty ended. My extended warranty would have covered it anyway, and I paid extra to have a zero deductible. I bought my extended warranty from them. Isn't it on my record? Whatever. I just want my car back.

Getting up an hour earlier is really wrecking my sleep pattern. By 11:30 pm, I am so sleepy. Being tired at that hour is so strange for me. I'm not making my own coffee either, and instead have been having coffee at work which is making me feel totally jittery. My gourmet coffee beans are a low acidic blend, so they don't mess with your tummy and your nerves. Who knows that the office coffee is made of and where those beans came from? I tried taking a new coffee thermos to work, but they always leak and coffee stain everything in my bag. I hate this! I sound so darn whiney.

My poor car. I know my baby wants to come home. I know he hates being in the car hospital like this. VW repair guy said my car would be ready tomorrow, which is Thursday. Something is telling me my car won't be ready till Friday. This is one time I hope my intuition isn't right.

Below is a couple of paragraphs from an email I received, written by a member of my church (ST) on the US going to war against Iraq. My church is full of people who think very deeply about issues, and aren't "knee-jerk" reactives.

"I am concerned about a unilateral, as opposed to a multi-lateral or United Nations approach to Iraq. Any use of force, even in international matters, must be based on the rule of law. However, to say that one can use force against an international outlaw only when he is armed to the teeth and is ready to start an offensive is an invitation to a most destructive and horrific scenario. In the last couple of years, I visited parts of Germany and, even 55 years later, the signs of the destruction of World War II are almost unbelievable. What if Hitler were stopped in the mid-1930's when he started building up armaments and when he occupied the Rhineland?

Christians are sometimes "knee-jerk" pacifists who reject any use of force, even when it aims to prevent the threat of far greater danger. I do not necessarily agree with Bush's approach, but I also don't agree with the opposite position."

I completely agree with his sentiment about our country taking a unilateral approach to Iraq. There are no other countries, with perhaps the exception of Britian, supporting us in a war with Iraq. To go to war without worldwide support is such a mistake. And like some people, I need to also know what our exit strategy is when Sadaam Hussein is overthrown. Who takes his place? What will the USA have to do to keep peace in the country once he's gone? If Hussein is toppled, will Iraq face threats from Iran? And if Iran tries to take over Iraq, will we be forced to defend Iraq?

Or will Iraq go the way of the former soviet republics after the fall of soviet communism, and turn to civil war or ethnic cleansing. If I'm not mistaken, Hussein is a Sunni muslim and the majority of Iraq is composed of Shiite muslims. Will the Sunnis and Shiites battle for the control of Iraq? Will Iraq turn into another Korea, where years after the Korean war, the US still maintains a demilitarized zone (DMZ)? Can the US afford to have another country where we need to keep peacekeeping troops or some kind of troops, just to keep peace in the country?

It is interesting thought to think about the question, what if Hitler were stopped earlier?

Taking public transportation to work is like anything else in life ... it's all in the timing. If you miss your connection, you're messed, especially if you're riding buses in two different counties. SF Muni I understand; I've been riding it for years. SamTrans is a totally different story, moreover, it's a totally different county.

But there's something universal about taking a bus. In Bali, London, Honolulu, NYC, Chicago, LA, Washington DC, Virginia, Maryland, and the SF Bay area, the buses always run late.

From Israel 21c, an essay from former Senator Paul Simon from Illinois entitled Scarce water at core of Middle East issues. Could this be true?

From The Middle East Times, More than water in the Israel-Turkey pipeline, another take on water as a source of midldle east tension.

Now my other opera CD is on, "Great Tenors of the Century".

I'm falling in love with the aria called "Nessun Dorma" from Puccini's Turandot, which is ironically screenwriting marina hottie boy's favorite opera. Life is strange isn't it? I should have taped the opera when it was on TV. I think this means I need to go and see Turandot at the SF Opera this month by myself, so I can listen to "Nessun Dorma" and dream and fantasize without having to explain myself or be jarred back to reality by another person. It's selfish, I know, but some music needs to be enjoyed alone.

I'm in such a depressed mood because of my car. I don't know if I need to be listening to the suicide song, "Un Bel Di", from Puccini's Madama Butterlfly. I have on a real opera cd this time called Amore II, Great Italian Love Arias. The cd features Puccini, Verdi, Donizetti and Giordana love arias. Listening to opera just suits my mood right now. Sigh ...

I'm the type of person, who gets depressed because of the little crises in life. The big stuff doesn't bother me; that stuff I can handle without blinking an eye. It's the little inconveniences in life, which send me over the deep end and make me wonder as I look out at a graveyard on my bus ride home, how nice it would be to lie dead in a coffin, free of this world and all its trials and tribulations.

