I just looked up how many calories are in a nacho grande and it's huge. I probably ate over 1,000 calories or more. The margarita had about 550 calories. Yikes!

I'm trying not to freak out, because I walked five miles today. I read somewhere that you burn 100 calories whether you run or walk one mile. If this is true, I had room for the 550 calorie margarita. I also walked 4 miles on Sunday and 6 miles on Monday, and that that's 1100 calories which takes care of the nachos.

God, I feel fat. On the way home, I was really pissed at myself for eating. It wasn't like I was hungry or anything, but I was at a restaurant with nice people who were eating and it seemed sociable to eat. My friend was hungry, and he wanted to split food. I didn't want to just sit there, and be the only one not eating. Is this a bizarre form of peer pressure.

On the way home, it was horrible. I had this little voice inside of me saying, whispering, that I could go home and hurl it all out. I haven't heard that bulemic voice in a long time. I saw an interview with Jane Fond, another bulemic, and she in the interview that the urge to throw up your food never goes away. I think she's right.

It's been years since I was in college and bulemic. And I was stopped myself from bulemia voluntary. Well, maybe not quite so voluntary. After months of bulemia, a hunk of hair the size of a half dollar fell out of my head. I thought I was having a brain tumor, and rushed out to the doctor to get it checked. The doctor said that I had alopecia. He said my hair probably fell out, because I was under alot of stress. I sort of half mentioned that I was on an extreme diet. He looked at my seriously and said that my extreme diet probably caused my hair to fall out, and that if I kept up with my extreme diet, more hair would fall out and I'd probably be bald in six months.

His warning was enough to scare me, so I stopped making myself throw up my food. Funny though, how the urge to throw up just never goes away.

I'll make up the calorie difference in the next few days. I can eat 1,000 calorie and under on Thursday and on the weekend. I think I'll also walk six miles from Thursday through Sunday.

Three days into my new eating plan of eating 15000-1600 calories per day, and I've already had a relapse. I hate this. I hate all of this. I know I have to just put this eating binge behind me, and get back on my eating plan. I feel like an alcoholic who's fallen off the wagon.

God, I hate all of this. I was just starting to feel thin too. I wonder if splurged, because I started freaking out yesterday about being too thin. I had this thought, this belief in my head, that if I got too thin, I'd be a target for rapists and mugger. I know, I know, it's a stupid thought, but I had it. II weighed 115 pounds in college, and back then, I looked strong and healthy. I know it's stupid to think that I'm equating being thin with feelings of weakness and vulnerability, but I'm having these feelings. I guess it's good that I'm recognizing these feelings of vulnerability, and dealing with them through reason. It's just weird having these feelings, since I didn't even know I had these beliefs until now. Where these beliefs came from, is another big mystery I guess I'll have to solve some day. I't's not important for to solve them now, I think. It's just good to recognize them, see them as insights and move on, move on to a happier place whree I feel safe and secure. Who knew I had such bizarre feelings of vulnerability about the size of my body? I didn't.