I had a Scarlett O'Hara moment right afterwards too. I started telling myself, I'm never going to feel this poverty stricken again, I'm never going to have a life where I have to deal with BS like this again, I'm never going to whatever. Very melodramatic, I know. And then I told myself, I've faced worse than this at an age where I didn't have the brains or cognizance to cope, and I survived and survived pretty damned well too. I'm not going to let little things, like my car window breaking and me having to take public transportation to go home from work, bother me to where death seems like a nice option.

This has definitely been an eye-opening three weeks. First, the realization that a calorie restrictive diet does work and you know, isn't that bad. Secondly, how much I love that my clothes aren't tight and what a great feeling that is. Third, if I'm ever going to make it as a writer, I've really got to work my bunnies off. It's like I have this myth in my head, that everything comes very easy to me. And when I do a reality check, my myth about my life is so not true. I have had to work my tail off to get what I want in life. I mean, sure I didn't have to work as hard as some people, but I did work hard. I don't know why I keep lying to myself. Okay, so maybe I've had more than my share of fantasies come true, and I still believe fervently that I can get whatever I want. But so what! I've still had to work hard to make my fantasies come true. I'm just very interesting in having my fantasies come true, so I work hard at making sure they do. And yes, I still believe that life still turns out, god still loves of me, and it all works out, always for the better, all the time, in every way.

I bought the book, "Making a LIterary Life, Advice for Writers and Other Dreamers" by Caroylyn See. Reading her book made me realize that writing is working consistently day in and day out, week in and week out, year after year. Ms. See said she writes 1,000 words a day, five days a week. When I did the 50K word novel writing thing, I wrote 1,666 words a day for 30 days straight. 1,000 words a day, five days a week should be a breeze, shouldn't it? If I'm serious about being a writer, I've got to write, I've got to brush up on my grammar and take that copyediting online class next month. I've got to read more books and I've got to just be more focused on working every day on my writing.

Ms. See recommended either 1,000 words a day or 2 hours of editing. I really like her book. She's a no nonsense writer, and I totally relate to her alienating husbands (in my case boyfriends) with your writing. Like with Steve, the one that got away. He used to make comments when we were dating, about how much time I was spending either in writing class or writing group. Like my writing was robbing him of time I could have spent with him. Never mind that he travelled two weeks out of every month for his job, my writing was bad for our relationship because my writing was less important than spending time with him, and that I should accomodate my schedule to his, like his travelling schedule wasn't a problem for me too.

I know I definitely frightened screenwriting marina hottie boy with my writing. He made a comment to me, about how some writers get so focused on their art that they ignore everything, hint, hint. Such a weird statement coming from him, considering he also wrote and spent a considerable amount of time at it himself. I don't blame him though. I definitely considered him a distraction when I first met him, a distraction I couldn't afford to have. But it all worked out that I ignored him, because he turned out to be much too wild and crazy for my blood.

Better news today. I talked to my car dealer, and they will fix the window for free. I am very happy about this, although I was curious to see how my extended warranty works. Oh well. I'm sure there will be a next time.

The bad news. I might not get my car till tomorrow. The only good thing, I guess, is I made sure that when I took this job that I would be able to get here on bus. I always try to make sure that when I get a job where I have to drive to work, that there's a way to get to the job on public transportation. It's the neurotic part of my personality having it's say in my life.

I took the bus this morning, which meant having to get up 45 minutes earlier than I'm used to. I left my apartment at 6:45 am, and walked 7 blocks to the bus top. The bus came at 7 am, and I didn't get to work till 8:20 pm. That's about 1 hour and 15 minutes on two buses.

I could have rented a car, but it only costs me $2.25 each way to get to work, which is way cheaper than renting a car. Secondly, I've been wondering, since I got this job, what it would be like to take the bus to work. Now I know. It's long, but it's really not that bad. It's nice not to drive in rush hour traffic. I read a little, then closed my eyes and fell asleep on both buses. I just hate the fact that it takes so much time. In my car, the drive is half an hour. When I take the bus, the transit time from the time I leave my house to the time I get to work, is 1 hour and 35 minutes. That's 2 hours wasted out of my day. Plus, the bus far is $4.50 a day, which is about the cost of a quarter tank of gas. Taking the bus for a week would cost $22.50, which is more than price of a tank of gas.

But I can't complain, I guess. The car window will be fixed for free, and now I know if I absolutely have to, I can take the bus to work, and other than time and cost, it's really not bad. I think this is a good thing.

This is karma for you. Steve, the one that got away, listens to Andrea Bocelli. I mean Andrea Bocelli, come on! The guy sings operatic muzak. He's like Michael Bolton, only he's blind and sings in italian. Big deal! I used to look at Steve and wonder how I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone who listens to the italian version of Michael Bolton, who at least doesn't have that hippie long hair do.

I belong to one of those music clubs, and the selection of the month was Luciana Pavarotti singing romantic love songs. I'm thinking that since it's Luciana Pavarotti, the cd will be full of opera solos. The cd arrives in the mail, I put it on, and the first 12 songs are italian love songs. I'm like freaking out! It's like I'm listening to an Andrea Bocelli cd, only it's Luciano Pavarotti singing operatic muzak. The last 8 songs on the cd are opera solos, but the first 12 songs are Dean Martin synthesizer classics. If Steve could see me now he'd laugh, because the cd is actually not that bad. God, I must be getting old if I'm at the age where I can listen to operatic muzak and think it's good music. It's either that, or this is my karma for thinking evil thoughts about Steve's taste in music. He was only 6 years older than me, but he didn't even know who the Cranberries were. I was afraid to tell him that I listened to rap, hip hop, and grungey metal music, and that as my friend Jon has pointed out, I have TRL taste in music. God, no wonder we were never meant to be together. Polar opposite tastes in music.

Speaking of Steve, I had a dream about him this morning before I played my Pavarotti cd. God, I'm so tired of dreaming of the man. I'm like, it's over, it's been over for quit some time, I regret that he got away, but at the same I'm very glad we never ended up together. And the dream was stupid too. In the dream, we were together but then at the end he was telling me that we didn't belong together. I wake up and I'm like, DUH!!! Of course, I know we don't belong together. Get the hell out of my dreams why don't you!!! I hate Steve Ellis dreams!!! They disturb me!

Bad day today. On the way to lunch with a friend of mine this afternoon, the window on the driver's side of my car breaks. I think the glass fell off the rollers or something. Talk about freaking out. I never drive with my window down ever. People have to beg me to roll down my window, even if it's hot. I just hate wind blowing on my face. I would rather have air come through the sun roof than the driver's side window.

It all started because my friend, who has to have it be exactly the right temperature in the car or she freaks out, couldn't roll her window down. That front passenger's side window has some kind of short in it or something. I've told the VW dealer people about it, but whenever they test they always say it's fine. Whatever. Anyway, the window isn't rolling down, she's complaining like a mother, so I start fiddling with all the windows. My windows ends up rolling up and down a couple of times, but the third time we heard a "kerplunk", like the window fell of the rollers or something.

I'm thinking, damn, it's Sunday and no garages are open, and I can't have a car where the window doesn't roll up. I have no garage space, so I can't store the damned car. I can't leave it out on the street because someone might steal it, wreck, steal the cd player, and the stupid car isn't even paid for yet. In the meantime, we're still driving to the lunch place because my friend is like, "we'll take care of it later." Is she nuts? Is she fbombing insane? I'm not parking my car without a damned window for every nut job in San Francisco to get into.

Luckily she heard the panic in my voice, and I was kind of panicing, and suggests that I take her home, so I can go deal with my car problem. And I'm like, "thank you". If it was your car and the same thing happened, you'd be freaking out too, and you wouldn't for a second be able to sit down to a two hour lunch and leave your car parked on the street somewhere without a window.

So I drop her off and go park somewhere. I had no idea what I was going to do. I thought about calling my insurance agency to report it and get help, but my window breaking wasn't exactly an accident or a break in. I have an AAA card, so I call them but they're no help. Finally I decided to drive my down to the dealers and beg them to keep it for me till Tuesday, when the service department opens. And if they couldn't do it, well, I'd figure it out after I got there.

Driving down the freeway at 65-70 mph with my driver's side window open all the way scare the bejesus out of me. It's something I've never ever done, and it's an experience I hope to never repeat. I had images of thing flying in the car while I was driving and hitting me in the eye or the face, and me losing control of my car and crashing. I know, it sounds whacky, but those are the things I thought about while driving down to my dealer.

I get to the dealers, told them my problem, and the guy I talked to seemed to know exactly what my problem was. Like maybe, I wasn't the only VW car whose front side driver window had come off its roller. Not a pleasant thought. The guy at the dealer was very helpful. He opened up the service garage, and locked my car in for the weekend. I filled out a form, left my key and took two buses to get home.

I could have rented a car, but I decided that it wasn't worth it. I could get myself home on the bus this afternoon, and on Tuesday morning, I could take those same two buses to get to work. Luckily my car dealer is near where I work, so I can go to work on Tuesday and pick the car up in the afternoon. From the what the guy at the dealer told me, it shouldn't take more than a day to fix my car.

Now I'm just worried about the cost. I have a german car, and unlike american or even japanese cars, german cars are expensive to fix. I bought a 10 year extended warranty for my car from the dealer, so I'm hoping it's covered. The factory warranty for my car ended in May. I'm also going to check my car insurance to see if my insurance will cover the cost, if the extended warranty doesn't.

I do so love european cars for their handling, their feel and their powerful engines, but they are just so expensive to fix when they break down. Maybe I need to look at Toyotas for my next car. Japanese cars just don't handle as well or have the same kind of heavy feel to them like a european car. I rented a Toyota once to drive down to LA, and that car handled 90 mph pretty darn well going down I-5. Hondas are good cars, but I've really been impressed with them.

I hate car problems; they depress me. I bought a new car, after years of driving used cars, so I wouldn't have to deal with alot of car problems. I love my VW Golf, but in two years, this is the third time, I've had a problem. First, a check engine light came on and wouldn't go off. I took it and the dealer fixed at no charge, because of the factory warranty. Next I get a notice that the car has been recalled, so I have to take it in so they can fix whatever the recall thing was about. Since it was a voluntary recall, VW fixed it for free. And now, my window falls off the rollers.

Well, there was that other time where my brakes were making a high pitched squeel. When I was in for an oil change, I told the dealer service department about it. Later they told me that my back brake pads were fried, but they replaced those for free since I was still under warranty. Oh yeah, then the light in my visor mirror stopped working, but VW replaced that for free too because of the warranty.

My poor car It's just one problem after another. I love my little green german fat boy car too, whom I call Seigfried or Ziggy for short. My Japanese factory built GEO Metro didn't have half these problems. I'm definitely going to have to think about going Japanese the next time I purchase a car.

From my church's yahoo groups board, someone posted an interesting article from the NY Times on 9/11 and God, Searching for God During a Tragedy. I'm not sure if you have to be registed on the NY Times website to read this, so be aware of that.

The column starts "Where was God on September 11?" I've never read this column before, but from what I've been researching, Peter Steinfels comes out of the Pentecostal tradition, has a doctorate on religion, and has been writing this column called Beliefs for the New York Times since 1988.

To commemorate September 11, my church is having a 24 hour prayer vigil starting on September 10 at 7 pm, and then concluding with a 7pm service on September 11. I'm sure churches around the country are honouring this occasion in their own way. I think it will be a solemn day for everyone, probably akin to how Pearl Harbor Day is memorialized for people who lived through it.

I grew up in Hawaii, and Pearl Harbor and Memorial Day were big events in school. Each school sent flower leis to be placed on the graves of the dead soldiers. There were contests of every sort in my grade school yearly, on both occasions. Contests to see who could make the most leis, the most unusual lei, the most creatively designed lei, etc. Honoring the war dead was a big part of my childhood growing up. I wonder if it was the same for other children. Hawaii was the only state that was bombed in a world war. Perhaps only in the south with the war between the states, can you find the same amount fervor for remembering the war dead.

You coudn't grow up in Hawaii, at least on my island and during the time I lived there, without being acutely aware that you were in the past, and even now, a target for nations to attack, and attack first. My teachers in school made us vitally aware, that our state for all practical purposes, was a sitting duck in any world war. Still, I'm glad I grew up at a time, in a place, where the war dead were honoured, and memorialized year and year. I wonder if schools in Hawaii are still keeping up with the practice.

After two weeks on my low calorie eating plan, I've lost seven (7) pounds. Most of this weight I know was water, but it's a great psychological boost to know that the weight is coming off. I spent the morning trying on clothes in my closet that haven't fit for the last year and a half, and some of them actually fit. YEAH!!! I've still got a long way to go, but it's exciting to think that one day I'll be able to wear everything in my closet again.

I was going to go shopping to check out the Labor Day sales, but decided against it. I shouldn't buy any more clothes until I lose weight. I did buy a clearance sweater from both Lands End and LL Bean last night, but my top hasn't varied in sizes in years. I'll always be a large on top, maybe a medium, a big medium, but never a small. Nature has been generous with me with a certain body part, and I'm the size that some women are surgically trying to enhance. When I was younger I swore to myself once, that if I ever made a ton of money, I would get a reduction in size. But as the years have gone by, I've become grateful for nature's generosity. It's better to have something on top, then nothing at all. Besides, some women are dying, literally, to be my size. It would be stupid to give up what a lot of women want.

I'm hoping they do shrink a little, becuse fashion wise, being large on top makes shopping difficult. Whis is odd, if you think about it. The media would have you believe that a lot of women are getting breast implants. But when you shop for women's clothing, the up to the minute fashionable tops you find only really fit well if you're small on top. Unless of course, you're supposed to want to wear your tops snug. But if you wear your tops snug, then you ending looking really huge, and you get alot of unwelcome stares and looks from total strangers. Besides, then it totally looks you're wearing a top which is one size too small. This kind of thinking so doesn't make sense to me.

I found diet cranberry/raspberry juice at Trader Joes. I didn't know they made diet juice. I'll have to check out other stores to see what they have. I don't really drink juice straight. Instead, I flavor my mineral water with juice. Most juice tastes way too sweet for me most of the time. Trader Joes even had chocolate made without sugar, which I bought just to try. I'm curious to know how chocolate made without sugar tastes.

I rented a bunch of movie to watch for the long weekend: Amelie, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and The Big Lebowski. I'll watch them in between cleaning, ironing, exercising and writing. On Monday, a friend and I are going to Ala Carte Ala Park in Golden Gate Park. It's close to home, I can walk there, and there's a band playing that we both like, The Tommy Castro Band. This event will be an eating challenge, because you can buy scrummy gourmet food all day long. I'll have to stick to healthy low calorie choices, although I don't know if there's such a thing with gourmet food. Plus, I'll stick to a two drink minimum, if I'm drinkng beer and, 3-4 drink minimum, if I'm drinking wine. And then, red wine only. I can drink more wine, because it's served in 4 oz portion, unlike beer or bottled beer which comes in a larger size.

Actually, eating low calorie hasn't been too bad. I just have to really be aware of what I'm eating, and not mindlessly eat, which is what I think I've been doing for the last four years. I'm realizing that mindlessly eating for me, has probably been the sole cause of my weight gain. Ironic to realize this too, since I like to think I'm an aware person. I love how I've fooled myself into thinking I'm an aware person. I wonder what other areas of my life have suffered from my mindlessness.

I saw XXX tonight. First of all, my friend Mel was right. Triple Ex is a chick flick. Come to think of it, Black Hawk Down was a total chick flick too. Vin Diesel is damned handsome! I think if I saw this guy walking down the street, he'd probably scare me half to death and I'd cross the street to get away from him. In a movie however, Diesel is so yummy looking. I saw the previews for Triple Ex when I went to see Spiderman. The teenybop girls and I were oohing and awing over Diesel's bald head and tatoos. The movie did not disappoint.

Despite what the reviews said, I thought the movie rocked. The action scenes were fantastic. The special effects were incredible. I got an adrenaline rush just watching the movie, which lasted for hours afterward. The head banging metal music was also just great. All action and special effects movie should have a headbanging metal soundtrack. Take the action, special effects, the adrenaline rush, the fantastic music, and stick a drop dead gorgeous only in the movies guy and you have the makings of total chick flick!

I can't get over my reaction to Diesel, because he's really not very good looking. He exudes this total animal attraction and charisma that totally reached out to me from the screen. My reaction to him is similar to my reaction to Prince. I don't think Prince is cute at all, but when I see him, he just looks like the most sexiest guy on earth.

Part of Triple Ex's attraction has to be those tatoos. I've never dated a man with tatoos, and probably never will either, but that doesn't mean I don't find men with tatoos totally attractive. I am definitely buyng the XXX DVD when it comes out.

I wonder if moviemakers know that some women love movies with beautiful men, and that critics are so wrong when they say Divine Secrets of YaYa Sisterhood is a chick flick. YaYa is not a chick flick. Triple Ex is a chick flick. What woman wants to see other women on screen, when they can see pretty boys. It's a no brainer!

Other total chick flicks are:

The Lord of the Rings - just for Legolas alone, but it's also full of pretty boys of all varieties including Sam.
Black Hawk Down - a movie with young and pretty military boys, come on, if this isn't a girl's movie, I don't know what is.
Any Keannu Reeves movie - because IMHO, he is the ultimate studmuffin!
Top Gun - again, young and pretty military boys, and a must watch over and over again beach volleyball scene.
Any Tom Cruise movie - since he's quite a dish as well.
I'll add Nicholas Cage, John Travolta movies to the list as well, because well, despite their less than perfect looks, these guys are really good looking.
Any Russel Crow movie - great actor, and wild and good looking in that untamable Aussie way
Brad Pitt and George Clooney movies are not chick flick movies, at least for me. Can't say the same for other women.
Any Ewan McGregor movie - another great actor who does a variety of roles, loved him in Little Voice and as Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he's got a very boyish pretty face.

I'm sure there are more movies to add to the total chick flick list, but I can't think of any right now.

I never saw The Fast and Furious, but I think Vin Diesel is in it. I'm sure the movie will make my chick flick list because Diesel is in it, but I'll reserve judgment till I see the movie for myself.

I'm still reeling over how good looking Vin Diesel was in the movie. Talk about total animal attraction for a movie star! Scary!!! Maybe the movie makers had subliminal messages placed on Diesel's body, which said things like SEXY, HOT, STUDMUFFIN, YUMMY, HUNK, etc. Nothing else explains my reaction, or that of my friends as well.

Here's my impressions on the MTV 2002 Music Video awards.

I loved Jimmy's Fallon's opening. He did a great impression of Enrique Inglesias and Dave Matthews. Enrique was with some girl, who I thought looked really familiar. That girl turned out ot be Anna Kournikova. She looked like your typical trashy rock star girlfriend. Didn't she just lose a match at the US Open, and get booed of the court? I guess she's finding solace in Enrique's arms. He really is quite dishy!

Bad trashy outfits

Gwen Stefani. What was up with that white undershirt and poufy leather black studded skirt? What about that rastafarian (yellow, red and green) wrist band she was wearing? What's up with that? Was she pledging her allegiance to the reggae/ska flag by wearing it, or was she wearing it on a whim?

Britney Spears - yikes! She's so scary, but I'm sure some people, especially men, loved that teenybopper dominatrix look.

Christina Aguillera - She is really thin, and rackless to boot. She's the kind of chick you see on the street who is wearing a skimpy top, and you think to yourself, "what's the point? there's nothing to show." No hips either. Was that the way she really talks or was she trying to sound ghetto? I liked her salute to the 60's with that silly cap she had on. Poor woman really needs a stylist, or if she has one, fire that person immediately!

Michelle Branch - Okay, I know the 60's looks are really trendy, but honestly that dress looked like a rug or something. A really bad looking rug. I don't think anyone would buy it for their home, if it was a rug.

The highlight of the show definitely had to be Guns-n-Roses! God, they rocked! They really showed the Hives, The White Stripes and The Vines what rock and roll really means. I am definitely buying the new Guns-n-Roses cd when it comes out. Axel Rose looked a little road weary, but hey the guy is old. He's still quite the looker though, and I loved his dreads.

The P. Diddy number was definitely over the top. I didn't know P Diddy could dance; that was a revelation. Michael Jackson looked like he was dressed as a hockey goalie, but for what kind of hockey game is unclear. What happened to his face? He was so cute as a kid! What was up with Lisa Marie Presley's voice? Is that the way she really sounds? It was so throaty and ghetto. Maybe talking like you grew up in the ghetto, even though you so did not, is the fad now?

I loved Pink. Was she really drunk? Probably. She totally looks like a party girl. Okay, her outfit was totally trashy too, but that's the way she was dressed in her last video so I wasn't quite so shocked. What was up with J Lo's hair? Perhaps she was showing her Bronx roots by that do?

Avril Lavigne is only 17 years old, and looked and dressed like it. What a trip to be that young and to have her fame? I hope she doesn't end up drugged out because of it, and we end up watching her sad life story on Behind the Music.

I loved Ja Rule. He has the sexiest voice! And the reviews are true. Justin Timberlake looked like he was doing a Michael Jackson interpretation. Bruce Springstein was fabulous, but then he always is. It was great to see him opening the show with that 9/11 song. Shakira's performance was great too, although it felt like she jumping on the garage band sound with her song.

What's up with all the mumbling? The Hives, The Vines and Sheryl Crow mumbled through their song. Was it my TV, MTV sound, or were they really mumbling. It was so annoying!

Eminem, what can I say? He can definitely rap, and his tally of VMA trophies says alot, despite what his critics have to say.

The major league baseball strike has been averted, but I think it's a band-aid to a problem that's going to keep continuing. I think the players and owners didn't strike because of the negative fan reaction. In 2006, I think we will be in the same position we are in today.

Skip Bayless is on the Jim Rome show, and he's calling it the luxury tax and revenue sharing a "quasi-salary cap". I don't know why they don't have a salary cap in baseball; it seems to work for football and basketball. Baseball is exempt from anti-trust laws, but not basketball and football. Why is this?

The Oakland A's are the only reason I'm happy about the baseball strike being averted. I think the A's can go all the way this year. The Yankees aren't as strong. The pitching is better. The A's on are on winning streak, and the Angels and the Mariners seem to be running out of steam. I think the A's could blow any team in the National League away, including the Diamondbacks.

I know I should be rooting for the SF Giants, but I don't think they have a chance of making the playoffs. The Dodgers are way too hot.

It would be great to have the SF Giants and the Oakland A's in a world series, but then my loyalties would be torn. I love the A's because the median age of the team is 25 years old; I love Barry Zito; I think Billy Beane is a genius; and besides the Oakland A's are the boy band team, the NSync of major league baseball. How could I not love them? But I'm a resident of the city and county of San Francisco, and the SF Giants are my team; they deserve my loyalty. My heart belongs to the A's, but when push comes to shove, I would root for the Giants against the A's.

More weird coincidences to prove the world is smaller than you think.

John Kruk and Chris Rose, from the Fox Sports show "The Best Damn Sport Show Period", are subbing for Jim Rome on his radio show. I tried watching their show, but wasn't that impressed with it. Chris and John together however, are quite funny.

Anyway, John Kruk was born in Charleston, West Virginia. There's that West Virginia connection thing going again. Chris Rose when to Miami University in Ohio. Paul, the exboyfriend who died in May, went to Miami University too.

I wonder if this means I need to give that sports show another chance. Chris and John do the guy talk thing, and they're very funny.

My horoscope for the week from a favorite astrology website. It sounds like good things are supposed to be happening to me. I hope so. I was little down yesterday when I started thinking about my writing. I think writing is my life purpose. I was even told by that spiritual medical intuitive, who I was seeing for health problems, that writing is my life purpose. But I don't know. Some aspects of writing are so easy for. Other aspects like grammar are hard, difficult, horrific, an assault on my psyche sometimes, only because I feel that I have zero ability in grammar. Okay, I know that's not completely true. I think I write in complete sentences most of the times. But God, the gap between where I am, and where I think I need to be seems gigundous! Gigundous, such a strange word isn't it? I have a website linked at home that's called gigundous.

Stephen King said, in his book on writing, that the level of writing is like a pyramid. There are few people at the top, like James Joyce and Aldous Huxley, then there are few people at the bottom, like maybe genre writers like Danielle Steele, and then everybody else is is the middle. The big middle.

I definitely know at this point, I'm not at the top of the pyramid. I'm not trying to invent a new way of writing. I'm not trying to push the limits of language, tradition and convention. I don't even has aspirations to be a scholarly writer, or write what a friend of mine would call, "high brow" books.

I guess my dilemma is I don't know if I'm even I make the bottom part of the pyramid. God, I wouldn't mind writing books like Danielle Steele. Her books are great for reading at the beach and on the trips. It's all too depressing to think about right now.

I think I'm at the point in any process, where you don't see any progress happening. You know progress is happening, but you don't see it. Instead, the only thing you're aware of is the gap between where you are and where you would like to be.

I have to remember that just because I don't see any progress, it doesn't mean that I'm not moving forward. That a day will come when I'll feel like I took a huge leap forward, that I just skipped a bunch of steps, that I made evolutionary progress. But the truth is I didn't skip steps and I didn't make evolutionary progress. My progress was slow and steady; I just wasn't aware of it most of the time. I hope I'm at this point that progress is happening, and that I'm not just now aware of it.

AQUARIUS
August 29-September 4
© 2002 Linda Rankin

Forecast
With Mars making a sign change to get this week rolling expect to find new outlets for your ambitions, new ways to act out your ideals and a more compelling focus on passion to greet you, Aquarius. In that ever-wonderous way the universe works this steady, diligent, decidedly intellectual new tone Mars wears suits your own desires and passions perfectly. Think about it....think some more...than do it.

Consider where a life dream has changed. Consider how you have changed. Consider how the outer components of your world have changed and where necessary rewrite those dreams. An adjustment may be called for and is worth any effort you put into reworking ideals that need reworking. A passionate focus on your truth grows in intensity as the days go along. Ask yourself...how clearly you are living your truths.

Falling in love or like or lust. Finding a fascinating new possibility or person or idea to become enchanted with are all possible as Venus trines your own ruling planet...Uranus later in the week. Unusually objectives might lead to changing plans. A new friendship could be born in your world. A new mission could surface. Keep your eyes open...and stay flexible.

I have Chopin's Preludes playing right now. I love Chopin. I am in a classical music mood tonight, and will listen to Debussy's Etudes next, then maybe some Beethoven or Mozart. Or, for something completely different, Bryn Terfel's "The Welsh Album". I heard him sing in a Stravinsky opera in 2000, and really liked his voice. Then later before I go to bed, I'll listen to one of my favorite pieces, Chopin's Nocturnes. It's perfect music to listen to late at night.

I was craving junk food this evening, so I went to Burger King. I had a whopper jr without mayo, fries and onion rings. I feel completely stuffed now. I should have just had either fries or onion rings but not both.

I'm bad. In my Palm, I have a list of what I can eat all the fast food restaurants. It's not like I even eat at fast food restaurants all the time either; I probably have a craving for fast food about four times a year. I just needed to know that I could eat at a fast food restaurant if I wanted to. It makes me feel psychologically, that I'm not on any kind of restrictive starvation diet. Never mind that I'm eating 1,000 calories less than I should be eating if I wanted to stay at my current weight, which means that for all practical purposes I am on calorie restrive diet. It's the psychology that counts.

The music stopped, so I put on Debussy's Etudes. All this piano music. I'll put on Muzio Clementi next. Seeing his headstone at Westminister Abbey in London gave me quite a thrill. The ex-hubbymeister didn't much care for classical music, but loved Debussy for some reason.

I think tonight I will write up the character interviews for the three little boys in my screenplay. Once these interviews are finished, my next step will be to rewrite my outline. Once the outline is rewritten, I'll be able to start rewriting the second draft of my screenplay. I plan to start rewriting the screenplay on Sunday September 1.

I want to finish writing my screenplay by September 30. This means writing 3-4 pages a day for a 110 page screenplay, or about 28 pages or so a week. This may be a tight schedule for me. I wrote the first draft of the screenplay in five weeks, so this new schedule is considerably shorter. I'm thinking, that since this rewrite is the second draft, the writing should go faster than the original first draft. I'm following my screenwriting teacher's advice, and writing from scratch on the second draft instead of just revising the first draft. Her method makes sense for my screenplay, since I've changed major parts of the story. I've never done this second draft total rewrite method before, so it will be interesting to see what first draft scenes survive.

I'm tired today. All I really want to do is go to bed, listen to my classical music CDs and read. I think the burger, fries and onion rings have stolen all my energy. I wonder if my body has to work harder to process junk food, since I hardly ever eat it. When I used to be really good about my eating, and eating naturally and cleanly, eating frozen and canned foods used to send my system into shock. I'd feel so sick afterwards. I wonder if I'm having the same kind of reactions now, as I did back then. I don't eat that cleanly anymore, but I also don't eat that much junk food, so I may be having a reaction. It's scary to think that junk food makes my body feel this way. What's in the food anyway? I used to think that processed and junk foods were full of sulfites, and it was the sulfites that made me sick. I wonder if my sulfite theory is correct after all.

Most writers are slaves to words, grammar and sentences. I’m not. I’m a slave to storytelling, plot line and characters. And let’s face it, most people do not speak or think in writerly prose. I despise stories that are written well, but have underdeveloped characters, don’t tell a good story, and have a bad plot line. I have to figure out a way to merge the two ways of writing, since both are essential for great stories.

Writing Gifts I may have:
Downloading a character or characters telling a story
Organizing the downloaded information into a plot line
Being able to see through to the end of the story and what needs to happen to get there

Writing Gifts I totally know I don’t have:
Words – vocabulary
Sentences and Structure
Grammar

I’m reading Sin and Syntax by Constance Hale. From looking at my own writing process, I need to take these steps to write a good short story, novel, or screenplay.

Story Idea
Outline of plot from beginning to end
Character biographies and interviews
First Draft
Second Draft – clean up story line and characters
Third Draft – clean up grammar
Fourth Draft – clean up sentences
There could be several drafts in between first four and final draft
Final Draft – final check

Easier for me – story idea, outline
Easier for me – character biographies and interviews
A little easier for me – First and second draft
The hardest part – Third to Final draft.

My process is probably opposite to how every other writer works. I should have known. I do everything backwards. Why did I expect my writing process to be any different?

I can't believe they picked San Francisco and New York City as the two finalists for the Olympic games. My bet is that it goes to NYC because of 9/11. I'm just so shocked we got picked. As a resident, I'm happy and at the same time freaked out. I hope only good comes if we are picked as the Olympic host city. I hope that they figure out the traffic mess here, because it's bad now and in 12 years it's going to be worst. I hate leaving the city on the weekend. No one who lives in San Francisco leaves the city on the weekend because the traffic is so bad. The traffic is worse on the weekend than it is during the week.

On Pete Wilson's show, they're already speculating about the protests that will happen if SF ever gets picked as the finalists. In a city where everything is political, the olympics would be the lightning rod for every freak group to protest about whatever the hell they happen to be protesting about this week. People protest so much here that as a resident, you don't even pay attention to them anymore. In fact, you come to hate the protestors fervently for the traffic jams they cause and then after awhile, you start to hate the groups they represent for the group's bad behaviour and insensitivity.

Faith is a strange thing for me, because I have had it since I was a kid. I have always believed in the existence of God. Sometimes when I get really freaked out, I doubt that he’s paying attention to me, doesn’t hear me, doesn’t want to hear me, doesn’t care, and is mad at me for whatever reason. When I have hit those bad bottoms in life that you sometimes do, I have even toyed with the idea that maybe God does not really exist. As soon as I get a thought like this, I always get the cosmic slap upside my head that I am dead wrong, and that God does exist but I’m just too caught in my own BS to know it.

I have come to believe that faith is a gift, and faith comes in varying degrees. Some people have it just a teeny tiny bit. Others breathe and live it. I think I fall somewhere in between, although I know some of my friends sometimes consider me a bit of a religious nut.

I don’t think I could ever run away from God. It’s like he’s got me in my palm of his hand and he won’t let go, no matter what I do. And believe me, I’ve tried to run, I’ve tried to hide, I’ve probably done a few things that aren’t very good in the name of getting away from God. It doesn’t matter. No matter how far I run, no matter how far I hide, no matter how far I stray, God always finds me and lets me know, I will never escape him. I can believe whatever I want about him, say whatever about him, but he knows that I know the real truth and he never lets me forget it..

Do other people feel this way about God? I’ve always wondered if I’m the only one. People never really talk about their faith. I don’t really like to either, unless I know the other person is receptive. I know a part of me feels that faith is private and personal, and really no one’s business but your own. So I never talk about faith unless it comes up in conversation.

I do know that despite my silence, I’ve been lucky about having people of faith around me. Over the years, I’ve come to believe that a person doesn’t stay in my life for very long or get close to me unless they have some faith in God. It’s not something I’ve consciously chosen, because it’s not like I wear my faith on my sleeve or vomit religion over someone as soon as I meet them, it’s just something I’ve noticed in my life.

It’s like I have faith-dar, a radar for people of faith. It doesn’t matter what kind of faith either, just as long as the person believes strongly that there is something, someone up there who looks out after us all.